Here in the Valley

here in the valley i look to the sky
to the mountain my broken wings
search for the strength to outstretch and fly
for now my hand is stretched with a sigh

here in the valley i look to the ground
to the space where i landed when i fell
i never saw it coming, you never can tell
for now my feet are bound

here in the valley i look to the wind
to the shapes of things, my white companions
they drifted with me and i rested my head
for now the rocks will make my bed

here in the valley i look to His love
to the faithful promise of light
to the truth that even here He is enough
for now, and forever, He is enough

here in the valley i look to the sky
to the mountains where my broken wings
will fly again in their own time
for now it is His, not mine

Steady and Silent

The two characteristics comprising this blogs title are not those usually associated with me. As opposed to steady, I am a restless creature, spontaneous on the brink of impulsive. A week ago there was nothing on TV so I decided to drive 4 hours to Chicago. In prayer, I have to talk out loud to find some focus and cohesiveness in my thoughts. If I don't, I'll find myself praying for my friend's struggle with sin and then in deep thought about whether matzo ball soup would be as filling as sephardic lasagne. And usually, I don't even notice the switch in thought topic.

Silent...ha! I laugh at the suggestion! I am quick to point out, quick to venting, quick to exclaiming joy! My piercing scream has been shushed at football games. I've caused drummers to lose their drum sticks during a praise song after an outburst of joy. Or at least it seemed that way. My father would tell me at every evening out, "Now remember, Elise. You don't have to be the loudest one in the restaurant."

Honestly, I am deeply discouraged by these statements. Why does it seem impossible for me to be steady, aside from being numb? Why is silence so difficult for me, aside from when I have a sore throat or sleeping? Why are deep thoughts constantly being bombarded by unassociated ideas?

I am striving (and maybe that is my first mistake) to be wise. I often view calm and quiet individuals as wise. I've been reading thru Proverbs, and indeed there appears to be a correlation between wisdom and keeping the tongue in check.

When Joshua and the people of Israel approached Jericho (Joshua 6), Joshua commanted the people, "You shall not shout nor let your voice be heard nor let a word proceed out of your mouth, until the day I tell you, 'Shout!' Then you shall shout!" (vs. 10) If I understand the following events correctly, these people stayed silent for 6 days, and on the 7th day, shouted...and the walls came a tumbling down. SEVEN days of silence. What were they thinking in that time? What was the Lord's purpose behind that commandment? Would I have made it if I were one of them?

Be still and know that I am God. Maybe this is what the purpose of being steady and silent. In rest and in silence, maybe we begin thinking deeper. Maybe we become more aware of what is around us. Maybe we become more aware of Him, the Lord who brought down the walls of Jericho. I have always felt that verse meant, "Calm down and know that I am the Lord and I will take care of what will happen." And I still do believe it is that. But maybe also I will grow in understanding who He is as well.

The Best Christmas Ever

Do you remember the movie Home Alone? Well, aside from the screaming boy in the bathroom, my favorite part of that film is when Kevin visits the church where he meets the old man, and the old man tells him about his estranged son. The old man is afraid to try to make amends with his son, afraid that the son will say no and he'll be rejected. And Kevin says that he shouldn't be afraid, and that probably the son is afraid too. At the end of the movie, the old man's son comes home bringing his family home too. And Kevin's family comes home too, after catching a plane from France.

Sorry if I ruined the movie, but this was the gift the Lord brought to the Fowkes family this Christmas. My cousin Sarah, who hasn't been with our family in about 4 years, came for dinner and presents with her boyfriend. It was really nice to have the completing component of our bad bar joke (the 3 girl cousins, Beth, Sarah, and me, are a red head, blond, and brunette respectively). And then, after my Uncle finished reading the Gospel of Matthew which recounts the birth of Jesus, the true meaning of Christmas, my brother from Colorado called. I was able to put him on speaker phone, and the whole family felt together again.

I didn't get many presents wrapped in brown paper (my mom is on this evironmental "no wrapping paper" thing), but I couldn't have asked for anything more. This was the best Christmas ever.

God bless us...everyone :)

Christmas is No Different

Christmas Is No Different

I learned tonight
that Christmas is no different
Perhaps people act nicer;
perhaps.
And yet a teenager is murdered outside his home
somewhere else
a family is broken
somewhere else
bitterness consumes a heart
somewhere else
a cancer patient fights the disease
somewhere else
an addict does not lose the craving
somewhere else
a toddler is still hungry
everywhere else
desperate prayers are repeated
Christmas day is no different

The world does not stop for Christmas
half the world may not even celebrate today
there is no magical clause that says
today we will live in peace
today there will be no cease fire
today bullets will be replaced with snowballs
the day does not become merry or bright
just because the Christmas is white
and snow, if it chooses to fall,
does not erase the tracks of tears
Christmas day is no different

I walked down the street
lined with the light-filled trees
a 2 year old and his father played by the station
that’s what Christmas is
supposed to be
I believed that good tidings and comfort and joy
were held by everyone
just for the day
if only for the day
we sing joy to the world
so the world must be joyful
who are we asking to rest
if the men are not merry or gentle?
I lit the candles for silent night
but that bullet split the silence the night before
and one candle will nevermore be lit
there was no peace on earth
someone did not believe in good will toward men
Christmas day was no different

then
in the pew
with my father beside me
I realized
that while the day itself holds no magic
holding no guarantee of peace
today, we remember the promise
the promise of the past for the future
what we were singing about
what we were learning about
that Jesus was born
the child of the Promise
the God incarnate
the Wonderful Counselor
the Mighty God
the Everlasting Father
the Prince of Peace
and the government will be on his shoulders
it is Christ who promises peace on earth
the wiping away of tears
good will towards men
comfort and joy
it is the King who promises these things
it is not the day
Christmas day is no different

