St. Patrick's Day

Ironic how favorite songs from years ago fit so well today....

Here comes the cold
Break out the winter clothes
And find a love to call your own
You - enter you
Your cheeks a shade of pink
And the rest of you in powder blue

Who knows what will be
But I'll make you this guarantee

No way November will see our goodbye
When it comes to December it's obvious why
No one wants to be alone at Christmas time

In the dark, on the phone
You tell me the names of your brothers
And your favorite colors
I'm learning you
And when it snows again
We'll take a walk outside
And search the sky
Like children do
I'll say to you

No way November will see our goodbye
When it comes to December it's obvious why
No one wants to be alone at Christmas time
And come January we're frozen inside
Making new resolutions a hundred times
February, won't you be my valentine?

And we'll both be safe 'til St. Patrick's Day

We should take a ride tonight around the town
and look around at all the beautiful houses
something in the way that blue lights on a black night
can make you feel more
everybody, it seems to me, just wants to be
just like you and me

No one wants to be alone at Christmas time
Come January we're frozen inside
Making new resolutions a hundred times
February, won't you be my valentine?

And if our always is all that we gave
And we someday take that away
I'll be alright if it was just 'til St. Patrick's Day

I don't dance well

A while ago I wrote a blog about the joy of ballroom dancing. I said how wonderful it was as an allegory to what it means to let a man lead, and to learn how to follow, and how to learn to follow my Lord Jesus with every prompting He makes.

The lesson continues.

I'm starting to learn how my desire for control and self-righteous "knowledge" of how to dance negatively impacts the men who are called to lead me. And it frustrates me.

I went to a dance last Saturday. During the lesson part, one of the instructors was helping my boyfriend and I on swing. It was all fine and dandy until she said, "You know, even if the guy gets off beat, you just have to dance off beat. You have to adjust to him." I burned with that remark.

Not that my boyfriend is a bad dancer. NOT AT ALL! That wasn't the point. What "burned me" was the thought that if someone was doing something wrong, I (who was right) would have to adjust to him. That I'd have to be wrong too! And why? Because the male is supposed to lead, even if he leads a 4 count in a 3 count.

The real issue is about respect. In dancing, the male is called to be the leader, know the moves, ect. And the girl is to follow his promptings. This is a very high calling to a guy who is maybe new to dancing, which can hurt his ego a bit. But his ego is in for a world of hurt if the woman isn't gracious in his limitations, showing frustration, annoyance, and displeasure when the guy is really trying. She's not much of a partner to dance with if she's making him feel immasculine, and in the world of ballroom dancing, she probably won't get asked to dance again if she does that with every man she's with.

Man, I am a bad dancer. At first, the women said that I could follow wonderfully. But now I see that I am only good at following when the man is going MY direction. So I guess that's not following. That's accompanying. Or even worse, dancing by myself and another person just happens to be there with you.

I was always awarded with being strong-willed, independent, and knowledgeable. But I don't really remember being commended as a good team player. I'm good at expressing my needs. I'm good at getting things done. I'm good at facing challenges. But I'm not good at doing these thing with another person.

Instead, my strong opinions and needs are forced onto others as a demand, not a desire. And what happens? The picture above: I start hitting the guy in the face, slapping him around, and eventually, I'm dancing solo again. Because solo is all I know.

I think there are two ways of living a solo life. You can either dominate or alienate. If you're dominating, the other person is there, but not involved. It is your way, or the highway. There is no compromise, and even when you are negotiating, its clear that the negotiation will go YOUR way. You're still right, you just have to make the other person think they're choosing that way too. But the choice is clearly more of an ultimatum.

If you alienate, the other person doesn't even exist. No, I don't need your help. No, I don't need your advice. No, I will not talk to you about it. I'll do it solo. I can do it without you. There isn't even an illusion that the other person is there. It's only you.

I really don't want to dominate or alienate, but that's all I've known. I've learned that people aren't trustworthy, and that people leave. But maybe people aren't trustworthy because I don't give them a chance to do it their way. And maybe people leave because I make them feel bad about themselves.

So how do I learn to dance well and encourage others to do the same? How do I follow, even if the timing feels off? I'm just not good at this...

I finally see I'm worth it

For the first time in a long, long time, I finally see myself as beautiful.

I don't mean for that to be an egotistical statement. Quite the contrary, it is one of the most humbling statements I have made for a while. For the past year or so, I have struggled with my self image, comparing myself to other women, coveting their looks, their grace, their figure, their hair (nah, I always liked my hair), but their attitude, the list could go on and on. But tonight, after two amazing sermons, a couple hours of photo shoots, and one powerful merciful Savior, I can say: I am beautiful.

I could also look at the woman I have envied for 6 months and see that I am beautiful just like her. And again, not in an jealous, envious, "I have bigger eyes that yours" way. But in an appreciative, we are unique, and God made us both beautifully and wonderfully. I cannot express how freeing that moment was.

But sidetracking from physical beauty, this feeling of self-worth all started with the acceptance that who I was on the inside was beautiful, too. Most people who know me wouldn't deny that I am loud, full of outbursts, and occasionally abrasive. I am easily excited, and my body and vocal chords don't hide it. This nature of mine, although I knew couldn't be squashed, seemed to be the polar opposite of a "quiet, gentle spirit." And isn't that what Christian woman are supposed to have?

So am I not a Christian? Am I not behaving like a woman?

