A Letter to Elise

I wrote this blog entry on my myspace page back in August, nearly a year ago. I needed to hear it again. Funny how words come back to haunt us...this time, in a good way.

August 16, 2008

Open your hearts to us; we have wronged no one, we have corrupted no one, we have taken advantage of no one. I do not say this to condemn you, for I said before that you are in our hearts, to die together and to live together. I have great confidence in you; I have great pride in you; I am filled with comfort. With all our affliction, I am overjoyed. (2 Corinthians 7:2-4)

I wish I could have the same spirit as Paul when he speaks to the Christians of various towns. The epistles were written because people we screwing up, making mistakes, being led astray despite his work to show them the accurate gospel of Jesus Christ. And yet, this insane behavior does not create a heart of bitterness in Paul. Instead he states simply, "I have great confidence in you; I have great pride in you; I am filled with comfort."

I wish I could say this to my friends who fall habitually into sin. I wish I could say, "I'm proud of you," when they start behaving like maniacs. But then again, when I was in my downward spirals, I desperately wanted someone to believe in me. I needed the affirmation of love. So Paul gives. And so I want to give to my friends as well.

When someone believes in you, you can't help but feel the slightest bit empowered. If someone believes in me, I at least wonder what they could see that perhaps I don't see. We all need someone to see us beyond ourselves, because way too frequently we're egotistical cry babies.

Paul says that in Christ, we no longer see the world thru human eyes, but thru the eyes of God. Maybe that's where believing in sinners (ncluding myself) comes from. God sees me thru the blood of Christ, not the blood on my hands. I can be proud of my friends, and have confidence in them, because I know the Lord does not give up on those he has called according to His good purpose.

Maybe that's why Paul can say, "I have great confidence in you; I have great pride in you; I am filled with comfort." Maybe his words weren't a reflection on their behavior, but a reflection of the hope found in the Holy Spirit that He is faithful to complete the work he began in us. And maybe Paul's role was not to judge, or to condemn, but to just encourage. To help the people of Corinth see beyond themselves, and to the cross, just like Jesus.

So this gift of encouragement, God…help me be proud of those who have lost their pride, to have confidence in those who have lost heart, and to have comfort for those who can't stand being in their own skin. If you won't give up on them, neither shall I.

Revolutionaries: Juan Mann, Lennon, and Jesus

You say you want a revolution
Well, you know we all want to change the world
You tell me that it's evolution
Well, you know we all want to change the world
But when you talk about destruction
Don't you know that you can count me out
Don't you know it's gonna be all right

You say you got a real solution
Well, you know we'd all love to see the plan
You ask me for a contribution
Well, you know we're doing what we can
But when you want money for people with minds that hate
All I can tell is brother you have to wait
Don't you know it's gonna be all right

-John Lennon, Revolution

Will you change the world through love or hate?

Will you build a new bridge by burning an old one or fixing the rotting wood?

Will you remove opposition by destroying the enemy or making friends?

How will you be a revolutionary?

When the disciples asked Jesus if they could destory His opponents by calling on Heaven's fire (Luke 9:53-56), Jesus rebuked them, and said He came to save and not destroy. When Judas had determined in his mind to betray Jesus, and Jesus was aware of it, Jesus washed Judas' feet just like he did with his friends. (John 13:2-5) When Jesus was arrested, his disciple cut off one of the enemy party's ear. Jesus rebuked his disciple and put the ear back on the man (Luke 22:47-51).

Jesus was a revolutionary. And yet at all times when His disciples called for violence, Jesus responded in the opposite spirit: love.

At these moments, I realize that I am too much like a disciple, and not enough like Christ. May my heart be changed, and by loving even my enemies, be a revolutionary.

The world knows how to hate. We need revolutionaries to show what it means to love.

I Will Be Stainless Steel

Jesus tells stories through parables. God still speaks to me through similies and metaphors.

I was washing my dishes and was cleaning this stainless steel pot. As the water and soap washed away the grim and dried macaroni and cheese, the Holy Spirit reminded me of a verse somewhere that says we should be careful not be stained by the world. Got me thinking of how followers of Jesus might be liked stainless steel pots.

A stainless steel pot is useful for many things: cooking, boiling, simmering. And the use of this pot is often for the benefit of others, primarily filling my belly. But in the process of being used for the purpose of which it was designed, it get's dirty....grimy...not so attractive...and occasionally, smelly. But then you mix some water with soap, grab a sponge, and it becomes clean and shiny. Sometimes you have to soak it a little bit in the hot water, but eventually, all the grim comes off, and it's ready to be used again.

This is how I'm similar. God made me for a purpose, and in my opinion, that purpose is to bless others (you'll notice that a pot doesn't make food for itself, but for other people). But sometimes when I'm being used, I get dirty. This world is a beautiful, but dirty place. Sometimes I buy into the lies of consumerism, sarcasm, orgasm, and all the other stuff that I run into on a daily basis when trying to shine Jesus' light without blinding people in the process.

