A Letter to Elise

I wrote this blog entry on my myspace page back in August, nearly a year ago. I needed to hear it again. Funny how words come back to haunt us...this time, in a good way.

August 16, 2008

Open your hearts to us; we have wronged no one, we have corrupted no one, we have taken advantage of no one. I do not say this to condemn you, for I said before that you are in our hearts, to die together and to live together. I have great confidence in you; I have great pride in you; I am filled with comfort. With all our affliction, I am overjoyed. (2 Corinthians 7:2-4)

I wish I could have the same spirit as Paul when he speaks to the Christians of various towns. The epistles were written because people we screwing up, making mistakes, being led astray despite his work to show them the accurate gospel of Jesus Christ. And yet, this insane behavior does not create a heart of bitterness in Paul. Instead he states simply, "I have great confidence in you; I have great pride in you; I am filled with comfort."

I wish I could say this to my friends who fall habitually into sin. I wish I could say, "I'm proud of you," when they start behaving like maniacs. But then again, when I was in my downward spirals, I desperately wanted someone to believe in me. I needed the affirmation of love. So Paul gives. And so I want to give to my friends as well.

When someone believes in you, you can't help but feel the slightest bit empowered. If someone believes in me, I at least wonder what they could see that perhaps I don't see. We all need someone to see us beyond ourselves, because way too frequently we're egotistical cry babies.

Paul says that in Christ, we no longer see the world thru human eyes, but thru the eyes of God. Maybe that's where believing in sinners (ncluding myself) comes from. God sees me thru the blood of Christ, not the blood on my hands. I can be proud of my friends, and have confidence in them, because I know the Lord does not give up on those he has called according to His good purpose.

Maybe that's why Paul can say, "I have great confidence in you; I have great pride in you; I am filled with comfort." Maybe his words weren't a reflection on their behavior, but a reflection of the hope found in the Holy Spirit that He is faithful to complete the work he began in us. And maybe Paul's role was not to judge, or to condemn, but to just encourage. To help the people of Corinth see beyond themselves, and to the cross, just like Jesus.

So this gift of encouragement, God…help me be proud of those who have lost their pride, to have confidence in those who have lost heart, and to have comfort for those who can't stand being in their own skin. If you won't give up on them, neither shall I.

Revolutionaries: Juan Mann, Lennon, and Jesus

You say you want a revolution
Well, you know we all want to change the world
You tell me that it's evolution
Well, you know we all want to change the world
But when you talk about destruction
Don't you know that you can count me out
Don't you know it's gonna be all right

You say you got a real solution
Well, you know we'd all love to see the plan
You ask me for a contribution
Well, you know we're doing what we can
But when you want money for people with minds that hate
All I can tell is brother you have to wait
Don't you know it's gonna be all right

-John Lennon, Revolution

Will you change the world through love or hate?

Will you build a new bridge by burning an old one or fixing the rotting wood?

Will you remove opposition by destroying the enemy or making friends?

How will you be a revolutionary?

When the disciples asked Jesus if they could destory His opponents by calling on Heaven's fire (Luke 9:53-56), Jesus rebuked them, and said He came to save and not destroy. When Judas had determined in his mind to betray Jesus, and Jesus was aware of it, Jesus washed Judas' feet just like he did with his friends. (John 13:2-5) When Jesus was arrested, his disciple cut off one of the enemy party's ear. Jesus rebuked his disciple and put the ear back on the man (Luke 22:47-51).

Jesus was a revolutionary. And yet at all times when His disciples called for violence, Jesus responded in the opposite spirit: love.

At these moments, I realize that I am too much like a disciple, and not enough like Christ. May my heart be changed, and by loving even my enemies, be a revolutionary.

The world knows how to hate. We need revolutionaries to show what it means to love.

I Will Be Stainless Steel

Jesus tells stories through parables. God still speaks to me through similies and metaphors.

I was washing my dishes and was cleaning this stainless steel pot. As the water and soap washed away the grim and dried macaroni and cheese, the Holy Spirit reminded me of a verse somewhere that says we should be careful not be stained by the world. Got me thinking of how followers of Jesus might be liked stainless steel pots.

A stainless steel pot is useful for many things: cooking, boiling, simmering. And the use of this pot is often for the benefit of others, primarily filling my belly. But in the process of being used for the purpose of which it was designed, it get's dirty....grimy...not so attractive...and occasionally, smelly. But then you mix some water with soap, grab a sponge, and it becomes clean and shiny. Sometimes you have to soak it a little bit in the hot water, but eventually, all the grim comes off, and it's ready to be used again.

This is how I'm similar. God made me for a purpose, and in my opinion, that purpose is to bless others (you'll notice that a pot doesn't make food for itself, but for other people). But sometimes when I'm being used, I get dirty. This world is a beautiful, but dirty place. Sometimes I buy into the lies of consumerism, sarcasm, orgasm, and all the other stuff that I run into on a daily basis when trying to shine Jesus' light without blinding people in the process.

And so what happens at the end of the day, when I come home and realize I got a bit dirty? I go to Jesus, and remind myself that by accepting His sacrifice on the cross for my sins, I am washed in His blood. And by repentance, by deciding to turn away from all those "asms" not matter how difficult it might be, I am forgiven and made new. Daily made new.

