Free to Rest

Rest...I know nothing of the word.

Even in sleeping I am awake, dreaming constantly about unaccomplished endevors, unresolved conflicts, unanswered questions, and sometimes about talking cows. My subconscious is always roaring, and when I wake up, my body meets the thunder and I am pounding away again at life. Even on breaks my mind continues to analyze, scrutinize, plan from every angle for the next move.

And there is always a next move.

Silence...I know nothing of the word.

I was told to be silent when I was in trouble, so silence was always a punishment. It was used to stifle creativity, to stop productivity. I mean, consider preschool: FREEZE! Meant stop the fun you're having and start cleaning up because we're going to move onto something that is much less interesting than the playdough with which you were constructing the next architectural masterpiece...or that you were eating.

This busy bee spent her spring break hours on the phone planning, sending emails, meeting with pastors, delivering posters, buying stamps for support letters, designing publicity tools, army rolling into male bathrooms to post flyers, and all the while wondering, "What is this break of which the school districts speak?" When asked how my spring break was, my response was simply, "I spent my time doing what I don't have time to do."

And yet the Lord of the Universe, who is constantly working in the lives of His children and even those who are not consciously seeking Him, commands us to rest. Encourages us to break. To take the ultimate piece of that KitKat Bar and just be still...to just be.

To be or not to be...that is the question.

The Lord introduced (and reintroduced) some stories and verses that have a common theme for me. They are both convicting as they are inspiring. Maybe you'll find them the same.

"Thus I will establish My covenant with you, and you shall know that I am the LORD, so that you may remember and be ashamed and never open your mouth anymore because of your humiliation, when I have forgiven you for all that you have done," the Lord GOD declares." Ezekiel 16:62-63

When He (Jesus) got out of the boat, immediately a man from the tombs with an unclean spirit met Him, and he had his dwelling among the tombs. And no one was able to bind him anymore, even with a chain; because he had often been bound with shackles and chains, and the chains had been torn apart by him and the shackles broken in pieces, and no one was strong enough to subdue him. Constantly, night and day, he was screaming among the tombs and in the mountains, and gashing himself with stones...(Jesus casts out the demons)...and the people came to see what it was that had happened. They came to Jesus and observed the man who had been demon-possessed sitting down, clothed and in his right mind, the very man who had had the "legion"; and they became frightened. (Mark 5:2-5, 14-16)

These stories represent to me the amazing reign of the Prince of Peace. I understand that peace does not always manifest itself outwardly, but wow...it certainly can. The entire chapter of Ezekiel 16 personifies the way the Lord rescued and raised Israel, transforming a blood soaked, screaming, wriggling baby into a beautiful, royal, perfect woman ALL BY HIS GRACE. And then in her pride and vanity, whore herself, running wild with lust, idolatry, and human sacrifice that made Sodom look like Mayberry. But then the Lord redeems her, in justice and rebuke, but none the less redeems her. And her response: humble silence.

The demon possessed man, wild and violent, whom no person or iron shackle could contain, is brought to his knees before Jesus even says a word, and then sits silently by His feet after being delivered from the possession. Eventually he goes to preach to his village about Jesus' miracle, so he is not silent forever, but still...the manifestation of peace with God and the world.

Shalom.

I really covet that peace. I covet the ability to visually show the world that I trust in God's sovereignty in my life and plans. I'm tired of saying, "I have peace" and then running around like a mad woman. I just want to BE still AND know that He is God. I want my mind to "turn off."

I want to be free.

So if the Son makes you free, you will be free indeed. - John 8:36

Responding to Responsibility

I told my mom recently that I didn't like being a grown up because it meant that I had to be in charge of taking care of things, and I'd much rather be taken care of. I'd much rather have my mom and dad take care of my finances, dinner, handling my schedule, and calling the parents of kids who are mean to me.

I know, I'm dreaming.

But this transition from collegehood to adulthood is difficult, especially when I go from taking care of myself to taking care of others. My job requires me to constantly put my children first, which is hard when I'm used to working on my own agenda. But I do it.

And this benefit concert that I'm putting together is not just arranging my schedule, but juggling 7 other people's schedule, alone with a church, power point (oh crap, I forgot to write out the powerpoint), and adjusting based on their agendas. It sucks, but I do it.

I haven't felt very equipped for doing all of this. I don't feel like I'm very responsible, especially in moments where I realize I forgot to do something, or a schedule doesn't work out. I especially feel irresponsible when my reaction is to flip out, instead of handling it like an "adult" and calmly fixing the problem.

In short, I don't feel like I micromanage very well, and thus the whole future is going to fall apart, away from God's will, and I'm going to end up living in some van down by the river.

But then I recently started to wonder, "Am I making a bigger deal of this than necessary? I mean, what would Jesus do?" Or more accurately speaking, what does Jesus say?

Somewhere in the Bible is a verse that describes how we are responsible for the Lords' "revealed will." For the life of me I cannot find the specific verse, but I know it's there, because those words wrapped around my heart and haven't let go since.

