Gardasil...not just for whores

Hi. I'm Elise. And I am one less.

This is the statement made by women on the advertisement for the Gardasil vaccine. The vaccine protects women from some of the deadliest forms of the HPV virus which causes cervical cancer. In the commercial, the women are rejoicing.

Why do I feel like I'm in an AA meeting?

I am frustrated with the seemingly accepted interpretation that the Gardasil vaccine is for women who lead promiscuous lives, choosing to sleep around instead of remaining abstinent until marriage. I have heard this more than once, especially among my friends and family who are Christians.

This blog is not to shine a bad light on Christianity. It is not to identify Christians as harsh, judgmental individuals. I am sure that there are Christians who do not see Garadsil as an admission of fornication, and non-Christians who do. In any case, I do believe there is a misconception here, and I'd like to try and change that.

I do not know everything about cervical cancer, but I do know that it is deadly and can kill...

...let me repeat: KILL.

It is my understanding that people fight to survive cancer. That we celebrate those who have survived. And that we walk miles and donate millions of dollars in the hopes of someday finding a cure.

So why is it that when a woman receives the Gardasil vaccine, she risks also receiving a scarlet letter?

Yes, cervical cancer is spread thru sexual contact. This affects women who commit fornication and adultery. This also affects women who are the victims of boyfriends or fiances who previously led promiscuous lives. It affects wives married to husbands who secretly have affairs. It affects the rape victim who was drugged at a party. And it affects the 11 year old girl, perhaps not even thinking about sex, who contracts the virus after being molested.

Would you advise any woman in these circumstances to avoid protection from a virus that she could contract even if it wasn't her fault?

Or what about the Christian women who are in constant battle with their desire for sex? Would you condemn a woman for seeking this vaccine knowing that she may lose a battle? Let me assure you, as a Christian woman who is in this war day in and day out, my decision to receive the Gardasil vaccine was not so I could stop fighting and jump into bed.

Would this even be an issue if the virus being prevented was HIV? Why do I have a suspicion that if an AIDS vaccination came out, everyone would be rushing to their doctors?

I admit that I have been angry writing this blog. But the Holy Spirit has just now changed my heart from anger to sadness. The women who receive this vaccination (including myself) should not be immediately judged as promiscuous or seeking promiscuity for having this vaccination. Our desire is to be one less.

One less woman to die prematurely.

One less woman to leave her daughter without a mother.

One less woman to die from her husband's mistakes.

One less woman to die from her mistakes....

...Please do not label us one less Christian.

NYC: Not Yeilding (to) Complacently

I spent the last weekend in New York City for a reunion with 4 of my friends from Interlochen. It was a blast. 4 of us met up Saturday evening, ate dinner, walked around Time Square and Little Italy, and played detective/stalker in a desperate attempt to locate the final member of our motley crew who was arriving from DC.

It was a great time reuniting. We were all still unique in our old ways, and yet were now 20 somethings who had just matured in that uniquness. It's hard to describe everything in a blog, but I learned once again that in a month, you can form the most wonderful friendships.

Or they can form in 8 hours.

I was supposed to leave on Monday afternoon. Arriving at the correct airport but wrong terminal, I finally rushed to my plane only to find it had been delayed...to the next morning. Too impatient to wait in line to see how the airline would compensate, I reboarded the bus to downtown. I made friends with a grad student name Josh who had just arrived from a bachelor party in Montreal. He walked with me to the Metro which was a blessing as I wasn't sure which train was correct.

I arrived at Columbus Circle and withdrew $50 from my account (I had lost my debit card the night before). With none of my friends picking up their phones, I decided to go back to the Irish pub I had visited for lunch that afternoon. John, the bartender from Belfast, welcomed me back with the Irish dialect that had brought me back in the first place.

I sat at the bar, and proceeded to explain my story: the lost card, the cancelled flight, the unreturned phone calls. The story evolved into a conversation between John, myself, and a young engaged British couple sitting next to me. The girl, Leanne, offered to buy me a drink. "We're on holiday!" she said. So she, her fiance Ben, and I continued to dinner, talking about politics, the difference in British and American school systems, my family heritage in England, British behavior at soccer games, and so on. I learned that England does NOT still refer to the US as "the Colonies" and how offering a British girl a Diet Coke is an insult ("What? Are you calling me fat?") And they insisted to cover each bill. "It's holiday!" I like British holidays...

