I am Christian woman...hear me Xena yell!

Okay, so I love playing ultimate frisbee. Probably one of my favorite parts is when the frisbee is thrown off to the other team. Usually, the throwing team will yell, "ULTIMATE!!", and the frisbee is thrown, causing everyone to run and collide with eachother wherever the frisbee lands. It's like two groups running into battle. It's awesome.

Well, because of vocal nodules, I deciding yelling "ultimate" probably wasn't the best option for me. So I opted for the "Xena yell." It got the job done, and kinda scared the other team in the process. And it sounded pretty cool haha.

But having a princess warrior's yell doesn't mean I consider myself a warrior princess. On the contrary, I often see myself more as a damsel in distress, getting into trouble, and then waiting for prince charming to come and rescue me from the world, from sin, and from myself. Pathetic, huh?

I've found this dichotomy of being a damsel and a warrior a lot in the Bible. We're called to follow the Lord, and then the go in for Him as His ambassadors. More recently, I found these two personalities while reading Zechariah.

"Rejoice greatly, O daughter of Zion!

Shout in triumph, O daughter of Jerusalem!

Behold, your king is coming to you...

...Then the Lord will appear over them

And His arrow will go forth like Lightening;

And the Lord God will blow the trumpet,

And will march in the storm winds of the south.

The Lord of hosts will defend them...

...And the Lord their God will save them in that day

as the flock of His people;

For they are as the stones of a crown,

Sparkling in His land." (Zechariah 9: 9, 14-15a, 16)

So here is the Lord appearing as a King, a warrior, to rescue His people who are as precious as the crown jewels. But then, in the next chapter, there seems to be a shift...

"My anger is kindled against the shepherds (false prophets),

And I will punish the male goats;

For the lord of hosts has visted His flock, the house of Judah,

And will make them like His majestic horse in battle.

From them will come the cornerstone,

From them the tent peg,

From them the bow of battle,

From them every ruler, all of them together.

They will be as mighty men,

Treading down the enemy in the mire of the streets in battle;

And they will fight, for the Lord will be with them;

And the riders on horses will be put to shame.

I will strengthen the house of Judah,

And I will save the house of Joseph,

And I will bring them back,

Because I have had compassion on them;

And they will be as though I had not rejected them,

For I am the Lord their God and I will answer them."

(Zechariah 10:3-6)

I amazed me that the people who needed to be saved by the Lord would then be strengthened and transformed into mighty men to fight FOR the Lord, and destroy the enemies that searched to destroy them.

I often see the Lord as my warrior, but I rarely see myeslf as anything more than the lost adulterous sheep needing rescued. But the Bible says that we are continually being transformed into His likeness, so why not into a warrior as well? Maybe that is a promise I need to claim for myself: that just as the Lord rescues and fights for me, so I am strengthened to fight for Him.

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7

By the way, Xena Warrior Princess was one of my favorite TV shows as a kid. Too bad they had to make it all weird in the end...*sigh*

My wildest dreamings...

I haven't posted a blog with just lyrics in a while, but this song is incredibly appropriate right now. Well, minus the subtle inferences of sleeping with someone. And the idea of any official he/she's mine. And the fact that my face is not green.

Other than that, increidibly appropriate.

ELPHABA
Kiss me too fiercely, hold me too tight
I need help believing you're with me tonight
My wildest dreamings could not forsee
Lying beside you with you wanting me

And just for this moment
As long as you're mine
I've lost all resistance
And crossed some border line
And if it turns out it's over too fast
I'll make every last moment last
As long as you're mine

FIYERO
Maybe I'm brainless, maybe I'm wise
But you've got me seeing through different eyes
Somehow I've fallen under your spell
And somehow I'm feeling it's up that I fell

BOTH
Every moment
As long as you're mine
I'll wake up my body
And make up for lost time

FIYERO
Say there's no future for us as a pair

BOTH
And though I may know
I don't care
Just for this moment
As long as you're mine

Come be how you want to
And see how bright we shine
Borrow the moonlight

Until it is through
And know I'll be here holding you
As long as you're mine

FIYERO (spoken) What is it?

ELPHABA (spoken) It's just for the first time, I feel ... awesome :)

Still in the Land of the Living

When you're blindsided and deceived and chained to the floor
When it's difficult to see the writing on the wall
When it's hard for you to breathe, keep a clear mind
When it's hard for you to be, just to be yourself sometimes
Keep on believing God is soaring above a world that's
running out of love
Pouring hope out over us, His angel doves
- Mindy Smith, Angel Doves

On November 08, 2007, I ended a blogpost with this:

"I believe that we will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. My hope is that we strive to keep living, even when the goodness hasn't quite arrived yet."

How ironic that I could be my own personal prophet. Exactly one month after writing this blog, I needed to hear these very words.

The past two weeks have not been all waltzes and jives. In fact, the days preceding my most recent post were pretty awful. To be completely honest, I was questioning my faith, doubting my salvation, isolating myself from friends, and contemplating suicide. I praise the Lord Jesus Christ that there were no attempts, but those of us who have struggled with suicide can understand that sometimes the thoughts can be as painful as the follow thru. I had reached a point where I felt worthless, had lost any amount of control, and just wanted to give up. It was all too much to bear, and the only way to make it stop was to stop everything.

Dory: Hey there, Mr. Grumpy Gills. When life gets you down do you wanna know what you've gotta do?
Marlin: No I don't wanna know.
Dory: [singing] Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim.