The day is just a day
it may not have even happened today
but we choose today
to take the time to remember
to rejoice
rejoice
that Emmanuel
God with us
will one day return and ransom us
from the gunshots
from the brokeness
from all the days that will be no different
until He comes

The world may not be put on hold for Christmas
but Christ does hold the world
and one day
there will be a silent night

- in memory of Kevin, shot to death outside his home 12-23-2006

Use Wisely

I was reading the parable in which Jesus talks about a master who gives his servants money and then leaves for a time. 2 of the 3 servants invest the money and acquire double what they were given. The other buries it in the ground. The master returns and commends the 2 servants for being wise, and the last for being lazy and foolish. The basic moral I got out of the parable is use wisely what you've been given, and always give what you've earned back to the one who gave it to you in the first place.

Last night I was inducted into Phi Beta Kappa. It's a funny story how the whole thing unravelled, but that's not necessary right now. During the induction, the president said that as a member of the society, we are expected to achieve great things. After all, we were invited into the society based on what we have achieved, our dedication to excellence. For using our intellect well. And thus we should continue to use it well.

Be fruitful and multiply.

This is said to be the only commandment mankind has not broken. But I think perhaps it can be applied beyond sex and marriage. Be fruitful with what you have been given. Use it for the encouragement of others, to build the body of Christ, to lead others into the family, to pursue the Kingdom of God. How does one do this with intellect?

Take my intellect and use every power as you choose.

Honestly, I have no idea how to use the brain the Lord gave me. I've focused so much on my voice and using my singing for His glory that I forgot about my brain. I've tried so hard to channel my heart and passion for loving others correctly that I lost sight of how to direct my mental focus and passion for learning. I must continue to remember that Christ is the wisdom, righteousness, and sanctification from God. But what do I do with wisdom regarding science? Count it as nothing? I don't believe that is Biblical, as long as the Lord and His glory remain my drive and top priority.

Have we become lazy with what the Lord has entrusted us? Our intellect, our big hearts, our wisdom (different than knowledge), our passion, our talents? Are we seeking how to be fruitful, or are we burying our gifts and heads in the sand because we're afraid we might use them the wrong way?

Step beyond purgatory. Seek how you can use everything that you've been given for His Kingdom.

Cast me Gently

More and more I am discovering that I am a woman of big heart and little faith.

Ever so more I am discovering the Lord is a God of unprecidented patience, unfathomable faithfulness, immeasurable glory, and impenetrable power.

My anthem of the day is by Sarah McLachlan. When I first heard this, I knew it was a common conversation between me and the Lord. Well, let me rephrase it: it is how I wish my conversations were. Him speaking, and me responding. Most of the time it is me venting and Him listening (praise Him for that). Yet why do I feel that my words are more important that His? Where is the humility in that? How does one approach a Deity with informatility and still protect the Sacred? (check out Tremble by Nicole Nordeman)

I'm not sure if Ms. McLachlan meant this song to be read this way, but there is no doubt in my mind it is how the Lord wants me to be with Him: humble, waiting, confident, and assurred of Him and His promises.


I can hear him whisper, "Let me speak...I have so much to say."

Answer ~ Sarah McLachlan

Him:
I will be the answer
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can’t look down

Me: If it takes my whole life
Him: (I won’t break, I won’t bend)
Me: It will all be worth it
Him: (Worth it in the end)
Me: Cause I can only tell You what I know
That I need You in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You’ll still be burning so bright

Me:
Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

If it takes my whole life
(I won’t break, I won’t bend)
It will all be worth it
(Worth it in the end)
‘Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You’ll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind

What I am thinking...

"Peter, an apostle of Jesus Christ, to those who reside as aliens, scattered throughout Pontus, Galatia, Capperdocia, Asia, and Blithynia, who are chosen according to the foreknowledge of God the Father, by the sanctifying work of the Spirit, to obey Jesus Christ and be sprinkled with His blood: may grace and peace be yours in the fullest measure. Blessed be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His great mercy has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to obtain an inheritance that is imperishable and undefiled and will not fade away, reserved for us in heaven, who are protected by the power of God through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed at the last time." ~ 1 Peter 1:1-5

"For thus the Lord God, the Holy One of Isreal, has said, 'In repentence and rest you will be saved, in quietness and trust is your strength." ~ Isaiah 30:15

"Maybe knowledge is the downfall." ~ Matt Angel

"Life really isn't as complicated as I make it. It's never easy, but not really all that complicated. If there is any complication, it must lie within myself, because I can't even make this sentence simple." ~ Me


Be still...and know I am God. ~ Adonai

Red Sky at Morning

Ever heard the phrase, "Red sky at night, sailors' delight; red sky at morning, sailors take warning?" Well, Jesus apparently knew it back 2000+ years ago (see Matthew 16:3). It's 9:20am, and I think I see a red sky. Okay, metaphorically speaking. So I should take warning. A storm might be coming. But I shouldn't be anxious or worried.

Right.