We called it a night around 10pm, where I took a taxi to my friend Lindsey's apartment ($15). In the morning, I taxied again to Laguardia ($35). That totaled $50, the amount I had to spend in the first place. God does provide beyond our expectations...

And what a provision! Instead of another day with past-time friends, I met international "mates" who not only paid for my expenses and offered "wicked" conversations, but also invited me to stay with them in England. Looks like talking to strangers can sometimes be a wonderful experience :)

Oh, and why am I not yeilding to complacency: being in New York made me realize there is so much more in the world than the one in which I live. Being surrounded by people of different languages and different histories and different views reminds me that there are people beyond those I already know. I was becoming complacent in the post-university world I was developing. But this trip reminded me that this year IS a transition period. What lays ahead is unknown, but it is so much bigger than I imagined.

Life was never meant to be lived complacently. Open all the doors and let you out into the world...

nothing new, but everything learned

God is good, faithful, and true. He will not let his glory be shared with another. He is my Father, Creator, Healer, Comforter, everything thing I need, the only thing I have.

Yet in the midst of this hope and joy, allow me to be sad today...inspiration will come soon.

Well painted passion
You rightly suspect
Impersonation
The dumbing down of love
Jaded in anger
Love underwhelms you
No box of chocolates
Whichever way you fall

And if I tell you
Lover alone without love
What will happen
Lover alone without love
Will you miss him?
Love alone without, without love

No, no I'll get this
I want to treat you
You're still not famous
And you haven't struck it rich
Underachieving
'Cause no one's receiving
This tunnel vision
It's turning out all wrong

And if I tell you
Lover alone without love
What will happen
Lover alone without love
Will you miss him?
Love alone without, without love

- Frou Frou

Until all I have left is You

the treasures I had set my sights on
gather rust before my eyes
the truth that I had based my life on
is uncovered as a bed of lies
and the promises I had received
were just myself giving them to me

You take away
You take away
and all I have is You
You take away
You take away
until all I have is You

the shadows of these things will fade
in the light that shines from You

Lord take away
take away
so all I have left is You
Lord, take away
take away
until all I have is You

I have discovered that running is one of the best ways for me to focus on the Lord and pray to Him. This is probably because after 5 minutes my legs are killing me and my ankles want to turn directions not meant for the human body, which leads me to pray for the Lord to keep me going and not die on Hillside Drive.

Running also allows me to see things that I usually would overlook while driving. For instance, when I collapsed on the ground due to heat exhaustion, I saw a huge pile of HUGE boulders that were arranged in a weird cave formation. Probably an old abandoned house at one point. I probably would have climbed the fence to explore had there not been barbed wire at the top. Good thinking, Deer Park Management.

But most of all, when I run or walk, I am blown away by God's creation. His sky, the coloring of the grass, the hills and valley contours of the landscape; it blows me away. I am so much more thankful for a breeze in the hot sun than the safety of air conditioning (which is a blessing too).

While walking back home from the church (I was too exhausted to run), I was realizing all the things of this world that the Lord has stripped and is stripping from me. As the freestyle worship flowed, I found myself saying, "You take away, You take away, and all I have left is You."

I used to see God as taking things from me as punishment. A relationship, a job endeavor, a friendship. But now, at the age of 22 when all my friends seem to be having their dreams fulfilled, I see that God is stripping me so that I can be with Him alone, without distractions. It was a lesson I briefly learned at camp this past week when I had to focus on middle school girls and not my own selfish desires.

And the kicker: with friends getting married and others engaged and relationships blossoming like wildflowers, I thought how nice it would be to get flowers from a guy. And at that thought, I realized I was walking next to a garden of purple mini sunflowers. Silly huh? A girl longs for a guy to extend a bouquet, when the Lord of creation creates a field of them.

I love Him :)

sticks and stones hurt

even if you love someone, there are days when you don't want to love them. it's a horrible desire, but maybe you allow it because you know you always will love them regardless. but how do you want to love someone? how do you choose to love them, when the catalyst for the original pain resurfaces? and how do you prepare for a scar to reopen? is there preventative action? prayer and petition? denial? all out war? how about a song....