It was at that point that I knew I needed help if I was going to get thru this. But I think the greatest fear in talking about our pain is that no one will understand. And that's true, to a degree. Others may not understand the circumstances. They may not understand how or why we feel the way we do. But we all understand pain. And I think sometimes that's enough. Seeking out those people is hard, painful, and draining, but their love can help the healing process.

Ultimately Jesus Christ is the true source of our healing, but what happens when you can't find the words to talk to Him, or to pray, or to come into His presence?

I had to rely on the words and strength of others to lift me up. This is humbling. I usually have been the strong one in my relationships with others. But this time, I was the paralytic, and I needed others to bring me to Jesus. I needed a Dory to encourage me to keep going when I didn't have the heart to try anymore. And slowly, but surely, I'm healing. I'd say I'm 90% there.

For those of you who might know someone dealing with suicide or simply hurting, remember this: Sometimes I think we make empathy this unattainable emotion. As if we have to experience the exact event or truly know what the person is going thru in order to respond properly. But you don't need to know the intricacies of anatomy to see that someone needs an ambulance. In the same way, you don't have to understand thoughts of suicide to know that a person with those thoughts needs to be listened to and loved.

Honestly, I debated for a couple days whether or not to write this in a blog. So what is my point for writing this? Let me dismiss two in particular.

I don't want attention. Although prayers would be appreciated.
I'm not looking for pity. There are lives much worse than mine.

I suppose I'm writing this in hopes that someone who may be feeling the same thing might know that they're not alone. I've been told by a few people that God has used this blog to inspire, create joy, challenge, and whatever other verbs are appropriate for the encouragment of others. That is humbling and an honor. My hopes is that this post will do the same.

And if not for someone else, maybe for myself in another month from now.

Even if you have been a strong and collected leader, understand that every once in a while, everybody falls. Josh Joplin calls it Gravity. I call it humanity.

Keep striving. Keep swimming. Keep singing...

Another rainy day
I can't recall having sunshine on my face
All I feel is pain
All I wanna do is walk out of this place
But when I am stuck and I can't move
When I don't know what I should do
When I wonder if I'll ever make it through

I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
Your the one that's keeping my heart beating
I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
That's the only way that I'll find healing

Can I climb up in Your lap
I don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
I gotta keep singing
- MercyMe, Keep Singing

Lessons in Obedience: Ballroom Dancing

For the past two nights, I have found unspeakable joy in the steps and turns of ballroom dancing. I realized my love for it last weekend in Pittsburgh, and made a point to seek out opportunities in Bloomington.

Honestly, I have a lot to learn. Although I am decent at following, the whole experience these past evenings have given me a lot of humility. I don't know the steps, I don't know the moves, I don't know the leadings. I am at the mercy of my partner, and all I can do is listen to what he says, and try my best to follow through. And you know what? This control freak of a woman loves it. I have never felt so much joy in an activity I wasn't good at :) And despite the multiple errors, it makes me want to go back for more. I want to learn the combinations correctly. I want to be so in tune to the promptings of my partner that I gracefully flow wherever he leads.

I have been learning a similar lesson in submitting my life to the total control of Jesus Christ. Only difference is that when I take a wrong step, make a wrong turn...when I sin...my initial response is not to go back to Him and ask him to show me the proper way. I run away, like Cinderella from the ball, knowing that I have been exposed as a fraud...or at least, that's how it feels.

Last weekend, I was caught between the fear of the Lord and the fear of rejection. In the warring of flesh and spirit, the strength to prevail caved from under me and I dropped back into the abyss that has often sent my soul into a spiral of shame, self-hatred, and desperation.

It's an awful place to be, fully recognizing who we are as imperfect humans, the holiness of God, and yet unfortunately forgetting the paradox that occurs when those two truths collide. As a Christians, I am called new creations, and yet I find my way back into the same awful patterns I am supposed to have broken. Sara Groves describes this in her song "Painting Pictures of Egypt". In a sense, I continually look back at my personal Egypt, forgetting the hell from which I was saved and longing for the momentary comforts that eased (but never extinguised) the pain.

But sometimes the knowledge of what is good and bad is not the difficult part. It is when I know what is wrong, and yet go toward it instead of turn away.

Obedience. This is the most difficult lesson, at least for me. To not only say, "No" but to also walk away. It does no good to yell at the lion waiting at the door, ready to devour. God calls me to master it. But right now, I can't seem to tame my lions, my demons. So what do you do if a hungry lion is running toward you and you haven't yet taught it to heel?

Run, and avoid it like the plague.

But what happens when you don't obey? In my case, I start spiraling into an abyss of comparison, shame, and despair. Others around me seem to trip up and learn right away. But I seem to make the same mistakes over and over and over. It's almost like I need lesson after lesson after lesson. And that is frustrating! Why can't it I get it on the first try??

Baby steps. Each lesson is a baby step. And just like dancing, in each lesson you learn something new. It would be ridiculous to assume that after one lesson, be it dancing or battling sin, we would learn all the tricks, all the moves, all the turns, all the dips, and do it flawlessly when the time called for it. Any task must be tackled slowly at the learners pace. Step by step. Victory by victory.

Occasionally, I am frustrated that I do not catch on as quickly as the others on the dance floor. And sometimes I have to sit out a dance or two, and just watch how it is done. Eventually I will learn, but I have to decide to stay in the dance, to be led, and to follow my partner's promptings. I'll learn nothing if I run out of the ball.

And eventually I will have victory over the sin in my life. As long as I seek to learn the steps, allow Christ to lead me, and become more in tune with the Holy Spirit's promptings, I will learn.

We can't give up. Giving up means there is no hope, that there is no chance to turn back. But you only run out of chances when you run out of life. If you are breathing, there is hope. As Sofia said in Vanilla Sky: Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.

