Facebook redeemed...again

I swear my relationship with Facebook is a fickle one. For the past month or so, I had sworn off the webpage due to my inability to use it wisely...yes, I got sucked into stalker-like qualities. Of no one in particular, but the incessant checking of friends' pages was taking up more time than was God glorifying.

I was happy. It felt like chains were removed and I became much more productive.

Two evenings ago I was showing my IU friends my "past life," that of a diva thesbian bent on the pursual of Broadway stardom. It was my Interlochen portfolio. As we turned thru the pages, I told story after story as if I had just witnessed each occasion. Faces were completely recognizable. I remembered names I haven't spoken in years (almost 7 to be exact). My heart longed for these people as a lost family.

So, yeah the dream: Our family was reunited. We met together as a "Bring in the Morning" reunion. Jacob, Elan, Ethan, Mark, Amy, Mel, Ben, Will, Todd, Kyle...there was 20 of us, but perhaps 5 or 6 could not make it. We didn't do a reprise of our beloved musical, but just caught up. Some were married, some were still in college, some were trying to make it on the Broadway stage. It was amazing. I'm pretty sure I cried, but I know I at least squealed with joy. I guess I haven't changed much from when I was 15.

I woke up, and knew I had to get in touch with these friends. How....facebook. *sigh* Here we go again. I prepared for the messages of "WTF, mate?" on my return (I got about 3 of them so far), and started the search. I whipped out the old cast program and went down the list. Praise the Lord, I found about 80% of them. Holy cow, how some have changed. So many of them are pursuing theater or singing careers. It was nice to see their passion was not a middle school fantasy. One by one a friend request was sent out, and one by one, they responded. Some with disbelief, some with excitement, and some with no response at all haha. And with each friend request was sent a event request: Will you come to Interlochen August 3rd for a troupe reunion?

I hope that each one will remember our family and make their way to Interlochen this summer. To see all of them would be a dream come true. Literally.

Bring in the morning
Bring me my share
Bring in the morning...

...I'll be there

Eggshells and Jedi

Nothing in this world it seems can sweep me off my feet
Everythings amazing, but only in theory
Someone help me cause Im losing it quietly

Thats just the problem with me these days
Im walking on eggshells
Nothing ever goes wrong and nothing ever goes right
I dont know how to get help
And everything is perfect
But nothing ever moves me
Nothing ever goes wrong and nothing ever goes right
Give me feathers or give me nails
Im walking on eggshells

You might be the one for me but I will never know
I cant fall in love if I've fallen asleep
Will I ever wake up?

The author of this song (Landon Pigg) is reading my heart. It's the dichotomy of Christian knowing and feeling. Everything the Spirit holds, all the truth in the Bible, the beauty of God, it is all amazing. But lately it has only been a theory. It has been a hope and aspiration, not a daily experience. I have felt it before, but it flees. C.S Lewis described this as the downfall to joy: that once you have felt it, you are never satisfied until you can find it again. And in response, you search around endlessly for something that will make the joy return. Thus, I can fall prey to falling in love to what is right in front of me. Placing my hope in something visible as my impatience takes over.

I guess that is why Christians are called to hope for what we do not see. The coming of Christ, the full and active reign of the Lord, and joy that never fades.

I watched Star Wars Episode III this afternoon. No way is the Force an allegory for Christ's power to his people, but the good vs. evil theme ultimately draws parallels. In one scene, Anakin is talking to Yoda about his premonitions of Padme's death. I felt the Lord speaking directly to me in Yoda's response:

Yoda: Careful you must be when sensing the future Anakin. The fear of loss is a path to the dark side.
Anakin Skywalker: I won't let these visions come true, Master Yoda.
Yoda: Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those around you who transform into the Force. Mourn them do not. Miss them do not. Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed that is.
Anakin Skywalker: What must I do, Master Yoda?
Yoda: Train yourself to let go... of everything you fear to lose.

I am afraid to lose certain dreams, yet the Lord calls me to relinquish these dreams to Him. It is not a detachment in the sense of Buddism or mysticism, but relinquishing control to the Ruler of the Universe, and holding onto Him at the deepest level. I have to train myself in godliness, in Him, and in a sense, train myself to let go of everything I fear to lose. That which I fear to lose, so much as to reject my Father, is an idol. An adulterous, idolatrous whore. That is the identity from which Jesus Christ saved me. Will I allow my fear to turn me to the dark side?

Will I ever wake up to feel the joy of Christ? Yes. But this season is of discipline. Am I willing to let go of that which I fear to lose in order to overcome the fear of losing?

Its time to stop walking on eggshells and just take the step.

*crunch*

i am not comfortable

I am not comfortable with myself. Why? Because the Lord is revealing more and more the hidden depths of my heart and soul which are to be reckoned with. Indeed, if I was without the saving grace of Jesus Christ, I would fear the wrath of God.

The seperation of self from Spirit is like stripping velcro. Bear with me on this analogy, because it is the only vision in my head right now. The hooks of the self are latched onto the Spirit, desperate to hang on. And when they are seperated, a yell. The tearing is almost unbearable for me. And you can always hear it. You cannot seperate velcro softly.

So why in the world did I expect consecration to happen peacefully, that I would only see the end product and not feel or hear the process itself? I want to scream from the pain. I want to fall prostrate on the floor and cry until I whither away. I do not want anyone by my side unless it is my Savior holding me together as I fall apart. All I want to be is alone. Yet even then the self cannot be escaped from avoidenced. It must be reckoned with. It always must be reckoned with.