Sticks
written by Elise Hindmarsh

i first remember you
staring at the calendar
wondering where you were

the weeks had gone
and i was old enough to count them
one by one

one, two, you used to buckled my shoe
three, four, and then you shut the door
five, six, i'm still picking up the sticks you threw

do you know how deep you cut
how deep it has grown
idealism born
innocence lost

but you're not to blame
you had your own business to attend
but that was the problem even then

one, two, you used to buckle my shoe
three, four, and then you shut the door
five, six, i'm still picking up the sticks you threw
seven, eight, sometimes i think it's too late
nine, ten, to redo it all again

i still remember you
and looking in the mirror
i can see you in me

do i move on?
accept you as you are
as i cover up the scar

one, two, i will buckle my shoe
three, four, if you come back thru the door
five, six, i will burn all the sticks you threw
seven, eight, it is never too late
nine, ten, to redo it all again

a love i can believe

Sarah McLachlan's album "Afterglow" is almost my theme album for my relationship with Jesus Christ. I'm just infatuated with the lyrics, and they always push me towards my love for my Savior and my hope admist sinful failures and the struggle to hold fast to the cross. I was playing the album while getting ready for a wedding. At 22, with the illusion that all my friends are in relationships or engaged or married, this song rekindled the true love in my heart for Jesus Christ.

I do not regard Jesus as my lover or boyfriend (I actually despise that view), but He is the most intimate love that I have ever had. He knows the deepest parts of me, and reveals myself to me in gentleness or with the occasional slap to the face when I need it. All in all, He is the love of my life as my Lord, Savior, and Creator. It is His kindness that brings this fickle daughter of Eve back to His arms. He's the one true thing I know I can believe in.

Push ~ Sarah McLachlan

Every time I look at you
the world just melts away
All my troubles all my fears dissolve in your affections
You've seen me at my weakest
but you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land

[CHORUS:]
You stay the course
you hold the line
you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
You're all the things that I desire,
you save me, you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe

I get mad so easy
but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do
'cause you're to good to fight about it
Even when I have to push
just to see how far you'll go
You wont stoop down to battle
but you never turn to go

[CHORUS]

Your love is just the antidote
when nothing else will cure me
There are times I cant decide
when I cant tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I'd drown
But you pick me up and brush me off
and tell me I'm OK
Sometimes thats just what I need to get me through the day

Forgiving What I've Done

I really enjoy Linkin Park. I got turned onto them about 4 years ago, and totally fell in love with their lyrics. I think they embody the internal struggle of humanity...okay, at least my humanity. Their latest song echoed a lot of what I'm going thru right now, both in the negative and positive light. Their music video is appealing, but does not reflect how I interpret the song. But I'm sure it's worth watching anyways. Maybe one day I'll redo it. Until then, here are the lyrics........Love and peace.

What I've Done ~ Linkin Park

In this farewell
There’s no blood
There’s no alibi
‘Cause I’ve drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies

So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done

I’ve faced myself
To cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done

Put to rest
What you thought of me
Well I cleaned this slate
With the hands
Of uncertainty

So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done

I’ve faced myself
To cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done

For what I’ve done
I’ll start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I’m forgiving what I’ve done

I’ve faced myself
To cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done

What I’ve done
Forgiving what I’ve done

Adamant

Adamant
words inspired by John Donne's first Holy Sonnet

You have made me
but will Your work decay?
repair me now for now my end is coming fast
i run to death and death meets me halfway
and all my pleasures seem to be the same
as yesterday

and Your grace may help me to prevent his art
and like adamant, draw my iron heart!

i wonder if there'll be
a deeper sense of deep awakening
and if i'll ever be lost in only You
i wonder if they'll see
the deeper parts deep inside of me
and if they were to see
would they see only You?

i will not move my dim eyes away
despair behind, and death before
they cast such terror
and my feeble flesh wastes away
by the sin inside, i think i might see hell today

and Your grace may help me to prevent his art
and like adamant, draw my iron heart!

i wonder if there'll be
a deeper sense of deep awakening
and if i'll ever be lost in only You
i wonder if they'll see
the deeper parts deep inside of me
and if they were to see
would they see only You?