It took my current boyfriend, Michael, to show me that in my random outbursts, I could still be attractive. And not just attractive, but appreciated. And not just appreciated, but enjoyed. There are plenty of attractive women who are not enjoyed by others. But to finally find someone who said, "I enjoy your loud mouth" and who encouraged me to not hinder my emotions...oh my gosh, what a huge shadow of things to come, and by that, I mean the unyielding love of Jesus Christ.

I've always been self-conscious of my chest size. It took my friend Marc, who does not believe in Christ, to remind of me God's love for me: "You say you're a Christian. If you believe in God, then you believe that God made you who you are for a reason. So you should shut up and love yourself and your boobs, too." It was something like that.

In another example, I was (again) my own prophet. I was teaching the middle school Sunday School class about spiritual gifts, and said, "Why, if we believe that the Creator of the Universe didn't make a mistake in creating the earth, do we believe that He made a mistake when He created us?"

Scripture says that the Lord created the earth, the sky, light, trees, and people, and said: "It was good." Scripture also says that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. Scripture ALSO says that we have been saved by grace, NOT OF OURSELVES, and that the Lord has chosen us to work in His Kingdom until His return. Then WHY do we assume He made a mistake when we observe the personalities and physical attributes He has blessed us with?

My producer, Brandon Pfieffer, and I were talking about my voice quality on the CD. I confessed that I didn't like my voice because I could always find someone better. His response was that he could really grow to appreciate his voice by hearing the certain nuances that only he had, and he could love others' voices because of their nuances as well. It was in the imperfections that he found something worthwhile.

I pray for each and every one of God's children that we would see that we are beautiful. And that we would realize that we are worthwhile, in spite of or BECAUSE of our imperfections. And all of this is because of Jesus Christ, who loved us first, enough to die for us. If He had to die for me so that I would be worth something to God, who can I profane His death and say I'm not?

The I AM says I am.

When swept over by the love of Christ
I see myself as He sees me
Wretched, sinful, and depraved
Beautiful, loved, and finally free

No More Uncharted Desert Islands?

Last night a friend showed me the new feature of Google Maps: Street View. You can put in an address, and if the town is charted, you can see the street...as if you were standing in the middle of the street. For instance, I typed in my address and up came a photo looking directly at my house. BUT THEN I could turn the camera around 360 degrees and see my neighbors' houses and their cars. I half expected to see my dog.

This is pretty creepy, if you ask me. I can see the benefit of it, but still...It makes me feel like Big Brother is really watching, and he's driving around in a truck with a camera on the back taking panoramic pictures of where we live. Creeeeeepy....

But then I started thinking. With satellite imaging, Google Maps, and now the upcoming Street View, I realized that there are probably no more new uncharted territories to be discovered. Sorry, Columbus, we've found all the New Worlds. Sorry, Gilligan...in this day and age, you'd be found in probably a week episodes time.

This makes me sad. The sense of discovering something new, that no one has ever found, is so exciting to me. Like a secret hideout, only in the form of an island or tropical forest. But Google's got them all charted. And I can visit them without even going there, thanks to Street View.

I want to discover something new. I suppose that's why I enjoy the zoom feature on my camera. I have a photography album entitled "Finding Significance in the Insignificant". Instead of macroexploration, I can go on my own microexploration, discovering parts of flowers and insects I'd never notice. It's quite amazing when something as small as your pinkie nail suddenly has intricate details.

So, my challenge to myself: if I can't find an uncharted desert island, I guess I can start discovering the deeper levels of what has already been found.

See ya around, Gilligan.

E=mc2 (Elise is Morbidly Controlling 2x over)

“Whenever there is a sort of free radical coming into an equation,

it kind of bounces off everything in the equation.” - Danny Pino

I think I should start a new blog entitled, "Therapy with John." If not a blog, I think it would be a great musical, maybe a one act. You have your protagonist, let's call her Elise, and the musical chronicles her journey thru her sessions with her therapist (obviously, his name is John). The opening number is her first session, where she explains why she has come although she's not sure it will do any good. But the musical also chronicles her moments of eureka, talking to her mom (mom's are always involved in therapy), her attempts to implement what she is learning with her boyfriend, ect. The musical ends with her final therapy session, wondering if all of her quirks and eccentricities have been cured, or at least to a point where she has accepted herself for having them.

I think it would be a smash hit.

I'm sure most of you have realized by now that this musical is autobiographical. When I told my friend I was going into therapy, she said, "I did that too. It's really great to do it sometimes." And she's right. Talking to someone who went to school for asking questions is great. And they're trained to listen, which is really good for a girl like me who is a master at talking.

I've been recently tackling the issue of control and insecurity. Ever since I can remember I've felt confident about myself. I knew who I was, I knew what I wanted, had a clear idea of what I could and could not do (which includd compromise), and just felt sure about everything. I mean, I didn't know exactly what was happening in the future, but for the most part, I had a pretty good grasp on the directions of things in the "here and now". The only time I didn't feel that was in 5th grade, when the popular clique dubbed me their target of rampage. But even then I knew they weren't right. But I wasn't sure if who I was was right either.

My confidence and parental support allowed me to pursue whatever I wanted. And there was a sort of "mathmatical equation" to things: you study hard = good grade. You practice hard = leading role in a musical. Even when I studied hard and didn't get a good grade, I could usually identify where I went wrong (key word, wrong), study that harder, and nail the second test. In short, when I did the right thing, the right outcome occured. When I did the wrong thing, I was punished.