Anxiety and worry are two issues Jesus addresses in Matthew 6. My pastor suggests that anxiety and worry are founded in a lack of faith, and to lack faith in Jesus is sin. That was harsh when I heard that, especially as I have a lot of puzzel pieces missing regarding my life. Or at least they're invisible to me right now.

But I have been mulling over the idea of storms and faith, and the following verses have helped me find rest in Jesus amid the storm. So here they are. Be encouraged, and remember: The Lord is like Allstate: You're in good hands :)

THE STORM
Then he [Jesus] got into the boat and his disciples followed him. Without warning, a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. (Matthew 8:23-4)

THE REACTION
The disciples went and woke him, saying, "Lord, save us! We're going to drown!" (Matt. 8:25)

JESUS' ACTIONS
And He got up and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, "Hush, be still." And the wind died down and it became perfectly calm. (Mark 4:39)

JESUS' PROMISE
"Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts on them, may be compared to a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and yet it did not fall, for it had been founded on the rock. Everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not act on them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. The rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and it fell--and great was its fall." (Matthew 7:24-27)

JESUS' QUESTION FOR US
He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" (Mark 4:40)

If Today is called Today

"But encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called "Today," so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. " ~ Hebrews 3:13

The following is a conversation I had with my friend Halle, whom I met 3 years ago as counselors at Interlochen Arts Camp. God, I am so thankful for her.