I cannot sit still with myself. When I try to concentrate on the Father, my mind is leaping to any form of distraction. I try to pray in worship music, and find myself matching harmonies or keeping tempo with the drums. I cannot sing, "You're my everything" with validation that it is true. I know that He is everything, but is He MY everything?

I am not comfortable. In the presence of my sin, I squirm and wince but I cannot escape it. I know by the power of Jesus Christ my sin has been seperated from me as far as the east is from the west, but just the knowledge that it is there kills me. The presence sickens me. It is still there.

Lord Jesus I want to be perfectly whole
And I want you forever to live in my soul
Break down every idol
and cast out every foe
Oh WASH ME! And I will be whiter than snow...

Lord Jesus, look down from your throne in the sky
And help me to make a complete sacrifice
and I give up myself
and everything I know
Oh WASH ME! And I will be whiter than snow...

To those who have sought you
You will never say no
oh wash me, and I will be whiter than snow...

and i love Him

a love like ours will never die
as long as I have You near me
bright are the stars that shine
dark is the sky
i know this Love of mine
will never die
and i love Him

I started singing this song as I was beginng to write this blog. It is one of my favorite Beatles songs (switch the Him to her). Bright are the stars that shine, dark is the sky, i know this love of mine will never die. and I love Him. Its so factual, matter-of-fact. The stars are bright, the night is dark, and I know the love of Jesus will never leave me. And I love Him.

There is a lot going on right now, primarily in the form of school work. I came to the lab tonight to work, but I'm so exhausted that I'll probably leave after this blog. Before I came, I went to have dessert with Jesus. I'm not about to call it a date, but it certainly was one of the only times these last couple days I've allowed myself to be alone with Him. I knew I needed to spend time with Him, as He reminded me that serving Him is not the same as knowing Him (or at least they have different components). I was walking back to my house from class singing "Knowing You", which is odd because I don't particularly like that worship song. But the Lord was reminding me, "Apart from knowing Me, there is no greater thing; not even serving me."

You see, I want to serve the Lord with my life, particularly in music ministry. But I haven't made the time to know Him thru Scripture lately. A lot of prayer, but not much reading. And I realized I missed that. I've been so sure that my calling has been to sing for His Kingdom, that I forgot to continue learning to whom I'm singing. Ironic, isn't it? To be so passionate about the Lord that we want to serve Him, and then in serving Him forget our passion was founded in Him?

So I'm at Bears and crack open Galatians. I'll just share with you the verse that really stood out to me, and pray that the Lord would encourage you the way He has to me (emphasis mine):

"For do I now persuade men....or God? Or do I seek to please men? For if I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ." (Galatians 1: 11)

"For if I build again the things which I destroyed, I make myself a transgressor....I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless...I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which i now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me. I do not frustrate the grace of God: for if righteousness come by the Law....then Christ is dead in vain." (Galatians 2:18)

Whom do I serve? Myself? My ego? My flesh? My desires? My impulses? My pride? My self-consciousness? My self-doubt?

What has the Lord rescued me from that I am rebuilding? Legalistic habits? Walls to keep me away from others out of fear of abandonment? My golden calf of salvation because I cannot see His master plan? Bridges that were burned by the holy fire of God?

Or am I serving the Lord to rebuild the temple of praise, to build up the body of Christ so the glory and Love of our Father may be made evident and seen clearly by all those who doubt His continue existence and presence in this world?

Bright are the stars that shine, and bright is the sky. But I know this Love of mine will never die.

And I love Him.

Asian Invasion (and thoughts)

I am currently writing this blog on my friend Roy's computer. She's from South Korea, and so all her websites are in Korean. Makes it interesting when I'm using gmail and blogger and I have no idea what any of the butttons mean. Thank the Lord for color coordination :)

There's a lot of stuff on my mind right now, mainly reflection/revelation ideas. I think the theme of today is the body of Christ, really coming to an understanding of what it is and what it means. For instance, in Philly I witnessed first hand what the apostle Paul meant by the eye needing the ear and the hand needing the foot. We have all been given gifts for the edification of the church, but that also means that we don't have all the gifts ourselves. We need others. Others need us. Okay, I need others. Others need me. It's a fact. Otherwise everyone else and myself wouldn't exist, and that would be very lonely.

I have Korean sisters who are so in love with Jesus, and their lacking in the English language made me appreciate their careful and amazing choice of words. And they saw their handicap as a weakness. I saw it as a source of strength.

My sister Sara just walked in and held gave me a high five, and we kept that palm to palm connection for about 3 secs. That means a lot. My friend Caitlin just walked in the door from Indy. Her spunk and youth just exhilerate me. I really love the body of Christ.

So why am I so thoughtful today? Because in the knowledge that we don't have every gift comes the knowledge that we don't have every purpose. God has not purposed us to do everything. THe Lord has not purposed us to do the same thing. In less general terms, the Lord has not purposed in our lives to marry the same person that someone else is seeing, because they have a specific goal that God has in store that ONLY those two people could conquer in His Spirit. The Lord has not destined us to have the same groups of friends because perhaps those ones over there cannot edify me and I cannot edify them the way that their friends can.