There are times when I am so ashamed of the grime I've collected that I don't go to my Savior right away. Instead, out of my shame, I just leave it there and try to ignore it. But eventually it starts to fester, grows deeper. But it can still be cleaned. I can still be made new. The "refiner's fire" might take a bit longer because by now an isolated incident might have started to spread and multiply to other areas of my life, but Jesus is faithful to forgive if we give ourself to Him.

So yeah. Haha, Mr. Clean has NOTHING on Jesus. And I want to be a stainless steel pot.

Lord Jesus, You see I patiently wait

Come now, and within me a new heart create

To those who have sought You,

You never said No

Now wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.

- Hymn #319

Follow Thru - New Song

I wrote this after thinking about ways in which I want to be in relationship with people. After "finishing the song" I felt something was missing, and added the third line in the chorus. I dedicate this song as a prayer for missionaries, whether by title or in heart, as an encouragement to follow through in relationships with people, especially with those who are harder to relate for whatever reason. To love someone may be a decision, but I believe it should develop into a heart condition. Never give up hope that you can learn love someone well.

I hope I never presume
to understand the things I know so little
but I hope that what I do know I will not hide
believing it might be too big for you to handle

I hope that I encourage
lift you up with what I say and do
and leave you with a better peace of mind
and be incarnate of a balanced love and truth

i may not understand you
but I hope you help me to
and maybe the heart will follow thru
but if my ignorance becomes me
please forgive me
I’m learning, too

I want to learn to say I’m sorry
when I offend my fellow man
I confess that most of this my pride
sometimes it’s easier to take someone down than to stand

I want to think for myself
without ignoring sound advice
and love those who loved me enough to get in my way
without them I wouldn’t be half as wise

i may not understand you
but I hope you help me to
and maybe the heart will follow thru
but if my ignorance becomes me
please forgive me
I’m learning, too

There are places I remember...

There are place I remember all my life, though some have changed. And I have changed. It's a good Beatles song, but one line is all too true for me:

And these mem'ries lose their meaning when I think of love as something new.

As a resident nomad, I have been blessed to have built community wherever I've been, though it be painful and at times heartwrentching. But just like the model airplane or Barbie doll house that was once such a part of my growth, I grow older and set these communities on a shelf. Occasionally I see the faces and smiles, and the echos of laughter. But as time passes, the echoes get softer and the faces are more blurred as they collect dust. And as I play in my new community, the past becomes that...the past...and I rarely look back, or desire to return.

I am a compartmentalizer. Each season of my life does not flow into the next, but is boxed up like spring cleaning. "Oh, that was the friendships of '06. Kind of out of style now." I think it's easier for me to deal with the pain of the loss, by compartmentalizing. If these friendships or community was only meant for THAT period of time, then it would be unnecessary to still feel an attachment during THIS period of time.

I think I'm flawed in this thinking, to an extent. Friendships do come and go, communities as well. However, I completely cut the strings. Not maliciously, but as a way to fully invest in what is before me. I think I'm wrong.

Jesus knew what this was like. His community so to speak was the 12 disciples. They went with him everywhere. And as the time with this community was coming to a close, He prayed to the Father, "Now I am departing the world; I am leavning them behind and coming to you. Holy Father, keep them and care for them - all those you have given me - so they will be united just as we are...Father I want these whom you've given me to be with me, so they can see my glory." (John 17:11,24, NLT)

I think my prayers have been different: "Father, I'm leaving (insert city here). I'm moving on to the next place You've called me to go. Father, keep them and care for them - all those You've given to me as a community. I'm sure I'll see them later, but if that doesn't happen, I wish them the best and wash my hands of it."

I want to learn how to continue to love from a distance. That it's okay to miss a community of people, and that doesn't make me ungrateful for where the Lord has me. I miss my community in Bloomington, the people of YWAM Pursuits, and I love the growing community of Pittsburgh. There's a place in my heart for all. And maybe not in a compartmental way, but in a shared appreciation. And if that means I physically feel the loss of proximity (as I am starting to feel now), that's okay. It does not make my ungrateful for what I have. The pain recognizes that it was good, and when good things go, there's a sadness. I guess that's a normal chain reaction that I don't allow myself to feel for long.

The Beatles end their song saying, "I know I'll never lose affection for people and things that went before. I know I'll often stop and think about them..." In my life, I'll love them all.

God sends me messages thru the radio

Last night, my dad said that a clear symptom for schizophrenia was that a person might feel they were getting messages through the radio. Dang it, I thought...that happens to me all the time! And guess what, folks...it happened to me today :)

I've been having a terrible time praying lately. I know that I'm called to pray, talk to God a lot, be an intercessor, whatever your particular vernacular is. The thing is, I have a terrible time doing it. I was laying in my bathtub last night and just TRYING to get some words out, but I didn't even know where to start. It had nothing to do with finding the right words or the right awesome Christian line to say. I seriously had no words, and the ones I did have got stuck behind my teeth. Lord, help me, I thought.

This afternoon I was driving down Rt. 28 and knew that I needed to break through these walls. HOLY SPIRIT! I screamed softly in my car. Break down these walls. I know I can't do it myself, because if I could, I would have done it by now. I clawed my way with my tongue through simple statements of who God was: God is good, all the time. God is patient. God is love. It wasn't that I didn't believe what I was saying, but it was just SO hard to get the words out. Oh Lord, I need help. Yet as I prayed these simple words, I noticed the song on the radio. It was Aretha Franklin's "Spirit in the Dark".