So often I worry about marriage, money, jobs, and how my choices now will affect my future. But I am so focused on that future choice, that I forget where I am. For instance, I became obsessed on how I was going to be holy in a dating relationship. But I wasn't even dating anyone! I mean, it's good to think about it, but I was freaking out! Then the Holy Spirit whispered, "Elise, how will you remain holy now in your singleness? How will you be holy now in your job? In your friendships?"

Right now I'm planning for a benefit concert, and all my thoughts and energy are getting to that date. But then I forget that I have 40hr full time job that requires MORE of my attention. Not that it is bad to be planning ahead for my mission work, but I can't let it interfere with the revealed will of my current employment.

I guess the point of it all is this: we cannot attempt to be faithful with what we do not have when we are not faithful with what has already been given. It is a fruitless effort to try and control that which is not even in our hands yet.

Then again, we can't control it anyways...

How will I honor the Lord now? How will I serve him now? How will I be faithful now? These are the questions I need to be asking myself daily. And there are plenty of times to ask these questions.

Be responsible for what the Lord has shown you today. Then do the same when He shows you something new tomorrow.

Matthew 6:31-34, Amplified Version

Therefore do not worry and be anxious, saying, What are we going to have to eat? or, What are we going to have to drink? or, What are we going to have to wear?

For the Gentiles (heathen) wish for and crave and diligently seek all these things, and your heavenly Father knows well that you need them all.

But seek (aim at and strive after) first of all His kingdom and His righteousness His way of doing and being right), and then all these things taken together will be given you besides.

So do not worry or be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have worries and anxieties of its own. Sufficient for each day is its own trouble.

Old habits die hard

When I was in preschool, I asked a boy if I could play with his blocks. He ignored me. Wrong answer. I bit him.

In kindergarten, I told my teacher the kids wouldn't play my game. She said I should ask to play what they were playing. Wrong answer. I sat on the bench...alone.

In elementary school, I asked my friend what key signature she used when playing the flute. She said she didn't know. Wrong answer. I yelled at her in the middle of the store.

In high school, my assistant principal told my mom that I have a way of making people feel stupid. I don't even try to, and I don't mean to, but the words I say and the way I say it suggest that I feel I am superior to them. And that I feel I'm right.

I can't say that I never feel that way.

But I have tried over the years to soften my words, to be more clear about the intent of what I say. But sometimes, that preschool brat creeps out. And I end up hurting friends, family, and losing relationships.

Sometimes I wonder if the apostle Paul struggled with this. I mean, he was a high ranking Pharisee (aka Jewish religious official with a stereotype of always being right and arrogant) for the beginning years of his life. I've heard several people say how arrogant Paul sounds in some of his letters. They don't doubt the truth of his words, but the words are phrased harshly, occasionally somewhat in a superior tone. Maybe that tone is remnant of his Pharisitic days. Forgive me for not giving you specific examples. I suppose those are up to interpretation, anyways.

People are constantly growing, and with prayer for the Holy Spirit, constantly being renewed as people. The Bible gives us plenty of verses to back this up:

Psalm 51:10
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Romans 12:2
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

2 Corinthians 4:16
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

Colossians 3:9-10
Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.

So, we are constantly being renewed, which means that the old self can rear its ugly head. But the power of the Holy Spirit suggests that this appearance of the old self appears less frequently, or at least is less victorious. And when, oh when, will this new self take complete reign? When we are finally in the full presence of Christ in Heaven.

But one thing is worth saying: this renewal is based solely of the work of the Holy Spirit, but that should also be evident in our personal will to make God honoring choices. I like what John Adams says to his daughter in the HBO TV series "John Adams": Be good, do good. Easy words, but hard to live by.

And how do we actively seek this renewal? Repentance, both of the action and the source of the action. Prayer for an action and a heart change. I guess the rest is up to God.

But God is like Allstate: we're in good hands :)

Musings in a time of peace

*sigh*

That's the first breath I've been able to have in a while.

I'm back in Pittsburgh, taking a break from the chaotic planning and working and just never ending business of life. Okay, if I'm completely honest it hasn't exactly stopped. But it has given me a lot of time to just think instead of constantly do.

I've been thinking about what is most important in life. We are constantly bombarded with "needs" and "must haves" that really are stupid. For instance, I got a letter from Phi Beta Kappa saying that if I contribute to their organization, I'd get a LIMITED EDITION letter opener that "I'll be sure to use with pride."

I don't know about you, but I don't need higher self-esteem when opening letters, especially when it's founded in a piece of brass.

So what is important, or at least has creeped across my mind so far?

Family.

Right now I'm watching Mrs. Doubtfire. The movie before it was Cheaper by the Dozen. Right before that my dad and I got to talking about taxes, life, disappointments, poetry, my pursuits and dreams...soon we'll be going to have Easter dinner with my mom's side. Yesterday we had a bridal shower, and I was reminded about the 23 year progression of "the three cousins" from diaper-babies to now a wedding and full-time employment.