I choose the under arm turn, myself :)

Chaos at the Heart of Orion

Chaos at the Heart of Orion. That is the name of this picture taken from the Spitzer/Hubble space telescope. Yet in the chaos, isn't there such beauty? I hope that the person who took this photo didn't just add the colors for effect, but that they are the true colors God ordained.

I think the Lord ordains His beauty and colors in the chaos of a woman's heart. Even if our beauty is somewhat skewed (any woman wearing mascara can attest that it's not a pretty sight), the Lord can show His beauty, His plan, His majesty.

Peace like a river attended my way this evening. I am in awe of the way the Father of the Universe can arrange the stars in the sky, the planets around the sun, and rearrange the occasional chaotic moments of my emotions and mind.

The rollercoaster highs and lows, drives and defeats, and some of these occuring in a matter of 24 hours is sometimes daunting and frustrating. But all in all, it makes me aware that admist the confusion in my heart, the Sovereign God of the Universe still has me under control as well :)

Prince of Peace, You are my God

my Savior, friend, and confidant

forgive my doubts; i will celebrate

the love You are and gave of late

the plans of mine may fall apart

postponed, deterred, or altered still

but i will rest with joy, my Lord

that never changing is Your will

forbid me, Lord, to put my hope

in plans or gifts or thoughts of mine

though an off'ring, and prayerful filled

it is You in whom i will abide

Peace, but not as of the world

yet giv'n to us upon this earth

bestowed upon the hearts of those

stayed on God and Savior's birth

Oh holy Brother, truest friend

I will forever follow Thee

lead me where Your road may end

even if to calvary

A Deeper Hook

It doesn't matter what I say

So long as I sing with inflection

That makes you feel I'll convey

Some inner truth or vast reflection

But I've said nothing so far

And I can keep it up for as long as it takes

And it don't matter who you are

If I'm doing my job then it's your resolve that breaks

Because the hook brings you back

I ain't tellin' you no lie

The hook brings you back

On that you can rely

I was described the other day by my friend Sara as being "subdued." This was a momentous occasion. I have never, in my life, been described as any characteristic in the range of"calm-collected-subdued". One might say that this was just poor insight on her part, but knowing Sara and her careful choice of words, I attribute this as testimony to the Lord's work in my life.

In the pursuit of being "subdued," I have also begun to understand the power behind words. The pastor of our church's youth group is very careful of the words he chooses, often pausing the middle of sentences as he searches his inner thesaurus for what will capture the essence of his message.

Poetry can take my breath away. The grace of Robert Frost can take to the birch tree forest or those two roads diverged in a wood.

If you think about it, how many people often say, "It's a matter of semantics?" We use words to communicate our thoughts. In my studies as a speech pathologist, language was described as a "magical phenomenon" in which one person can telepathically create their mental image in the mind of another, simply by uttering sounds together in a sequence. It's beautiful really.

I say this because I am often not careful with words, and can often reflect the song I quoted above. It is a challenge to myself: is what I am saying really meaningful, or simply the ramblings of a manic state? Does it have substance, or just sound important?

Especially when writing worship music, do my songs impact others because of the thunderous roar of the drums and intricate guitar interludes, or do the words actually carry weight in themselves? I once heard a adjudicator gave a low score to my friend's song because "la la la's" don't bring people to Christ. Harsh, but is truth to that if the message behind the songs is just, "la la la..."

The hook might bring you back.

But I pray that with the power of the Holy Spirit, I can find the wisdom and words to stay with you or whomever forever.

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life

Okay. Two blogs in a row. But aren't the Lord's works meritted for two blogs? I mean, John said that Jesus' entire life and miracles couldn't be contained even if one continued writing. So I suppose two blogs in a day should be fine.

Picture in your mind the lightbulb coming on and then instantly a short fuse occurs. If this were a Demotivator, like the one above, the caption might read something like this: "Even the best ideas can have short fuses. But at least the idea was there, right?"

That describes my heart's condition in the time between this blog, and the one before it. It would be useless to rehash what happened, but it is never useless to sing (or blog) the Lord's praises after adversity (which is another great Demotivator if you have time).

As the Lord has it for His children, self loathing and pessimistic "woe is me's" need not last for long when we look upon the Lord. Just as He reminded me many blogs ago, "The shadow of these things [on earth] will fade in the light that shines from You." And thankfully the light of the Lord never fades, and in Heaven we won't need the sun or the moon, but only His presence as our light!

So what light shined today?

- The access to internet which allowed me to read three articles, which reminded me that the Lord has me right where He wants me and yes, I do enjoy where I am :)

- Demotivators with their sarcastic wit. Ironic how the demotivators motivate joy in life :)

- The smiling, mischievious face of one particular kindergartner who insists on calling me "Mister H." He wants to get a rise of out me. He usually gets a smile :)

- Teacher euphemisms for problem kids. I usually refer to these spritely sized terrors as having a lot of "personality." Another teacher ingeniously coined the term "having texture". It's much better to think of it that way, and I think that it humanizes the child as well :)

These are small things, and I do not suggest that in all times of doubt, grief, or horror, a nice colloquial will bring the rainbow out in the rain. But I am thankful for the times when it does.

I believe that we will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. My hope is that we strive to keep living, even when the goodness hasn't quite arrived yet.