I particularly heard the repeating chorus:

Start getting the Spirit

Start getting the Spirit

Start getting the Spirit

the Spirit in the dark

So that was awesome. The Holy Spirit was whispering in my ear, "You're going to start getting me in this dark time, Elise. So be ready. Start getting the Spirit." Yeah, it was cool.

At 7:30pm I went to the Bible study in the Tattoo Shop. First off, it's awesome that there is a Bible study in the basement of at tattoo shop, although it's a shame that the concept is such a novel idea. I think there should be more Bible Studies in more local shops, but hey, this is awesome. The community is always real, and sometimes quiet, but I managed to hold my tongue for at least the first study.

Anyways, my friendly acquaintance Denman began the study humbly stating his weakness of public speaking, and continued with one of the most amazing mini sermons that I've ever heard. It's not really a sermon, but more of a "this is what i've been thinkin about, and I think it can encourage you as God used it to encourage me" type deals: and now...discuss. The topic was on honesty, faith, and love. It won't unpack it for you, but hopefully if you know any of us that attend the study, you'll see the Spirits impact in the way we live our lives from this day forward.

The entire conversation was so filled with the Holy Spirit. People started bearing their souls (or at least a shade deeper than the tip of the iceberg). We talked about Lent, what we needed in our lives to get straight, how to maintain true humility while encouraging others in the victories in our lives, how we struggle with Jesus's love in the religiosity of Christianity, and were flipping through Scriptures (which I LOVE).

And then a miracle happened: one of the girls, Emma, mentioned how much she liked to pray, and asked people to send her prayer requests so she could pray for them. EUREKA!!! I immedately saw this as a Godsend opportunity for me to hook up with someone and pray WITH them, considering how hard it's been for me to pray alone. Call it my paralytic moment when I needed friends to bring me into Christ's presence. She and I agreed to find a time during the week to pray together. A-mazing.

So I like to have some circular closure to a day, so of course I couldn't start the day with a schizophrenic moment and not end it with one as well. I drove home after the study, and at this point, Lent was on the brain. What am I going to give up? It's not a legalistic thing for me, but discipline to experience some kind of suffering like Christ. It's really none of anyone's business what I'm going to fast, but as I drove home debating the specific idea in my head, I heard these lyrics:

Everybodys got a hungry heart

Everybodys got a hungry heart

Lay down your money and you play your part

Everybodys got a hungry heart

Everybody needs a place to rest

Everybody wants to have a home

Dont make no difference what nobody says

Aint nobody like to be alone

Everybodys got a hungry heart
Everybodys got a hungry heart
Lay down your money and you play your part
Everybodys got a hungry heart

I personally felt that the Lord was confirming what I was thinking about. He was reminded me that everyone of us have hungry hearts, and we search for satisfaction in those certain things. And that's what I think fasting is about: replacing your satisfaction of one thing with God, who ultimately satisfies our hunger anyways.

So there you have it. God speaks in mysterious ways, and answers our prayers, even as we're fighting for the words to speak. Good thing the Holy Spirit hears us when we have no words. God's good like that, all the time.

Tell them I love them

Tell them I love them

Tell them it was done so they would come,

free from condemnation

Tell them they were not forgotten

That it was done because I remembered

what would happen between now and then

Tell them I miss them

Tell them I never left them

Tell them they walked away and I cried

Tell them I love them

Tell them I don't want to control them

Tell them I will not abuse them

Tell them I am not waiting for fancy words

Tell them "I'm sorry" can break the bondage

Tell them I am not looking for acts of servicebut hearts of worship

Tell them I am greater than their hearts

Tell them I love them

Tell them I love them

Tell them I love them

Waiting for Movement

I haven't written in a while, but now, having internet free and an unlimited time, I thought I'd share my evening God revelation.

I have a confession to make: I haven't been making much time for God. It's been really hard to read my Bible, it's been really hard to pray, and it's been really hard to just BE with Him. So tonight, after arriving in New Zealand after an amazing month in Fiji, I decided to grab a guitar and sit underneath the stars and humbly come before God in the way I know best: music.

I laid down on the picnic bench and God reminded me how amazing His creation is. I missed the star scattered nights of New Zealand. I started singing a few worship songs, and suddenly I saw a shooting star. Awesome! I sang another one, and there was another star! Three songs later, another star! Then I started praying, confessing, asking forgiveness, and there was another one. I felt as if the Lord was confirming what I was singing, as if each star was a sign of His recognition. It was amazing.

But I also sensed that the Lord was reminding me of something about how He works. You see, I just got back from Fiji, which was amazing, but I was honestly disappointed that I didn't see huge massive amounts of people healed, coming to the Lord, hitting their knees in repentance. I saw the stars representing the multitudes of people lost, scattered on the earth. God did tell Abraham that his descendants would be like the stars in the sky.

But admist all the stars standing still, not moving, were those few shooting stars. God showed me that the shooting stars were the fruit of God, the changed lives in people. And he gave me two insights into the nature of these stars:

1. I can't expect results immediately. I had to keep looking for these stars, not just wait five minutes expecting a meteor shower to occur. In 30 minutes, I saw only 5 shooting stars in a multitude of thousands. But each shooting star was beautiful. And that is the nature of how God bears fruit. It takes time, and it's in His timing. We just have to be patient and keep our eyes open.