It sounds selfish (and surprise surprise I am at times), but I think there is truth. Every one in our lives are there for a reason. They come and go as they are purposed. But in the end, we are work together shoulder to shoulder, spirit to spirit, heart to heart, like the body. The acceptance of having one purpose is surprisingly disappointing right now. But...that's okay :)

Freewriting Flashback

Many Moons Ago...

in the nighttime the world comes alive
our world comes alive
neon lights point to treasures
we are lifelong friends, the moon and i
even if he is missing, i will thrive
drink, run, kiss me close
hold me tighter, breath out of me
i move to the lights
a moth to the flame
it will burn in the morning like it burns down my throat
but i am numb to it tonight

but now i watch thru windows
afraid to rejoin the giovedi gras
my thrist is quenched by another Source
when my tongue gets dry
from a palate once wet
this flesh's thirst for desire is still my own
but disowned daily knowing life is greater
tempt me
but joy from my Father stills me
I shall wait for His hand
not yours, however soft it may be

Mission: Philadelphia Freedom

For those of you who did not catch the funniness of the blog title, Philadelphia Freedom is a Elton John song. That's right. I'm a dork.

It is the eve before leaving for my third inner city mission trip. Let's talk about God's provision, shall we? After prayers and confrontations, the Lord doubled our men count from 2 to 4. It's not fantastic for the dangers of Kensington Ave, but I'm sure Gideon wasn't too thrilled with his men count before his battle with the Midianites. Then there is the awesome financial provisions. All 15 of us were able to be paid for! One girl without having to pay for anything :)

So there is SO much more to brag about the Lord's work. He really does provide for His children with amazing ways. Again, I shall expand later. Right now I have to finalize things with the trip. God is good and Jesus is our Savior and the Holy Spirit is Living!!!!

The War Still Rages

Today's blog will be my stream of thinking, with one purpose: illumination, praise, and trembling. Okay, three purposes. Wow, what a Monty Pythonism...

There is a war brewing beneath our noses. One that has been fought since the beginning of time, and won't end until the last trumpet (no fat lady...sorry). As the casualties of Iraq continue to climb, the casualties of this war soar with it. And beyond it. You've heard it titled "The Battle of Good and Evil." How cliche. There isn't even room for the amount of downplaying that causes. And even if I were to have the miraculous language to come up with a better name, the severity of this war could still not be captured.

Heaven and Hell are continuing to battle it out. There is still a fight for souls. And every other war term is applied. There are MIA soldiers, those who enlisted in the King's battle and have now disappeared. There are POWs, men and women taken captive by the demons and tortured to release their alliance. This could become very righteous sounding, so let me get to the reason why I felt the need to write this blog.

I had the priveledge to tell one of my sisters in Christ that she was paid in full to go on a missions trip with us this spring break. She had placed her trust in the Lord for providing a financial giant, and He pulled thru BIG TIME. The Holy Spirit recalled the Scripture verse that says, "How lovely on the mountains are the feet of him who brings good news, who announces peace and brings good news of happiness, who announces salvation, and says to Zion, "Your God reigns!" (Isaiah 52:7) Now, obviously the TRUE good news is the saving atonement of Jesus' Christ, who died on the cross to cover the sins of all those who would believe and accept his atonement. But I was so happy and felt so honored to be able to say with confidence, "Your God Reigns!! He has provided for you to serve Him in Philadelphia! He does listen to our prayers!!!"

And then the battle began. Seconds after this shout of victory, I was facing a terrible defeat from the past. I saw how months before I had fallen hard, how I had failed. I immediately saw myself as unworthy, as wretched, as someone who could not be used after abusing the grace given to her by her Lord and Savior. My soaring spirit plummeted into the depths of despair.

This is the battle we face. When the Lord moves, so does the Enemy. Satan fights, his sole purpose to steal, kill, and destroy. There is no mercy. There is no temperment. He cannot be reasoned with. His mission is to destroy the kingdom of God and all those who allign themselves with the King. And when He sees victory, He will try harder to accomplish his endevors. This is our battle.

I think the reason Satan fights so hard is because he knows he is going to lose. Satan fell because of pride. He knows he is no match for the King. Ultimately, the Lord will have victory in the end. And Satan will take as many as he can with him. I cannot allow myself to see past failures as greater than present glories! The end is already decided. The Lord will win. There should be comfort in that. There IS comfort in that.

Do not allow Satan to distract you with forgetfullness of present blessings or too MUCH rememberance of the past. Remember the past, yet see the victory the Lord has claimed despite our defeats. Where there is a Jericho, there is an Ai, but we are always led by the Lord into victory. Ultimately, it is Him who fights for us so He is glorified, not our fighting for Him to be glorified.

Oh, and by the way: cherebs are NOT cute little babies with tiny wings and dimples. They are the WARRIORS of God, the guardians of the gates of Eden with flaming swords, and the Lord is enthroned above them in the Old Testament sanctuary layouts. UGH!! Stupid Hallmark. I had to get that off my chest.

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith; in the future there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day; and not only to me, but also to all who have loved His appearing."
(2 Timothy 7-8)

A Dream is a wish your heart makes...

5The king replied to the Chaldeans, "The command from me is firm: if you do not make known to me the dream and its interpretation, you will be torn limb from limb and your houses will be made a rubbish heap. But if you declare the dream and its interpretation, you will receive from me gifts and a reward and great honor; therefore declare to me the dream and its interpretation…Then Daniel went to his house and informed his friends, Hananiah, Mishael and Azariah, about the matter, so that they might request compassion from the God of heaven concerning this mystery, so that Daniel and his friends would not be destroyed with the rest of the wise men of Babylon.

