deliver us from evil

Sometimes I dream that people I love die. Now, this is very disturbing for me (aside from the obvious reasons) but also because I have had dreams that have come true...and not in the Cinderella way. I have had dreams that have had spiritual, metaphorical, prophetic significance. And then I have dreams that are because I watched an odd movie.

And then I dream my fears. I dream in anxiety.

Two days this week I have had dreams that Chris is about to die. The first time he was going to be incinerated by a demon who was also hacking our bank account through overseas computer nerds (I know...very believable). Last night I dreamed that a flood and earthquake occurred in Fox Chapel, propelling our car into the air and sending us underwater as the overpass landed on top of us, keeping us from each other...and escaping to the surface. Both of these dreams awake me in a panic, to which I wake Chris up, and he tells me that I can tell him about the nightmare after I finish making the drinks for the last customers (apparently he's dreaming about Starbucks).

Today I found myself at work with a panic/anxiety that something was going to happen to Chris. Then it dawned on me: welcome Fowkes generational "anxiety disorder." Mental illness on the side of bipolar and anxiety runs in my mom's side of the family, and we're not ashamed to admit that. Sometimes naming a diagnosis provides a sense of relief.

"Worry, doubt, fear and despair are the enemies which slowly bring us down to the ground and turn us to dust before we die." ~Attributed to Douglas MacArthur

I refuse to succumb to a history of anxiety. This will not be a part of my life. I will not complacently sit by and allow the anxiety to take over my mind, to rule my thoughts. I will fight. I will pray. And I will remind myself that the Lord takes care of those who love him, that He is stronger than any generational curse, and that whatever comes, He is victorious.

NOTE: I am not making a grandiose statement stating "You can be healed if you have enough faith" and therefore implying if you haven't, you lack faith. I am also not implying that medication is a ruse. I know men and women of great faith who continue to struggle with disorders/diagnosis, and members of my own family who are able to function better because of medication.

I am saying that for me, my personal struggles and battles with mental illness, it was prayer and faith that saved me. And that helps when you continuously forget to take your Celexa. But that is my story. May it encourage to increase your faith, but not necessarily deter you from your path of healing.