Spiffy H T: sorry I'm a bum and I JUST got your message...well, maybe not a bum, but I thought I lost my phone, didn't really look for it, and then just found it in my bag
Spiffy H T: did you need to talk, though?
skitzodiva121: i'm okay now...i mean i'd love to talk :-)
skitzodiva121: but not now...i still have 30 pages to read and a response to get in, and i gotta work at....6am tomorrow
Spiffy H T: ew....wow...well, good luck with that...I'll pray for you and I'd love to talk soon and hear what's up Spiffy H T: sorry I wasn't here for ya today like you were for me the other night
Spiffy H T: and thanks again for that
Spiffy H T: things have gotten better in general
Spiffy H T: mwa
skitzodiva121: good :-)
skitzodiva121: specifically, if you could pray that the Lord would give me a humble and accurate perception of my growth when it comes to female relationships
skitzodiva121: i've felt very defeated due to an email i recieved today
Spiffy H T: ok, I will pray and you can elaborate if you choose when you don't have so much work and an early wake-up time!
skitzodiva121: well i can now
Spiffy H T: and w/o knowing anything about the situation really, I'd just like to say that you're doing pretty well in THIS female relationship
skitzodiva121: screw homework
skitzodiva121: :-)
Spiffy H T: you sure?
skitzodiva121: yeah i need a break
Spiffy H T: ok
skitzodiva121: i sent my friend an email asking if he was okay because he didn't seem like himself, but he was fine (good)...in his response he asked if i had female friends that i could talk deep spiritual things with because he got a vibe that i held onto male friends more easily than female
skitzodiva121: i know that this has been like a theme in my life, and osmething that i have beent rying to break, but the fact that he picked up on it made me think i'm not doing enough
Spiffy H T: well, what do you feel like you've been "doing" to change it?
Spiffy H T: (that you're not doing "enough"?)
Spiffy H T: (if that's true)
skitzodiva121: like...i don't have big girls group over, and i really don't feel like having big groups of girls over because it just feels so superficial
skitzodiva121: i feel like me inviting girls over is ingenuine, because i really don't want to do it, but then i feel like i have to because it's the "christian female" thing to do
Spiffy H T: what about a few or one other girl? does that still feel superficial
skitzodiva121: i look around at my other girl friends, and they have REALLY close girl friends that they do everything with, and then there's me, and all my close girlfriends are far away (like you, my friend sarah in PA, and malia whom i never see anymore)
skitzodiva121: i just feel like it's not enough to people, like i'm lacking
skitzodiva121: i don't know if i have an accurate perspective, or if the one i have now is just a way to avoid stepping deep into girl-ness
skitzodiva121: i mean, i feel so comfortable coming to you with questions and talking about God's lessons, but i wonder if that would c hange if you were closer
Spiffy H T: hm, that's an interesting question
skitzodiva121: it seems like i'm just used to having distant females as best friends, so that's what i do
Spiffy H T: what do you think about the question I posed above about having a few or one friend over?
skitzodiva121: i have done that
skitzodiva121: i'm not opposed to that
Spiffy H T: and are those times ever "deep" times?
skitzodiva121: i don't know if his words were a reminder from God to keep growing in this area or a criticism that i'm not growing enough
skitzodiva121: they could be deeper
skitzodiva121: they never seem to reach the theological discussions that i thrive on with guys or that you and i used to have
Spiffy H T: well, even if he meant them as a criticism, I feel like your response can only be to grow more...b/c responding to criticism by just feeling bad about what you're not won't help you any
skitzodiva121: yeah
Spiffy H T: but I know what you mean about wanting to know his motivation
Spiffy H T: esp. if he's someone whose opinions you value
skitzodiva121: i do
skitzodiva121: he said that it was out of love, and he's been very encouraging to me
Spiffy H T: relationships are hard b/c on one hand, yes, we can work to cultivate them....but on the other, they just tend to develop
Spiffy H T: so it's sorta hard to know what you can do to pursue those
skitzodiva121: and i've asked him to encourage me in my pursuit to mature as a woman of Christ
skitzodiva121: (that was because he did something that really shut me down in that pursuit and i had to admonish him on it)
Spiffy H T: one thing I've noticed about Christian guys (the winners) is that they seem to thrive on challenge and like to challenge others...which sometimes women (in general) don't feel as comfortable doing
Spiffy H T: maybe you're the kind of person who really needs that in relationships...and so guys who provide it are more attractive than waiting around to try to find girls who do
skitzodiva121: yeah...that's true
Spiffy H T: but then the whole fact that you're a girl and need other women to share the deeper stuff with (that wouldn't be appropriate in a guy-girl friendship) makes it hard
skitzodiva121: i guess that's why when i do talk to girls with deep stuff, it's all on relationships
skitzodiva121: because i've found guys who will push me on the other stuff
Spiffy H T: makes sense
skitzodiva121: so the girls hear all the boy stuff, and they get annoyed because that's all they hear, but it's because all the other deep stuff is satisifed in my relationships with my brothers
skitzodiva121: maybe is hould join a nunnery for a year...then i'd have no choice
Spiffy H T: haha...not a good plan (-; "These abbey walls were not built to shut out your problems. You have to face them." but I think one way of looking at it that may help is that by seeking out girls who can challenge you in a similar way to the guys will actually challenge those girls to step up and fill that role
Spiffy H T: sorry...that made a lot more sense in my head
skitzodiva121: haha
Spiffy H T: did you follow it at all?
skitzodiva121: i think so
Spiffy H T: (i.e. it'll be good for them, too)
skitzodiva121: haha
Spiffy H T: but I DO think you need it
Spiffy H T: not being around you, I can't really know more than you're telling me
Spiffy H T: I don't see how you interact with the women in your life
skitzodiva121: it's been a lot better than the past...like a lto better
Spiffy H T: but I do think that if all I ever talked about with someone were relationships, I'd get a bit tired, too
skitzodiva121: i'm just so used to guys leading me spiritually and me growing from that that i dont' want to risk the let down that i experienced in the past
Spiffy H T: and wonder if there was more to the person
Spiffy H T: (which there definitely is with you)
Spiffy H T: maybe even if you just start with a relatively safe thing like sharing something cool God has taught you in the Word with another woman and asking her the same question, it might get things rolling
Spiffy H T: I, for one, love hearing your Scriptural comments
Spiffy H T: like the loaves story you shared the other night
Spiffy H T: I never thought of it from the standpoint of God more than satisfying our hunger
Spiffy H T: with something we never thought could satisfy at all
skitzodiva121: hmm
skitzodiva121: hahah
skitzodiva121: you're funny...and God is funny in the way he just used you
Spiffy H T: ??
skitzodiva121: maybe women are my next meal of loaves
skitzodiva121: relationshps with women i mean
Spiffy H T: perhaps...but don't become a vampire on me now
skitzodiva121: LOL
Spiffy H T: (sorry, just read Dracula for my Gothic Lit class)
Spiffy H T: it's funny when your own words to someone else come back to teach you
skitzodiva121: what i mean is, maybe i doubt that relationships with women can be as satisfying as spiritual relationships wiht men, but i just gotta take the risk with one or two and he'll multiply the results
Spiffy H T: I totally agree!
Spiffy H T: give God's meal plan a try
skitzodiva121: hahhaa
skitzodiva121: you know our conversation is going on my blog
Spiffy H T: haha...oh ok
skitzodiva121: people should see what Christian fellowship is all about
skitzodiva121: and plus then i can be reminded to
skitzodiva121: *too
Spiffy H T: now you've got me thinking about what things I think won't satisfy in my life
skitzodiva121: so now is your time to say something really spiritual for the webworld to see
Spiffy H T: no noskitzodiva121: haha, just kidding...blogs are creepy sometimes
skitzodiva121: yeah no doubt
Spiffy H T: although I do like reading your comments
Spiffy H T: blood stains, huh?
skitzodiva121: oh yeah
Spiffy H T: didn't realize that
skitzodiva121: if you ever watch law and order, they always catch the killer due to the florescent light they shine on the room and see the blood stains
skitzodiva121: its freaking awesome
Spiffy H T: blood is also cool in Leviticus 17:11
skitzodiva121: LOL
skitzodiva121: why is it cool?
Spiffy H T: I'm reading Leviticus now...although I'm really only in chapter 4
Spiffy H T: the verse is "For the life of a creature is in the blood, and I have given it to you to make atonement for yourselves on the altar; it is the blood that makes atonement for one's life"...I just found it incredible that way back in the Law, blood was THE thing that brought redemption
Spiffy H T: and another side blood-y note
Spiffy H T: I think it's pretty ironic that in Matt. 27:25, after Pilate washes his hands and says the death of Christ isn't his responsibility
Spiffy H T: the people say "Let his blood be on us and on our children."
skitzodiva121: woah
skitzodiva121: and Jesus was thinking, THAT'S THE POINT
Spiffy H T: they, of course, didn't mean it in the way we think about it, but YEP!
Spiffy H T: hehe Scripture
skitzodiva121: i lvoe how the Lord connects teh Old to the New Testament
Spiffy H T: God's so crafty
skitzodiva121: yeah ;-)
Spiffy H T: (I chuckle to myself)
skitzodiva121: heheh
skitzodiva121: well, babe, i should probably get going
skitzodiva121: those 30 pages and response are a-callin'
Spiffy H T: me too...thanks for continuing to be amazing
skitzodiva121: thanks for talkign tome so late
Spiffy H T: and let me know how loving those women goes
skitzodiva121: i will
Spiffy H T: cuz that's what you'll be doing
Spiffy H T: mwa
skitzodiva121: muah!

