I don't dance well

A while ago I wrote a blog about the joy of ballroom dancing. I said how wonderful it was as an allegory to what it means to let a man lead, and to learn how to follow, and how to learn to follow my Lord Jesus with every prompting He makes.

The lesson continues.

I'm starting to learn how my desire for control and self-righteous "knowledge" of how to dance negatively impacts the men who are called to lead me. And it frustrates me.

I went to a dance last Saturday. During the lesson part, one of the instructors was helping my boyfriend and I on swing. It was all fine and dandy until she said, "You know, even if the guy gets off beat, you just have to dance off beat. You have to adjust to him." I burned with that remark.

Not that my boyfriend is a bad dancer. NOT AT ALL! That wasn't the point. What "burned me" was the thought that if someone was doing something wrong, I (who was right) would have to adjust to him. That I'd have to be wrong too! And why? Because the male is supposed to lead, even if he leads a 4 count in a 3 count.

The real issue is about respect. In dancing, the male is called to be the leader, know the moves, ect. And the girl is to follow his promptings. This is a very high calling to a guy who is maybe new to dancing, which can hurt his ego a bit. But his ego is in for a world of hurt if the woman isn't gracious in his limitations, showing frustration, annoyance, and displeasure when the guy is really trying. She's not much of a partner to dance with if she's making him feel immasculine, and in the world of ballroom dancing, she probably won't get asked to dance again if she does that with every man she's with.

Man, I am a bad dancer. At first, the women said that I could follow wonderfully. But now I see that I am only good at following when the man is going MY direction. So I guess that's not following. That's accompanying. Or even worse, dancing by myself and another person just happens to be there with you.

I was always awarded with being strong-willed, independent, and knowledgeable. But I don't really remember being commended as a good team player. I'm good at expressing my needs. I'm good at getting things done. I'm good at facing challenges. But I'm not good at doing these thing with another person.

Instead, my strong opinions and needs are forced onto others as a demand, not a desire. And what happens? The picture above: I start hitting the guy in the face, slapping him around, and eventually, I'm dancing solo again. Because solo is all I know.

I think there are two ways of living a solo life. You can either dominate or alienate. If you're dominating, the other person is there, but not involved. It is your way, or the highway. There is no compromise, and even when you are negotiating, its clear that the negotiation will go YOUR way. You're still right, you just have to make the other person think they're choosing that way too. But the choice is clearly more of an ultimatum.

If you alienate, the other person doesn't even exist. No, I don't need your help. No, I don't need your advice. No, I will not talk to you about it. I'll do it solo. I can do it without you. There isn't even an illusion that the other person is there. It's only you.

I really don't want to dominate or alienate, but that's all I've known. I've learned that people aren't trustworthy, and that people leave. But maybe people aren't trustworthy because I don't give them a chance to do it their way. And maybe people leave because I make them feel bad about themselves.

So how do I learn to dance well and encourage others to do the same? How do I follow, even if the timing feels off? I'm just not good at this...