I will have love

I think I expect a lot of people. I think I expect that people think the same way I do. That they don't have weaknesses, that they can handle situations, and that they should know better and be strong enough to practice what they believe or long for.

Maybe so I can stop trying myself. Because if everyone has it together, then I won't have an opportunity to make mistakes. I mean, you can't drink when there's no alcohol. Not that this has anything to do with alcohol.

It's hard for me to see people as people. As people with issues. It's hard for me to remember that we are all lost in our own ways. That we are all battling with desires that can consume us, and we all desire some type of "hit" or escape to ease the hurt, distrust, pain, loneliness. As if I'm the only one who can be hurt. How selfish.

It's easier to forgive when you realize people need forgiven, that it is a requirement because the need for it will always present itself. I desperately want to love, yet I withold forgiveness from those who smash a growing hope of such. It's easy to love when you realize everyone needs it, not just you. Everyone needs it, destroys it, toys with it, ignores it, runs from it, runs to it.

But how do you love correctly?

An aspiring director is about to start production on his film. The fated hero aspires to find redemption thru love, and ultimately finds redemption thru self-sacrifice. So at 2am, I thought, "What is greater self-sacrifice than love? Because in order to love correctly, we must sacrifice everday something of ourselves for others." And Jesus says, "There is no greater love than this: that a man would give up his life for his friends."

I want to love you correctly. As a friend, as a lover, as a brother, as a sister, as a daughter, I want to love you correctly. And if I want to love correctly, I must be willing to be hurt as well. But always return to love.

True love is not without hope. To give up hope would be to give up breathing. We're just all in the learning process. But I will learn how to love you better.

"I will have poetry in my life. And adventure. And love. Love above all. No...not the artful postures of love, not playful and poetical games of love for the amusement of an evening, but love that...over-throws life. Unbiddable, ungovernable--like a riot in the heart, and nothing to be done, come ruin or rapture. Love--like there has never been in a play."
-Viola, Shakespear in Love

Care

Care by Elise Hindmarsh
For all the hopeless romantics who still believe despite all the contrary

I cannot be jaded
My dreams will not be faded
Like the picture in the frame
I will not be defeated
Just because I’m no longer needed
I will not accept that claim

I still believe in miracles
In the rainbows thru the rain
I still believe in magic
That illusions can remain
But this ephemeral disposition
Leaves me broken, yet the same hope lingers in the air
I blame the girl who cannot help but
care

Your monument is priceless
I’m added to the nice list
Of towers bound to fall
It hurts, to come down crashing
Without the arms to catch me
Down is your baby, cradle and all

But I still believe in lullabies
In whispers in the rain
I still believe in fairytales
With roses and champagne
But this ephemeral disposition
Leaves me broken, yet the same hope lingers in the air
I blame the girl who cannot help but
care

I once believed the rainbow
Had vanished in the rain
I once believed this crying
Would be dying done in vain
But this ephemeral disposition
Has left me groping with one hand reaching up the altar stairs
I cannot help but be a girl who
cares

I cannot help but be a girl who cares

Sad, Sad Day

I went wandering around Oakmont tonight, 13th street to my old elementary school. I was searching to regain some youth, to release some of my inner child. Where does one do that in their hometown? The playground of course!

It was there I saw one of the most disappointing sights.

The swings are gone.

No swings at the elementary school playground. What is this world coming to?? Do the school authorities realize the damage they are invoking on our new generations? No more underdogs. No more chances to actually feel what it's like to fly.

WHERE ARE THE SWINGS???? I'm sorry, I'm just so upset. Tragic...

Baby Steps

I love children. I think we can learn a lot from them. The most recent lesson my greatest teachers have taught me is this: Baby steps.

Think about the whole process. A child is crawling around, pretty dependent on the direction of their parents. Then she starts to figure, "Hey, I want to venture on my own!" So she attempts to stand, almost always landing back on the diaper butt. But eventually, she is able to stand, and takes that first step. Again, on the butt. But step by step, the baby soon is walking small distances, and before you know it, bolting out into the street or into a wall. Where a parent once just needed a keen pair of eyes, now they need a leash to contain this ball of electricity. Or maybe that was just my parents.