Cleansed by a King

Teacher, Lord, what have you done for me
to wash the parts of me that were the most unclean?
Teacher, Lord what else can I do
than bow and worship You?
No one is greater than You.

Tonight at Connexion (Evangelical Community Church's college service), Pastor Bob talked about the paradoxical and unpredictable life of following Christ. The Scripture reference he used was when Jesus washes the feet of the disciples. I could go into the whole sermon, but the Lord was making connections elsewhere in the Bible that just blew me away. He's been doing that a lot lately :) So here's the breakdown:

"It is He who comes after me, the thong of whose sandal I am not worthy to untie." (John 1:27)

"On the next day the large crowd who had come to the feast, when they heard that Jesus was coming to Jerusalem, took the branches of the palm trees and went out to meet Him, and began to shout, "Hosanna! BLESSED IS HE WHO COMES IN THE NAME OF THE LORD, even the King of Israel." (John 12:12-13)

"So when He had washed their feet, and taken His garments and reclined at the table again, He said to them, "Do you know what I have done to you? You call Me Teacher and Lord; and you are right, for so I am. If I then, the Lord and the Teacher, washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet. (John 13:12-14)

So here's the breakdown: The first verse is spoken by John the Baptist, explaining that he is unworthy to untie the sandal of the Messiah. As I understand it, it was the lowest servants job to touch the feet of their Master, to wash all the crap and filth before entering the house (they didn't have Nike or Reebok back then). Then we see the people of Jerusalem creating this huge procession for Jesus, calling Him the King of Israel. Then we see Jesus washing the feet of His disciples.

This is what blew me away: The One whose feet we're unworthy to wash is washing our feet.

Jesus Christ, King of the Jews and Gentiles and whole world, deserving of all glory, honor, and praise, whom deserves all of our hearts, mind, and body, attention and focus, actions and pursuit, is taking on the role of the LOWEST servant, and washing the most unclean part of someone's body in that time. I cannot help but worship this paradox.

The paradox is furthur solidified in the Crucifixion. Jesus Christ is subjected to the most humiliating and mortifiying death. He is killed with theives and murderers, yet the blood from His death gives us victory over death. The blood pouring from His body because of man's sin cleanses us from our filthiest sin, making us without sin in the eyes of the Lord. Or as the Holy Bible says, "Just think how much more the blood of Christ will purify our consciences from sinful deeds so that we can worship the living God. For by the power of the eternal Spirit, Christ offered himself to God as a perfect sacrifice for our sins." (Hebrews 9:14)

Oh and something else I just thought of: Blood stains. It STAINS, and you can't get it out. Even if you bleach it where you can't see it anymore, the stain is still there. So if you have been washed by the blood of Christ, where sin once stained you, the blood of Jesus now stains you. Nothing will take it away. I knew my obsession with Law and Order: SVU would furthur the kingdom eventually.

He washed our feet. He washes our conscience. He washes our hearts.

How can anyone not love this King?

I blame you

The title of this blog is not an accusation. It is a confession.

I confess to all of you that most likely, at some point in my life, I have blamed you for something. Please forgive me. Instead of blaming you, I should have considered my part in the event. Even if I had no control, blaming you does nothing.

Realize this: Blame does nothing. Unless you count hurting people as something.

So, why the confession, Elise? It started with an attempt to be funny with an away message. I started writing about how my eating habits have been mirroring that of a soup kitchen, and that I blamed Kroger for not having more variety of sales to fit my college budget. And then, just before pressing okay, I realize how stupid I was being. I'm MAD that I'm eating soup everyday? I'm MAD that I have the option to eat, to buy, the freedom to choose, and the budget to allow for at least 3 meals a day, even if I don't take the opportunity to do so?

This isn't supposed to be a political blog, but I think American's complain a lot. We're used to having so much that we complain when even the slighest thing is taken away. It's like an only child who suddenly has to share a living space, the rich kid who suddenly has to take out the trash, or any other variety of analogies. Being spoiled will result in you being spoiled. Did that make sense?

I'm reading a book called, "Ruthless Trust" and the chapter I just started talks about gratitude. A life of faith in Christ is a life of gratitude: thankfulness for our conditions, even when our conditions are the most heavenly (which make sense considering we're not in heaven). This is kind of hard for me, because I often see God as holding out on me when I don't get something my way. Honestly, I can be such a spoiled brat. So I've been praying to see the blessings of the Lord. And even after a day, I cannot tell you what has captured my attention. I'll list just a few:

the smell of coffee
the excitement of seeing Irish breakfast teat
24 hour supermarkets
the rain, for both vegetation and romantic effects
instant messenger for keeing in touch with friends
big bear hugs
being wisked off my feet
giant bear hugs
really tall people
really honest people
really patient people
A faithful God
a loving God
a providing God
a neverchanging always honest God
a pastor who doesn't mind my three point questions
the people who recorded the Bible
Messianic Jews
Non-messianic Jews
memories
a warm house, even when it's too warm

Okay, that's nowhere near good for now, but it'll have to do. I encourage all of you to take one day and consider all the blessings you have, and even consider the screwed up circumstances as blessings. The Lord has this very moment as a reason, and if it wasn't serving His purpose, He'd change it. I truely believe that. So consider what the purpose of your situation is: to praise? to pray? to forgive? to learn? or maybe just to smile?

