Nothing to Prove

Walks are good for the body and soul...

I'm trying to become more disciplined in prayer, and decided to walk to my church's college ministry instead of drive. During our 10 minute conversation, I blurted out, "Sometimes I feel like I have to prove myself to you!"

Woah...where did that come from?

I never thought that I could work my way to Heaven. But after my subconscious unleashed itself, I guess I do have that mentality. I know that the Lord gave me a clean slate, and that I did nothing to recieve it, but I feel like I have to prove myself worthy of keeping it clean. Like I have to annually report to Him all that I've done well, all that I didn't do wrong, as if to say, "Hey, see, I can keep the grace you gave me because I'm doing so well."

I guess this is why I find it so hard to forgive myself for things, because then I don't deserve the grace because I proved that I'm unworthy...even though I was that way from the very beginning.

And this need to prove myself comes to play with the other 2 idols in my life: men and singing. I have to prove to you that my singing is worth listening to and that I am capable to be up here on stage with a band. And I have to prove to some guy that, "Yes, I'm worth sticking with. I am able to meet your everyneed, from world politics to night moves. See?" And to non-Christians, I have to prove that I'm a Christian by lining up a list of what a Christian is supposed to be and showing how I compare to that standard.

Funny thing, Christians are supposed to be like Christ, and I'll never be like Him. Except by His grace.

It's late, and I'm still processing all this, but moral of the story: I don't have to prove myself, because I simply can't. I can't prove myself to G_d, and it would be prideful to think that I ever could. And because, by Christ's grace alone, I don't have to prove myself to the Lord, I certainly don't have to prove myself to anyone or anything else.

Did I just hear the chains of needing acceptance drop? I think I did...