I am Christian woman...hear me Xena yell!

Okay, so I love playing ultimate frisbee. Probably one of my favorite parts is when the frisbee is thrown off to the other team. Usually, the throwing team will yell, "ULTIMATE!!", and the frisbee is thrown, causing everyone to run and collide with eachother wherever the frisbee lands. It's like two groups running into battle. It's awesome.

Well, because of vocal nodules, I deciding yelling "ultimate" probably wasn't the best option for me. So I opted for the "Xena yell." It got the job done, and kinda scared the other team in the process. And it sounded pretty cool haha.

But having a princess warrior's yell doesn't mean I consider myself a warrior princess. On the contrary, I often see myself more as a damsel in distress, getting into trouble, and then waiting for prince charming to come and rescue me from the world, from sin, and from myself. Pathetic, huh?

I've found this dichotomy of being a damsel and a warrior a lot in the Bible. We're called to follow the Lord, and then the go in for Him as His ambassadors. More recently, I found these two personalities while reading Zechariah.

"Rejoice greatly, O daughter of Zion!

Shout in triumph, O daughter of Jerusalem!

Behold, your king is coming to you...

...Then the Lord will appear over them

And His arrow will go forth like Lightening;

And the Lord God will blow the trumpet,

And will march in the storm winds of the south.

The Lord of hosts will defend them...

...And the Lord their God will save them in that day

as the flock of His people;

For they are as the stones of a crown,

Sparkling in His land." (Zechariah 9: 9, 14-15a, 16)

So here is the Lord appearing as a King, a warrior, to rescue His people who are as precious as the crown jewels. But then, in the next chapter, there seems to be a shift...

"My anger is kindled against the shepherds (false prophets),

And I will punish the male goats;

For the lord of hosts has visted His flock, the house of Judah,

And will make them like His majestic horse in battle.

From them will come the cornerstone,

From them the tent peg,

From them the bow of battle,

From them every ruler, all of them together.

They will be as mighty men,

Treading down the enemy in the mire of the streets in battle;

And they will fight, for the Lord will be with them;

And the riders on horses will be put to shame.

I will strengthen the house of Judah,

And I will save the house of Joseph,

And I will bring them back,

Because I have had compassion on them;

And they will be as though I had not rejected them,

For I am the Lord their God and I will answer them."

(Zechariah 10:3-6)

I amazed me that the people who needed to be saved by the Lord would then be strengthened and transformed into mighty men to fight FOR the Lord, and destroy the enemies that searched to destroy them.

I often see the Lord as my warrior, but I rarely see myeslf as anything more than the lost adulterous sheep needing rescued. But the Bible says that we are continually being transformed into His likeness, so why not into a warrior as well? Maybe that is a promise I need to claim for myself: that just as the Lord rescues and fights for me, so I am strengthened to fight for Him.

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7

By the way, Xena Warrior Princess was one of my favorite TV shows as a kid. Too bad they had to make it all weird in the end...*sigh*

My wildest dreamings...

I haven't posted a blog with just lyrics in a while, but this song is incredibly appropriate right now. Well, minus the subtle inferences of sleeping with someone. And the idea of any official he/she's mine. And the fact that my face is not green.

Other than that, increidibly appropriate.

ELPHABA
Kiss me too fiercely, hold me too tight
I need help believing you're with me tonight
My wildest dreamings could not forsee
Lying beside you with you wanting me

And just for this moment
As long as you're mine
I've lost all resistance
And crossed some border line
And if it turns out it's over too fast
I'll make every last moment last
As long as you're mine

FIYERO
Maybe I'm brainless, maybe I'm wise
But you've got me seeing through different eyes
Somehow I've fallen under your spell
And somehow I'm feeling it's up that I fell

BOTH
Every moment
As long as you're mine
I'll wake up my body
And make up for lost time

FIYERO
Say there's no future for us as a pair

BOTH
And though I may know
I don't care
Just for this moment
As long as you're mine

Come be how you want to
And see how bright we shine
Borrow the moonlight

Until it is through
And know I'll be here holding you
As long as you're mine

FIYERO (spoken) What is it?

ELPHABA (spoken) It's just for the first time, I feel ... awesome :)

Still in the Land of the Living

When you're blindsided and deceived and chained to the floor
When it's difficult to see the writing on the wall
When it's hard for you to breathe, keep a clear mind
When it's hard for you to be, just to be yourself sometimes
Keep on believing God is soaring above a world that's
running out of love
Pouring hope out over us, His angel doves
- Mindy Smith, Angel Doves

On November 08, 2007, I ended a blogpost with this:

"I believe that we will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. My hope is that we strive to keep living, even when the goodness hasn't quite arrived yet."

How ironic that I could be my own personal prophet. Exactly one month after writing this blog, I needed to hear these very words.

The past two weeks have not been all waltzes and jives. In fact, the days preceding my most recent post were pretty awful. To be completely honest, I was questioning my faith, doubting my salvation, isolating myself from friends, and contemplating suicide. I praise the Lord Jesus Christ that there were no attempts, but those of us who have struggled with suicide can understand that sometimes the thoughts can be as painful as the follow thru. I had reached a point where I felt worthless, had lost any amount of control, and just wanted to give up. It was all too much to bear, and the only way to make it stop was to stop everything.

Dory: Hey there, Mr. Grumpy Gills. When life gets you down do you wanna know what you've gotta do?
Marlin: No I don't wanna know.
Dory: [singing] Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim.

It was at that point that I knew I needed help if I was going to get thru this. But I think the greatest fear in talking about our pain is that no one will understand. And that's true, to a degree. Others may not understand the circumstances. They may not understand how or why we feel the way we do. But we all understand pain. And I think sometimes that's enough. Seeking out those people is hard, painful, and draining, but their love can help the healing process.