Last Prophet Standing

The battle of the prophets. Here it seems like these two prophets, Hananiah and Jeremiah, are in some religious form of a political debate. The first speaks of deliverance; the other predicts enslavement. The first sooths the fear of the people; the other promises the approaching nightmare. Jeremiah’s response to Hananiah’s prophecy intrigue me:

“Amen! May the Lord do so; may the Lord confirm your words which you have prophesied to bring back the vessels of the Lord’s house and all the exiles, from Babylon to this place…”

But then he puts on a clause: “May it happen; but only when it happens will we know it is true.”

It’s almost like he’s saying, “Sure, go ahead, fly off the building, and when you do, come back and tell me.”

He doesn’t out rightly put merit in Hananiah’s words.

“The prophet who prophesies of peace, when the word of the prophet comes to pass, then that prophet will be known as one whom the Lord has truly sent.”

You’ll know the true prophet and the true prophecies when they happen. Until then, just wait?

So we’re supposed to wait around to see what happens? How long? How long are we to decide which are true and which are false? This seems like a pretty horrible answer, actually. Not that I would argue with its validity, but come on!

I’m not sure how long we’re supposed to wait for the Lord’s promises. Hebrews makes it clear that many of the people only saw their promises from a distance, and ultimately the promise of Christ came many generations after the initial promises of a Messiah.

Why’d they have to wait so long? Why did the Lord lay out the foundation of Christ, only for him to come many many generations later?

I don’t know.

But in this passage, Jeremiah’s “test” proves it’s point, at least when it comes to the true or false prophet. After the debate, Jeremiah goes to Hananiah basically to say, “You’re not the true prophet; and in fact, because you’re not true and you’re leading my people astray, you’re going to die within the year.”

And he does. Within 2 months, Hananiah is dead.

I’m not sure if the people knew of this prophecy against Hananiah. It seems like Jeremiah goes to him outside of the debate and the public eye. So were the people affected by his death? Did it then register, “Oh, well, this prophet died, so his words must be dead too.”

But ultimately, the source of the prophecy ends. It was a pretty short debate in the long run of which prophet would remain standing, especially as Jeremiah had been spared his life from his previous death threats. So, in this case (unlike the last one), both prophets were threatened with death: first from the people, second from the Lord. And look who’s left standing?

In Your word, You have shown your power. I will know the true prophecies in my life when they occur, and You will make it clear. You will kills those promises that are false so that I may clearly see Your truth. And you can do this swiftly, within two months or two years, or two minutes. Father, I ask for your mercy and forgiveness for perhaps holding hope out for promises I have taken as my own. But please Father, make it clear.

Habakkuk 2:1-4
1 I will stand my watch

And set myself on the rampart,

And watch to see what He will say to me,

And what I will answer when I am corrected.

2 Then the LORD answered me and said:

“ Write the vision and make it plain on tablets,

That he may run who reads it.

3 For the vision is yet for an appointed time;

But at the end it will speak, and it will not lie.

Though it tarries, wait for it;

Because it will surely come,

It will not tarry.

4 “ Behold the proud,

His soul is not upright in him;

But the just shall live by his faith.

The House of Prayer can be A House of Pain

Jeremiah 26
Cities of Judah Warned

In the beginning of the reign of Jehoiakim the son of Josiah, king of Judah, this word came from the LORD, saying, "Thus says the LORD, 'Stand in the court of the LORD'S house, and speak to all the cities of Judah who have come to worship in the LORD'S house all the words that I have commanded you to speak to them Do not omit a word! Perhaps they will listen and everyone will turn from his evil way, that I may repent of the calamity which I am planning to do to them because of the evil of their deeds."

"And you will say to them, 'Thus says the LORD, "If you will not listen to Me, to walk in My law which I have set before you, to listen to the words of My servants the prophets, whom I have been sending to you again and again, but you have not listened; then I will make this house like Shiloh, and this city I will make a curse to all the nations of the earth."'"

When I first read this passage, I naturally assumed that this prophecy was directed toward those who were not following God, in direct disobedience with His will, and not even seeking His face. And yet in the second verse it is clear that the audience of this prophecy were those in the temple, those going to worship the Lord in HIS House. And yet their response to the divine rebuke is to kill Jeremiah. Was it out of pride, of the assumption that going to the house of the Lord meant being right in the Lord’s presence? That seeking to be in His temple equaled seeking to be in the presence of God?

Do we not go to church in order to understand His ways, to learn more about Him, to be transformed in a place of teaching? And yet sometimes we do not want to accept that teaching, especially if it points out where we are wrong.

I know that I have felt this way. I want to go to church and maintain the spirit of "Hallelujah! Let's sing another song." Not, "Oh mericiful Father, I confess that I am wrong." Sometimes church is the only place that I can sit for an hour and hear from the Lord. So if I'm on the wrong path, it should not surprise me that I'll be redirected in God's house.

And this is what the Lord says in verse 3, the natural response of God’s people, to listen to His word and repent. And, the Lord gives the consequence if He is not followed. That’s love as well: it may be seen as a threat, but in the words of some screenplay writer, “It’s not a threat; it’s a promise.”

My pastor once said the most dangerous place to be is in God's presence, because we are fully exposed. I wonder if at times we want to go to God's house to compound our masquerade of self-perfection, instead of seeking God's revelation of Himself and His will in our lives.

I pray that all of us might heed the word of the Lord, and that those of us who regularly go into the House of God would enter prepared to hear whatever the Lord wants to say to us. That we listen to the Lord’s words, including His rebuke, seeking to be conformed to His will and follow His commands. When we come to the places designed for His worship, we must come with the intent for which the place was designed: HIS worship, not our own.

Lord Jesus, open my eyes today. I know that I am constantly in your presence. Let me be consciously aware of Your voice and the promptings of the Spirit.