Oh I am so thankful for smiles. I can think of a few of my favorites.

And suddenly, there is no one left to blame.

Ruthless Trust

A man had set up a tight-rope stretching from the tallest buildings in Pittsburgh. He said to a stranger, "Hi, I am a tight rope walker. Do you think I can walk this tight-rope, from this building to the other and back?" The stranger said sure, and sure enough, the man walked from the first building to the other and back.

The stranger called his brother to come see the tightrope walker. Then the man said to them, "Do you think I can do this walking backwards?" The brothers shook their heads, but watched in awe as the man walked to and from the building backwards.

The brothers then called their friends about this crazy guy on a rope. Then the man said, "Do you think I can do this with my eyes closed, walking backwars, and my hands tied behind my back?" The crowd shouted, YES!! And the man did: to and from the towers, hands tied, eyes blind, walking backwards.

Then the man said to the crowd, "Do you think I can do this walking with a wheelbarrow?" YES, they cried! And he did!

"Now put a ton of bricks in the wheelbarrow. Do you think I can do this now?" The crowd, and the camera crews, and KDKA Sally Wiggin all cried, "YES!!" And he did.

Then the man looked at the crowd: "Who believes that I can take a man in the wheelbarrow?" The crowd shouted emphatically, YES! We believe!!! The man replied, "Who will be my first volunteer?"

The crowd was silent.

Then He said to them, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?"

I'm learning to trust

I'm learning to feel

I'm learning to love You always

~Infinite, Something Like Silas

Feeling complacent

So fly me to the moon, tonight I'm ready

I'm ready to be lost among the stars

To soar above the clouds that once were heavy

A little closer to where You are

They say that senioritis is natural. I can't even complete this thought. That's how bad it is.

I'm ready to start a new adventure. 4 years doing the same thing can wear a person down. I think that's why I was made for adventure. Travel the world, or even just the US. It's big enough. There's a time for everything, and I know that my leap of faith is not supposed to be now. So I'm just waiting for the moment that I can jump.

There are a number of decisions I need to make. Some of which I can 'control' others which are in the hands of others, all of which are in the hands of God. Be faithful with what I've been given, and more will be given. I'm not feeling too faithful with this paper. Oh, and by the way: I'm finally ready to be complimented. It's a pretty big moment.

Something's missing. Not in the sense that I am incomplete, but in the sense that there is something that will be here that is not here. Relationship? Vocation? Really cool recording contract? Wisdom? It's like West Side Story...

could be...
who knows...
there's something due any day
i will know right away
soon as it shows
it may come cannonballing down from the sky
gleam in it's eye
bright as a rose
who knows...
it's only just out of reach, down the block, on a beach
under a tree
i got a feeling there's a miracle due
gonna come true
coming to me
could it be? yes it could!
somethig's coming, something good
if i can wait...
something's coming i don't know what it is
but it is gonna be great
with a click, with a shock
phone will jingle, door will knock
open the latch...
something's coming don't know when, but it's soon
catch the moon
one handed catch
around the corner
or whistling down the river
come on, deliever to me
will it be? yes it will!
maybe just by holding still
it'll be there
come on something, come on in
don't be shy, meet a guy
pull up a chair
the air is humming
and something great is coming
who knows...
it's only just out of reach
down the block, on a beach
maybe tonight...
maybe tonight...

It's time to pray big prayers. To pray hard. To put my billboard ring into practice.

Shadowboxer

You made me a shadowboxer, baby
I wanna be ready for what you do
I been swinging all around me
cause I dont know when youre gonna make your move
--Fiona Apple

I talked to my friend Cori for an extended period of time tonight. I love talking to that girl. She's such a soul sister. The Lord constantly has us on the same page, teaching us the same things. It's almost as if we're reading eachothers mind. I guess that's a taste of what the Bible meant when it says the believers were of one mind...haha.

Anyways, we were talking about how Satan is (in the words of my friend John) such a bastard. How we seem to be tempted most when we're on the right track. It's like, why when we feel so close to the Lord do we suddenly end up so far?

I've been praying for a renewed love for the Bible, and (solely inspired by my quest into Judaism to understand Christianity), I've been reading thru Matthew. It's the gospel that constantly points out Jesus' fulfillment of the Old Testament prophecies. I was reading Chapter 4 which is when Satan tempts Jesus. MAN, that jerk is crafty! He uses 3 different tactics to cause Jesus to stumble, all of which are thwarted. First, he tells Jesus to satisfy His hunger (Jesus was fasting for 40 days...my friend Seth can barely make it 24 hours). This is Satan trying to distract Jesus from His devotion. Fasting is a form of prayer that really causes us to rely on the Lord and focus on Him. So satisfying that hunger, although legitament, was a way to distract Jesus's focus, possibly in preparing for His ministry.

2nd, Satan uses SCRIPTURE to tempt Jesus to test God. This is a tricky one. It's when we take Scripture out of context to justify our actions. "The Lord promises angels will catch you, so jump!" Never rely on Satan's interpretation of Scripture. This is why we need to pray continually that the Holy Spirit would reveal to us the meaning of the Bible, because otherwise, we might totally misinterpret it, and jump, and then die. Morbid...I know.