only You are above, and when at last you give
me the grace to look, i can rise again
but our old subtle foe tempts well and i play his game
not one hour on my own can i sustain

but Your, it helps me to prevent his art
and like adamant, draw my iron heart!

i wonder if there'll be
a deeper sense of deep awakening
and if i'll ever be lost in only You
i wonder if they'll see
the deeper parts deep inside of me
and if they were to see
would they see only You?

and i know there will be
a deeper sense of deep awakening
and someday i will be lost in only You
and one day all will see
the deepest parts deep inside of me
and then they'll finally see
that it was always You

Superficial Saint

oh Lord, i lift Your name up
although i'm down and out myself
out of control

and i will glorify You
for You're the only one who sees
the only One who knows

and i still cannot make sense of this situation
could this mess i'm in still lead to my salvation?

so discipline me, Lord
take my heart
and bring me to my knees
captivate me, Lord
set my eyes beyond what i see
consecrate me, Lord
strip away this world
i've made my friend
discipline me, Lord
the pain will lead to peace
in the end

oh Lord, the darkness claims me
and the chains i gladly wore
wear me down

oh please accept my weary plea
and accept my weary faith
tainted with doubt

for i know Your knowledge of me goes much deeper
than this superficial saint
to the sinner who needs the slate erased

...

i have yet to shed blood
up against the sin Your Son
took upon Him with the crown of thorns
although this road is filled with pain
my eyes will still remain
on Jesus Christ
the perfecter of my faith

...

Let It Burn

here i am, the scattered seed
stranded by the side of the road
suffocated, choked to death
left here for the crows

is this fire to refine
or what is waiting for me on the other side

it creeps up onto me
smoke fills my lungs
and i can hardly breathe
but all i want

is to let it burn, let it burn
let it burn me away
let it burn, let it burn
let it burn me away

dust to ashes to the ground
six feet later gone to meet my Maker
can you make me any less
than the princess in my mind

it creeps up onto me
smoke fills my lungs
and i can hardly breathe
but all i want

is to let it burn, let it burn
let it burn me away
let it burn, let it burn
let it burn me away

oh, is this fire to refine
or what is waiting on the other side

it creeps up onto me
smoke fills my lungs
and i can hardly breathe
but all i want

is to let it burn, let it burn
let it burn me away
let it burn, let it burn
let it burn me away

Facebook redeemed...again

I swear my relationship with Facebook is a fickle one. For the past month or so, I had sworn off the webpage due to my inability to use it wisely...yes, I got sucked into stalker-like qualities. Of no one in particular, but the incessant checking of friends' pages was taking up more time than was God glorifying.

I was happy. It felt like chains were removed and I became much more productive.

Two evenings ago I was showing my IU friends my "past life," that of a diva thesbian bent on the pursual of Broadway stardom. It was my Interlochen portfolio. As we turned thru the pages, I told story after story as if I had just witnessed each occasion. Faces were completely recognizable. I remembered names I haven't spoken in years (almost 7 to be exact). My heart longed for these people as a lost family.

So, yeah the dream: Our family was reunited. We met together as a "Bring in the Morning" reunion. Jacob, Elan, Ethan, Mark, Amy, Mel, Ben, Will, Todd, Kyle...there was 20 of us, but perhaps 5 or 6 could not make it. We didn't do a reprise of our beloved musical, but just caught up. Some were married, some were still in college, some were trying to make it on the Broadway stage. It was amazing. I'm pretty sure I cried, but I know I at least squealed with joy. I guess I haven't changed much from when I was 15.

I woke up, and knew I had to get in touch with these friends. How....facebook. *sigh* Here we go again. I prepared for the messages of "WTF, mate?" on my return (I got about 3 of them so far), and started the search. I whipped out the old cast program and went down the list. Praise the Lord, I found about 80% of them. Holy cow, how some have changed. So many of them are pursuing theater or singing careers. It was nice to see their passion was not a middle school fantasy. One by one a friend request was sent out, and one by one, they responded. Some with disbelief, some with excitement, and some with no response at all haha. And with each friend request was sent a event request: Will you come to Interlochen August 3rd for a troupe reunion?

I hope that each one will remember our family and make their way to Interlochen this summer. To see all of them would be a dream come true. Literally.

Bring in the morning
Bring me my share
Bring in the morning...