But baby steps. They seem so small, like the child will never get anywhere. But think about it. These steps lead to amazing feats. Walking, running, jumping, grape vine, flaminco dancing, grande jettes, skipping, galloping, monkeying around, the Electric Slide, the list goes ON!

And it all originated with a small shaky step that usually didn't go as far as one might imagine.

What's the hurry, amici? Learn from the little poopers. Baby steps are best.

A Trophy for the Spider

I believe everyone should win at least one trophy for whatever they love. If you're a filmmaker, you should win an Oscar or Academy Award. If you're a singer, you should win a Grammy. If you're a underwater basket weaver, you should get that golden basket! My family knew the importance of appreciation, and made me this award when I dubbed myself the Susan Lucci of the Gene Kelly Awards. It was called the "Most Talented in the Family" award. Personally, I think it is much more beautiful than the glass Kelly award I coveted for 5 years.

In honor of trophies and tokens of appreciation (for your beauty...?) this is blog is dedicated to some of the hardest workers I know: spiders.

Last week I watched a spider make a web. It was fascinating. The first thing that struck me was the patience that spider must have. Going around and around, I'd be pretty frustrated. And then I noticed that the center of the web was already finished, so the spider was filling in the area from the edge to the middle. That must help with the patience, having a clear goal and being able to look up every once in a while and seeing that there IS an end that is achievable. Then I noticed the pattern of the web. The closer the spider came to the center, the more precise the web pattern became. But the outside edges were pretty ragged and uneven. Rough start, I guess.

Then I started wondering, this is very much like our own lives. We have a particular goal, and we figure out ways to reach that goal. In the beginning, we might screw up. Wrong thread here, missed a point there. But then, we learn from our mistakes, fine tune things, and with perserverance reach the end.

What's even sweeter about the spider web: when the spider reached the center of the web, it cleaned up the center. Like, it made it even more perfect. Makes me wonder if maybe when we reach where we were heading, it never ends just as we imagined. Even the goal changes. But it makes the final result more beautiful than previously imagined.

On a related note, an exercise I've done in almost every acting class has been watching a line of people stare into space for a minute, and then watching them count the tiles or floorboards or anything for another minute. The point of the exercise is to demonstrate that it is much more interesting to watch someone who has a purpose.

So my question: What is my goal? What is the ULTIMATE goal of my life? One that can be measured, one that I can look up and see whenever I am feeling like I'll NEVER reach it? One that will not only be the center, but the foundation of everything. Without that center, the spider would never have been able to begin its web. And is it attracting others? Is it leading others to become more interested in me, or preferably, what I'm doing? What is my focus point?

What am I working for?

Butterflies are Free

I got married last night. Or at least it was an attempted marriage. Let me explain.

Do you ever have those dreams that are so realistic in every sense? What you're looking at, what you're feeling, the inability to realize that this is just a dream? The sequencing of events might get hazy, but this is generally what happened.

Last night I dreamt that I was getting married to someone I had never met. I think his name was Stephen. The premise was that this guy had called my family and said that he wanted to marry me, and for some reason they said yes. And so did I. I was nervous and all, but I figured I knew the guy and that we would be great together. Naive and benefit of the doubt: story of my life.

It's a Weds, because I have off work and my supervisor had said that she would try to make it. I'm in the mirror putting on my makeup. I can't get the right shade of eyeshadow, and it turns into like metalic orange..not my color in life or in the dream world. We get to the rec hall (not a church, which immediately makes me nervous). And I'm place to stand where the groom usual stands. I'm waiting to see the groom. I see my supervisor come in, and smile, and then the ceremony starts. The groomsmen start coming in, and the first one comes and stands next to me. I'm assuming this is the groom. And the first thing that occurs to me is that I have no idea who this guy is. And he's not very attractive. Or at least I'm not attracted to him.

Now this gets interesting. The preacher or speaker guy who is running the ceremony starts talking about us. You know, the history and stuff. Turns out, the groom (I still think his name was Stephen) has been in love with my TWIN SISTER, and that she had turned him down and he then called me. Like, my twin sister and this guy had gone to church but she never responded to his initiations. I realize that this was a huge mistake. I know that when I get married, I want it to be for life, and I can't help but see a huge DIVORCE sign coming my way 10 years down the road. I think, "Maybe I can make this work" but I know in my gut I can't.