Finally, He promises Jesus all the world's kingdoms if He will bow to him. What's so amazing about this verse is that Jesus IS King of these kingdoms. The Bible says that Jesus was raised to the right hand of the Father and was given power over everything. Satan, knowing this was Jesus' destiny, does 2 things: He offers immediate gratification and also redirect who will receive glory. Jesus would recieve the world once His purpose on earth was completed, and God would be honored. Satan "promises" to give it to him AT THAT MOMENT in return for worship. Man, I'd say if anything, this is the tactic that gets me the most.

I wonder about myself in these verses. Do I want God's plan on my time? Immediately? Do I use Scripture as my justification or basis of my actions? There's a thin line. Do I allow Satan or myself to distract me from worshipping the Lord and doing His will?

Fiona Apple has a song called "Shadowboxer" which I have now dedicated to Satan. We constantly have to be on guard, not just anticipating his attact or temptation, but ready with a defense (or heck, offense). And only by the power and strength of the Holy Spirit can we defeat him. Jesus fought Satan with Scripture, nothing else. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.

Take that, bastard.

Why I should go to Australia

If you ever have egotistical moments like me, every once in a while you'll google your name. I used to have pictures on google, but they have sadly been taken down (too deep into newspaper archives I guess).

Today, I decided to look up Hindmarsh for the umpteenth time. See, as weird as my name is, its surprisingly popular over in Australia. I know I have family there. How they got there I'll never know. Although I bet it had something to do with the shipment of English prisoners to Australia back in the day. See, the Hindmarsh name is English (not German) and apparently I had quite a few outlaw ancestors. No wonder I have a rebellious streak. Anyways, yeah, we're pretty popular over in Australia.

SO popular, that there is a stadium named after us.

That's right, people. If you go to South Australia, you can visit Hindmarsh Stadium, one of the locations of the Sydney Olympics in 2000. With a capacity of 16,500, this stadium was renovated for the Olympics and is the home of Southern Australia soccer. Overall, visitors rate it above average. For more information and pictures, you can visit http://www.austadiums.com/stadiums/stadiums.php?id=54.

So yeah, add South Australia to my places I'd like to go before I die. Hang out with the kangaroos, play with a koala, and see a soccer game in my stadium. Sounds like a plan :)

Searching for Identity

This is why we keep hoping that identities will come our way because the rest of the world is so confusing: everything else is turning, but identities ought to be some stable points of reference which were like that in the past, are now and ever shall be, still points in a turning world.
-- Stuart Hall

Since freshman year in college, I have been fascinated with the Jewish religion and culture. My love and excitement for the Judaism perplexes the majority of those who know me. I have been known to search wide eyed in the Kosher section of supermarkets (Phil just LOVED Passover pizza). I've attempted to learn multiple Hebrew words. Apparently some people think I look Jewish, and at one point, friends needed to point out to a guy that I was "a Gentile" (I just learned the Yiddish word for that is "goy"). Tomorrow night, I am going to my first Jewish service at Chabad. It's spoken entirely in Hebrew, but I won't mind much :)

I have often wondered how this all fits in with my Christian identity. I have been disappointed at the lack of integration of the Jewish roots of Christianity. After all, if salvation comes from the Jews, if Jesus was Jewish, where did it all go?

It is important to understand that according to Christians, and thus myself, Jesus was the fulfillment of the Old Testament Messianic prophecies. That Jesus was the final and perfect sacrifice, bridging the inescapable casm between people and the Holy God Almighty. It is impossible and sacreligious to seperate the two testaments: the New Testament is the fulfillment of the Old, and the Old gives the validity for the New. Yet I feel like many Christians do not fully appreciate or understand the intricacies of this relationship. And when it is understood, how much more beautiful we see Jesus as the Christ.

Case point: This Sunday at sundown begins the High Holy Day of Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, where the Jewish people fast for 24 hours while reflecting upon the Lord and their sins from the previous year. Historically, Yom Kippur is the day that the Lord forgave the Jewish people for worshipping the golden calf and Moses was given the second tablets. According to "The Jewish Book of Why," the Jews believe that the Lord decides on Yom Kippur who is forgiven and who is not for the new year, which is why the day is solemn and not necessarily a celebration. It is my interpretation that the Jews understood that their sacrifices were not perfect, that they could not fully cleanse them.

Enter the Messiah, Jesus Christ, as the perfect sacrifice. The Book of Hebrews explains the significance:

For the gifts and sacrifices that the [Old Testament] priests offer are not able to cleanse the consciences of the people who bring them. For that old system deals only with food and drink and ritual washing--external regulations that are in effect only until their limitations can be corrected. So Christ has now become the High Priest over all the good things that have come. He has entered that great, perfect sanctuary in heaven, not made by human hands and not part of this created world. Once for all time he took blood into that Most Holy Place, but not the blood of goats and calves. He took his own blood, and with it he secured our salvation forever. Under the old system, the blood of goats and bulls and the ashes of a young cow could cleanse people's bodies from ritual defilement. Just think how much more the blood of Christ will purify our hearts from deeds that lead to death so that we can worship the living God. For by the power of the eternal Spirit, Christ offered himself to God as a perfect sacrifice for our sins. (Hebrews 9:9-14)

Why do we need a Savior? Because our actions, not matter how correct we try to make them, can never get to the root of the problem. This is why the sacrifices had to be offered year after year. This is why Jesus spoke so much about the condition of the heart and the mind: because HE was the solution to the problem. He was pointing to Himself. THIS is why on the Day of Atonement, Christians can "approach the throne of grace with confidence", because our sacrifice, Jesus Christ, was enough.