...I'll be there

Eggshells and Jedi

Nothing in this world it seems can sweep me off my feet
Everythings amazing, but only in theory
Someone help me cause Im losing it quietly

Thats just the problem with me these days
Im walking on eggshells
Nothing ever goes wrong and nothing ever goes right
I dont know how to get help
And everything is perfect
But nothing ever moves me
Nothing ever goes wrong and nothing ever goes right
Give me feathers or give me nails
Im walking on eggshells

You might be the one for me but I will never know
I cant fall in love if I've fallen asleep
Will I ever wake up?

The author of this song (Landon Pigg) is reading my heart. It's the dichotomy of Christian knowing and feeling. Everything the Spirit holds, all the truth in the Bible, the beauty of God, it is all amazing. But lately it has only been a theory. It has been a hope and aspiration, not a daily experience. I have felt it before, but it flees. C.S Lewis described this as the downfall to joy: that once you have felt it, you are never satisfied until you can find it again. And in response, you search around endlessly for something that will make the joy return. Thus, I can fall prey to falling in love to what is right in front of me. Placing my hope in something visible as my impatience takes over.

I guess that is why Christians are called to hope for what we do not see. The coming of Christ, the full and active reign of the Lord, and joy that never fades.

I watched Star Wars Episode III this afternoon. No way is the Force an allegory for Christ's power to his people, but the good vs. evil theme ultimately draws parallels. In one scene, Anakin is talking to Yoda about his premonitions of Padme's death. I felt the Lord speaking directly to me in Yoda's response:

Yoda: Careful you must be when sensing the future Anakin. The fear of loss is a path to the dark side.
Anakin Skywalker: I won't let these visions come true, Master Yoda.
Yoda: Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those around you who transform into the Force. Mourn them do not. Miss them do not. Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed that is.
Anakin Skywalker: What must I do, Master Yoda?
Yoda: Train yourself to let go... of everything you fear to lose.

I am afraid to lose certain dreams, yet the Lord calls me to relinquish these dreams to Him. It is not a detachment in the sense of Buddism or mysticism, but relinquishing control to the Ruler of the Universe, and holding onto Him at the deepest level. I have to train myself in godliness, in Him, and in a sense, train myself to let go of everything I fear to lose. That which I fear to lose, so much as to reject my Father, is an idol. An adulterous, idolatrous whore. That is the identity from which Jesus Christ saved me. Will I allow my fear to turn me to the dark side?

Will I ever wake up to feel the joy of Christ? Yes. But this season is of discipline. Am I willing to let go of that which I fear to lose in order to overcome the fear of losing?

Its time to stop walking on eggshells and just take the step.

*crunch*

i am not comfortable

I am not comfortable with myself. Why? Because the Lord is revealing more and more the hidden depths of my heart and soul which are to be reckoned with. Indeed, if I was without the saving grace of Jesus Christ, I would fear the wrath of God.

The seperation of self from Spirit is like stripping velcro. Bear with me on this analogy, because it is the only vision in my head right now. The hooks of the self are latched onto the Spirit, desperate to hang on. And when they are seperated, a yell. The tearing is almost unbearable for me. And you can always hear it. You cannot seperate velcro softly.

So why in the world did I expect consecration to happen peacefully, that I would only see the end product and not feel or hear the process itself? I want to scream from the pain. I want to fall prostrate on the floor and cry until I whither away. I do not want anyone by my side unless it is my Savior holding me together as I fall apart. All I want to be is alone. Yet even then the self cannot be escaped from avoidenced. It must be reckoned with. It always must be reckoned with.

I cannot sit still with myself. When I try to concentrate on the Father, my mind is leaping to any form of distraction. I try to pray in worship music, and find myself matching harmonies or keeping tempo with the drums. I cannot sing, "You're my everything" with validation that it is true. I know that He is everything, but is He MY everything?

I am not comfortable. In the presence of my sin, I squirm and wince but I cannot escape it. I know by the power of Jesus Christ my sin has been seperated from me as far as the east is from the west, but just the knowledge that it is there kills me. The presence sickens me. It is still there.

Lord Jesus I want to be perfectly whole
And I want you forever to live in my soul
Break down every idol
and cast out every foe
Oh WASH ME! And I will be whiter than snow...