I imagine the words "If anyone has any reason as to why this marriage should not exist.." and I want to scream, I do!! But how can you cancel a wedding ON the day of the wedding?? Especially when all of this has been paid for? I start panicking. I start crying over and over to Stephen, "I don't remember any of this (referring to the stories about him and my twin, as if I was supposed to be in her shoes)" and he starts to get nervous. I want to escape, to run screaming into the night, but I couldn't because you can't go screaming into the night at 10 in the morning...This is when I realize that I'm dreaming, and I'm not really getting married, so ending the wedding ceremony will have no moral consequences. I decide the best way to ditch this wedding is to come out of thesbian retirement and faint. So, I faint. I pass out totally. Everyone comes around and tries to revive me, and I just faint again. They take me back to my dresing room. I'm drop the act and start crying. I tell my parents I can't do it, that he's in love with my twin who I didn't even know I had, and this was all wrong. What are we going to do with the food, my dress, all these people...

Next day I'm back at work, kind of like a consultant at a movie theme park, where the ride "Pirates of the Carribean 2" is in great peril because the director decided not to show up. So we call in another director (named Eric?) and I'm sent to meet him. Now you know how a dream can put anyone you know in a role that's not really them, but you know it's SUPPOSED to be really them even though they're "cast" in a differnt name? So is the case with "Eric". I see him walking along the boardwalk, being all high and mighty, and I gesture to him to hurry up. He starts being all suave and too cool (as he is in real life by the way), and when we meet, he starts talking all "I'll hurry up when I'm damn ready." I don't respond, and instead, I start kissing him. I guess it was more a liberating gesture to evoke a huge shock value. If this were a movie, stringed music would have been playing. He doesn't kiss back right away, knowing that I was supposedly married now, and just stands there, trying not to respond. Then he makes some comment (like between lip contact, which I think is hott), suggesting his strength to resist is weakening. After about 10 secs, he drops his directing material to put his arms around me, I pull the slightest bit back...knowing that I was officially single..and victorious.

Immediately, I wake up and my alarm goes off.

Can someone please interpret.

Today was the greatest

From 8:45am to 2:27am, I had realization after realization of how blessed my life is, espeically with the knowledge that have so many people who actually care about life and love and when it crosses their mind, me :) This entry is half exuberance and half philosophical.

I'm not sure people talk about deep things much anymore. There doesn't seem to be much talking in the attempts to discover and revive, just to complain about politics or how the world is going to hell. These are important topics, but where is the resolution? I love talking to people. I love listening to people's stories, because they're so different and still so freaking interesting. And knowing people allows me to love them better. It's a type of euphoric release to be in a conversation about intimate subjects (with discernment) and in the process be discovering...things. I can't really explain it, but it's one of the best feelings ever. To be heard. I think we all want to be loved and heard. Give me your heart and give me your ear, I have story to tell.

On love, I'm on a terrible rampage through the works of John Donne, probably one of my heros. Maybe I'm overdramatic, but I almost started crying reading thru one of his poems. He's just so real. One of the only guys who can use flowery language without trying to sound high and mighty. For instance, this quote from Elegy XVIII, Love's Progress:

Who ever loves, if he do not propose
The right true end of love, he's one that goes
To sea for nothing but to make him sick.

And the change in this guys life is amazing. I won't give too much away, because you should see for yourself :) Here is a link to all of his works: http://www.poemhunter.com/john-donne//poet-3054/page-1/
Spread the wealth, I say.

And my final quote for the evening:

To lose hope has the same effect on our heart as it would to stop breathing. ~ The Sacred Romance, Drawing Closer to the Heart of God

Never, never, never give up.

