Thursday, July 08, 2010

paused.




Picture this: You're looking on Facebook and you come across the page of a past fling, interest, boyfriend (girlfriend for you male readers out there). You haven't thought about this person for a while, and you frankly have no residual feelings. And then you learn: he's married. And a feeling comes over you. it isn't anger. isn't bitterness. isn't let down. isn't even joyful. isn't happy. it just...is. it's as if time and breath have stopped (not dramatically, just stopped) and you think, "huh. wow. that just happened." and then, within 3-5 seconds, everything picks up and you continue with your day.

A friend and I were trying to think of a word for this a month or so ago. And then, in a conversation today, the word organically appeared.

"How have you been, Elise?"
"Paused."

paused. it's an almost nameless, emotionless sensation with a lot of weight. and it's how I feel now.

2 weeks ago, I felt chapter 22 in "The Biography of Elise Hindmarsh" close. I am now staring at the first page of Chapter 23. And I feel nothing. No excited expectation. No dread of disappointment. Honestly, I feel very little emotion at all except the anxiety that I feel very little emotion. I'm not one to usually have small emotions.

i feel paused. air has stopped. time has stopped. relationships, growth, learning, contribution has stopped. the earth's rotation must have stopped. everything feels suspended. like the scene in The Truman Show where all the actors are in place but no one is moving, awaiting the director's cue.

i'm waiting for him to say action, too.

1 comment:

b7 said...

Well said.