Columbus Redeemed

For the past 4 years I had determined that Columbus, OH was settled on the mouth of hell. Driving thru the city usually resulted in some mishap, from losing luggage at the Columbus bus terminal, delayed bus trips, and my mom losing her gall bladder. Well, I am thankful and surprised to say that the Lord has redeemed Columbus, and I am the better for it.

The weekend in the "damned" city was supposed to be a simple get together with my parents. But God also allowed me to visit two of my friends the night before, and stay with my roommate's parents for the evening. Driving to all 4 corners of Columbus (literally) gave me a much better perspective of the city, other than the dismal Greyhound bus terminal. Also, the city is arranged like a spokeswheel, which makes it MUCH better to travel than Pittsburgh or Indianapolis. NO ONE WAYS!!! Hallelujah!

However, the best driving experience of the night was getting lost between 3:30-5am.

See, Google maps is awesome, except when you Google the wrong address. In my rush, I found directions to the correct street in the WRONG city (Brixton Drive in COLUMUB instead of HILLIARD). I don't realize that I have the wrong address until AFTER driving UP and DOWN the street 4 times and peering in random houses windows. Literally, peering against the windows to realize, "Nope...not this house". Keep in mind, this is at 4:20 in the morning. I'm surprised I wasn't arrested.

Unwilling to wake up my roommates parents (that's where I was trying to go), I called my friend Stephen in Chicago, who is notorious for staying up late. Well, he wasn't up at this point, but had the grace to wake himself up and be my Onstar for the evening. He guided me street by street from Columbus to Hilliard, which luckily was only 20 mins, but still....what a stellar guy! I arrived at my destination safe and sound and exhausted...it was now 5am. I told Stephen I owed him a dinner. Usually he'd deny it and say God be the glory, but this time he didn't oppose haha.

God also showed his redemptive grace in my conversation with my parents regarding my desire to go to New Zealand. What was most awesome is my dad was the one who brought it up. When mentioning my friend on Campus Crusade staff at OSU, my dad said, "Elise, if you like missions so much, maybe you should do it." This is a 180 turn around from his first comment regarding missions when I became a Christian: "Don't come back wanting to go to the Congo." Of course my mom still has hesitancies, but God gave me the words and the grace to explain my dream (see previous blog), my reasons, and my heart for the Lord's will in my life.

So, yeah. God totally rocked my weekend. Columbus is actually a beautiful city, great roadways, and how nice that everything is about 20 mins from eachother. BUT, my appreciation only goes so far...I'm still a die-hard Michigan fan. Sorry, Buckeyes.

I'll end this blog with promises the Lord reminded me of. Have a blessed day!

Thus says the Lord God of Israel, "Like these good figs, so I will regard as good teh captives of Judah, whom I have sent out of this place into the land of the Chaldeans. For I will set My eyes on them for good, and I will bring them again to this land; and i will build them up and not overthrow them, and I will plant them and not pluck them up. I will give them a heart to know Me, for I am the Lord; and they will be My people, and I will be their God, for they will return to Me with their whole heart." - Jeremiah 24: 5-7

"Every day I put hope on the line. I don't know one thing about the future. I don't know what the next hour will hold. There may be sickness, accident, personal or world catastrophe. Before this day is over, I may have to deal with death, pain, loss, rejection. I don't know what the future holds for me, for those I love, for my nation, for this world. Still, despite my ignorance and surrounded by tinny optimists and cowardly pessimists, I say that God will accomplish his will, and I cheerfully persist in living in the hope that nothing will seperate me from Christ's love." - Eugene Peterson, A Long Obedience in the Same Direction

Playing Joseph: A Dream of Commitment, Stability, and Elusivity

Whenever you're called on to make up your mind,

and you're hampered by not having any,
the best way to solve the dilemma, you'll find,
is simply by spinning a penny.
No - not so that chance shall decide the affair
while you're passively standing there moping;
but the moment the penny is up in the air,
you suddenly know what you're hoping.
- Piet Hein (1905-1996)

Whether dreams are the substance of the subconscious, a prophetic message from God, or simply a wish your heart makes, I believe they contain information pertinent to our reality. Personally, I have experienced dreams that fit into all three of the categories listed above. But last night's dream was strong enough to make me seek beyond the obvious scenario and wonder, "Is there something more to this than meets the mind's eye?"

In the dream, I discover that I am married to my best guy friend. We’ll call him “Nate”. Apparently, the marriage was sudden because because I was pregnant, but the baby was either aborted or died in a miscarriage. I totally flip out. First, I am incredibly anxious that I have married this man, essentially without consent. Second, my parents have no knowledge of this marriage, which would piss my mother off. I insist that we “remarry” so that they can be there, although I’m still not thrilled with the idea. We hold the ceremony in a catholic church, which is not my church, and the rituals of the marriage are awkward and strange. To further complicate the matter, during the ceremony, I realize that the musician for the wedding is the guy that I currently have feelings for, but doesn’t acknowledge them in return. We’ll call him “Tom.” Throughout the wedding I am overwhelmed with anxiety, because I realize that being married to Nate completely ends the possibility of being with Tom.

Sounds like a typical dream soap opera…but there’s more to it.

I’ve had several dreams of these men before. “Nate” has always been the man I turn to when a crisis occurs. In my apocalyptic dreams, I’m always with him or searching for him. When we are together in Dreamland, we are happy and comfortable with each other. In reality, “Nate” is my best friend, the man I have the utmost respect and really epitomizes the stable life. In a symbolic sense, I think “Nate” represents stability and security.