I Believe in Yesterday

yesterday...
all my troubles seemed so far away
now it looks as though it's here to stay
oh I believe in yesterday

So yesterday was awesome. The Usual Saturday Crew went to see Superman with an suprise guest, Michael D. who gracefully donned a cape for the show. After the fantastic flick, we filmed our own sequel where Lizzie and I walked across the street, as Marty attempted to run us over, and Michael as "Stealth Man" stopped the car and saved the day. It was fantastic. We then made a pasta dinner where Michael demonstrated his Buca di Beppo chef skills, and then swam in the pool. It was an amazing night.

Funny how quickly things can change in 24 hours (unless you're an avid 24 fan, then this shouldn't phase you one bit). I totally forgot about our family's tickets to see 42nd street, and had made plans to work out my stupid Target bill which required me to go to the actual store because the internet would not let me pay. Well, my parents gave me a choice...and I chose the wrong choice. That wrong choice has since snowballed into a pretty awful situation, and now I'm in this horrible Catch-22.

Living with others is SO hard. It's so hard to take other people into consideration and think about how your decisions might affect others. I mean, for all we know, the guy behind Marty's car as Stealth Man was saving us had to pick up a letter from someone holding his kid ransom, and those extra 15 seconds caused his wife to die. Ridiculous, I know, but you just don't know. I think there is a thin line between seeing how your actions might affect others and being psychic. I'm just not good at this. How do you make a mother happy when you potentially ruined her entire week becuase of one selfish decision? I have this horrible feeling that flowers won't cut it.

Now I long for yesterday...

Nothing to Prove

Walks are good for the body and soul...

I'm trying to become more disciplined in prayer, and decided to walk to my church's college ministry instead of drive. During our 10 minute conversation, I blurted out, "Sometimes I feel like I have to prove myself to you!"

Woah...where did that come from?

I never thought that I could work my way to Heaven. But after my subconscious unleashed itself, I guess I do have that mentality. I know that the Lord gave me a clean slate, and that I did nothing to recieve it, but I feel like I have to prove myself worthy of keeping it clean. Like I have to annually report to Him all that I've done well, all that I didn't do wrong, as if to say, "Hey, see, I can keep the grace you gave me because I'm doing so well."

I guess this is why I find it so hard to forgive myself for things, because then I don't deserve the grace because I proved that I'm unworthy...even though I was that way from the very beginning.

And this need to prove myself comes to play with the other 2 idols in my life: men and singing. I have to prove to you that my singing is worth listening to and that I am capable to be up here on stage with a band. And I have to prove to some guy that, "Yes, I'm worth sticking with. I am able to meet your everyneed, from world politics to night moves. See?" And to non-Christians, I have to prove that I'm a Christian by lining up a list of what a Christian is supposed to be and showing how I compare to that standard.

Funny thing, Christians are supposed to be like Christ, and I'll never be like Him. Except by His grace.

It's late, and I'm still processing all this, but moral of the story: I don't have to prove myself, because I simply can't. I can't prove myself to G_d, and it would be prideful to think that I ever could. And because, by Christ's grace alone, I don't have to prove myself to the Lord, I certainly don't have to prove myself to anyone or anything else.

Did I just hear the chains of needing acceptance drop? I think I did...

Editorial Comment

In my post "The Bus plows ahead" I said that the Bible does not promise us the ability to jump tall buildings in Christ.

I stand mistaken...somewhat.

Psalm 18:29: For by You I can run upon a troop; and by my God I can leap over a wall.

In the metaphorical sense, I think it means that we can overcome any obstacle with the Lord.

In the literal sense, we're basically Superman.

May the Lord show you how to leap over walls, buildings, and whatever obstacles come in your path of pursuing Him and serving Him to the fullest. Be blessed.

*unedited picture from Marc; edits by me

grace like rain

I knelt in the rain at 4:25am, asking the Lord for forgiveness for the ways I have acted this past month. Haven't been on my knees for a month.

There's something about rain. I've always like falling asleep to it hitting my ceiling (I live in the attic). I enjoy watching thunder and lighting storms off my back porch. And I really enjoy seeing the Jordan River transform into the Jordan Rapids after a light rain in Bloomington. The smell of rain is unmistakeable. You can tell when it's coming and when it's here and when it has just happened.

And kisses are always better in the rain.