Then the mystery was revealed to Daniel in a night vision. Then Daniel blessed the God of heaven;

Daniel said,
"Let the name of God be blessed forever and ever,
For wisdom and power belong to Him.
"It is He who changes the times and the epochs;
He removes kings and establishes kings;
He gives wisdom to wise men
And knowledge to men of understanding.
"It is He who reveals the profound and hidden things;
He knows what is in the darkness,
And the light dwells with Him.
"To You, O God of my fathers, I give thanks and praise,
For You have given me wisdom and power;
Even now You have made known to me what we
requested of You,
For You have made known to us the king's matter."

Therefore, Daniel went in to Arioch, whom the king had appointed to destroy the wise men of Babylon; he went and spoke to him as follows: “Do not destroy the wise men of Babylon! Take me into the king's presence, and I will declare the interpretation to the king."

The king said to Daniel, whose name was Belteshazzar, "Are you able to make known to me the dream which I have seen and its interpretation?"

Daniel answered before the king and said, "As for the mystery about which the king has inquired, neither wise men, conjurers, magicians nor diviners are able to declare it to the king.

"However, there is a God in heaven who reveals mysteries, and He has made known to King Nebuchadnezzar what will take place in the latter days This was your dream and the visions in your mind while on your bed.”

...more on this later...

Edge of Love

There is so much I could write, because so much is swarming in my head. It's been swarming like a monsoon for the past month, and perhaps without my knowing, grace has been falling like rain in that monsoon. But I'm still processing in my heart, so I won't even try to share all the nonsense until at least some sense is produced. I am conscious that the Lord is trying to bring me to a deeper level of dependency on Him. This is not easy for someone who has conditioned herself to funcion, fight, and survive on her own.

But I can share music. I love music. And I love when other have created art when they are brought to the point of articulation. So here is my soul sister, Mindy Smith, which gives me some answer as to where I am: on the edge of love, with so many objects of affection, but above all and I would not do without is my love for my Savior. That's how I interpret the song mostly. On the edge with butterflies in my stomach. That's all I can say.

The Edge of Love ~ Mindy Smith

The edge of love like a knife
shimmer shines when it hits the light
Just like that it'll change your life
And it makes time stand,
It makes time stand still

The edge of love here I stand
Feels like sky where there should be land
I wanna fly, wanna take your hand
Just let time,
Just let time stand still

The weather's fine, maybe I'm your leap of faith
I know it's right because you're my amazing grace
You make time stand still

The weather's fine, maybe I'm your leap of faith
I know it's right, you're my amazing grace
And you make time stand still

The edge of love, the only way
Just give it all for heaven's sake
And when we fall God will keep us safe
And that's when time stands
That's when time stands still

The Ice Storm

Sandy Carver: Where are you going?
Mikey Carver: Out.
Sandy Carver: Its freezing!
Mikey Carver: Yeah
Sandy Carver: Then why are you going?
Mikey Carver: When its freezing, Because it means the molecules aren't moving, so when you breath, theres nothing in the air, you know, you breath into your body, the molecules have stopped, its clean.

Indiana University (as well as all Indiana) has been hit with an ice storm, blizzard, whatever you want to call it. Basically, it's cold and icy. Frankly, it reminded me a lot of Pittsburgh. But the usual disgust toward slush and freezing rain was absent today. I was full of joy, full of the Lord's beauty of how He painted the trees with ice, coating them as if they were in a protective shield. It was absolutely breathtaking. Tall strong trees bended toward the ground with the weight of the ice. Newly growing branches could be snapped off like glass figurines. The surrounding life was fragile. And yet beautiful.

The conversation above is from the 1997 film, "The Ice Storm." I don't recommend seeing it, but I do love this quote. Mikey Carver loves the freezing weather because ultimately it is clean. I saw the trees as being preserved. When driving with a friend, I saw my church's entire parking lot covered with a blanket of snow, undisturbed until my friend and I went jeep sliding and made doughnuts. I even made a snow angel. It was like a Winter Wonderland, a habitat full of adventure. I honestly felt as if I could stay out all night, despite the freezing temperatures. I felt like a child again. I felt innocent again. I felt clean.

I am so thankful that the true cleanliness of Christ is not a feeling. That it does not only occur during certain seasons, or does not require snow days to be fully recognized. I am so thankful that we are white as snow even when under the blazing heat of shame, rebellion, disappointment, cynacism, doubt, and despair.

I am also thankful that being a Christian does not mean I am numb to the world. Mikey seems to suggest that the world is clean because nothing moves. No one to hurt you, nothing to feel, no suprises. But the cleanliness of the Lord does not create frozen chosen robots. We can dance and sing and throw snowballs and do doughnuts in a church parking lot. When I was washed white as snow, I became preserved in Christ, and alive in the Spirit. I know these metaphors are a dime a dozen, but my love for Jesus is worth every penny.