Lord Jesus, look down from your throne in the sky
And help me to make a complete sacrifice
and I give up myself
and everything I know
Oh WASH ME! And I will be whiter than snow...

To those who have sought you
You will never say no
oh wash me, and I will be whiter than snow...

and i love Him

a love like ours will never die
as long as I have You near me
bright are the stars that shine
dark is the sky
i know this Love of mine
will never die
and i love Him

I started singing this song as I was beginng to write this blog. It is one of my favorite Beatles songs (switch the Him to her). Bright are the stars that shine, dark is the sky, i know this love of mine will never die. and I love Him. Its so factual, matter-of-fact. The stars are bright, the night is dark, and I know the love of Jesus will never leave me. And I love Him.

There is a lot going on right now, primarily in the form of school work. I came to the lab tonight to work, but I'm so exhausted that I'll probably leave after this blog. Before I came, I went to have dessert with Jesus. I'm not about to call it a date, but it certainly was one of the only times these last couple days I've allowed myself to be alone with Him. I knew I needed to spend time with Him, as He reminded me that serving Him is not the same as knowing Him (or at least they have different components). I was walking back to my house from class singing "Knowing You", which is odd because I don't particularly like that worship song. But the Lord was reminding me, "Apart from knowing Me, there is no greater thing; not even serving me."

You see, I want to serve the Lord with my life, particularly in music ministry. But I haven't made the time to know Him thru Scripture lately. A lot of prayer, but not much reading. And I realized I missed that. I've been so sure that my calling has been to sing for His Kingdom, that I forgot to continue learning to whom I'm singing. Ironic, isn't it? To be so passionate about the Lord that we want to serve Him, and then in serving Him forget our passion was founded in Him?

So I'm at Bears and crack open Galatians. I'll just share with you the verse that really stood out to me, and pray that the Lord would encourage you the way He has to me (emphasis mine):

"For do I now persuade men....or God? Or do I seek to please men? For if I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ." (Galatians 1: 11)

"For if I build again the things which I destroyed, I make myself a transgressor....I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless...I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which i now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me. I do not frustrate the grace of God: for if righteousness come by the Law....then Christ is dead in vain." (Galatians 2:18)

Whom do I serve? Myself? My ego? My flesh? My desires? My impulses? My pride? My self-consciousness? My self-doubt?

What has the Lord rescued me from that I am rebuilding? Legalistic habits? Walls to keep me away from others out of fear of abandonment? My golden calf of salvation because I cannot see His master plan? Bridges that were burned by the holy fire of God?

Or am I serving the Lord to rebuild the temple of praise, to build up the body of Christ so the glory and Love of our Father may be made evident and seen clearly by all those who doubt His continue existence and presence in this world?

Bright are the stars that shine, and bright is the sky. But I know this Love of mine will never die.

And I love Him.

Asian Invasion (and thoughts)

I am currently writing this blog on my friend Roy's computer. She's from South Korea, and so all her websites are in Korean. Makes it interesting when I'm using gmail and blogger and I have no idea what any of the butttons mean. Thank the Lord for color coordination :)

There's a lot of stuff on my mind right now, mainly reflection/revelation ideas. I think the theme of today is the body of Christ, really coming to an understanding of what it is and what it means. For instance, in Philly I witnessed first hand what the apostle Paul meant by the eye needing the ear and the hand needing the foot. We have all been given gifts for the edification of the church, but that also means that we don't have all the gifts ourselves. We need others. Others need us. Okay, I need others. Others need me. It's a fact. Otherwise everyone else and myself wouldn't exist, and that would be very lonely.

I have Korean sisters who are so in love with Jesus, and their lacking in the English language made me appreciate their careful and amazing choice of words. And they saw their handicap as a weakness. I saw it as a source of strength.

My sister Sara just walked in and held gave me a high five, and we kept that palm to palm connection for about 3 secs. That means a lot. My friend Caitlin just walked in the door from Indy. Her spunk and youth just exhilerate me. I really love the body of Christ.

So why am I so thoughtful today? Because in the knowledge that we don't have every gift comes the knowledge that we don't have every purpose. God has not purposed us to do everything. THe Lord has not purposed us to do the same thing. In less general terms, the Lord has not purposed in our lives to marry the same person that someone else is seeing, because they have a specific goal that God has in store that ONLY those two people could conquer in His Spirit. The Lord has not destined us to have the same groups of friends because perhaps those ones over there cannot edify me and I cannot edify them the way that their friends can.