2. The shooting stars happened while I was praising God, while I was praying. This is the same with people. If I praise God, if I pray, I will see changes in people's lives as well.

So those are my thoughts tonight. God is good, all the time. Especially on starry, starry nights :) Gute nacht.

If I had let my eyes decide

I once met an old man who was wrinkled, white, and grey
If I had let my eyes decide, I would have walked away
His stories were of adventure, and mystery and love
And his crows feet grew from praying to the sky and Son above
the whisky on his breath keeps him sober through the day
if I had let my eyes decide, I'd have had too much to say

I once met a woman with stains on all her clothes,
If I had let my eyes decide, I would have gone back home
She told me of the tears that have soaked her tattered skirt,
Her child is at school, and then comes home to sleep in dirt
The coins that line her pockets feed the lining in her stomach
If I had let my eyes decide, I'd have thought quite little of it

I once met a boy with colors on his arm
If I had let my eyes decide, I'd have thought he meant me harm
He told me that his pictures were the still frames of his life
That gave him strength and character for his future, Christian wife
His hope is just to love the ones the world chose to ignore
If I had let my eyes decide, I would have expected more

I once met a girl with a sweater for each season
If I had let my eyes decide, I'd have not asked for a reason
She told me that each sweater hides the scars on both her wrists
And her entourage of friends conceals the only one she'll miss
And soon she won't need sweaters, or even a change of clothes
If I had let my eyes decide, I would have never known

I meet so many people but we never truly meet
I jump to my conclusions as I pass them on the street
I'd never ask them questions, I'd simply just assume
That the way the look must dictate who they were straight from the womb
If I had let my eyes decide, how would I see within
How can I find the heart of man, if all I see is skin

IPOY

August 16, 2008

Open your hearts to us; we have wronged no one, we have corrupted no one, we have taken advantage of no one. I do not say this to condemn you, for I said before that you are in our hearts, to die together and to live together. I have great confidence in you; I have great pride in you; I am filled with comfort. With all our affliction, I am overjoyed. (2 Corinthians 7:2-4)

I wish I could have the same spirit as Paul when he speaks to the Christians of various towns. The epistles were written because people we screwing up, making mistakes, being led astray despite his work to show them the accurate gospel of Jesus Christ. And yet, this insane behavior does not create a heart of bitterness in Paul. Instead he states simply, “I have great confidence in you; I have great pride in you; I am filled with comfort.”

I wish I could say this to my friends who fall habitually into sin. I wish I could say, “I’m proud of you,” when they start behaving like maniacs. But then again, when I was in my downward spirals, I desperately wanted someone to believe in me. I needed the affirmation of love. So Paul gives. And so I want to give to my friends as well.

When someone believes in you, you can’t help but feel the slightest bit empowered. If someone believes in me, I at least wonder what they could see that perhaps I don’t see. We all need someone to see us beyond ourselves, because way too frequently we’re egotistical cry babies.
Paul says that in Christ, we no longer see the world thru human eyes, but thru the eyes of God. Maybe that’s where believing in sinners comes from. God sees me thru the blood of Christ, not the blood on my hands. I can be proud of my friends, and have confidence in them, because I know the Lord does not give up on those he has called according to His good purpose.

Maybe that’s why Paul can say, “I have great confidence in you; I have great pride in you; I am filled with comfort.” Maybe his words weren’t a reflection on their behavior, but a reflection of the hope found in the Holy Spirit that He is faithful to complete the work he began in us. And maybe Paul’s role was not to judge, or to condemn, but to just encourage. To help the people of Corinth see beyond themselves, and to the cross, just like Jesus.

So this gift of encouragement, God…help me be proud of those who have lost their pride, to have confidence in those who have lost heart, and to have comfort for those who can’t stand being in their own skin. If you won’t give up on them, neither shall I.

Shout Out

I just wanted to make a shout out to the woman who waited in the Bruggers store to watch my computer as I was in the bathroom.

Psychology class taught me that you should always designate someone to be in charge of your stuff if you have to leave for a moment. Otherwise, a theif is more likely to succeed in stealing your stuff, even if a slew of people know it doesn't belong to him or her, but you instead. Therefore, I always ask strangers to look out for my stuff if I have to leave. Don't worry, I don't make a habit of this. But when a girls gotta go, a girls gotta go.

So, I write this because in all the hell that is here on earth, there are still heavenly beings willing to lend a helping hand. I chose this lady because I thought she'd be taking more time to eat her sandwich. But while I was gone, she finished, but decided to stick around because she had a responsibility, even though she had every right to renig on that and go on with her evening.

So thank you, helpful lady, for spending few more minutes watching my laptop while I was on the potty. I greatly appreciate you, and hope someone watches out for you as well.

God bless, and be a blessing!

Choice Between Songs

There are times where you have the responsibility to decide between two choices: will I eat now or have a glass of water? Will I watch Law and Order Criminal Intent or Special Victims Unit? Will I go to sleep or write a blog to express my feelings? Hmm...

Some choices are more difficult, or at least more crucial: Will I decide to talk smack about someone or decide to build them up, even though I feel about "this" small in their eyes? Will I choose to resort to old habits and fixes or quickly exit the screen before I send a message I will regret? Will I dwell on resentment or plead to feel forgiveness?