But is there right in wrong in all things? Do all good steps of action lead to good results? Do all bad steps produce bad results? For example, take the ever elusive "love." Do you have to feel a certain way, do certain things, think certain thoughts, and pray certain prayers in order to arrive at the oh-so-coveted award of *MARRIAGE*??? ( I imagine a choir singing "ahhhh" at that word) Or is there such an equation to life, career, children, ministry, or simply (haha, simply) figuring out God's plan? If 2+2 always equals 4, does Person A = Job A = Ministry A = God's Plan A? And if you make a mistake, does God's Plan B come into action, with Person B, Job B, Minsitry B, blah blah blah.

Is life always so calculated, especially in a life of grace?

John (my therapist if you forgot) and I discussed my deep fear of making wrong decisions that would thus result in missing or losing God's blessing. He then asked when in my life I had received blessings based on grace. Basically, when did something "not add up" and the result was still good? I took me 3 LONG minutes to finally think of two examples (aside from salvation, which I still struggle with sometimes). I could only think of TWO. And even now, 23 hours later, I can only think of TWO.

This was interesting to me. I haven't really experienced grace, at least in a tangible way. Everything has just added up. The results have always made sense. And this has given me two awful expectations:

1. The right steps MUST produce the right results, no exceptions.

2. Make a mistake and you'll get the wrong or second-best result.

I know that God and His plan is bigger than an equation. But I have yet to really experience grace in a profounding way. Or at least in a way that characterizes my life more than Calculus. Whether the Lord jogs my memory or brings these events into my life is His call.

Becoming my parents...

We all know the story of Freaky Friday: a girl and a mom mindlessly wish to switch places, and poof! They're in eachother's bodies for some period of time.


I suppose I had my own Manic Monday moment today. I was at work, thinking about things other than work, when I suddenly realized I was like my dad. Usually a girl would say "I'm turning into my mother" but I already knew that was true. I've had that drilled into my head since I was about 5. "You're just as stubborn" "You look just like her" "Kathy, is that you?" "What a Fowkes!"


But I realized that many of the quirks manifesting themselves lately are my father's. For instance, when I was a kid, my dad would insist on reading me poems. I'm not sure if it was his tone of voice, or his choice of poetry, but I hated it. I'd much rather he sing me a song than read me a poem that didn't make any sense to me. Looking back, I think I secretly liked it, because I'd always end up smiling, but then insist, "No, I didn't like it."


I was such a brat.


But I must have liked it, because now at 22, I find myself fawning over poetry, and most often those that my dad read to me. I'll probably read poetry to my kids, and if they're anything like their mother, they'll insist they hate it, too.


Another example. My dad used to sing all the time in the morning. This puzzled my mom, who wondered what kind of man she was dating that whistled showtunes while making breakfast. But then she visited her in-laws, and heard the same song coming from the kitchen, only this time, my grandmother was singing it. This phenomenon startled me as well. I mean, how did two people know the same song to sing in the morning?


But then here I am, waking up, taking a shower, and walking thru the halls of my school, humming to myself, "Good morning, good moooorning. Ain't it great to stay up late? Good morning, good morning, to you!" I think the kids have the same reaction on their faces as my mom had toward my dad.


Oh yeah, what triggered all of this was that I have started writing little limmericks in letters I've been writing. I realized that my dad did this ALL THE TIME. Usually they were cute, but no Walt Whitman. But he really enjoyed them. He'd always ask me if I liked his poem. I'm not sure if he wrote them for me, or for himself. I suppose it might not really matter. And now I'm doing the same thing, almost instinctively.


I'm a mess.


What makes this even more interesting is that I didn't even confer with my father before adopting these traits. It's not like I said to myself, "My dad likes poetry, so I will too!" Or, "My dad doesn't associate politics with religion, neither will I!" (I'm still working that out) Or my favorite, "My dad doesn't take things at face value; so I'm going to ask 100 questions too!" I just...well...did. I admit that I'm a daddy's girl, but more so for affection and the occasional $20, not to adopt his behavior.


Maybe it's the nature within me, or the nurture that raised me, but either way I'm becoming my parents. Which must mean I'm becoming an adult.


Aren't YOU lucky?

Jesus, the Wimpy Shepherd?

There's a song I love called "Someone to Watch Over Me." My favorite lyric says, "I'm a little lamb who's lost in the woods; I know I could always be good to one who'll watch over me." Thing is, when I think of these lyrics, I think of myself first: the poor little lamb crying "help me" in the big dark woods. Rarely do I consider the one whom I'm singing about, whom the song is written for: the one who will watch over me.

I do the same thing when I think about Jesus as my shepherd. I think more on the fact that I am a lost sheep, wandering, stupid, and helpless. Even when I read Psalm 23, I think more about myself than whom the Psalm was written for: God, Jesus as the Good Shepherd.

Sermons I remember tend to emphasize how we are sheep, and we need a shepherd. They go on and on about the parallels between people and sheep, and then wrap up the message saying, "And that's why Jesus is our shepherd. Follow Him." But it's always the culmination point, never the whole point.

Today's sermon was different, though. Finally! I finally found myself looking at John 10 and Psalm 23 with one purpose: who is this Good Shepherd? Why does He call Himself the good shepherd? And why a shepherd? It has to be more than just because people are stupid sheep...

I'm not going to rehash the whole sermon. You can visit www.eccbloomington.org and find the webcast for February 3rd (I think we do webcasts...). But one part of Jesus' character struck me that hadn't before: shepherds are warriors, and they fight for their sheep.

I've always thought of shepherds as leaders: calling the sheep to follow, making sure they don't wander off, and then going to find the lost ones. I mean, this is what is described in Psalm 23:1-3, green pastures, still waters, paths of righteousness. And all the while, I have this string orchestra theme song playing in my head, like you'd find in Little House on the Prairie. Everything's serene and peaceful, and every once in a while, Jesus gives a little chuckle at how silly his sheep can be.