It sounds selfish (and surprise surprise I am at times), but I think there is truth. Every one in our lives are there for a reason. They come and go as they are purposed. But in the end, we are work together shoulder to shoulder, spirit to spirit, heart to heart, like the body. The acceptance of having one purpose is surprisingly disappointing right now. But...that's okay :)

Freewriting Flashback

Many Moons Ago...

in the nighttime the world comes alive
our world comes alive
neon lights point to treasures
we are lifelong friends, the moon and i
even if he is missing, i will thrive
drink, run, kiss me close
hold me tighter, breath out of me
i move to the lights
a moth to the flame
it will burn in the morning like it burns down my throat
but i am numb to it tonight

but now i watch thru windows
afraid to rejoin the giovedi gras
my thrist is quenched by another Source
when my tongue gets dry
from a palate once wet
this flesh's thirst for desire is still my own
but disowned daily knowing life is greater
tempt me
but joy from my Father stills me
I shall wait for His hand
not yours, however soft it may be

Mission: Philadelphia Freedom

For those of you who did not catch the funniness of the blog title, Philadelphia Freedom is a Elton John song. That's right. I'm a dork.

It is the eve before leaving for my third inner city mission trip. Let's talk about God's provision, shall we? After prayers and confrontations, the Lord doubled our men count from 2 to 4. It's not fantastic for the dangers of Kensington Ave, but I'm sure Gideon wasn't too thrilled with his men count before his battle with the Midianites. Then there is the awesome financial provisions. All 15 of us were able to be paid for! One girl without having to pay for anything :)

So there is SO much more to brag about the Lord's work. He really does provide for His children with amazing ways. Again, I shall expand later. Right now I have to finalize things with the trip. God is good and Jesus is our Savior and the Holy Spirit is Living!!!!

The War Still Rages

Today's blog will be my stream of thinking, with one purpose: illumination, praise, and trembling. Okay, three purposes. Wow, what a Monty Pythonism...

There is a war brewing beneath our noses. One that has been fought since the beginning of time, and won't end until the last trumpet (no fat lady...sorry). As the casualties of Iraq continue to climb, the casualties of this war soar with it. And beyond it. You've heard it titled "The Battle of Good and Evil." How cliche. There isn't even room for the amount of downplaying that causes. And even if I were to have the miraculous language to come up with a better name, the severity of this war could still not be captured.

Heaven and Hell are continuing to battle it out. There is still a fight for souls. And every other war term is applied. There are MIA soldiers, those who enlisted in the King's battle and have now disappeared. There are POWs, men and women taken captive by the demons and tortured to release their alliance. This could become very righteous sounding, so let me get to the reason why I felt the need to write this blog.

I had the priveledge to tell one of my sisters in Christ that she was paid in full to go on a missions trip with us this spring break. She had placed her trust in the Lord for providing a financial giant, and He pulled thru BIG TIME. The Holy Spirit recalled the Scripture verse that says, "How lovely on the mountains are the feet of him who brings good news, who announces peace and brings good news of happiness, who announces salvation, and says to Zion, "Your God reigns!" (Isaiah 52:7) Now, obviously the TRUE good news is the saving atonement of Jesus' Christ, who died on the cross to cover the sins of all those who would believe and accept his atonement. But I was so happy and felt so honored to be able to say with confidence, "Your God Reigns!! He has provided for you to serve Him in Philadelphia! He does listen to our prayers!!!"

And then the battle began. Seconds after this shout of victory, I was facing a terrible defeat from the past. I saw how months before I had fallen hard, how I had failed. I immediately saw myself as unworthy, as wretched, as someone who could not be used after abusing the grace given to her by her Lord and Savior. My soaring spirit plummeted into the depths of despair.

This is the battle we face. When the Lord moves, so does the Enemy. Satan fights, his sole purpose to steal, kill, and destroy. There is no mercy. There is no temperment. He cannot be reasoned with. His mission is to destroy the kingdom of God and all those who allign themselves with the King. And when He sees victory, He will try harder to accomplish his endevors. This is our battle.

