Rainbows in the Storm

I drove back to Pittsburgh from IU this afternoon. As the afternoon progressed, the rainy weather did as well. The clouds in front of me, originally the "mashed potato clouds" I love so much, turned a bit more "impending doom clouds" than I don't like so much.

The sky turned darker, the the rain starting picking up. I looked in the rearview mirror to see that the sky behind me was a pretty pale blue, and the sun was starting to set as well. But the view in front of me was turning a grey-pink/orange/red mixture. I'm not sure I've ever seen it before in my life.

Yet as the "impending doom clouds" kept approaching, I saw a rainbow forming. What was really cool was that as I drove toward it, it got even bigger. What was even sweeter was that I realized that the rainbow arched COMPLETELY over my car, making a complete 1/2 circle on the horizon. And so this huge rainbow kept getting bigger, just as the storm threat fron the storm grew bigger. Seriously, it seemed like EVERYTHING was getting more intense: the shades of the colors, the clouds, the rain, the rainbow...

I couldn't help but sense the application of this scene to life. According to the Bible, the rainbow was God's visual promise that he would not flood the earth again, destroying all life. I can't imagine Noah's relief upon seeing the rainbow when it rained after the flood, considering the first time it rained, all life was wiped out minus his personal SS Minnow.

So what about those times in our lives, when we see the impending doom clouds and the threat of storms...do we see God's faithfulness, or only see the circumstances? Do we look for the rainbow, or focus on the darkening sky? Do we realize that God's faithfulness extends ACROSS the horizon, and cannot be fully hidden from us by any clouds, trials, demons, life, or death?

I don't, but I pray that God would show me how.

Spirit of Knowledge

I am totally open to any correction in my logic for this blog. But regardless if I'm wrong or right, it was pretty awesome :)

We were in Bible Study, talking about angels. Interesting topic. Now, anyone who has been in a Bible study with me knows that I'm a talker. I'm always willing to dive in, ask the odd questions, apply with examples, etc. Well, at this particular moment we were reading the story of when Satan intices David to take a census of the town. I've read the story several times, and usually asked the same question: "God, why was this such a big deal?"

I had a feeling that this question might be posed. Immediately I could feel myself want to answer this hypothetically asked question. But then, I came to the Lord. "God, I confess that I am not a biblical scholar, nor do I have any understanding of the purpose of Old Testament censuses, nor do I know why it was bad to take one aside from the fact that you said no. So, in light of this, I'm going to sit this question out. But could you make it a bit clearer?"

So I started reading the passage, and as I read, new implications of the text started to fill my mind. The logic began to flow like a staircase: each step led to another, higher step. I saw that in taking a census, David was (in a sense) calculating all he had, his manpower, and that this knowledge could cause him to rely on this census, not on the Lord's provision. It could cause a person to say, "Oh no, I need more people" or "I am a weak kingdom" or "I am the most fantabulous ruler in the world!!!"

So as these ideas arranged themselvs in my mind, I still maintained a humble silence, because these ideas were (of course) my own, not from a seminary. How could I offer such "insight" as "wisdom" when I didn't even study this?

But then David, another member of our study, who has GONE to seminary, started answering this question, and his words were the thoughts in my head! I mean, literally! He said exactly what I was thinking!!

This incident reminded me that knowledge and wisdom is from the Lord. It also confirmed that I do believe that one of my gifts of the Spirit is knowledge, which is different from wisdom. The gift may not have fully matured, but I do believe that what happened this evening was from God. Not subconcious knowledge, not context clues, because I have never heard this talked about AND I had read this several times before.

No, this knowledge of OT census consequences was from God. Praise be to Him!

Dear God...

Dear God,
There are about 3 more whole days left in Bloomington. I am so ready to go home.

I've started packing, and I look at all my belongings and think, "Why do I need these? Do I really use them?" I have tons of books that I've never read, but for some reason convince myself to keep them because I'll for sure read them. I have clothes that I rarely wear, but convince myself that someday I'll either fit in them or remember that they do go with those ONE pair of pants I have. I look at my papers, and wonder, do I even read these? Are they useful? Will I even remember that I have them?

In my preparation for New Zealand, You have reminded me of how much you have provided. How much I am blessed beyond the comprehension of those I may be minsitering to in 5 months. It's almost shameful. I wish that I could carry all of these clothes over to them, but then, what do Fijians need with long sleeve shirts and IU sweatshirts? There has got to be better use for them than Goodwill.

