the worlds a stage

What kind of model am I?

This is question I have been asking myself lately. Unfortunately, there is no online quizzer thing to find this out, so I've had to resort to other (probably more accurate) references. The Bible, my journal, inspirational song lyrics, the works. Honestly, I'm not sure if I'm a good or poor model, in both actions and attitudes. Right now I feel pretty poor, but I think that's more of a faulty focus than actual actions. Let's proceed...

Instead of a model, I find to identify more with an actor (which is sometimes an model...usually not very good though). So, who am I modelling, or acting, for? In theater business, it's a director. so...

Who is my director? They're in charge, and in order to stay with them, you have to do what they say. As many of us in the theater business know, some directors are sleeze balls. They'll have you do things againstyour better judgement, but you're so afraid you won't find "work" anywhere else so you go with it. Life's situation: the directors are the friends or authority that you so want to please, that give you some kind of meaning, because you are lacking in direction in some capacity.

I've been an actress since I was wee little. Nothing fancy, but I think I flip into the director determines my actions phase. If I have any question, ask them, not myself. I'm not smart enough, knowledgable, etc.

So who is my director?

The Sunday school answer would be...Jesus. The reality answer: Jesus.

And friends. And co-workers. And parents. And children. And bosses. And Satan. And my flesh. And lonliness. And happiness.

Now put yourself as someone working on a film, or play. If you had that many directors, what would happen? Chaos. Any actor knows the frustration when one person is telling you ONE thing, and another is telling you something COMPLETELY different. Now sometimes they compliment eachother, and this works wonderful when it makes your craft shine and you're glorious. But if they're against you, seeking to exploit you or are for their OWN betterment without a concern for you...yeah, show's over.

Here's a pet peeve (for lack of a better term). But something that makes me sick in a heart broken way. When I do something that I would tell my niece, nephew, or one of the kids I work with not to do. How can I live in a way that I would never encourage another person to live? "Do what I say, not what I do?" That's two directors coming from one person. And that's even MORE frustrating if we continue the actor metaphor.

So why am I writing this? I love children. I love them to pieces. Sometimes I feel like they're the only innocence left in this world, and I despise innocence being corrupted. I despise lives being ruined or misguided. It kills me. My heart breaks to see it. Are we living lives, or acting in ways that are misguiding others? Action, words, behaviors, whatever, what are we advocating?

What kind of director are you?