My family keeps me humble. My family keeps me grounded. I come home and still have to put away the dishes. I'm asked to sing and entertain, but then clean up my room. They remind me that I'm not an island, and that I'm not a loner, and that my actions do impact other people.

So is the family of Christ. My pastor reminded us this Easter that we're called to follow Jesus, not just believe, but we're not to do it alone. Small groups, hospitality groups, support groups, they're all....groups! The disciples were told to wait TOGETHER in Jerusalem for the Holy Spirit. The apostles were sent out often in pairs for ministry. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit show the community, compatibility, and necessity of family: they cannot be separated, and all have their specific purpose.

I think my greatest desire is to belong to a person, a group, an organization where I am needed, wanted, but challenged, stimulated, where what I have to offer is appreciated, and what others offer is cherished. Where who I am is appreciated and enjoyed, and where I can appreciate and enjoy others' gifts.

No competition, no intimidation, no bitterness...well, at least to the degree where relationships are paralyzed.

St. Patrick's Day

Ironic how favorite songs from years ago fit so well today....

Here comes the cold
Break out the winter clothes
And find a love to call your own
You - enter you
Your cheeks a shade of pink
And the rest of you in powder blue

Who knows what will be
But I'll make you this guarantee

No way November will see our goodbye
When it comes to December it's obvious why
No one wants to be alone at Christmas time

In the dark, on the phone
You tell me the names of your brothers
And your favorite colors
I'm learning you
And when it snows again
We'll take a walk outside
And search the sky
Like children do
I'll say to you

No way November will see our goodbye
When it comes to December it's obvious why
No one wants to be alone at Christmas time
And come January we're frozen inside
Making new resolutions a hundred times
February, won't you be my valentine?

And we'll both be safe 'til St. Patrick's Day

We should take a ride tonight around the town
and look around at all the beautiful houses
something in the way that blue lights on a black night
can make you feel more
everybody, it seems to me, just wants to be
just like you and me

No one wants to be alone at Christmas time
Come January we're frozen inside
Making new resolutions a hundred times
February, won't you be my valentine?

And if our always is all that we gave
And we someday take that away
I'll be alright if it was just 'til St. Patrick's Day

I don't dance well

A while ago I wrote a blog about the joy of ballroom dancing. I said how wonderful it was as an allegory to what it means to let a man lead, and to learn how to follow, and how to learn to follow my Lord Jesus with every prompting He makes.

The lesson continues.

I'm starting to learn how my desire for control and self-righteous "knowledge" of how to dance negatively impacts the men who are called to lead me. And it frustrates me.

I went to a dance last Saturday. During the lesson part, one of the instructors was helping my boyfriend and I on swing. It was all fine and dandy until she said, "You know, even if the guy gets off beat, you just have to dance off beat. You have to adjust to him." I burned with that remark.

Not that my boyfriend is a bad dancer. NOT AT ALL! That wasn't the point. What "burned me" was the thought that if someone was doing something wrong, I (who was right) would have to adjust to him. That I'd have to be wrong too! And why? Because the male is supposed to lead, even if he leads a 4 count in a 3 count.

The real issue is about respect. In dancing, the male is called to be the leader, know the moves, ect. And the girl is to follow his promptings. This is a very high calling to a guy who is maybe new to dancing, which can hurt his ego a bit. But his ego is in for a world of hurt if the woman isn't gracious in his limitations, showing frustration, annoyance, and displeasure when the guy is really trying. She's not much of a partner to dance with if she's making him feel immasculine, and in the world of ballroom dancing, she probably won't get asked to dance again if she does that with every man she's with.

Man, I am a bad dancer. At first, the women said that I could follow wonderfully. But now I see that I am only good at following when the man is going MY direction. So I guess that's not following. That's accompanying. Or even worse, dancing by myself and another person just happens to be there with you.

I was always awarded with being strong-willed, independent, and knowledgeable. But I don't really remember being commended as a good team player. I'm good at expressing my needs. I'm good at getting things done. I'm good at facing challenges. But I'm not good at doing these thing with another person.

Instead, my strong opinions and needs are forced onto others as a demand, not a desire. And what happens? The picture above: I start hitting the guy in the face, slapping him around, and eventually, I'm dancing solo again. Because solo is all I know.

I think there are two ways of living a solo life. You can either dominate or alienate. If you're dominating, the other person is there, but not involved. It is your way, or the highway. There is no compromise, and even when you are negotiating, its clear that the negotiation will go YOUR way. You're still right, you just have to make the other person think they're choosing that way too. But the choice is clearly more of an ultimatum.

If you alienate, the other person doesn't even exist. No, I don't need your help. No, I don't need your advice. No, I will not talk to you about it. I'll do it solo. I can do it without you. There isn't even an illusion that the other person is there. It's only you.

I really don't want to dominate or alienate, but that's all I've known. I've learned that people aren't trustworthy, and that people leave. But maybe people aren't trustworthy because I don't give them a chance to do it their way. And maybe people leave because I make them feel bad about themselves.

So how do I learn to dance well and encourage others to do the same? How do I follow, even if the timing feels off? I'm just not good at this...