My dreams about “Tom” are less stable. We are never dating, but always friends. But each dream has an element of detachment. I am either watching from a distance or silently listening to his explanation that he’s not ready for a relationship and may never be. He goes about his life, and I stand there at a distance, wondering if I’ll ever be able to tell him my true feelings. It is a typical “What if” relationship. I believe that “Nate” represents the unknown, mystery, and the elusive “what if” of life.

So why am I so bothered about this particular dream with these men? Never before have they ever been in the same dream. And even more poignant is that they appear in a dream that’s setting is the most tangible form of commitment: marriage.

I’ve been thinking all day what this dream could mean. I do not believe it is a prophetic dream of who I will marry. But there may be prophetic elements to it. Here is my currently interpretation of this dream.

It is clearly a dream of anxiety and of repressed desire. Recently, I have been anxious about my next step in life. My mother wants me to pursue grad school. I’m toying with the idea of going to New Zealand.

Now for the interpretation.

I believe that the marriage ceremony represents a form of commitment. And the fact that I did not realize I was married signifies that I feel this commitment is being made for me, that I do not have a say in my decision for the future.

I believe that “Nate” represents the stability of choosing grad school. Of all my male friends, “Nate” is the most pragmatic choice for a husband, and grad school is the logical future choice with consideration to academic and financial pursuits. However, grad school is not necessarily MY choice, but my mom’s choice, and in the dream, I am very concerned about my mom’s involvement in my “marriage” or commitment.

I believe that “Tom” is the riskier, more elusive future endeavors, namely New Zealand. My heart desire is to be with “Tom”, so maybe this dream is showing that I really want to pursue New Zealand, or whatever choice it is, even if I am unsure of its outcome.

I think “Nate” and “Tom” both being present at the wedding is a subconscious means of comparing the two opposing choices for my future. If I were to take this dream as prophetic, it could mean that my choice to go to grad school would not be my own but chosen to satisfy my mother. Grad school would determine my future, but I would always desire and yearn for the “what if” of the road less traveled.

There was no ending to this wedding. There was no “kiss the bride” or processional. Instead, the dream ended with a familiar scene. “Tom” and I are sitting at the back of my church (not the catholic church). We are friends, and he is telling me, “I’m not sure if I’m ready for a relationship, and I’m not sure when I may be.” He stands up, and begins to walk to the opposite side of the church. I remain sitting, silent, wondering if I should go after him, and if I’ll ever be able to tell him my true feelings.

Perhaps the transition from the catholic church to my church means I have returned to my choices instead of the imposed beliefs of another. Perhaps Tom’s remarks symbolize the unknown and underdeveloped plans of the future. Maybe my response is my fear of risk in pursuing what I want, despite it being my true desire.

Or maybe it is just a reoccurring dream, replaying the knowledge of unrequited love. I still haven’t figured that part out.

Gardasil...not just for whores

Hi. I'm Elise. And I am one less.

This is the statement made by women on the advertisement for the Gardasil vaccine. The vaccine protects women from some of the deadliest forms of the HPV virus which causes cervical cancer. In the commercial, the women are rejoicing.

Why do I feel like I'm in an AA meeting?

I am frustrated with the seemingly accepted interpretation that the Gardasil vaccine is for women who lead promiscuous lives, choosing to sleep around instead of remaining abstinent until marriage. I have heard this more than once, especially among my friends and family who are Christians.

This blog is not to shine a bad light on Christianity. It is not to identify Christians as harsh, judgmental individuals. I am sure that there are Christians who do not see Garadsil as an admission of fornication, and non-Christians who do. In any case, I do believe there is a misconception here, and I'd like to try and change that.

I do not know everything about cervical cancer, but I do know that it is deadly and can kill...

...let me repeat: KILL.

It is my understanding that people fight to survive cancer. That we celebrate those who have survived. And that we walk miles and donate millions of dollars in the hopes of someday finding a cure.

So why is it that when a woman receives the Gardasil vaccine, she risks also receiving a scarlet letter?

Yes, cervical cancer is spread thru sexual contact. This affects women who commit fornication and adultery. This also affects women who are the victims of boyfriends or fiances who previously led promiscuous lives. It affects wives married to husbands who secretly have affairs. It affects the rape victim who was drugged at a party. And it affects the 11 year old girl, perhaps not even thinking about sex, who contracts the virus after being molested.

Would you advise any woman in these circumstances to avoid protection from a virus that she could contract even if it wasn't her fault?

Or what about the Christian women who are in constant battle with their desire for sex? Would you condemn a woman for seeking this vaccine knowing that she may lose a battle? Let me assure you, as a Christian woman who is in this war day in and day out, my decision to receive the Gardasil vaccine was not so I could stop fighting and jump into bed.

Would this even be an issue if the virus being prevented was HIV? Why do I have a suspicion that if an AIDS vaccination came out, everyone would be rushing to their doctors?

I admit that I have been angry writing this blog. But the Holy Spirit has just now changed my heart from anger to sadness. The women who receive this vaccination (including myself) should not be immediately judged as promiscuous or seeking promiscuity for having this vaccination. Our desire is to be one less.

One less woman to die prematurely.

One less woman to leave her daughter without a mother.

One less woman to die from her husband's mistakes.

One less woman to die from her mistakes....

...Please do not label us one less Christian.

NYC: Not Yeilding (to) Complacently

I spent the last weekend in New York City for a reunion with 4 of my friends from Interlochen. It was a blast. 4 of us met up Saturday evening, ate dinner, walked around Time Square and Little Italy, and played detective/stalker in a desperate attempt to locate the final member of our motley crew who was arriving from DC.

