Still in the Land of the Living

When you're blindsided and deceived and chained to the floor
When it's difficult to see the writing on the wall
When it's hard for you to breathe, keep a clear mind
When it's hard for you to be, just to be yourself sometimes
Keep on believing God is soaring above a world that's
running out of love
Pouring hope out over us, His angel doves
- Mindy Smith, Angel Doves

On November 08, 2007, I ended a blogpost with this:

"I believe that we will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. My hope is that we strive to keep living, even when the goodness hasn't quite arrived yet."

How ironic that I could be my own personal prophet. Exactly one month after writing this blog, I needed to hear these very words.

The past two weeks have not been all waltzes and jives. In fact, the days preceding my most recent post were pretty awful. To be completely honest, I was questioning my faith, doubting my salvation, isolating myself from friends, and contemplating suicide. I praise the Lord Jesus Christ that there were no attempts, but those of us who have struggled with suicide can understand that sometimes the thoughts can be as painful as the follow thru. I had reached a point where I felt worthless, had lost any amount of control, and just wanted to give up. It was all too much to bear, and the only way to make it stop was to stop everything.

Dory: Hey there, Mr. Grumpy Gills. When life gets you down do you wanna know what you've gotta do?
Marlin: No I don't wanna know.
Dory: [singing] Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim.

It was at that point that I knew I needed help if I was going to get thru this. But I think the greatest fear in talking about our pain is that no one will understand. And that's true, to a degree. Others may not understand the circumstances. They may not understand how or why we feel the way we do. But we all understand pain. And I think sometimes that's enough. Seeking out those people is hard, painful, and draining, but their love can help the healing process.

Ultimately Jesus Christ is the true source of our healing, but what happens when you can't find the words to talk to Him, or to pray, or to come into His presence?

I had to rely on the words and strength of others to lift me up. This is humbling. I usually have been the strong one in my relationships with others. But this time, I was the paralytic, and I needed others to bring me to Jesus. I needed a Dory to encourage me to keep going when I didn't have the heart to try anymore. And slowly, but surely, I'm healing. I'd say I'm 90% there.

For those of you who might know someone dealing with suicide or simply hurting, remember this: Sometimes I think we make empathy this unattainable emotion. As if we have to experience the exact event or truly know what the person is going thru in order to respond properly. But you don't need to know the intricacies of anatomy to see that someone needs an ambulance. In the same way, you don't have to understand thoughts of suicide to know that a person with those thoughts needs to be listened to and loved.

Honestly, I debated for a couple days whether or not to write this in a blog. So what is my point for writing this? Let me dismiss two in particular.

I don't want attention. Although prayers would be appreciated.
I'm not looking for pity. There are lives much worse than mine.

I suppose I'm writing this in hopes that someone who may be feeling the same thing might know that they're not alone. I've been told by a few people that God has used this blog to inspire, create joy, challenge, and whatever other verbs are appropriate for the encouragment of others. That is humbling and an honor. My hopes is that this post will do the same.

And if not for someone else, maybe for myself in another month from now.

Even if you have been a strong and collected leader, understand that every once in a while, everybody falls. Josh Joplin calls it Gravity. I call it humanity.

Keep striving. Keep swimming. Keep singing...

Another rainy day
I can't recall having sunshine on my face
All I feel is pain
All I wanna do is walk out of this place
But when I am stuck and I can't move
When I don't know what I should do
When I wonder if I'll ever make it through

I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
Your the one that's keeping my heart beating
I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
That's the only way that I'll find healing

Can I climb up in Your lap
I don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
I gotta keep singing
- MercyMe, Keep Singing