Tonight, I have a choice between two songs: one about love and friendship, the other about bitternes and disappointment. One song was written early in the morning, and the other song was written to end the evening. One song I felt 12 hours ago, and the other I feel right now. But one song will encourage people who read it, and the other song will just make me feel entitled and potentially make others feel bad, and all so I can have a nice pity party because things don't go my way.

That's a pretty selfish, egotistical justification for behavior.

So, against my true feelings, but in honor of that which I wish I felt, I am posting the first song. Mainly, because the first song (in the end) overrides the latter by a landslide. I dedicate it to all my friends who I hope I never have to let go of. And what's nice is that I don't have to try that hard to hold on, either :) Thanks, girls :)

Best of Conversations
by Elise Hindmarsh, July 31 2008

Is it alright if I stop by for a little while?
Is it enough if I just want to see your smile?
Because tonight I don’t want to say a word
Yet I know that when I’m with you I’ll be heard

Can I come by and crash for a little bit
And not feel the need to entertain the one I’m with
But just sit here on the bed and for once be still instead
Of filling every pause because I’m nervous

And I’ve heard that the best friends to have
Give a shoulder to cry on
Even when hurt in the past
Can still be relied on
And even in silence can have
The best of conversations

And I can tell you all my secrets and believe
That you’ll never bring them back around to haunt me
And you can be my sounding board of truth
And not say that I told you so when you say you knew

And I’ve heard that the best friends to have
Give a shoulder to cry on
Even when hurt in the past
Can still be relied on
And even in silence can have
The best of conversations

So thank you for allowing me to be
Exactly who I am, and still believe in me
And for picking things up from where we left off
And for constantly sending your unrelenting,
Beauty making, penetrating love

And I’ve heard that the best friends to have
Give a shoulder to cry on
Even when hurt in the past
Can still be relied on
And even in silence can have
The best of conversations

A Time and a Place

I love the Sunday comics. I don't read the paper much, but I love the comics. Occasionally, I think that the comics hold bits and pieces of profound truth, which says to me that I'm reading something worthwhile, even if its not the political section.

For example, this afternoon I was reading Peanuts. I'm not sure how it is still in circulation as the cartoonist passed away, but I don't loose sleep on it. Anyways, the setting was the typical baseball field, where Charlie pitches and his friends, usually Lucy, are in the outfield.

The first frame shows Lucy ignoring a pop-up, as it falls two inches away from her. Charlie marches over (or so I assume as its hard to see moving action in a frame-by-frame cartoon), and starts chewing her out because she didn't go for the ball. When he demands an answer, Lucy's response is simple: "I was having my quiet time."

Now, in the Christian circle. a quiet time is when we spend time alone with God, separating ourselves from distractions so we can focus solely on talking, meditating, and just "hanging out" with the Lord. I'm sure that Peanuts wasn't using the phrase, "quiet time" in the same way, but it made me think: do we as Christians ignore our responsibilities and justify that by saying, "We were having our quiet time."

More specifically, do we focus so much on our relationship with the Lord and ignore what's going on around us? Do we latch onto the truth that salvation comes from a personal choice to follow Christ, and ignore the equal truth that it should move us to action in our world?

For instance: the two greatest commandments are love God...and then love others. Jesus calls His disciples to Himself...and then calls them to go into the world.

I know I've been feeling like this for a while. I've been more concerned about finding fellowship than thinking that maybe there's some good I can do while I'm waiting. I'm not sure one is better than the other. In fact, I wonder if both are meaningless without the other. And by meaningless, I mean how can we love God and not show that love to others? And how can we love others in a tangible AND eternal ways when we are not in a relationship with the eternal Savior?

We cannot ignore social justice and loving others and justify it saying that we were too busy developing our relationship with the Lord. We also cannot devote our entire lives to social justice, and ignore our relationship with the Lover of the world.

That's what it means to be a Christian. That is how we sum up the law of the Prophets: Love God and love others. Jesus never said we had an option between the two.

A Circus Life - Oakmont

Last night was probably one of the greatest nights of my life. 6 of my friends drove from out of town to put on a benefit concert to raise money for the mission trip I'll be embarking this coming September. Not only that, but 110 people came to the sanctuary to hear the music, to support the mission, and to worship God thru the talents the Lord gave us.

It was also one of the most overwhelming events I've ever experienced...not because it was busy. But because of what it all meant to me afterwards.

I have been so desperate (yes...desperate) for friendship, fellowship, any-ship the past week, that every day I was thinking, "Oh my gosh, my friends are seriously driving into town!" At 5am, Jonathan arrived, and an hour later, the rest (Jeremy, Chris, Aaron, Carrie, Greg) followed suit. I was elated to see them pile out of the car. I'm pretty sure Chris said, "Don't be so cheery." We sat down and ate breakfast, carrying on in delusional conversation, most of which centered around Granny Lisben and sounds coming from the ketchup bottle.

As they were sitting around rehashing road trip stories, all I could do was just soak up every minute of being with them. I couldn't believe that they took 24 hours from their hectic lives(returning from Ghana, a orchestra concert, driving from Kentucky, and others) and come and play music...for free. For friendship. For their artistic selves. For God. For me. I'm sitting on my back porch right, really sad that only 18 hours before they filled these (once again) empty chairs. As I told my mom, I don't miss Bloomington. But man, I miss them so much.