But then Bob (our senior pastor) talked about the instruments a shepherd would carry. Psalm 23:4 says that "Your rod and your staff comfort me." Usually I picture this as two big sticks. But Bob explained that a rod was a long stick with a hook to bring the back wandering sheep. Nothing new to my peaceful scenario.

But then he talked about the staff. This isn't like Gandalf's staff. It's a short stick with a nob at the end and sharp pointy things sticking out. This is what the shepherds would use to kill whatever might be attacking the sheep. Bob then reminded us of King David of the Old Testament, another shepherd, who killed a wolf, lion, and bear (oh my!) with his rod. I mean, that's pretty tough! I'm not even sure I could do that with a shot gun, let alone be in arms reach to cobbler the head of a animal trying to kill me.

Honestly, I forget that Jesus fights for me. I see Him usually as the one ahead of me saying, "Here Elise, this way. No no, not there...over here." I see Him calling me away from danger, not fighting it off. What a docile Jesus I have formed in my mind! If only I could see Jesus as Revelation describes Him, with all the victorious and somewhat gory detail. But at the same time not lose His gentleness and love.

I think the best way I've seen this captured so far (aside from Scripture) is in the movie Narnia when Aslan first appears. I don't know about you, but I always wonder what the voice of God sounds like. Well, so far, I choose Liam Neelson. He captures the essence of authority and tenderness so well. When Aslan first speaks, you can't help immediately respect, revere, and yet want to give the lion a hug (okay, maybe that's just me). I wanted to post the video, but YouTube said no. But I encourage you to watch the movie or click the link and you can see what I mean.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BdT7CHdmWco

We are lost sheep, but more importantly, we have a Good Shepherd. A Warrior Shepherd. One of holiness, tenderness, and vicious courage. He is our leader, provider, and protector. I'll leave you with Psalm 23. Please pray that the Holy Spirit would reveal to you God's character rather than what we get.

He is the one who watches over me.

1The LORD is my shepherd,
I shall not want.
2He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside quiet waters.
3He restores my soul;
He guides me in the paths of righteousness
For His name's sake.
4Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
5You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You have anointed my head with oil;
My cup overflows.
6Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

From the mouths of babes...

I have a confession: for the longest time I have made chronological age and intellectual age equivalent. In layman's terms, I have often assumed that the older you are, the wiser you are. That the teacher should always be older, and those younger should assume their rightful place as the student.

This is wrong. I have had the pleasure to serve on committees and other organizations where the leadership was younger than me, and yet far more equipped than me had I been in their shoes. It was a blow to my pride, for sure, but a wonderful lesson to learn.

But to every lesson is another question: does this apply to faith?

I've been trying to understand the roles of spiritual leadership in relationships, from peers to peers, peers to mentors, boyfriend to girlfriend, husband to wife. What does spiritual leadership mean? How is it manifested? Does being a leader mean you know more than the other person? Are we only challenged by those who know more than us? Or is challenge and leadership more found in the pursuit of holiness, not in the scale of holiness to which you have achieved?

I cannot possibly dissect this in the 10 minutes remaining in my lunch break, but I think the Bible shows us that all of us, no matter where we are on the faith scale, can present equal challenge and strength to eachother. Today, I take my example from the apostle Paul:

Paul was the apostle to the Gentiles. He was their spiritual father, mentor, teacher, rebuker, encourager, and the list goes on and on. Despite his constant battle with sin and humility as the "chief of all sinners," he revolutionized the world with his ministry. I am both humbled and encouraged by his letters, especially Philemon which I may write about in future blog post.But this afternoon, these words from Romans 1 just melted my heart:

"For I long to see you so that I may impart some spiritual gift to you, that you may be established; that is, I may be encouraged together with you while among you, each of us by the other's faith, both yours and mine."

These words remind me that we are encouraged by one another's faith. Whether you have been walking with the Lord for 10 years or 1...whether you approach God from an intellectual or a musical level...whether you know 2000 verses by memory or simply pray constantly for His guidance and wisdom...however the Lord has blessed us as His children, so should we use those gifts to encourage one another. We are encouraged by faith.

As a speech therapist, I am constanly in awe of my superiors who know more than me and can approach my tasks from different angles. Yet, at the same time, the children whom I am teaching blow me away, sometimes even more so. Even as a Christian, my one superior is very black and white, hardcore about his faith in Christ, and sometimes a bit overwhelming. And yet I will never forget the encouraging words from one my pint-sized clients:

Me: Wow, babe, you look like you've gotten taller!
Child: *smiles* I've been pwaying.

God bless your pursuit of His Son and His glory.

Happy New Year, Bedford Falls!

Do you ever feel so speechless and overwhelmed that all you seem to want to do is run around in the snow yelling I love you to everything you see? Kind of like that scene from 'It's a Wonderful Life" when Jimmy Stewart is being absolutely ridiculous. I love that scene...

I've tried for the last 10 minutes to write something meaningful and profound, some Biblical revelation of the Lord's greatness and power (which are worth writing about). Maybe I'd write about my thoughts on generational sin and behavior. Maybe I'll write about what I read in Zechariah regarding God's involvement from the greatest creation to the smallest details. But I can't. All I can do is write what's on my heart, and right now it's this simple.

It is January 1st.
It's snowing outside.
And I have a boyfriend.

And I feel terrified, mystified, satisfied, content, concerned, freaking out, totally at peace, dumbfounded, and just absolutely awesome.