Ultimately Jesus Christ is the true source of our healing, but what happens when you can't find the words to talk to Him, or to pray, or to come into His presence?

I had to rely on the words and strength of others to lift me up. This is humbling. I usually have been the strong one in my relationships with others. But this time, I was the paralytic, and I needed others to bring me to Jesus. I needed a Dory to encourage me to keep going when I didn't have the heart to try anymore. And slowly, but surely, I'm healing. I'd say I'm 90% there.

For those of you who might know someone dealing with suicide or simply hurting, remember this: Sometimes I think we make empathy this unattainable emotion. As if we have to experience the exact event or truly know what the person is going thru in order to respond properly. But you don't need to know the intricacies of anatomy to see that someone needs an ambulance. In the same way, you don't have to understand thoughts of suicide to know that a person with those thoughts needs to be listened to and loved.

Honestly, I debated for a couple days whether or not to write this in a blog. So what is my point for writing this? Let me dismiss two in particular.

I don't want attention. Although prayers would be appreciated.
I'm not looking for pity. There are lives much worse than mine.

I suppose I'm writing this in hopes that someone who may be feeling the same thing might know that they're not alone. I've been told by a few people that God has used this blog to inspire, create joy, challenge, and whatever other verbs are appropriate for the encouragment of others. That is humbling and an honor. My hopes is that this post will do the same.

And if not for someone else, maybe for myself in another month from now.

Even if you have been a strong and collected leader, understand that every once in a while, everybody falls. Josh Joplin calls it Gravity. I call it humanity.

Keep striving. Keep swimming. Keep singing...

Another rainy day
I can't recall having sunshine on my face
All I feel is pain
All I wanna do is walk out of this place
But when I am stuck and I can't move
When I don't know what I should do
When I wonder if I'll ever make it through

I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
Your the one that's keeping my heart beating
I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
That's the only way that I'll find healing

Can I climb up in Your lap
I don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
I gotta keep singing
- MercyMe, Keep Singing

Lessons in Obedience: Ballroom Dancing

For the past two nights, I have found unspeakable joy in the steps and turns of ballroom dancing. I realized my love for it last weekend in Pittsburgh, and made a point to seek out opportunities in Bloomington.

Honestly, I have a lot to learn. Although I am decent at following, the whole experience these past evenings have given me a lot of humility. I don't know the steps, I don't know the moves, I don't know the leadings. I am at the mercy of my partner, and all I can do is listen to what he says, and try my best to follow through. And you know what? This control freak of a woman loves it. I have never felt so much joy in an activity I wasn't good at :) And despite the multiple errors, it makes me want to go back for more. I want to learn the combinations correctly. I want to be so in tune to the promptings of my partner that I gracefully flow wherever he leads.

I have been learning a similar lesson in submitting my life to the total control of Jesus Christ. Only difference is that when I take a wrong step, make a wrong turn...when I sin...my initial response is not to go back to Him and ask him to show me the proper way. I run away, like Cinderella from the ball, knowing that I have been exposed as a fraud...or at least, that's how it feels.

Last weekend, I was caught between the fear of the Lord and the fear of rejection. In the warring of flesh and spirit, the strength to prevail caved from under me and I dropped back into the abyss that has often sent my soul into a spiral of shame, self-hatred, and desperation.

It's an awful place to be, fully recognizing who we are as imperfect humans, the holiness of God, and yet unfortunately forgetting the paradox that occurs when those two truths collide. As a Christians, I am called new creations, and yet I find my way back into the same awful patterns I am supposed to have broken. Sara Groves describes this in her song "Painting Pictures of Egypt". In a sense, I continually look back at my personal Egypt, forgetting the hell from which I was saved and longing for the momentary comforts that eased (but never extinguised) the pain.

But sometimes the knowledge of what is good and bad is not the difficult part. It is when I know what is wrong, and yet go toward it instead of turn away.

Obedience. This is the most difficult lesson, at least for me. To not only say, "No" but to also walk away. It does no good to yell at the lion waiting at the door, ready to devour. God calls me to master it. But right now, I can't seem to tame my lions, my demons. So what do you do if a hungry lion is running toward you and you haven't yet taught it to heel?

Run, and avoid it like the plague.

But what happens when you don't obey? In my case, I start spiraling into an abyss of comparison, shame, and despair. Others around me seem to trip up and learn right away. But I seem to make the same mistakes over and over and over. It's almost like I need lesson after lesson after lesson. And that is frustrating! Why can't it I get it on the first try??

Baby steps. Each lesson is a baby step. And just like dancing, in each lesson you learn something new. It would be ridiculous to assume that after one lesson, be it dancing or battling sin, we would learn all the tricks, all the moves, all the turns, all the dips, and do it flawlessly when the time called for it. Any task must be tackled slowly at the learners pace. Step by step. Victory by victory.

Occasionally, I am frustrated that I do not catch on as quickly as the others on the dance floor. And sometimes I have to sit out a dance or two, and just watch how it is done. Eventually I will learn, but I have to decide to stay in the dance, to be led, and to follow my partner's promptings. I'll learn nothing if I run out of the ball.

And eventually I will have victory over the sin in my life. As long as I seek to learn the steps, allow Christ to lead me, and become more in tune with the Holy Spirit's promptings, I will learn.

We can't give up. Giving up means there is no hope, that there is no chance to turn back. But you only run out of chances when you run out of life. If you are breathing, there is hope. As Sofia said in Vanilla Sky: Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.

I choose the under arm turn, myself :)