Here in the Valley

here in the valley i look to the sky
to the mountain my broken wings
search for the strength to outstretch and fly
for now my hand is stretched with a sigh

here in the valley i look to the ground
to the space where i landed when i fell
i never saw it coming, you never can tell
for now my feet are bound

here in the valley i look to the wind
to the shapes of things, my white companions
they drifted with me and i rested my head
for now the rocks will make my bed

here in the valley i look to His love
to the faithful promise of light
to the truth that even here He is enough
for now, and forever, He is enough

here in the valley i look to the sky
to the mountains where my broken wings
will fly again in their own time
for now it is His, not mine

Steady and Silent

The two characteristics comprising this blogs title are not those usually associated with me. As opposed to steady, I am a restless creature, spontaneous on the brink of impulsive. A week ago there was nothing on TV so I decided to drive 4 hours to Chicago. In prayer, I have to talk out loud to find some focus and cohesiveness in my thoughts. If I don't, I'll find myself praying for my friend's struggle with sin and then in deep thought about whether matzo ball soup would be as filling as sephardic lasagne. And usually, I don't even notice the switch in thought topic.

Silent...ha! I laugh at the suggestion! I am quick to point out, quick to venting, quick to exclaiming joy! My piercing scream has been shushed at football games. I've caused drummers to lose their drum sticks during a praise song after an outburst of joy. Or at least it seemed that way. My father would tell me at every evening out, "Now remember, Elise. You don't have to be the loudest one in the restaurant."

Honestly, I am deeply discouraged by these statements. Why does it seem impossible for me to be steady, aside from being numb? Why is silence so difficult for me, aside from when I have a sore throat or sleeping? Why are deep thoughts constantly being bombarded by unassociated ideas?

I am striving (and maybe that is my first mistake) to be wise. I often view calm and quiet individuals as wise. I've been reading thru Proverbs, and indeed there appears to be a correlation between wisdom and keeping the tongue in check.

When Joshua and the people of Israel approached Jericho (Joshua 6), Joshua commanted the people, "You shall not shout nor let your voice be heard nor let a word proceed out of your mouth, until the day I tell you, 'Shout!' Then you shall shout!" (vs. 10) If I understand the following events correctly, these people stayed silent for 6 days, and on the 7th day, shouted...and the walls came a tumbling down. SEVEN days of silence. What were they thinking in that time? What was the Lord's purpose behind that commandment? Would I have made it if I were one of them?

Be still and know that I am God. Maybe this is what the purpose of being steady and silent. In rest and in silence, maybe we begin thinking deeper. Maybe we become more aware of what is around us. Maybe we become more aware of Him, the Lord who brought down the walls of Jericho. I have always felt that verse meant, "Calm down and know that I am the Lord and I will take care of what will happen." And I still do believe it is that. But maybe also I will grow in understanding who He is as well.

The Best Christmas Ever

Do you remember the movie Home Alone? Well, aside from the screaming boy in the bathroom, my favorite part of that film is when Kevin visits the church where he meets the old man, and the old man tells him about his estranged son. The old man is afraid to try to make amends with his son, afraid that the son will say no and he'll be rejected. And Kevin says that he shouldn't be afraid, and that probably the son is afraid too. At the end of the movie, the old man's son comes home bringing his family home too. And Kevin's family comes home too, after catching a plane from France.

Sorry if I ruined the movie, but this was the gift the Lord brought to the Fowkes family this Christmas. My cousin Sarah, who hasn't been with our family in about 4 years, came for dinner and presents with her boyfriend. It was really nice to have the completing component of our bad bar joke (the 3 girl cousins, Beth, Sarah, and me, are a red head, blond, and brunette respectively). And then, after my Uncle finished reading the Gospel of Matthew which recounts the birth of Jesus, the true meaning of Christmas, my brother from Colorado called. I was able to put him on speaker phone, and the whole family felt together again.

I didn't get many presents wrapped in brown paper (my mom is on this evironmental "no wrapping paper" thing), but I couldn't have asked for anything more. This was the best Christmas ever.

God bless us...everyone :)

Christmas is No Different

Christmas Is No Different

I learned tonight
that Christmas is no different
Perhaps people act nicer;
perhaps.
And yet a teenager is murdered outside his home
somewhere else
a family is broken
somewhere else
bitterness consumes a heart
somewhere else
a cancer patient fights the disease
somewhere else
an addict does not lose the craving
somewhere else
a toddler is still hungry
everywhere else
desperate prayers are repeated
Christmas day is no different

The world does not stop for Christmas
half the world may not even celebrate today
there is no magical clause that says
today we will live in peace
today there will be no cease fire
today bullets will be replaced with snowballs
the day does not become merry or bright
just because the Christmas is white
and snow, if it chooses to fall,
does not erase the tracks of tears
Christmas day is no different

I walked down the street
lined with the light-filled trees
a 2 year old and his father played by the station
that’s what Christmas is
supposed to be
I believed that good tidings and comfort and joy
were held by everyone
just for the day
if only for the day
we sing joy to the world
so the world must be joyful
who are we asking to rest
if the men are not merry or gentle?
I lit the candles for silent night
but that bullet split the silence the night before
and one candle will nevermore be lit
there was no peace on earth
someone did not believe in good will toward men
Christmas day was no different

then
in the pew
with my father beside me
I realized
that while the day itself holds no magic
holding no guarantee of peace
today, we remember the promise
the promise of the past for the future
what we were singing about
what we were learning about
that Jesus was born
the child of the Promise
the God incarnate
the Wonderful Counselor
the Mighty God
the Everlasting Father
the Prince of Peace
and the government will be on his shoulders
it is Christ who promises peace on earth
the wiping away of tears
good will towards men
comfort and joy
it is the King who promises these things
it is not the day
Christmas day is no different

