I finally see I'm worth it

For the first time in a long, long time, I finally see myself as beautiful.

I don't mean for that to be an egotistical statement. Quite the contrary, it is one of the most humbling statements I have made for a while. For the past year or so, I have struggled with my self image, comparing myself to other women, coveting their looks, their grace, their figure, their hair (nah, I always liked my hair), but their attitude, the list could go on and on. But tonight, after two amazing sermons, a couple hours of photo shoots, and one powerful merciful Savior, I can say: I am beautiful.

I could also look at the woman I have envied for 6 months and see that I am beautiful just like her. And again, not in an jealous, envious, "I have bigger eyes that yours" way. But in an appreciative, we are unique, and God made us both beautifully and wonderfully. I cannot express how freeing that moment was.

But sidetracking from physical beauty, this feeling of self-worth all started with the acceptance that who I was on the inside was beautiful, too. Most people who know me wouldn't deny that I am loud, full of outbursts, and occasionally abrasive. I am easily excited, and my body and vocal chords don't hide it. This nature of mine, although I knew couldn't be squashed, seemed to be the polar opposite of a "quiet, gentle spirit." And isn't that what Christian woman are supposed to have?

So am I not a Christian? Am I not behaving like a woman?

It took my current boyfriend, Michael, to show me that in my random outbursts, I could still be attractive. And not just attractive, but appreciated. And not just appreciated, but enjoyed. There are plenty of attractive women who are not enjoyed by others. But to finally find someone who said, "I enjoy your loud mouth" and who encouraged me to not hinder my emotions...oh my gosh, what a huge shadow of things to come, and by that, I mean the unyielding love of Jesus Christ.

I've always been self-conscious of my chest size. It took my friend Marc, who does not believe in Christ, to remind of me God's love for me: "You say you're a Christian. If you believe in God, then you believe that God made you who you are for a reason. So you should shut up and love yourself and your boobs, too." It was something like that.

In another example, I was (again) my own prophet. I was teaching the middle school Sunday School class about spiritual gifts, and said, "Why, if we believe that the Creator of the Universe didn't make a mistake in creating the earth, do we believe that He made a mistake when He created us?"

Scripture says that the Lord created the earth, the sky, light, trees, and people, and said: "It was good." Scripture also says that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. Scripture ALSO says that we have been saved by grace, NOT OF OURSELVES, and that the Lord has chosen us to work in His Kingdom until His return. Then WHY do we assume He made a mistake when we observe the personalities and physical attributes He has blessed us with?

My producer, Brandon Pfieffer, and I were talking about my voice quality on the CD. I confessed that I didn't like my voice because I could always find someone better. His response was that he could really grow to appreciate his voice by hearing the certain nuances that only he had, and he could love others' voices because of their nuances as well. It was in the imperfections that he found something worthwhile.

I pray for each and every one of God's children that we would see that we are beautiful. And that we would realize that we are worthwhile, in spite of or BECAUSE of our imperfections. And all of this is because of Jesus Christ, who loved us first, enough to die for us. If He had to die for me so that I would be worth something to God, who can I profane His death and say I'm not?

The I AM says I am.

When swept over by the love of Christ
I see myself as He sees me
Wretched, sinful, and depraved
Beautiful, loved, and finally free