We got to the church, and our worship leader Chad helped set everything up. My parents and sister and kids were running around, picking up doughnuts, setting up merchandise, distributing pledge cards, and finding the "perfect" spot for balloons. For a moment, I felt like the Carter Family band. All of my family was involved, and for nothing in return. I wasn't paying them. I wasn't begging them. I told them they didn't have to do it. But they did. For family. For God. For me. I have never been so appreciative of my family, so cognizant of how blessed I am to have their love and support. Again, overwhelmed.

The shows started at 7:40. We wanted to make sure the stragglers didn't miss the first song :) We came out on stage, and people started clapping. We hadn't even begun playing. I guess they were clapping because of what we were about to play. I dunno.

As I sang the first song, I started noticing faces: Mr and Mrs. Ostrowski, Barb, the Anstis family, Michael and Cindy. When we started "Circus Life" I had to fight back tears. These people, 110 in all, came to hear us. I know this sounds stupid, but it's different playing for peers than adults. I mean, friends support eachother, but adults have lives! They could have done anything that night. They didn't know the band, but they came to hear us. They didn't even have to pay to come. But they did. For music. For God. For worship. For me. Again...overwhelmed.

The concert ended at 10pm. Some of us went swimming, but most went to sleep because of their early drive. Chris and I had a great conversation by the pool. I've always loved him, purely as a brother from another mother. I hope he has some understanding of how much his friendship meant and still means to me, even when we don't talk for extended periods of time. I talked to a girl I used to "mentor" in high school. She's now married to a pastor, another guy I went to school with. It was "interesting" sitting with her again, just because we've changed so much. Growing up is just interesting in general :)

After everyone was asleep, my mom and sat and tallied the support. When we came to the final total, I just burst out crying. Yes...I, Elise Hindmarsh, allowed myself to cry. I couldn't hold it in anymore. The amount of support (both financially and in love) overwhelmed me. My friends drove from three different states to play with me again. My family worked really hard in prep stuff so I could focus on the music aspects. And people actually came to a concert. People paid to hear our music, in donations. People bought the CDs. People wanted us to go on tour, haha. People said they'd pray for me. And no one was forced. No one was guilted. No one was paid. And all of that, combined, made me feel something I haven't felt in a while...

I felt worth it. I felt worth someone's time. I felt worth someone's friendship. I felt my music was worth something to someone. People didn't just come, they worshipped. They didn't just say good job; they looked me in the eye and said they were blessed. My friends didn't just drive in, play and drive out. They laughed with me, talked with me, told me they enjoyed the concert, even when the "agenda" was over. I'm not sure if they know how much those interactions, above the music, meant to me. Especially when I felt I could offer so little in return.

Friday meant a lot more than music. Friday was one of the greatest forms of human love I have ever encountered. I hope that I have been able to express that adequately.

Thanks.

Lonely Nights

The transition back to Oakmont has gone fairly well. But, as to be expected, there have been a few drawbacks.

One, I don't have 3 wonderful roommates that keep me entertained (or should I say, I keep entertained). Basically, I've found myself glued to my computer awaiting a friend to pop onto Skype, Facebook, or send me an email. It's a longing for connection. And probably Connexion as well.

Two, I'm starting to deal with my insomnia again. I can't fall asleep until about 1-2am, and I wake up repeatedly thru the night. That's always annoying, because then I don't actually get out of bed until noon, and I'm exhausted.

Three, I'm having anxiety dreams. Two nights ago, I dreamt that I was on my DTS, but it was set like the Real World, and all the girls hated me, got drunk, and then one made out with my dad. Then I grabbed her by the throat and slammed her against the wall, only to realize that this was all on camera (it was the Real World-DTS I guess), and that I was being a bad witness. Then, last night, I had a dream that I was hallucinating visions of our family friend who just recently passed away. I dreamt that I was having conversations with him, while I knew in the dream he was dead.

Fourth, I'm having trouble praying. I'm so busy "doing" that I don't stop and pray for direction. I suppose this is because I feel I already have my direction. But how often should a Christian pray for direction? When do we know that our wisdom and understanding is from Jesus and not our own? If I feel distant from the Lord, is that just because I'm used to being continuously surrounded by Christians, or that I really am distant from God? If it's only because I'm not in my Christian group now, does that mean that I rely on them too much for my relationship with God?

Ugh, so many questions. Maybe I should just lay in bed and just be still...and wait...and hope to either hear God speak or fall asleep. Does that sound sad?

Crowded in the Closet

But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen...

I sat with an old friend at Denny's tonight (do I really have old friends at 23?). He caught me up on the current lives of the crowd we used to run with in early high school. Maybe it was gossip, I dunno. But story after story revealed how far we've all fallen. Ugh, that's a horrible way to say it. The stories I heard showed me how messed up our lives have the potential of becoming. And it's not isolated to certain "stereotypes" we saw in high school.

These are my friends from when we were supposed to be innocent, when the world was at our fingertips, and we all had huge dreams of fantastic things that probably would never be accomplished, and yet should have been enough to have us going someplace. Aim for the moon and if you miss, you'll hit the stars, right? No one suggests that you might fall down with them...