At 4am, I finished watching Garden State and walked outside. I had wanted to do that since I woke up at midnight, but I had never seen Garden State so I thought I should finish that first. I walked outside into my front yard. No one was around, not even the raccoon I had seen the night before. It was completely dead, except for me, and except for Him. I walked to the middle of the road. The raindrops look liked little diamonds as they fell past the sycamore trees, reflecting the light from the street lamps. I just stood there, in my kakhi floods and white tank top, thankful that for the first time in a long time, my mind was pretty tranquil. I didn't have any running thoughts, no anxiety, just a recognition that I was on 13th street in the rain, andG-d was up beyond the black sky.

Sometimes I like to think that the rain is the Lord crying for His people, over how we have screwed up, desecrated the earth and ourselves, and how we rarely recognize that He watching, let alone exists. Tonight I felt like the rain was the tears I couldn't produce. It was the manifestation of how I felt but couldn't show. And it was the natural baptism I have been wanting for so long. It was just me coming clean, and Him making me clean.

Two songs were competing for attention. One: Hillary Duff "Come Clean." That was my confession. Let the rain fall down; I'm coming clean. The other was a praise: Grace Like Rain. It's Amazing Grace sung fairly monotone with an added chorus:

Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me
Halleljuah, all my sin is washed away
washed away

And halfway through the second verse (Was grace that taught my heart to fear, and grace my fears relieved...): downpour. Covered. Completely soaked. The Lord does lavish His love on us. Even if we've screwed up the same way a hundred times. Even if we've run from Him for a month, believing we could make the pain go away. Even if we can't cry ourselves, but He has to send the tears for us.

Even at 4am.

fight or flight?

When is it appropriate to stand up and fight, and when is it time to just run for your life?

This is a topic I have been mulling over my brain. My inferiority complex says that I should always choose fists over feet, and that I need to assert myself to gain victory. Sadly, a number of white flags have resulted in such brave stances.

When did it become cowardice to run? Why are you called a chicken for not wanting to fight someone who may very well break your face? Let's look at this logically. By running, you save your face and whatever other bones might have been broken, and you get away from the guy (sorry if I'm being sexist). I think the only thing you might lose is your pride (which hurts for sure), but at least your safe.

My friend Danae once told me that she thinks the Lord is more impressed with the ability to run from dangerous situations than to stand and face them. As Christians, we do need to stand firm in our faith, but we may need to run from the battles that have the tendency to compromise our faith. The Bible does say to "Flee from youthful lusts..." Not "See how close you can get without falling".

I've been reading through Exodus, and just finished the Israelites crossing the Red Sea. Background: After a series of plagues, the Lord enables Moses to lead the Israelites out of Egypt by parting the Red Sea, Pharaoh pursues to put them back in captivity, and then Moses closes the Sea, totally wiping out the Egyptian army.

Look at the Scripture just following the miracle: "But Moses said to the people, 'Do not fear! Stand by and see the salvation of the Lord which He will accomplish for you today; for the Egyptians whom you have seen today, you will never see them again forever. The Lord will fight for you while you keep silent." (Exodus 14:13-14, NASB)

No where does the Lord say, "Okay Jews. The Egyptians are coming to put you back into slavery. Now, turn around and fight!" Instead, he says, "Why are you crying out to Me? Tell the sons of Israel to go forward." (Exodus 14:15, NASB)

I know my situations which pursue to enslave me, to take me away from serving the Lord (which was the purpose of the Israelites leaving Egypt). My response is usually to fight within the situation, and prove that I am capable of having victory, that I am a conqueror in Christ! But if I never give the enemy the chance for victory, then I already won. Plus, it's really not even my battle. The battle belongs to the Lord. Vengeance against Satan, demons, my lustful thoughts and desires, is the Lords. Even continuing to cry about the perilousness of the enemy isn't my job. I need to move forward in the opposite direction*, and pray and trust the Lord will fight for me in my silence, destroying them completely. Salvation belongs to our God who sits upon the throne.

We must be ready to take a stance for Christ...but sometimes, we must be ready (and willing) to run.

*Note: It's interesting that the Lord says to move forward. If find that the sin that enslaves me finds its origins in the PAST in the OLD self. So of course we MUST move forward to get away from our pursuers. Tis cool.