Dear God...

Dear God,
There are about 3 more whole days left in Bloomington. I am so ready to go home.

I've started packing, and I look at all my belongings and think, "Why do I need these? Do I really use them?" I have tons of books that I've never read, but for some reason convince myself to keep them because I'll for sure read them. I have clothes that I rarely wear, but convince myself that someday I'll either fit in them or remember that they do go with those ONE pair of pants I have. I look at my papers, and wonder, do I even read these? Are they useful? Will I even remember that I have them?

In my preparation for New Zealand, You have reminded me of how much you have provided. How much I am blessed beyond the comprehension of those I may be minsitering to in 5 months. It's almost shameful. I wish that I could carry all of these clothes over to them, but then, what do Fijians need with long sleeve shirts and IU sweatshirts? There has got to be better use for them than Goodwill.

Father, you are showing me humility. Pressing it upon my heart like a weight, and yet I have yet to fall to my knees because of it. I guess falling to my laptop to write this prayer to you is a start. A fellow missionary asked for humility to learn from all of us, as she was the youngest. How ironic...I have been praying for humility so I can learn from those younger than me. I still struggle with age = maturity/wisdom. You've shown me over the years that the equation is certainly not true.

Through Facebook so many of us have gotten in touch already. I ask that You would bind my heart to desire only to know and pray for these people, not to make assumptions of their character and imagine who they will be when we meet. I also ask for strong community, by the power of your Holy Spirit, not by the niceities of being proper and polite. We can all see from the Real World that it never lasts anyways.

What does it mean to be in tune with Your will? What does it mean to follow the Holy Spirit? How do I recognize His promptings? Is it the voice in my head or the stirring of my heart, both of which can be labelled either hallucinations or emotional distraction. I saw a lady in Chicago who appeared to be carrying on conversations with real people, only I couldn't see them. From the psychiatric perspective one would immediately say, "Auditory and visual hallucinations." But how different am I than her, at least to the beholder? Writing this blog and saying words to a being that I cannot see, let alone anyone else.

Sometimes I'd really like to be in Moses' sandals. To see just a glimpse of your glory. Just a strand of Your robe. Just a flicker of the light that radiates from You. Just a note of your voice. Are you a soprano, or a bass? Your voice thunders, so probably a bass, huh? Do you sing? Can you beatbox? Haha, I bet you're awesome.

My friend told me today that she doesn't understand why I didn't run from her and her friendship. Lord, I'm not sure why you run to me, a prodigal daughter, wasting her pearls on swine, and yet whining and screaming out your name to come to my rescue.

George Carlin died yesterday. I saw his interview on the Actors Studio. They showed a clip about his rant on religion, where He says that religion convinced us that there's an invisible man in the sky, and among other things, needs our money. God, I know that you don't need money. You asked who could repay you? I think you told Job that you didn't need the blood of lambs or cattle offerings, because all the cattle of the hills are yours. But in raising support, it is obvious that your work on earth requires money, or at least a lot of it does. Money makes the world go around, and to travel to the unreached cities, one must fly or boat, which requires money. But it can't be You who needs it, as it is You who causes our hearts to give it to others who will use it for Your purposes. If you needed money, we'd put it in the offering plates and leave it in a backroom, never touching it. I guess I just feel sad that George Carlin felt betrayed by you, because I think that means we betrayed him somehow. Somehow we failed to show him, and others, who you really are.

I've hidden your word in my heart, but I pray that I do not keep it there only.

Love you.