The day is just a day
it may not have even happened today
but we choose today
to take the time to remember
to rejoice
rejoice
that Emmanuel
God with us
will one day return and ransom us
from the gunshots
from the brokeness
from all the days that will be no different
until He comes

The world may not be put on hold for Christmas
but Christ does hold the world
and one day
there will be a silent night

- in memory of Kevin, shot to death outside his home 12-23-2006

Use Wisely

I was reading the parable in which Jesus talks about a master who gives his servants money and then leaves for a time. 2 of the 3 servants invest the money and acquire double what they were given. The other buries it in the ground. The master returns and commends the 2 servants for being wise, and the last for being lazy and foolish. The basic moral I got out of the parable is use wisely what you've been given, and always give what you've earned back to the one who gave it to you in the first place.

Last night I was inducted into Phi Beta Kappa. It's a funny story how the whole thing unravelled, but that's not necessary right now. During the induction, the president said that as a member of the society, we are expected to achieve great things. After all, we were invited into the society based on what we have achieved, our dedication to excellence. For using our intellect well. And thus we should continue to use it well.

Be fruitful and multiply.

This is said to be the only commandment mankind has not broken. But I think perhaps it can be applied beyond sex and marriage. Be fruitful with what you have been given. Use it for the encouragement of others, to build the body of Christ, to lead others into the family, to pursue the Kingdom of God. How does one do this with intellect?

Take my intellect and use every power as you choose.

Honestly, I have no idea how to use the brain the Lord gave me. I've focused so much on my voice and using my singing for His glory that I forgot about my brain. I've tried so hard to channel my heart and passion for loving others correctly that I lost sight of how to direct my mental focus and passion for learning. I must continue to remember that Christ is the wisdom, righteousness, and sanctification from God. But what do I do with wisdom regarding science? Count it as nothing? I don't believe that is Biblical, as long as the Lord and His glory remain my drive and top priority.

Have we become lazy with what the Lord has entrusted us? Our intellect, our big hearts, our wisdom (different than knowledge), our passion, our talents? Are we seeking how to be fruitful, or are we burying our gifts and heads in the sand because we're afraid we might use them the wrong way?

Step beyond purgatory. Seek how you can use everything that you've been given for His Kingdom.

Cast me Gently

More and more I am discovering that I am a woman of big heart and little faith.

Ever so more I am discovering the Lord is a God of unprecidented patience, unfathomable faithfulness, immeasurable glory, and impenetrable power.

My anthem of the day is by Sarah McLachlan. When I first heard this, I knew it was a common conversation between me and the Lord. Well, let me rephrase it: it is how I wish my conversations were. Him speaking, and me responding. Most of the time it is me venting and Him listening (praise Him for that). Yet why do I feel that my words are more important that His? Where is the humility in that? How does one approach a Deity with informatility and still protect the Sacred? (check out Tremble by Nicole Nordeman)

I'm not sure if Ms. McLachlan meant this song to be read this way, but there is no doubt in my mind it is how the Lord wants me to be with Him: humble, waiting, confident, and assurred of Him and His promises.


I can hear him whisper, "Let me speak...I have so much to say."

Answer ~ Sarah McLachlan

Him:
I will be the answer
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can’t look down

Me: If it takes my whole life
Him: (I won’t break, I won’t bend)
Me: It will all be worth it
Him: (Worth it in the end)
Me: Cause I can only tell You what I know
That I need You in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You’ll still be burning so bright

Me:
Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

If it takes my whole life
(I won’t break, I won’t bend)
It will all be worth it
(Worth it in the end)
‘Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You’ll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind

What I am thinking...

"Peter, an apostle of Jesus Christ, to those who reside as aliens, scattered throughout Pontus, Galatia, Capperdocia, Asia, and Blithynia, who are chosen according to the foreknowledge of God the Father, by the sanctifying work of the Spirit, to obey Jesus Christ and be sprinkled with His blood: may grace and peace be yours in the fullest measure. Blessed be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His great mercy has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to obtain an inheritance that is imperishable and undefiled and will not fade away, reserved for us in heaven, who are protected by the power of God through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed at the last time." ~ 1 Peter 1:1-5

"For thus the Lord God, the Holy One of Isreal, has said, 'In repentence and rest you will be saved, in quietness and trust is your strength." ~ Isaiah 30:15

"Maybe knowledge is the downfall." ~ Matt Angel

"Life really isn't as complicated as I make it. It's never easy, but not really all that complicated. If there is any complication, it must lie within myself, because I can't even make this sentence simple." ~ Me


Be still...and know I am God. ~ Adonai

Red Sky at Morning

Ever heard the phrase, "Red sky at night, sailors' delight; red sky at morning, sailors take warning?" Well, Jesus apparently knew it back 2000+ years ago (see Matthew 16:3). It's 9:20am, and I think I see a red sky. Okay, metaphorically speaking. So I should take warning. A storm might be coming. But I shouldn't be anxious or worried.

Right.

Anxiety and worry are two issues Jesus addresses in Matthew 6. My pastor suggests that anxiety and worry are founded in a lack of faith, and to lack faith in Jesus is sin. That was harsh when I heard that, especially as I have a lot of puzzel pieces missing regarding my life. Or at least they're invisible to me right now.