Father, you are showing me humility. Pressing it upon my heart like a weight, and yet I have yet to fall to my knees because of it. I guess falling to my laptop to write this prayer to you is a start. A fellow missionary asked for humility to learn from all of us, as she was the youngest. How ironic...I have been praying for humility so I can learn from those younger than me. I still struggle with age = maturity/wisdom. You've shown me over the years that the equation is certainly not true.

Through Facebook so many of us have gotten in touch already. I ask that You would bind my heart to desire only to know and pray for these people, not to make assumptions of their character and imagine who they will be when we meet. I also ask for strong community, by the power of your Holy Spirit, not by the niceities of being proper and polite. We can all see from the Real World that it never lasts anyways.

What does it mean to be in tune with Your will? What does it mean to follow the Holy Spirit? How do I recognize His promptings? Is it the voice in my head or the stirring of my heart, both of which can be labelled either hallucinations or emotional distraction. I saw a lady in Chicago who appeared to be carrying on conversations with real people, only I couldn't see them. From the psychiatric perspective one would immediately say, "Auditory and visual hallucinations." But how different am I than her, at least to the beholder? Writing this blog and saying words to a being that I cannot see, let alone anyone else.

Sometimes I'd really like to be in Moses' sandals. To see just a glimpse of your glory. Just a strand of Your robe. Just a flicker of the light that radiates from You. Just a note of your voice. Are you a soprano, or a bass? Your voice thunders, so probably a bass, huh? Do you sing? Can you beatbox? Haha, I bet you're awesome.

My friend told me today that she doesn't understand why I didn't run from her and her friendship. Lord, I'm not sure why you run to me, a prodigal daughter, wasting her pearls on swine, and yet whining and screaming out your name to come to my rescue.

George Carlin died yesterday. I saw his interview on the Actors Studio. They showed a clip about his rant on religion, where He says that religion convinced us that there's an invisible man in the sky, and among other things, needs our money. God, I know that you don't need money. You asked who could repay you? I think you told Job that you didn't need the blood of lambs or cattle offerings, because all the cattle of the hills are yours. But in raising support, it is obvious that your work on earth requires money, or at least a lot of it does. Money makes the world go around, and to travel to the unreached cities, one must fly or boat, which requires money. But it can't be You who needs it, as it is You who causes our hearts to give it to others who will use it for Your purposes. If you needed money, we'd put it in the offering plates and leave it in a backroom, never touching it. I guess I just feel sad that George Carlin felt betrayed by you, because I think that means we betrayed him somehow. Somehow we failed to show him, and others, who you really are.

I've hidden your word in my heart, but I pray that I do not keep it there only.

Love you.

Nothing Comes Out Right

I leave Bloomington in 10 days. I wouldn't say I'm thrilled, but I'm ready to move on. Not from the people...I wish I could take most of them with me. But I suppose hellos and goodbyes are a natural part of growing up. But it's interesting to me how hard it has been to say both of these to this same group of people.

It was hard to say, "hello...I'm welcoming you into my messed up world, full of baggage, clutter, and explosions. I'm going to take the chance that you'll either slam the door in my face or run away screaming. I'm going to risk exposing parts of me that no one has ever seen, and those few who have rejected. Hello, I'm Elise."

And now it's hard to say, "goodbye...it was absolutely wonderful having you as a friend. So wonderful that I wish I would have said hello earlier. Thanks for walking with me, talking with me, putting up with me, carrying me when I couldn't walk, and listening when all I could do what talk. Thanks for loving me for who I was, and loving me more by not letting me stay that way. I'll never forget you, even when I'm old and might forget your name."

And I know that this coming year will be full of hellos: hello New Zealand, hello new country, hello Jesus, hello fellow missionaries, hello Pittsburgh friends, hello family, hello graduate schools, hello 14 hour plane ride...but all I can think about are the goodbyes. I guess my optimism does have an end somewhere.

So yeah..if I haven't told you all how much you mean to me, I'm trying. It's just really hard. Maybe I'll write all of you cards or something. Until then, here's a song. It kind of sums it up, minus here or there.

i don't know how to say goodbye

the leaves must turn, the wind must blow
the heart must learn when its time for the heart to let go
but when i think of you, my heart knows why
i don't know how to say goodbye

the world moves on with no regret
and though you're gone, there are feelings i'll never forget
so i'll remember you, and though i try
i don't know how to say goodbye

the house we used to share still looks as if you're there
and i won't change a single thing
not even the wedding ring i wear

the evenings fall much harder now
the stars grow small and the moon seems to different somehow
but everytime i think of you, the moon and i
no, you're the only reason why
i don't know how to say goodbye