Was the conversation sad? Yes. Were the stories upsetting? But it made me hopeful to see that both of us, who have our fair share of demons to fight, are fighting. That some of us have made it through hell, and are trying in grace to stay out of it. And that either hearing or being a part of those stories, we still love the people in them. Not pity. I love them because I was them 8 years ago, and I am them now. We are no different, except for what we choose to settle for.

So it only seems appropriate that I share with all of you my most recent song. Jesus said that when we pray, we are to go in our rooms, or as some say, prayer closets. I have a lot of praying to do. I have to pray for myself, for my friends, for this screwed up world which honestly sucks sometimes. And guess what? We're not alone, whether we're the one praying or being prayed for. There are plenty of other people who are in the same boat...or closet. Pick whatever illustration you want.

Oh and I say this with as much pleading as a person can on a blog: do not be the friend who 8 years from now, your friends ask, "What happened....?" Fight it. Fight the complacency, the abuse, the crap that all the after school specials talked about. It's not worth it, and you are worth more. It will catch up with you, as it caught up with all of us. Shoot for the moon, and for Christ's sake (literally), get there. Just get there.

Crowded in the Closet
close the door, it's time to hide
come and seek and you will find
you're not the only one inside
it's awfully crowded
it's awfully crowded in the
it's awfully crowded in the closet

saints and sinners, lovers, whores
broken, prostrate on the floor
dust and ashes, garmets torn
it's awfully crowded
it's awfully crowded in the
it's awfully crowded in the closet

found yourself too far from home
wandering for a place to go
feeling lost, betrayed, alone
oh, we're not alone
it's awfully crowded
it's awfully crowded in the
it's awfully crowded in the closet

Rainbows in the Storm

I drove back to Pittsburgh from IU this afternoon. As the afternoon progressed, the rainy weather did as well. The clouds in front of me, originally the "mashed potato clouds" I love so much, turned a bit more "impending doom clouds" than I don't like so much.

The sky turned darker, the the rain starting picking up. I looked in the rearview mirror to see that the sky behind me was a pretty pale blue, and the sun was starting to set as well. But the view in front of me was turning a grey-pink/orange/red mixture. I'm not sure I've ever seen it before in my life.

Yet as the "impending doom clouds" kept approaching, I saw a rainbow forming. What was really cool was that as I drove toward it, it got even bigger. What was even sweeter was that I realized that the rainbow arched COMPLETELY over my car, making a complete 1/2 circle on the horizon. And so this huge rainbow kept getting bigger, just as the storm threat fron the storm grew bigger. Seriously, it seemed like EVERYTHING was getting more intense: the shades of the colors, the clouds, the rain, the rainbow...

I couldn't help but sense the application of this scene to life. According to the Bible, the rainbow was God's visual promise that he would not flood the earth again, destroying all life. I can't imagine Noah's relief upon seeing the rainbow when it rained after the flood, considering the first time it rained, all life was wiped out minus his personal SS Minnow.

So what about those times in our lives, when we see the impending doom clouds and the threat of storms...do we see God's faithfulness, or only see the circumstances? Do we look for the rainbow, or focus on the darkening sky? Do we realize that God's faithfulness extends ACROSS the horizon, and cannot be fully hidden from us by any clouds, trials, demons, life, or death?

I don't, but I pray that God would show me how.

Spirit of Knowledge

I am totally open to any correction in my logic for this blog. But regardless if I'm wrong or right, it was pretty awesome :)

We were in Bible Study, talking about angels. Interesting topic. Now, anyone who has been in a Bible study with me knows that I'm a talker. I'm always willing to dive in, ask the odd questions, apply with examples, etc. Well, at this particular moment we were reading the story of when Satan intices David to take a census of the town. I've read the story several times, and usually asked the same question: "God, why was this such a big deal?"

I had a feeling that this question might be posed. Immediately I could feel myself want to answer this hypothetically asked question. But then, I came to the Lord. "God, I confess that I am not a biblical scholar, nor do I have any understanding of the purpose of Old Testament censuses, nor do I know why it was bad to take one aside from the fact that you said no. So, in light of this, I'm going to sit this question out. But could you make it a bit clearer?"

So I started reading the passage, and as I read, new implications of the text started to fill my mind. The logic began to flow like a staircase: each step led to another, higher step. I saw that in taking a census, David was (in a sense) calculating all he had, his manpower, and that this knowledge could cause him to rely on this census, not on the Lord's provision. It could cause a person to say, "Oh no, I need more people" or "I am a weak kingdom" or "I am the most fantabulous ruler in the world!!!"

So as these ideas arranged themselvs in my mind, I still maintained a humble silence, because these ideas were (of course) my own, not from a seminary. How could I offer such "insight" as "wisdom" when I didn't even study this?

But then David, another member of our study, who has GONE to seminary, started answering this question, and his words were the thoughts in my head! I mean, literally! He said exactly what I was thinking!!

This incident reminded me that knowledge and wisdom is from the Lord. It also confirmed that I do believe that one of my gifts of the Spirit is knowledge, which is different from wisdom. The gift may not have fully matured, but I do believe that what happened this evening was from God. Not subconcious knowledge, not context clues, because I have never heard this talked about AND I had read this several times before.

No, this knowledge of OT census consequences was from God. Praise be to Him!

Dear God...

Dear God,
There are about 3 more whole days left in Bloomington. I am so ready to go home.