But I have been mulling over the idea of storms and faith, and the following verses have helped me find rest in Jesus amid the storm. So here they are. Be encouraged, and remember: The Lord is like Allstate: You're in good hands :)

THE STORM
Then he [Jesus] got into the boat and his disciples followed him. Without warning, a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. (Matthew 8:23-4)

THE REACTION
The disciples went and woke him, saying, "Lord, save us! We're going to drown!" (Matt. 8:25)

JESUS' ACTIONS
And He got up and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, "Hush, be still." And the wind died down and it became perfectly calm. (Mark 4:39)

JESUS' PROMISE
"Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts on them, may be compared to a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and yet it did not fall, for it had been founded on the rock. Everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not act on them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. The rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and it fell--and great was its fall." (Matthew 7:24-27)

JESUS' QUESTION FOR US
He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" (Mark 4:40)

If Today is called Today

"But encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called "Today," so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. " ~ Hebrews 3:13

The following is a conversation I had with my friend Halle, whom I met 3 years ago as counselors at Interlochen Arts Camp. God, I am so thankful for her.

Spiffy H T: sorry I'm a bum and I JUST got your message...well, maybe not a bum, but I thought I lost my phone, didn't really look for it, and then just found it in my bag
Spiffy H T: did you need to talk, though?
skitzodiva121: i'm okay now...i mean i'd love to talk :-)
skitzodiva121: but not now...i still have 30 pages to read and a response to get in, and i gotta work at....6am tomorrow
Spiffy H T: ew....wow...well, good luck with that...I'll pray for you and I'd love to talk soon and hear what's up Spiffy H T: sorry I wasn't here for ya today like you were for me the other night
Spiffy H T: and thanks again for that
Spiffy H T: things have gotten better in general
Spiffy H T: mwa
skitzodiva121: good :-)
skitzodiva121: specifically, if you could pray that the Lord would give me a humble and accurate perception of my growth when it comes to female relationships
skitzodiva121: i've felt very defeated due to an email i recieved today
Spiffy H T: ok, I will pray and you can elaborate if you choose when you don't have so much work and an early wake-up time!
skitzodiva121: well i can now
Spiffy H T: and w/o knowing anything about the situation really, I'd just like to say that you're doing pretty well in THIS female relationship
skitzodiva121: screw homework
skitzodiva121: :-)
Spiffy H T: you sure?
skitzodiva121: yeah i need a break
Spiffy H T: ok
skitzodiva121: i sent my friend an email asking if he was okay because he didn't seem like himself, but he was fine (good)...in his response he asked if i had female friends that i could talk deep spiritual things with because he got a vibe that i held onto male friends more easily than female
skitzodiva121: i know that this has been like a theme in my life, and osmething that i have beent rying to break, but the fact that he picked up on it made me think i'm not doing enough
Spiffy H T: well, what do you feel like you've been "doing" to change it?
Spiffy H T: (that you're not doing "enough"?)
Spiffy H T: (if that's true)
skitzodiva121: like...i don't have big girls group over, and i really don't feel like having big groups of girls over because it just feels so superficial
skitzodiva121: i feel like me inviting girls over is ingenuine, because i really don't want to do it, but then i feel like i have to because it's the "christian female" thing to do
Spiffy H T: what about a few or one other girl? does that still feel superficial
skitzodiva121: i look around at my other girl friends, and they have REALLY close girl friends that they do everything with, and then there's me, and all my close girlfriends are far away (like you, my friend sarah in PA, and malia whom i never see anymore)
skitzodiva121: i just feel like it's not enough to people, like i'm lacking
skitzodiva121: i don't know if i have an accurate perspective, or if the one i have now is just a way to avoid stepping deep into girl-ness
skitzodiva121: i mean, i feel so comfortable coming to you with questions and talking about God's lessons, but i wonder if that would c hange if you were closer
Spiffy H T: hm, that's an interesting question
skitzodiva121: it seems like i'm just used to having distant females as best friends, so that's what i do
Spiffy H T: what do you think about the question I posed above about having a few or one friend over?
skitzodiva121: i have done that
skitzodiva121: i'm not opposed to that
Spiffy H T: and are those times ever "deep" times?
skitzodiva121: i don't know if his words were a reminder from God to keep growing in this area or a criticism that i'm not growing enough
skitzodiva121: they could be deeper
skitzodiva121: they never seem to reach the theological discussions that i thrive on with guys or that you and i used to have
Spiffy H T: well, even if he meant them as a criticism, I feel like your response can only be to grow more...b/c responding to criticism by just feeling bad about what you're not won't help you any
skitzodiva121: yeah
Spiffy H T: but I know what you mean about wanting to know his motivation
Spiffy H T: esp. if he's someone whose opinions you value
skitzodiva121: i do
skitzodiva121: he said that it was out of love, and he's been very encouraging to me
Spiffy H T: relationships are hard b/c on one hand, yes, we can work to cultivate them....but on the other, they just tend to develop
Spiffy H T: so it's sorta hard to know what you can do to pursue those