Tomorrow will be the 2nd.
Tomorrow the snow might melt.
Tomorrow I may or may not have a boyfriend.
I mean honestly, I could very well die in my sleep tonight if God wanted.

But all morbidity aside, this has been the best start to a new year that I have ever had.
And I am so thankful :)

Happy New Year, Bedford Falls :)

I am Christian woman...hear me Xena yell!

Okay, so I love playing ultimate frisbee. Probably one of my favorite parts is when the frisbee is thrown off to the other team. Usually, the throwing team will yell, "ULTIMATE!!", and the frisbee is thrown, causing everyone to run and collide with eachother wherever the frisbee lands. It's like two groups running into battle. It's awesome.

Well, because of vocal nodules, I deciding yelling "ultimate" probably wasn't the best option for me. So I opted for the "Xena yell." It got the job done, and kinda scared the other team in the process. And it sounded pretty cool haha.

But having a princess warrior's yell doesn't mean I consider myself a warrior princess. On the contrary, I often see myself more as a damsel in distress, getting into trouble, and then waiting for prince charming to come and rescue me from the world, from sin, and from myself. Pathetic, huh?

I've found this dichotomy of being a damsel and a warrior a lot in the Bible. We're called to follow the Lord, and then the go in for Him as His ambassadors. More recently, I found these two personalities while reading Zechariah.

"Rejoice greatly, O daughter of Zion!

Shout in triumph, O daughter of Jerusalem!

Behold, your king is coming to you...

...Then the Lord will appear over them

And His arrow will go forth like Lightening;

And the Lord God will blow the trumpet,

And will march in the storm winds of the south.

The Lord of hosts will defend them...

...And the Lord their God will save them in that day

as the flock of His people;

For they are as the stones of a crown,

Sparkling in His land." (Zechariah 9: 9, 14-15a, 16)

So here is the Lord appearing as a King, a warrior, to rescue His people who are as precious as the crown jewels. But then, in the next chapter, there seems to be a shift...

"My anger is kindled against the shepherds (false prophets),

And I will punish the male goats;

For the lord of hosts has visted His flock, the house of Judah,

And will make them like His majestic horse in battle.

From them will come the cornerstone,

From them the tent peg,

From them the bow of battle,

From them every ruler, all of them together.

They will be as mighty men,

Treading down the enemy in the mire of the streets in battle;

And they will fight, for the Lord will be with them;

And the riders on horses will be put to shame.

I will strengthen the house of Judah,

And I will save the house of Joseph,

And I will bring them back,

Because I have had compassion on them;

And they will be as though I had not rejected them,

For I am the Lord their God and I will answer them."

(Zechariah 10:3-6)

I amazed me that the people who needed to be saved by the Lord would then be strengthened and transformed into mighty men to fight FOR the Lord, and destroy the enemies that searched to destroy them.

I often see the Lord as my warrior, but I rarely see myeslf as anything more than the lost adulterous sheep needing rescued. But the Bible says that we are continually being transformed into His likeness, so why not into a warrior as well? Maybe that is a promise I need to claim for myself: that just as the Lord rescues and fights for me, so I am strengthened to fight for Him.

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7

By the way, Xena Warrior Princess was one of my favorite TV shows as a kid. Too bad they had to make it all weird in the end...*sigh*

My wildest dreamings...

I haven't posted a blog with just lyrics in a while, but this song is incredibly appropriate right now. Well, minus the subtle inferences of sleeping with someone. And the idea of any official he/she's mine. And the fact that my face is not green.

Other than that, increidibly appropriate.

ELPHABA
Kiss me too fiercely, hold me too tight
I need help believing you're with me tonight
My wildest dreamings could not forsee
Lying beside you with you wanting me

And just for this moment
As long as you're mine
I've lost all resistance
And crossed some border line
And if it turns out it's over too fast
I'll make every last moment last
As long as you're mine

FIYERO
Maybe I'm brainless, maybe I'm wise
But you've got me seeing through different eyes
Somehow I've fallen under your spell
And somehow I'm feeling it's up that I fell

BOTH
Every moment
As long as you're mine
I'll wake up my body
And make up for lost time

FIYERO
Say there's no future for us as a pair

BOTH
And though I may know
I don't care
Just for this moment
As long as you're mine

Come be how you want to
And see how bright we shine
Borrow the moonlight

Until it is through
And know I'll be here holding you
As long as you're mine

FIYERO (spoken) What is it?

ELPHABA (spoken) It's just for the first time, I feel ... awesome :)

Still in the Land of the Living

When you're blindsided and deceived and chained to the floor
When it's difficult to see the writing on the wall
When it's hard for you to breathe, keep a clear mind
When it's hard for you to be, just to be yourself sometimes
Keep on believing God is soaring above a world that's
running out of love
Pouring hope out over us, His angel doves
- Mindy Smith, Angel Doves

On November 08, 2007, I ended a blogpost with this:

"I believe that we will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. My hope is that we strive to keep living, even when the goodness hasn't quite arrived yet."

How ironic that I could be my own personal prophet. Exactly one month after writing this blog, I needed to hear these very words.

The past two weeks have not been all waltzes and jives. In fact, the days preceding my most recent post were pretty awful. To be completely honest, I was questioning my faith, doubting my salvation, isolating myself from friends, and contemplating suicide. I praise the Lord Jesus Christ that there were no attempts, but those of us who have struggled with suicide can understand that sometimes the thoughts can be as painful as the follow thru. I had reached a point where I felt worthless, had lost any amount of control, and just wanted to give up. It was all too much to bear, and the only way to make it stop was to stop everything.