I think the reason Satan fights so hard is because he knows he is going to lose. Satan fell because of pride. He knows he is no match for the King. Ultimately, the Lord will have victory in the end. And Satan will take as many as he can with him. I cannot allow myself to see past failures as greater than present glories! The end is already decided. The Lord will win. There should be comfort in that. There IS comfort in that.

Do not allow Satan to distract you with forgetfullness of present blessings or too MUCH rememberance of the past. Remember the past, yet see the victory the Lord has claimed despite our defeats. Where there is a Jericho, there is an Ai, but we are always led by the Lord into victory. Ultimately, it is Him who fights for us so He is glorified, not our fighting for Him to be glorified.

Oh, and by the way: cherebs are NOT cute little babies with tiny wings and dimples. They are the WARRIORS of God, the guardians of the gates of Eden with flaming swords, and the Lord is enthroned above them in the Old Testament sanctuary layouts. UGH!! Stupid Hallmark. I had to get that off my chest.

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith; in the future there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day; and not only to me, but also to all who have loved His appearing."
(2 Timothy 7-8)

A Dream is a wish your heart makes...

5The king replied to the Chaldeans, "The command from me is firm: if you do not make known to me the dream and its interpretation, you will be torn limb from limb and your houses will be made a rubbish heap. But if you declare the dream and its interpretation, you will receive from me gifts and a reward and great honor; therefore declare to me the dream and its interpretation…Then Daniel went to his house and informed his friends, Hananiah, Mishael and Azariah, about the matter, so that they might request compassion from the God of heaven concerning this mystery, so that Daniel and his friends would not be destroyed with the rest of the wise men of Babylon.

Then the mystery was revealed to Daniel in a night vision. Then Daniel blessed the God of heaven;

Daniel said,
"Let the name of God be blessed forever and ever,
For wisdom and power belong to Him.
"It is He who changes the times and the epochs;
He removes kings and establishes kings;
He gives wisdom to wise men
And knowledge to men of understanding.
"It is He who reveals the profound and hidden things;
He knows what is in the darkness,
And the light dwells with Him.
"To You, O God of my fathers, I give thanks and praise,
For You have given me wisdom and power;
Even now You have made known to me what we
requested of You,
For You have made known to us the king's matter."

Therefore, Daniel went in to Arioch, whom the king had appointed to destroy the wise men of Babylon; he went and spoke to him as follows: “Do not destroy the wise men of Babylon! Take me into the king's presence, and I will declare the interpretation to the king."

The king said to Daniel, whose name was Belteshazzar, "Are you able to make known to me the dream which I have seen and its interpretation?"

Daniel answered before the king and said, "As for the mystery about which the king has inquired, neither wise men, conjurers, magicians nor diviners are able to declare it to the king.

"However, there is a God in heaven who reveals mysteries, and He has made known to King Nebuchadnezzar what will take place in the latter days This was your dream and the visions in your mind while on your bed.”

...more on this later...

Edge of Love

There is so much I could write, because so much is swarming in my head. It's been swarming like a monsoon for the past month, and perhaps without my knowing, grace has been falling like rain in that monsoon. But I'm still processing in my heart, so I won't even try to share all the nonsense until at least some sense is produced. I am conscious that the Lord is trying to bring me to a deeper level of dependency on Him. This is not easy for someone who has conditioned herself to funcion, fight, and survive on her own.

But I can share music. I love music. And I love when other have created art when they are brought to the point of articulation. So here is my soul sister, Mindy Smith, which gives me some answer as to where I am: on the edge of love, with so many objects of affection, but above all and I would not do without is my love for my Savior. That's how I interpret the song mostly. On the edge with butterflies in my stomach. That's all I can say.

The Edge of Love ~ Mindy Smith

The edge of love like a knife
shimmer shines when it hits the light
Just like that it'll change your life
And it makes time stand,
It makes time stand still

The edge of love here I stand
Feels like sky where there should be land
I wanna fly, wanna take your hand
Just let time,
Just let time stand still

The weather's fine, maybe I'm your leap of faith
I know it's right because you're my amazing grace
You make time stand still

The weather's fine, maybe I'm your leap of faith
I know it's right, you're my amazing grace
And you make time stand still

The edge of love, the only way
Just give it all for heaven's sake
And when we fall God will keep us safe
And that's when time stands
That's when time stands still