skitzodiva121: and i've asked him to encourage me in my pursuit to mature as a woman of Christ
skitzodiva121: (that was because he did something that really shut me down in that pursuit and i had to admonish him on it)
Spiffy H T: one thing I've noticed about Christian guys (the winners) is that they seem to thrive on challenge and like to challenge others...which sometimes women (in general) don't feel as comfortable doing
Spiffy H T: maybe you're the kind of person who really needs that in relationships...and so guys who provide it are more attractive than waiting around to try to find girls who do
skitzodiva121: yeah...that's true
Spiffy H T: but then the whole fact that you're a girl and need other women to share the deeper stuff with (that wouldn't be appropriate in a guy-girl friendship) makes it hard
skitzodiva121: i guess that's why when i do talk to girls with deep stuff, it's all on relationships
skitzodiva121: because i've found guys who will push me on the other stuff
Spiffy H T: makes sense
skitzodiva121: so the girls hear all the boy stuff, and they get annoyed because that's all they hear, but it's because all the other deep stuff is satisifed in my relationships with my brothers
skitzodiva121: maybe is hould join a nunnery for a year...then i'd have no choice
Spiffy H T: haha...not a good plan (-; "These abbey walls were not built to shut out your problems. You have to face them." but I think one way of looking at it that may help is that by seeking out girls who can challenge you in a similar way to the guys will actually challenge those girls to step up and fill that role
Spiffy H T: sorry...that made a lot more sense in my head
skitzodiva121: haha
Spiffy H T: did you follow it at all?
skitzodiva121: i think so
Spiffy H T: (i.e. it'll be good for them, too)
skitzodiva121: haha
Spiffy H T: but I DO think you need it
Spiffy H T: not being around you, I can't really know more than you're telling me
Spiffy H T: I don't see how you interact with the women in your life
skitzodiva121: it's been a lot better than the past...like a lto better
Spiffy H T: but I do think that if all I ever talked about with someone were relationships, I'd get a bit tired, too
skitzodiva121: i'm just so used to guys leading me spiritually and me growing from that that i dont' want to risk the let down that i experienced in the past
Spiffy H T: and wonder if there was more to the person
Spiffy H T: (which there definitely is with you)
Spiffy H T: maybe even if you just start with a relatively safe thing like sharing something cool God has taught you in the Word with another woman and asking her the same question, it might get things rolling
Spiffy H T: I, for one, love hearing your Scriptural comments
Spiffy H T: like the loaves story you shared the other night
Spiffy H T: I never thought of it from the standpoint of God more than satisfying our hunger
Spiffy H T: with something we never thought could satisfy at all
skitzodiva121: hmm
skitzodiva121: hahah
skitzodiva121: you're funny...and God is funny in the way he just used you
Spiffy H T: ??
skitzodiva121: maybe women are my next meal of loaves
skitzodiva121: relationshps with women i mean
Spiffy H T: perhaps...but don't become a vampire on me now
skitzodiva121: LOL
Spiffy H T: (sorry, just read Dracula for my Gothic Lit class)
Spiffy H T: it's funny when your own words to someone else come back to teach you
skitzodiva121: what i mean is, maybe i doubt that relationships with women can be as satisfying as spiritual relationships wiht men, but i just gotta take the risk with one or two and he'll multiply the results
Spiffy H T: I totally agree!
Spiffy H T: give God's meal plan a try
skitzodiva121: hahhaa
skitzodiva121: you know our conversation is going on my blog
Spiffy H T: haha...oh ok
skitzodiva121: people should see what Christian fellowship is all about
skitzodiva121: and plus then i can be reminded to
skitzodiva121: *too
Spiffy H T: now you've got me thinking about what things I think won't satisfy in my life
skitzodiva121: so now is your time to say something really spiritual for the webworld to see
Spiffy H T: no noskitzodiva121: haha, just kidding...blogs are creepy sometimes
skitzodiva121: yeah no doubt
Spiffy H T: although I do like reading your comments
Spiffy H T: blood stains, huh?
skitzodiva121: oh yeah
Spiffy H T: didn't realize that
skitzodiva121: if you ever watch law and order, they always catch the killer due to the florescent light they shine on the room and see the blood stains
skitzodiva121: its freaking awesome
Spiffy H T: blood is also cool in Leviticus 17:11
skitzodiva121: LOL
skitzodiva121: why is it cool?
Spiffy H T: I'm reading Leviticus now...although I'm really only in chapter 4
Spiffy H T: the verse is "For the life of a creature is in the blood, and I have given it to you to make atonement for yourselves on the altar; it is the blood that makes atonement for one's life"...I just found it incredible that way back in the Law, blood was THE thing that brought redemption
Spiffy H T: and another side blood-y note
Spiffy H T: I think it's pretty ironic that in Matt. 27:25, after Pilate washes his hands and says the death of Christ isn't his responsibility
Spiffy H T: the people say "Let his blood be on us and on our children."
skitzodiva121: woah
skitzodiva121: and Jesus was thinking, THAT'S THE POINT
Spiffy H T: they, of course, didn't mean it in the way we think about it, but YEP!
Spiffy H T: hehe Scripture
skitzodiva121: i lvoe how the Lord connects teh Old to the New Testament
Spiffy H T: God's so crafty
skitzodiva121: yeah ;-)
Spiffy H T: (I chuckle to myself)
skitzodiva121: heheh
skitzodiva121: well, babe, i should probably get going
skitzodiva121: those 30 pages and response are a-callin'
Spiffy H T: me too...thanks for continuing to be amazing
skitzodiva121: thanks for talkign tome so late
Spiffy H T: and let me know how loving those women goes
skitzodiva121: i will
Spiffy H T: cuz that's what you'll be doing
Spiffy H T: mwa
skitzodiva121: muah!