And so what happens at the end of the day, when I come home and realize I got a bit dirty? I go to Jesus, and remind myself that by accepting His sacrifice on the cross for my sins, I am washed in His blood. And by repentance, by deciding to turn away from all those "asms" not matter how difficult it might be, I am forgiven and made new. Daily made new.

There are times when I am so ashamed of the grime I've collected that I don't go to my Savior right away. Instead, out of my shame, I just leave it there and try to ignore it. But eventually it starts to fester, grows deeper. But it can still be cleaned. I can still be made new. The "refiner's fire" might take a bit longer because by now an isolated incident might have started to spread and multiply to other areas of my life, but Jesus is faithful to forgive if we give ourself to Him.

So yeah. Haha, Mr. Clean has NOTHING on Jesus. And I want to be a stainless steel pot.

Lord Jesus, You see I patiently wait

Come now, and within me a new heart create

To those who have sought You,

You never said No

Now wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.

- Hymn #319

Follow Thru - New Song

I wrote this after thinking about ways in which I want to be in relationship with people. After "finishing the song" I felt something was missing, and added the third line in the chorus. I dedicate this song as a prayer for missionaries, whether by title or in heart, as an encouragement to follow through in relationships with people, especially with those who are harder to relate for whatever reason. To love someone may be a decision, but I believe it should develop into a heart condition. Never give up hope that you can learn love someone well.

I hope I never presume
to understand the things I know so little
but I hope that what I do know I will not hide
believing it might be too big for you to handle

I hope that I encourage
lift you up with what I say and do
and leave you with a better peace of mind
and be incarnate of a balanced love and truth

i may not understand you
but I hope you help me to
and maybe the heart will follow thru
but if my ignorance becomes me
please forgive me
I’m learning, too

I want to learn to say I’m sorry
when I offend my fellow man
I confess that most of this my pride
sometimes it’s easier to take someone down than to stand

I want to think for myself
without ignoring sound advice
and love those who loved me enough to get in my way
without them I wouldn’t be half as wise

i may not understand you
but I hope you help me to
and maybe the heart will follow thru
but if my ignorance becomes me
please forgive me
I’m learning, too

There are places I remember...

There are place I remember all my life, though some have changed. And I have changed. It's a good Beatles song, but one line is all too true for me:

And these mem'ries lose their meaning when I think of love as something new.

As a resident nomad, I have been blessed to have built community wherever I've been, though it be painful and at times heartwrentching. But just like the model airplane or Barbie doll house that was once such a part of my growth, I grow older and set these communities on a shelf. Occasionally I see the faces and smiles, and the echos of laughter. But as time passes, the echoes get softer and the faces are more blurred as they collect dust. And as I play in my new community, the past becomes that...the past...and I rarely look back, or desire to return.

I am a compartmentalizer. Each season of my life does not flow into the next, but is boxed up like spring cleaning. "Oh, that was the friendships of '06. Kind of out of style now." I think it's easier for me to deal with the pain of the loss, by compartmentalizing. If these friendships or community was only meant for THAT period of time, then it would be unnecessary to still feel an attachment during THIS period of time.

I think I'm flawed in this thinking, to an extent. Friendships do come and go, communities as well. However, I completely cut the strings. Not maliciously, but as a way to fully invest in what is before me. I think I'm wrong.

Jesus knew what this was like. His community so to speak was the 12 disciples. They went with him everywhere. And as the time with this community was coming to a close, He prayed to the Father, "Now I am departing the world; I am leavning them behind and coming to you. Holy Father, keep them and care for them - all those you have given me - so they will be united just as we are...Father I want these whom you've given me to be with me, so they can see my glory." (John 17:11,24, NLT)

I think my prayers have been different: "Father, I'm leaving (insert city here). I'm moving on to the next place You've called me to go. Father, keep them and care for them - all those You've given to me as a community. I'm sure I'll see them later, but if that doesn't happen, I wish them the best and wash my hands of it."

I want to learn how to continue to love from a distance. That it's okay to miss a community of people, and that doesn't make me ungrateful for where the Lord has me. I miss my community in Bloomington, the people of YWAM Pursuits, and I love the growing community of Pittsburgh. There's a place in my heart for all. And maybe not in a compartmental way, but in a shared appreciation. And if that means I physically feel the loss of proximity (as I am starting to feel now), that's okay. It does not make my ungrateful for what I have. The pain recognizes that it was good, and when good things go, there's a sadness. I guess that's a normal chain reaction that I don't allow myself to feel for long.

The Beatles end their song saying, "I know I'll never lose affection for people and things that went before. I know I'll often stop and think about them..." In my life, I'll love them all.