Dory: Hey there, Mr. Grumpy Gills. When life gets you down do you wanna know what you've gotta do?
Marlin: No I don't wanna know.
Dory: [singing] Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim.

It was at that point that I knew I needed help if I was going to get thru this. But I think the greatest fear in talking about our pain is that no one will understand. And that's true, to a degree. Others may not understand the circumstances. They may not understand how or why we feel the way we do. But we all understand pain. And I think sometimes that's enough. Seeking out those people is hard, painful, and draining, but their love can help the healing process.

Ultimately Jesus Christ is the true source of our healing, but what happens when you can't find the words to talk to Him, or to pray, or to come into His presence?

I had to rely on the words and strength of others to lift me up. This is humbling. I usually have been the strong one in my relationships with others. But this time, I was the paralytic, and I needed others to bring me to Jesus. I needed a Dory to encourage me to keep going when I didn't have the heart to try anymore. And slowly, but surely, I'm healing. I'd say I'm 90% there.

For those of you who might know someone dealing with suicide or simply hurting, remember this: Sometimes I think we make empathy this unattainable emotion. As if we have to experience the exact event or truly know what the person is going thru in order to respond properly. But you don't need to know the intricacies of anatomy to see that someone needs an ambulance. In the same way, you don't have to understand thoughts of suicide to know that a person with those thoughts needs to be listened to and loved.

Honestly, I debated for a couple days whether or not to write this in a blog. So what is my point for writing this? Let me dismiss two in particular.

I don't want attention. Although prayers would be appreciated.
I'm not looking for pity. There are lives much worse than mine.

I suppose I'm writing this in hopes that someone who may be feeling the same thing might know that they're not alone. I've been told by a few people that God has used this blog to inspire, create joy, challenge, and whatever other verbs are appropriate for the encouragment of others. That is humbling and an honor. My hopes is that this post will do the same.

And if not for someone else, maybe for myself in another month from now.

Even if you have been a strong and collected leader, understand that every once in a while, everybody falls. Josh Joplin calls it Gravity. I call it humanity.

Keep striving. Keep swimming. Keep singing...

Another rainy day
I can't recall having sunshine on my face
All I feel is pain
All I wanna do is walk out of this place
But when I am stuck and I can't move
When I don't know what I should do
When I wonder if I'll ever make it through

I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
Your the one that's keeping my heart beating
I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
That's the only way that I'll find healing

Can I climb up in Your lap
I don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
I gotta keep singing
- MercyMe, Keep Singing

Lessons in Obedience: Ballroom Dancing

For the past two nights, I have found unspeakable joy in the steps and turns of ballroom dancing. I realized my love for it last weekend in Pittsburgh, and made a point to seek out opportunities in Bloomington.

Honestly, I have a lot to learn. Although I am decent at following, the whole experience these past evenings have given me a lot of humility. I don't know the steps, I don't know the moves, I don't know the leadings. I am at the mercy of my partner, and all I can do is listen to what he says, and try my best to follow through. And you know what? This control freak of a woman loves it. I have never felt so much joy in an activity I wasn't good at :) And despite the multiple errors, it makes me want to go back for more. I want to learn the combinations correctly. I want to be so in tune to the promptings of my partner that I gracefully flow wherever he leads.

I have been learning a similar lesson in submitting my life to the total control of Jesus Christ. Only difference is that when I take a wrong step, make a wrong turn...when I sin...my initial response is not to go back to Him and ask him to show me the proper way. I run away, like Cinderella from the ball, knowing that I have been exposed as a fraud...or at least, that's how it feels.

Last weekend, I was caught between the fear of the Lord and the fear of rejection. In the warring of flesh and spirit, the strength to prevail caved from under me and I dropped back into the abyss that has often sent my soul into a spiral of shame, self-hatred, and desperation.

It's an awful place to be, fully recognizing who we are as imperfect humans, the holiness of God, and yet unfortunately forgetting the paradox that occurs when those two truths collide. As a Christians, I am called new creations, and yet I find my way back into the same awful patterns I am supposed to have broken. Sara Groves describes this in her song "Painting Pictures of Egypt". In a sense, I continually look back at my personal Egypt, forgetting the hell from which I was saved and longing for the momentary comforts that eased (but never extinguised) the pain.

But sometimes the knowledge of what is good and bad is not the difficult part. It is when I know what is wrong, and yet go toward it instead of turn away.

Obedience. This is the most difficult lesson, at least for me. To not only say, "No" but to also walk away. It does no good to yell at the lion waiting at the door, ready to devour. God calls me to master it. But right now, I can't seem to tame my lions, my demons. So what do you do if a hungry lion is running toward you and you haven't yet taught it to heel?

Run, and avoid it like the plague.

But what happens when you don't obey? In my case, I start spiraling into an abyss of comparison, shame, and despair. Others around me seem to trip up and learn right away. But I seem to make the same mistakes over and over and over. It's almost like I need lesson after lesson after lesson. And that is frustrating! Why can't it I get it on the first try??

Baby steps. Each lesson is a baby step. And just like dancing, in each lesson you learn something new. It would be ridiculous to assume that after one lesson, be it dancing or battling sin, we would learn all the tricks, all the moves, all the turns, all the dips, and do it flawlessly when the time called for it. Any task must be tackled slowly at the learners pace. Step by step. Victory by victory.

Occasionally, I am frustrated that I do not catch on as quickly as the others on the dance floor. And sometimes I have to sit out a dance or two, and just watch how it is done. Eventually I will learn, but I have to decide to stay in the dance, to be led, and to follow my partner's promptings. I'll learn nothing if I run out of the ball.