It was a great time reuniting. We were all still unique in our old ways, and yet were now 20 somethings who had just matured in that uniquness. It's hard to describe everything in a blog, but I learned once again that in a month, you can form the most wonderful friendships.

Or they can form in 8 hours.

I was supposed to leave on Monday afternoon. Arriving at the correct airport but wrong terminal, I finally rushed to my plane only to find it had been delayed...to the next morning. Too impatient to wait in line to see how the airline would compensate, I reboarded the bus to downtown. I made friends with a grad student name Josh who had just arrived from a bachelor party in Montreal. He walked with me to the Metro which was a blessing as I wasn't sure which train was correct.

I arrived at Columbus Circle and withdrew $50 from my account (I had lost my debit card the night before). With none of my friends picking up their phones, I decided to go back to the Irish pub I had visited for lunch that afternoon. John, the bartender from Belfast, welcomed me back with the Irish dialect that had brought me back in the first place.

I sat at the bar, and proceeded to explain my story: the lost card, the cancelled flight, the unreturned phone calls. The story evolved into a conversation between John, myself, and a young engaged British couple sitting next to me. The girl, Leanne, offered to buy me a drink. "We're on holiday!" she said. So she, her fiance Ben, and I continued to dinner, talking about politics, the difference in British and American school systems, my family heritage in England, British behavior at soccer games, and so on. I learned that England does NOT still refer to the US as "the Colonies" and how offering a British girl a Diet Coke is an insult ("What? Are you calling me fat?") And they insisted to cover each bill. "It's holiday!" I like British holidays...

We called it a night around 10pm, where I took a taxi to my friend Lindsey's apartment ($15). In the morning, I taxied again to Laguardia ($35). That totaled $50, the amount I had to spend in the first place. God does provide beyond our expectations...

And what a provision! Instead of another day with past-time friends, I met international "mates" who not only paid for my expenses and offered "wicked" conversations, but also invited me to stay with them in England. Looks like talking to strangers can sometimes be a wonderful experience :)

Oh, and why am I not yeilding to complacency: being in New York made me realize there is so much more in the world than the one in which I live. Being surrounded by people of different languages and different histories and different views reminds me that there are people beyond those I already know. I was becoming complacent in the post-university world I was developing. But this trip reminded me that this year IS a transition period. What lays ahead is unknown, but it is so much bigger than I imagined.

Life was never meant to be lived complacently. Open all the doors and let you out into the world...

nothing new, but everything learned

God is good, faithful, and true. He will not let his glory be shared with another. He is my Father, Creator, Healer, Comforter, everything thing I need, the only thing I have.

Yet in the midst of this hope and joy, allow me to be sad today...inspiration will come soon.

Well painted passion
You rightly suspect
Impersonation
The dumbing down of love
Jaded in anger
Love underwhelms you
No box of chocolates
Whichever way you fall

And if I tell you
Lover alone without love
What will happen
Lover alone without love
Will you miss him?
Love alone without, without love

No, no I'll get this
I want to treat you
You're still not famous
And you haven't struck it rich
Underachieving
'Cause no one's receiving
This tunnel vision
It's turning out all wrong

And if I tell you
Lover alone without love
What will happen
Lover alone without love
Will you miss him?
Love alone without, without love

- Frou Frou

Until all I have left is You

the treasures I had set my sights on
gather rust before my eyes
the truth that I had based my life on
is uncovered as a bed of lies
and the promises I had received
were just myself giving them to me

You take away
You take away
and all I have is You
You take away
You take away
until all I have is You

the shadows of these things will fade
in the light that shines from You

Lord take away
take away
so all I have left is You
Lord, take away
take away
until all I have is You

I have discovered that running is one of the best ways for me to focus on the Lord and pray to Him. This is probably because after 5 minutes my legs are killing me and my ankles want to turn directions not meant for the human body, which leads me to pray for the Lord to keep me going and not die on Hillside Drive.

Running also allows me to see things that I usually would overlook while driving. For instance, when I collapsed on the ground due to heat exhaustion, I saw a huge pile of HUGE boulders that were arranged in a weird cave formation. Probably an old abandoned house at one point. I probably would have climbed the fence to explore had there not been barbed wire at the top. Good thinking, Deer Park Management.

But most of all, when I run or walk, I am blown away by God's creation. His sky, the coloring of the grass, the hills and valley contours of the landscape; it blows me away. I am so much more thankful for a breeze in the hot sun than the safety of air conditioning (which is a blessing too).

While walking back home from the church (I was too exhausted to run), I was realizing all the things of this world that the Lord has stripped and is stripping from me. As the freestyle worship flowed, I found myself saying, "You take away, You take away, and all I have left is You."

I used to see God as taking things from me as punishment. A relationship, a job endeavor, a friendship. But now, at the age of 22 when all my friends seem to be having their dreams fulfilled, I see that God is stripping me so that I can be with Him alone, without distractions. It was a lesson I briefly learned at camp this past week when I had to focus on middle school girls and not my own selfish desires.

And the kicker: with friends getting married and others engaged and relationships blossoming like wildflowers, I thought how nice it would be to get flowers from a guy. And at that thought, I realized I was walking next to a garden of purple mini sunflowers. Silly huh? A girl longs for a guy to extend a bouquet, when the Lord of creation creates a field of them.

I love Him :)

sticks and stones hurt

even if you love someone, there are days when you don't want to love them. it's a horrible desire, but maybe you allow it because you know you always will love them regardless. but how do you want to love someone? how do you choose to love them, when the catalyst for the original pain resurfaces? and how do you prepare for a scar to reopen? is there preventative action? prayer and petition? denial? all out war? how about a song....