God sends me messages thru the radio

Last night, my dad said that a clear symptom for schizophrenia was that a person might feel they were getting messages through the radio. Dang it, I thought...that happens to me all the time! And guess what, folks...it happened to me today :)

I've been having a terrible time praying lately. I know that I'm called to pray, talk to God a lot, be an intercessor, whatever your particular vernacular is. The thing is, I have a terrible time doing it. I was laying in my bathtub last night and just TRYING to get some words out, but I didn't even know where to start. It had nothing to do with finding the right words or the right awesome Christian line to say. I seriously had no words, and the ones I did have got stuck behind my teeth. Lord, help me, I thought.

This afternoon I was driving down Rt. 28 and knew that I needed to break through these walls. HOLY SPIRIT! I screamed softly in my car. Break down these walls. I know I can't do it myself, because if I could, I would have done it by now. I clawed my way with my tongue through simple statements of who God was: God is good, all the time. God is patient. God is love. It wasn't that I didn't believe what I was saying, but it was just SO hard to get the words out. Oh Lord, I need help. Yet as I prayed these simple words, I noticed the song on the radio. It was Aretha Franklin's "Spirit in the Dark".

I particularly heard the repeating chorus:

Start getting the Spirit

Start getting the Spirit

Start getting the Spirit

the Spirit in the dark

So that was awesome. The Holy Spirit was whispering in my ear, "You're going to start getting me in this dark time, Elise. So be ready. Start getting the Spirit." Yeah, it was cool.

At 7:30pm I went to the Bible study in the Tattoo Shop. First off, it's awesome that there is a Bible study in the basement of at tattoo shop, although it's a shame that the concept is such a novel idea. I think there should be more Bible Studies in more local shops, but hey, this is awesome. The community is always real, and sometimes quiet, but I managed to hold my tongue for at least the first study.

Anyways, my friendly acquaintance Denman began the study humbly stating his weakness of public speaking, and continued with one of the most amazing mini sermons that I've ever heard. It's not really a sermon, but more of a "this is what i've been thinkin about, and I think it can encourage you as God used it to encourage me" type deals: and now...discuss. The topic was on honesty, faith, and love. It won't unpack it for you, but hopefully if you know any of us that attend the study, you'll see the Spirits impact in the way we live our lives from this day forward.

The entire conversation was so filled with the Holy Spirit. People started bearing their souls (or at least a shade deeper than the tip of the iceberg). We talked about Lent, what we needed in our lives to get straight, how to maintain true humility while encouraging others in the victories in our lives, how we struggle with Jesus's love in the religiosity of Christianity, and were flipping through Scriptures (which I LOVE).

And then a miracle happened: one of the girls, Emma, mentioned how much she liked to pray, and asked people to send her prayer requests so she could pray for them. EUREKA!!! I immedately saw this as a Godsend opportunity for me to hook up with someone and pray WITH them, considering how hard it's been for me to pray alone. Call it my paralytic moment when I needed friends to bring me into Christ's presence. She and I agreed to find a time during the week to pray together. A-mazing.

So I like to have some circular closure to a day, so of course I couldn't start the day with a schizophrenic moment and not end it with one as well. I drove home after the study, and at this point, Lent was on the brain. What am I going to give up? It's not a legalistic thing for me, but discipline to experience some kind of suffering like Christ. It's really none of anyone's business what I'm going to fast, but as I drove home debating the specific idea in my head, I heard these lyrics:

Everybodys got a hungry heart

Everybodys got a hungry heart

Lay down your money and you play your part

Everybodys got a hungry heart

Everybody needs a place to rest

Everybody wants to have a home

Dont make no difference what nobody says

Aint nobody like to be alone

Everybodys got a hungry heart
Everybodys got a hungry heart
Lay down your money and you play your part
Everybodys got a hungry heart

I personally felt that the Lord was confirming what I was thinking about. He was reminded me that everyone of us have hungry hearts, and we search for satisfaction in those certain things. And that's what I think fasting is about: replacing your satisfaction of one thing with God, who ultimately satisfies our hunger anyways.

So there you have it. God speaks in mysterious ways, and answers our prayers, even as we're fighting for the words to speak. Good thing the Holy Spirit hears us when we have no words. God's good like that, all the time.

Tell them I love them

Tell them I love them

Tell them it was done so they would come,

free from condemnation

Tell them they were not forgotten

That it was done because I remembered

what would happen between now and then

Tell them I miss them

Tell them I never left them

Tell them they walked away and I cried

Tell them I love them

Tell them I don't want to control them

Tell them I will not abuse them

Tell them I am not waiting for fancy words

Tell them "I'm sorry" can break the bondage

Tell them I am not looking for acts of servicebut hearts of worship

Tell them I am greater than their hearts

Tell them I love them

Tell them I love them

Tell them I love them