And eventually I will have victory over the sin in my life. As long as I seek to learn the steps, allow Christ to lead me, and become more in tune with the Holy Spirit's promptings, I will learn.

We can't give up. Giving up means there is no hope, that there is no chance to turn back. But you only run out of chances when you run out of life. If you are breathing, there is hope. As Sofia said in Vanilla Sky: Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.

I choose the under arm turn, myself :)

Chaos at the Heart of Orion

Chaos at the Heart of Orion. That is the name of this picture taken from the Spitzer/Hubble space telescope. Yet in the chaos, isn't there such beauty? I hope that the person who took this photo didn't just add the colors for effect, but that they are the true colors God ordained.

I think the Lord ordains His beauty and colors in the chaos of a woman's heart. Even if our beauty is somewhat skewed (any woman wearing mascara can attest that it's not a pretty sight), the Lord can show His beauty, His plan, His majesty.

Peace like a river attended my way this evening. I am in awe of the way the Father of the Universe can arrange the stars in the sky, the planets around the sun, and rearrange the occasional chaotic moments of my emotions and mind.

The rollercoaster highs and lows, drives and defeats, and some of these occuring in a matter of 24 hours is sometimes daunting and frustrating. But all in all, it makes me aware that admist the confusion in my heart, the Sovereign God of the Universe still has me under control as well :)

Prince of Peace, You are my God

my Savior, friend, and confidant

forgive my doubts; i will celebrate

the love You are and gave of late

the plans of mine may fall apart

postponed, deterred, or altered still

but i will rest with joy, my Lord

that never changing is Your will

forbid me, Lord, to put my hope

in plans or gifts or thoughts of mine

though an off'ring, and prayerful filled

it is You in whom i will abide

Peace, but not as of the world

yet giv'n to us upon this earth

bestowed upon the hearts of those

stayed on God and Savior's birth

Oh holy Brother, truest friend

I will forever follow Thee

lead me where Your road may end

even if to calvary

A Deeper Hook

It doesn't matter what I say

So long as I sing with inflection

That makes you feel I'll convey

Some inner truth or vast reflection

But I've said nothing so far

And I can keep it up for as long as it takes

And it don't matter who you are

If I'm doing my job then it's your resolve that breaks

Because the hook brings you back

I ain't tellin' you no lie

The hook brings you back

On that you can rely

I was described the other day by my friend Sara as being "subdued." This was a momentous occasion. I have never, in my life, been described as any characteristic in the range of"calm-collected-subdued". One might say that this was just poor insight on her part, but knowing Sara and her careful choice of words, I attribute this as testimony to the Lord's work in my life.

In the pursuit of being "subdued," I have also begun to understand the power behind words. The pastor of our church's youth group is very careful of the words he chooses, often pausing the middle of sentences as he searches his inner thesaurus for what will capture the essence of his message.

Poetry can take my breath away. The grace of Robert Frost can take to the birch tree forest or those two roads diverged in a wood.

If you think about it, how many people often say, "It's a matter of semantics?" We use words to communicate our thoughts. In my studies as a speech pathologist, language was described as a "magical phenomenon" in which one person can telepathically create their mental image in the mind of another, simply by uttering sounds together in a sequence. It's beautiful really.

I say this because I am often not careful with words, and can often reflect the song I quoted above. It is a challenge to myself: is what I am saying really meaningful, or simply the ramblings of a manic state? Does it have substance, or just sound important?

Especially when writing worship music, do my songs impact others because of the thunderous roar of the drums and intricate guitar interludes, or do the words actually carry weight in themselves? I once heard a adjudicator gave a low score to my friend's song because "la la la's" don't bring people to Christ. Harsh, but is truth to that if the message behind the songs is just, "la la la..."

The hook might bring you back.

But I pray that with the power of the Holy Spirit, I can find the wisdom and words to stay with you or whomever forever.

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life

Okay. Two blogs in a row. But aren't the Lord's works meritted for two blogs? I mean, John said that Jesus' entire life and miracles couldn't be contained even if one continued writing. So I suppose two blogs in a day should be fine.

Picture in your mind the lightbulb coming on and then instantly a short fuse occurs. If this were a Demotivator, like the one above, the caption might read something like this: "Even the best ideas can have short fuses. But at least the idea was there, right?"

That describes my heart's condition in the time between this blog, and the one before it. It would be useless to rehash what happened, but it is never useless to sing (or blog) the Lord's praises after adversity (which is another great Demotivator if you have time).

As the Lord has it for His children, self loathing and pessimistic "woe is me's" need not last for long when we look upon the Lord. Just as He reminded me many blogs ago, "The shadow of these things [on earth] will fade in the light that shines from You." And thankfully the light of the Lord never fades, and in Heaven we won't need the sun or the moon, but only His presence as our light!

So what light shined today?

- The access to internet which allowed me to read three articles, which reminded me that the Lord has me right where He wants me and yes, I do enjoy where I am :)

- Demotivators with their sarcastic wit. Ironic how the demotivators motivate joy in life :)

- The smiling, mischievious face of one particular kindergartner who insists on calling me "Mister H." He wants to get a rise of out me. He usually gets a smile :)

- Teacher euphemisms for problem kids. I usually refer to these spritely sized terrors as having a lot of "personality." Another teacher ingeniously coined the term "having texture". It's much better to think of it that way, and I think that it humanizes the child as well :)

These are small things, and I do not suggest that in all times of doubt, grief, or horror, a nice colloquial will bring the rainbow out in the rain. But I am thankful for the times when it does.

