E=mc2 (Elise is Morbidly Controlling 2x over)

“Whenever there is a sort of free radical coming into an equation,

it kind of bounces off everything in the equation.” - Danny Pino

I think I should start a new blog entitled, "Therapy with John." If not a blog, I think it would be a great musical, maybe a one act. You have your protagonist, let's call her Elise, and the musical chronicles her journey thru her sessions with her therapist (obviously, his name is John). The opening number is her first session, where she explains why she has come although she's not sure it will do any good. But the musical also chronicles her moments of eureka, talking to her mom (mom's are always involved in therapy), her attempts to implement what she is learning with her boyfriend, ect. The musical ends with her final therapy session, wondering if all of her quirks and eccentricities have been cured, or at least to a point where she has accepted herself for having them.

I think it would be a smash hit.

I'm sure most of you have realized by now that this musical is autobiographical. When I told my friend I was going into therapy, she said, "I did that too. It's really great to do it sometimes." And she's right. Talking to someone who went to school for asking questions is great. And they're trained to listen, which is really good for a girl like me who is a master at talking.

I've been recently tackling the issue of control and insecurity. Ever since I can remember I've felt confident about myself. I knew who I was, I knew what I wanted, had a clear idea of what I could and could not do (which includd compromise), and just felt sure about everything. I mean, I didn't know exactly what was happening in the future, but for the most part, I had a pretty good grasp on the directions of things in the "here and now". The only time I didn't feel that was in 5th grade, when the popular clique dubbed me their target of rampage. But even then I knew they weren't right. But I wasn't sure if who I was was right either.

My confidence and parental support allowed me to pursue whatever I wanted. And there was a sort of "mathmatical equation" to things: you study hard = good grade. You practice hard = leading role in a musical. Even when I studied hard and didn't get a good grade, I could usually identify where I went wrong (key word, wrong), study that harder, and nail the second test. In short, when I did the right thing, the right outcome occured. When I did the wrong thing, I was punished.

But is there right in wrong in all things? Do all good steps of action lead to good results? Do all bad steps produce bad results? For example, take the ever elusive "love." Do you have to feel a certain way, do certain things, think certain thoughts, and pray certain prayers in order to arrive at the oh-so-coveted award of *MARRIAGE*??? ( I imagine a choir singing "ahhhh" at that word) Or is there such an equation to life, career, children, ministry, or simply (haha, simply) figuring out God's plan? If 2+2 always equals 4, does Person A = Job A = Ministry A = God's Plan A? And if you make a mistake, does God's Plan B come into action, with Person B, Job B, Minsitry B, blah blah blah.

Is life always so calculated, especially in a life of grace?

John (my therapist if you forgot) and I discussed my deep fear of making wrong decisions that would thus result in missing or losing God's blessing. He then asked when in my life I had received blessings based on grace. Basically, when did something "not add up" and the result was still good? I took me 3 LONG minutes to finally think of two examples (aside from salvation, which I still struggle with sometimes). I could only think of TWO. And even now, 23 hours later, I can only think of TWO.

This was interesting to me. I haven't really experienced grace, at least in a tangible way. Everything has just added up. The results have always made sense. And this has given me two awful expectations:

1. The right steps MUST produce the right results, no exceptions.

2. Make a mistake and you'll get the wrong or second-best result.

I know that God and His plan is bigger than an equation. But I have yet to really experience grace in a profounding way. Or at least in a way that characterizes my life more than Calculus. Whether the Lord jogs my memory or brings these events into my life is His call.