Sticks
written by Elise Hindmarsh

i first remember you
staring at the calendar
wondering where you were

the weeks had gone
and i was old enough to count them
one by one

one, two, you used to buckled my shoe
three, four, and then you shut the door
five, six, i'm still picking up the sticks you threw

do you know how deep you cut
how deep it has grown
idealism born
innocence lost

but you're not to blame
you had your own business to attend
but that was the problem even then

one, two, you used to buckle my shoe
three, four, and then you shut the door
five, six, i'm still picking up the sticks you threw
seven, eight, sometimes i think it's too late
nine, ten, to redo it all again

i still remember you
and looking in the mirror
i can see you in me

do i move on?
accept you as you are
as i cover up the scar

one, two, i will buckle my shoe
three, four, if you come back thru the door
five, six, i will burn all the sticks you threw
seven, eight, it is never too late
nine, ten, to redo it all again

a love i can believe

Sarah McLachlan's album "Afterglow" is almost my theme album for my relationship with Jesus Christ. I'm just infatuated with the lyrics, and they always push me towards my love for my Savior and my hope admist sinful failures and the struggle to hold fast to the cross. I was playing the album while getting ready for a wedding. At 22, with the illusion that all my friends are in relationships or engaged or married, this song rekindled the true love in my heart for Jesus Christ.

I do not regard Jesus as my lover or boyfriend (I actually despise that view), but He is the most intimate love that I have ever had. He knows the deepest parts of me, and reveals myself to me in gentleness or with the occasional slap to the face when I need it. All in all, He is the love of my life as my Lord, Savior, and Creator. It is His kindness that brings this fickle daughter of Eve back to His arms. He's the one true thing I know I can believe in.

Push ~ Sarah McLachlan

Every time I look at you
the world just melts away
All my troubles all my fears dissolve in your affections
You've seen me at my weakest
but you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land

[CHORUS:]
You stay the course
you hold the line
you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
You're all the things that I desire,
you save me, you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe

I get mad so easy
but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do
'cause you're to good to fight about it
Even when I have to push
just to see how far you'll go
You wont stoop down to battle
but you never turn to go

[CHORUS]

Your love is just the antidote
when nothing else will cure me
There are times I cant decide
when I cant tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I'd drown
But you pick me up and brush me off
and tell me I'm OK
Sometimes thats just what I need to get me through the day

Forgiving What I've Done

I really enjoy Linkin Park. I got turned onto them about 4 years ago, and totally fell in love with their lyrics. I think they embody the internal struggle of humanity...okay, at least my humanity. Their latest song echoed a lot of what I'm going thru right now, both in the negative and positive light. Their music video is appealing, but does not reflect how I interpret the song. But I'm sure it's worth watching anyways. Maybe one day I'll redo it. Until then, here are the lyrics........Love and peace.

What I've Done ~ Linkin Park

In this farewell
There’s no blood
There’s no alibi
‘Cause I’ve drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies

So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done

I’ve faced myself
To cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done

Put to rest
What you thought of me
Well I cleaned this slate
With the hands
Of uncertainty

So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done

I’ve faced myself
To cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done

For what I’ve done
I’ll start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I’m forgiving what I’ve done

I’ve faced myself
To cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done

What I’ve done
Forgiving what I’ve done

Adamant

Adamant
words inspired by John Donne's first Holy Sonnet

You have made me
but will Your work decay?
repair me now for now my end is coming fast
i run to death and death meets me halfway
and all my pleasures seem to be the same
as yesterday

and Your grace may help me to prevent his art
and like adamant, draw my iron heart!

i wonder if there'll be
a deeper sense of deep awakening
and if i'll ever be lost in only You
i wonder if they'll see
the deeper parts deep inside of me
and if they were to see
would they see only You?

i will not move my dim eyes away
despair behind, and death before
they cast such terror
and my feeble flesh wastes away
by the sin inside, i think i might see hell today

and Your grace may help me to prevent his art
and like adamant, draw my iron heart!

i wonder if there'll be
a deeper sense of deep awakening
and if i'll ever be lost in only You
i wonder if they'll see
the deeper parts deep inside of me
and if they were to see
would they see only You?

only You are above, and when at last you give
me the grace to look, i can rise again
but our old subtle foe tempts well and i play his game
not one hour on my own can i sustain

but Your, it helps me to prevent his art
and like adamant, draw my iron heart!

i wonder if there'll be
a deeper sense of deep awakening
and if i'll ever be lost in only You
i wonder if they'll see
the deeper parts deep inside of me
and if they were to see
would they see only You?

and i know there will be
a deeper sense of deep awakening
and someday i will be lost in only You
and one day all will see
the deepest parts deep inside of me
and then they'll finally see
that it was always You

Superficial Saint

oh Lord, i lift Your name up
although i'm down and out myself
out of control

and i will glorify You
for You're the only one who sees
the only One who knows

and i still cannot make sense of this situation
could this mess i'm in still lead to my salvation?

so discipline me, Lord
take my heart
and bring me to my knees
captivate me, Lord
set my eyes beyond what i see
consecrate me, Lord
strip away this world
i've made my friend
discipline me, Lord
the pain will lead to peace
in the end

oh Lord, the darkness claims me
and the chains i gladly wore
wear me down

oh please accept my weary plea
and accept my weary faith
tainted with doubt

for i know Your knowledge of me goes much deeper
than this superficial saint
to the sinner who needs the slate erased

...

i have yet to shed blood
up against the sin Your Son
took upon Him with the crown of thorns
although this road is filled with pain
my eyes will still remain
on Jesus Christ
the perfecter of my faith

...