I've started packing, and I look at all my belongings and think, "Why do I need these? Do I really use them?" I have tons of books that I've never read, but for some reason convince myself to keep them because I'll for sure read them. I have clothes that I rarely wear, but convince myself that someday I'll either fit in them or remember that they do go with those ONE pair of pants I have. I look at my papers, and wonder, do I even read these? Are they useful? Will I even remember that I have them?

In my preparation for New Zealand, You have reminded me of how much you have provided. How much I am blessed beyond the comprehension of those I may be minsitering to in 5 months. It's almost shameful. I wish that I could carry all of these clothes over to them, but then, what do Fijians need with long sleeve shirts and IU sweatshirts? There has got to be better use for them than Goodwill.

Father, you are showing me humility. Pressing it upon my heart like a weight, and yet I have yet to fall to my knees because of it. I guess falling to my laptop to write this prayer to you is a start. A fellow missionary asked for humility to learn from all of us, as she was the youngest. How ironic...I have been praying for humility so I can learn from those younger than me. I still struggle with age = maturity/wisdom. You've shown me over the years that the equation is certainly not true.

Through Facebook so many of us have gotten in touch already. I ask that You would bind my heart to desire only to know and pray for these people, not to make assumptions of their character and imagine who they will be when we meet. I also ask for strong community, by the power of your Holy Spirit, not by the niceities of being proper and polite. We can all see from the Real World that it never lasts anyways.

What does it mean to be in tune with Your will? What does it mean to follow the Holy Spirit? How do I recognize His promptings? Is it the voice in my head or the stirring of my heart, both of which can be labelled either hallucinations or emotional distraction. I saw a lady in Chicago who appeared to be carrying on conversations with real people, only I couldn't see them. From the psychiatric perspective one would immediately say, "Auditory and visual hallucinations." But how different am I than her, at least to the beholder? Writing this blog and saying words to a being that I cannot see, let alone anyone else.

Sometimes I'd really like to be in Moses' sandals. To see just a glimpse of your glory. Just a strand of Your robe. Just a flicker of the light that radiates from You. Just a note of your voice. Are you a soprano, or a bass? Your voice thunders, so probably a bass, huh? Do you sing? Can you beatbox? Haha, I bet you're awesome.

My friend told me today that she doesn't understand why I didn't run from her and her friendship. Lord, I'm not sure why you run to me, a prodigal daughter, wasting her pearls on swine, and yet whining and screaming out your name to come to my rescue.

George Carlin died yesterday. I saw his interview on the Actors Studio. They showed a clip about his rant on religion, where He says that religion convinced us that there's an invisible man in the sky, and among other things, needs our money. God, I know that you don't need money. You asked who could repay you? I think you told Job that you didn't need the blood of lambs or cattle offerings, because all the cattle of the hills are yours. But in raising support, it is obvious that your work on earth requires money, or at least a lot of it does. Money makes the world go around, and to travel to the unreached cities, one must fly or boat, which requires money. But it can't be You who needs it, as it is You who causes our hearts to give it to others who will use it for Your purposes. If you needed money, we'd put it in the offering plates and leave it in a backroom, never touching it. I guess I just feel sad that George Carlin felt betrayed by you, because I think that means we betrayed him somehow. Somehow we failed to show him, and others, who you really are.

I've hidden your word in my heart, but I pray that I do not keep it there only.

Love you.

Nothing Comes Out Right

I leave Bloomington in 10 days. I wouldn't say I'm thrilled, but I'm ready to move on. Not from the people...I wish I could take most of them with me. But I suppose hellos and goodbyes are a natural part of growing up. But it's interesting to me how hard it has been to say both of these to this same group of people.

It was hard to say, "hello...I'm welcoming you into my messed up world, full of baggage, clutter, and explosions. I'm going to take the chance that you'll either slam the door in my face or run away screaming. I'm going to risk exposing parts of me that no one has ever seen, and those few who have rejected. Hello, I'm Elise."

And now it's hard to say, "goodbye...it was absolutely wonderful having you as a friend. So wonderful that I wish I would have said hello earlier. Thanks for walking with me, talking with me, putting up with me, carrying me when I couldn't walk, and listening when all I could do what talk. Thanks for loving me for who I was, and loving me more by not letting me stay that way. I'll never forget you, even when I'm old and might forget your name."

And I know that this coming year will be full of hellos: hello New Zealand, hello new country, hello Jesus, hello fellow missionaries, hello Pittsburgh friends, hello family, hello graduate schools, hello 14 hour plane ride...but all I can think about are the goodbyes. I guess my optimism does have an end somewhere.

So yeah..if I haven't told you all how much you mean to me, I'm trying. It's just really hard. Maybe I'll write all of you cards or something. Until then, here's a song. It kind of sums it up, minus here or there.

i don't know how to say goodbye

the leaves must turn, the wind must blow
the heart must learn when its time for the heart to let go
but when i think of you, my heart knows why
i don't know how to say goodbye

the world moves on with no regret
and though you're gone, there are feelings i'll never forget
so i'll remember you, and though i try
i don't know how to say goodbye

the house we used to share still looks as if you're there
and i won't change a single thing
not even the wedding ring i wear

the evenings fall much harder now
the stars grow small and the moon seems to different somehow
but everytime i think of you, the moon and i
no, you're the only reason why
i don't know how to say goodbye