Blessed be Your Name. Shalom.

One is the loneliest number...

Today I invited people to come over for a movie and homemade cookies. No one came.

As an isolated event, no big deal, but this has been a reccuring theme. I guess I just don't have the gift for group event management, unless it involves a pool (which raises some interesting questions...)

So this evening I read up on Orientalism and Imperialism while drinking a glass of red wine, and wrote 2 songs. One might suppose this meants I was productive. However, the entire time I was trying and hoping to find more social options with my cell phone at arms length. Everything else was more busy work than production.

I don't doubt that tonight was supposed to be alone. Maybe my desire for company is on the brink of gluttony. That I want to be with people for the sake of activity than for sustanence. I know that sounds really selfish, and I don't want it to seem that I don't love my friends. I do, I really do. I might not show it well, but I really do love you guys. But the issue is more that I refuse to be alone. I will do most anything to not be alone. And when I am alone, I begin to think that maybe it's because I'm not loved. I can be so egocentric.

I sorta set myself up for this though. Like the song "All By Myself" I distanced myself from people. Now when I want to cross the bridges, no one is there on the other side. Thus the inspiration of my own "All By Myself," entitled "Not Easy." Verse 3 really sums it up...

My entourage of faces keeps me lost in the crowd
I’d rather be lonely than abandoned
but I yearn for someone to say, wanna come out and play?
I guess it all comes down to being loved

This really isn't meant for people to take pity on me or call with stuff to do. More so, I want to pose the honest question: Is it possible to want people too much? Is it possible to covet closeness? Can someone be a glutton for company?

One may be the loneliest number, but maybe One is just what I need.

Heroes always need sidekicks

As a songwriter, I tend to write songs for or about people in my life. Friendships have never been my forte, and looking back, I'm not sure why half of you have stuck with me for more than a year. Grace abounding, I suppose. I shyed away from friendships for about 3 years out of fear of betrayal, abandonment, and just the pain that will always accompany love. But I know now that I'd rather live with the pain of love than the security of apathy.

This song is dedicated to you, my friends, because I really do love you and appreciate every moment spent with you. I hope that I can convey this beyond lyrics on a facebook note, but please accept it as it is.


Save the World by Elise Dale

Don’t ask me to fly up and away
The gravity weighs me down
And I can’t see through the wall and masquerade
I’m half blinded myself

But I would save the world if I could
Yeah, I would save the world for you

I will not live forever
I already see the lines
And I cannot make the sun shine thru the clouds
Half the time the rain falls from my eyes

But I would save the world if I could
Yeah, I would save the world for you

Don't ask me how to fly
Heaven knows that I am blind
But I would save the world
Gravity weighs me down
And I can't erase these clouds
But I would save the world

Yeah, I would save the world if I could
I would save the world for you

Sick of Trash

To the reader: My hope for you is that you learn from your mistakes. That you understand that we ALL make them, and don't give into the self-destructive abuse of YOURSELF for making them, but that you seek to resolve what CAUSED you to make them in the first place. Learn from history. Don't assume that the ends justified the means, that survival equals celebration, and that laughing in the face of danger means the danger was a joke. And just because you might forget something doesn't mean it didn't happen, exist, or still remains.

I've felt sick all day. I can't really express this into words. So instead of wallowing in the present, I shall point to the solution. Others have said it better than me...

David said it this way
If David was Italian, he'd say it this way
Throw It All Away ~ Brandi Carlile
Give It Up ~ Amos Lee

I love you all, very very much.

Driven

I have a dictionary from home that I'm pretty sure I've used since elementary school. Today I was looking up the word "cosmopolitan" and found an insert of paper with definitions on it. Judging from the handwriting (and assuming I'm the author), I'm thinking it's from elementary school. The words being defined were "driven" and "driving". The following are the definitions I apparently highlighted:

Driven: to send, excell or otherwise cause to move by force or compulsion
Driving: 1. energetic; vigorously active, 2. relaxing or transmitting power [me]

Relaxing or transmitting power? What does that even mean? Is it some human form of potential energy? More importantly, why would an elementary student use this definition to define herself? Did I actually have that much insight to one of the core parts of my being?

My IU professor told me that I am one of the most anxious students he's had. This was after I asked him for a graduate school application 5 days into this fall semester. I told him that I'd prefer to be called "driven". I have absolutely no recollection of using this word when I was a kid, let alone associating it with myself. And then to find this in my dictionary...Now I don't believe in coincidences, but I do believe in signs. That things are put together in a greater design, working for something that I cannot see but at times will get glimpses of. My recent determination and borderline underground obsession with my pursuit of music encapsulates this word "driven". The possible idea that I wrote these definitions and left them in the dictionary, to find them a decade later, as maybe a note from my inner child: remember who you are, remember that there is a potential, relaxing, transmitting power at your core. And remember me, the imaginative girl who ran around the tree 6 times to never grow up, and rolled around on the couch singing "Who Can I Turn To?" hoping one day to sing forever...

...or maybe it was for a spelling test and I forgot to throw it away.