Playing Joseph: A Dream of Commitment, Stability, and Elusivity

Whenever you're called on to make up your mind,

and you're hampered by not having any,
the best way to solve the dilemma, you'll find,
is simply by spinning a penny.
No - not so that chance shall decide the affair
while you're passively standing there moping;
but the moment the penny is up in the air,
you suddenly know what you're hoping.
- Piet Hein (1905-1996)

Whether dreams are the substance of the subconscious, a prophetic message from God, or simply a wish your heart makes, I believe they contain information pertinent to our reality. Personally, I have experienced dreams that fit into all three of the categories listed above. But last night's dream was strong enough to make me seek beyond the obvious scenario and wonder, "Is there something more to this than meets the mind's eye?"

In the dream, I discover that I am married to my best guy friend. We’ll call him “Nate”. Apparently, the marriage was sudden because because I was pregnant, but the baby was either aborted or died in a miscarriage. I totally flip out. First, I am incredibly anxious that I have married this man, essentially without consent. Second, my parents have no knowledge of this marriage, which would piss my mother off. I insist that we “remarry” so that they can be there, although I’m still not thrilled with the idea. We hold the ceremony in a catholic church, which is not my church, and the rituals of the marriage are awkward and strange. To further complicate the matter, during the ceremony, I realize that the musician for the wedding is the guy that I currently have feelings for, but doesn’t acknowledge them in return. We’ll call him “Tom.” Throughout the wedding I am overwhelmed with anxiety, because I realize that being married to Nate completely ends the possibility of being with Tom.

Sounds like a typical dream soap opera…but there’s more to it.

I’ve had several dreams of these men before. “Nate” has always been the man I turn to when a crisis occurs. In my apocalyptic dreams, I’m always with him or searching for him. When we are together in Dreamland, we are happy and comfortable with each other. In reality, “Nate” is my best friend, the man I have the utmost respect and really epitomizes the stable life. In a symbolic sense, I think “Nate” represents stability and security.

My dreams about “Tom” are less stable. We are never dating, but always friends. But each dream has an element of detachment. I am either watching from a distance or silently listening to his explanation that he’s not ready for a relationship and may never be. He goes about his life, and I stand there at a distance, wondering if I’ll ever be able to tell him my true feelings. It is a typical “What if” relationship. I believe that “Nate” represents the unknown, mystery, and the elusive “what if” of life.

So why am I so bothered about this particular dream with these men? Never before have they ever been in the same dream. And even more poignant is that they appear in a dream that’s setting is the most tangible form of commitment: marriage.

I’ve been thinking all day what this dream could mean. I do not believe it is a prophetic dream of who I will marry. But there may be prophetic elements to it. Here is my currently interpretation of this dream.

It is clearly a dream of anxiety and of repressed desire. Recently, I have been anxious about my next step in life. My mother wants me to pursue grad school. I’m toying with the idea of going to New Zealand.

Now for the interpretation.

I believe that the marriage ceremony represents a form of commitment. And the fact that I did not realize I was married signifies that I feel this commitment is being made for me, that I do not have a say in my decision for the future.

I believe that “Nate” represents the stability of choosing grad school. Of all my male friends, “Nate” is the most pragmatic choice for a husband, and grad school is the logical future choice with consideration to academic and financial pursuits. However, grad school is not necessarily MY choice, but my mom’s choice, and in the dream, I am very concerned about my mom’s involvement in my “marriage” or commitment.

I believe that “Tom” is the riskier, more elusive future endeavors, namely New Zealand. My heart desire is to be with “Tom”, so maybe this dream is showing that I really want to pursue New Zealand, or whatever choice it is, even if I am unsure of its outcome.

I think “Nate” and “Tom” both being present at the wedding is a subconscious means of comparing the two opposing choices for my future. If I were to take this dream as prophetic, it could mean that my choice to go to grad school would not be my own but chosen to satisfy my mother. Grad school would determine my future, but I would always desire and yearn for the “what if” of the road less traveled.

There was no ending to this wedding. There was no “kiss the bride” or processional. Instead, the dream ended with a familiar scene. “Tom” and I are sitting at the back of my church (not the catholic church). We are friends, and he is telling me, “I’m not sure if I’m ready for a relationship, and I’m not sure when I may be.” He stands up, and begins to walk to the opposite side of the church. I remain sitting, silent, wondering if I should go after him, and if I’ll ever be able to tell him my true feelings.

Perhaps the transition from the catholic church to my church means I have returned to my choices instead of the imposed beliefs of another. Perhaps Tom’s remarks symbolize the unknown and underdeveloped plans of the future. Maybe my response is my fear of risk in pursuing what I want, despite it being my true desire.

Or maybe it is just a reoccurring dream, replaying the knowledge of unrequited love. I still haven’t figured that part out.