I believe that we will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. My hope is that we strive to keep living, even when the goodness hasn't quite arrived yet.

Last Prophet Standing

The battle of the prophets. Here it seems like these two prophets, Hananiah and Jeremiah, are in some religious form of a political debate. The first speaks of deliverance; the other predicts enslavement. The first sooths the fear of the people; the other promises the approaching nightmare. Jeremiah’s response to Hananiah’s prophecy intrigue me:

“Amen! May the Lord do so; may the Lord confirm your words which you have prophesied to bring back the vessels of the Lord’s house and all the exiles, from Babylon to this place…”

But then he puts on a clause: “May it happen; but only when it happens will we know it is true.”

It’s almost like he’s saying, “Sure, go ahead, fly off the building, and when you do, come back and tell me.”

He doesn’t out rightly put merit in Hananiah’s words.

“The prophet who prophesies of peace, when the word of the prophet comes to pass, then that prophet will be known as one whom the Lord has truly sent.”

You’ll know the true prophet and the true prophecies when they happen. Until then, just wait?

So we’re supposed to wait around to see what happens? How long? How long are we to decide which are true and which are false? This seems like a pretty horrible answer, actually. Not that I would argue with its validity, but come on!

I’m not sure how long we’re supposed to wait for the Lord’s promises. Hebrews makes it clear that many of the people only saw their promises from a distance, and ultimately the promise of Christ came many generations after the initial promises of a Messiah.

Why’d they have to wait so long? Why did the Lord lay out the foundation of Christ, only for him to come many many generations later?

I don’t know.

But in this passage, Jeremiah’s “test” proves it’s point, at least when it comes to the true or false prophet. After the debate, Jeremiah goes to Hananiah basically to say, “You’re not the true prophet; and in fact, because you’re not true and you’re leading my people astray, you’re going to die within the year.”

And he does. Within 2 months, Hananiah is dead.

I’m not sure if the people knew of this prophecy against Hananiah. It seems like Jeremiah goes to him outside of the debate and the public eye. So were the people affected by his death? Did it then register, “Oh, well, this prophet died, so his words must be dead too.”

But ultimately, the source of the prophecy ends. It was a pretty short debate in the long run of which prophet would remain standing, especially as Jeremiah had been spared his life from his previous death threats. So, in this case (unlike the last one), both prophets were threatened with death: first from the people, second from the Lord. And look who’s left standing?

In Your word, You have shown your power. I will know the true prophecies in my life when they occur, and You will make it clear. You will kills those promises that are false so that I may clearly see Your truth. And you can do this swiftly, within two months or two years, or two minutes. Father, I ask for your mercy and forgiveness for perhaps holding hope out for promises I have taken as my own. But please Father, make it clear.

Habakkuk 2:1-4
1 I will stand my watch

And set myself on the rampart,

And watch to see what He will say to me,

And what I will answer when I am corrected.

2 Then the LORD answered me and said:

“ Write the vision and make it plain on tablets,

That he may run who reads it.

3 For the vision is yet for an appointed time;

But at the end it will speak, and it will not lie.

Though it tarries, wait for it;

Because it will surely come,

It will not tarry.

4 “ Behold the proud,

His soul is not upright in him;

But the just shall live by his faith.

The House of Prayer can be A House of Pain

Jeremiah 26
Cities of Judah Warned

In the beginning of the reign of Jehoiakim the son of Josiah, king of Judah, this word came from the LORD, saying, "Thus says the LORD, 'Stand in the court of the LORD'S house, and speak to all the cities of Judah who have come to worship in the LORD'S house all the words that I have commanded you to speak to them Do not omit a word! Perhaps they will listen and everyone will turn from his evil way, that I may repent of the calamity which I am planning to do to them because of the evil of their deeds."

"And you will say to them, 'Thus says the LORD, "If you will not listen to Me, to walk in My law which I have set before you, to listen to the words of My servants the prophets, whom I have been sending to you again and again, but you have not listened; then I will make this house like Shiloh, and this city I will make a curse to all the nations of the earth."'"

When I first read this passage, I naturally assumed that this prophecy was directed toward those who were not following God, in direct disobedience with His will, and not even seeking His face. And yet in the second verse it is clear that the audience of this prophecy were those in the temple, those going to worship the Lord in HIS House. And yet their response to the divine rebuke is to kill Jeremiah. Was it out of pride, of the assumption that going to the house of the Lord meant being right in the Lord’s presence? That seeking to be in His temple equaled seeking to be in the presence of God?

Do we not go to church in order to understand His ways, to learn more about Him, to be transformed in a place of teaching? And yet sometimes we do not want to accept that teaching, especially if it points out where we are wrong.

I know that I have felt this way. I want to go to church and maintain the spirit of "Hallelujah! Let's sing another song." Not, "Oh mericiful Father, I confess that I am wrong." Sometimes church is the only place that I can sit for an hour and hear from the Lord. So if I'm on the wrong path, it should not surprise me that I'll be redirected in God's house.

And this is what the Lord says in verse 3, the natural response of God’s people, to listen to His word and repent. And, the Lord gives the consequence if He is not followed. That’s love as well: it may be seen as a threat, but in the words of some screenplay writer, “It’s not a threat; it’s a promise.”

My pastor once said the most dangerous place to be is in God's presence, because we are fully exposed. I wonder if at times we want to go to God's house to compound our masquerade of self-perfection, instead of seeking God's revelation of Himself and His will in our lives.

I pray that all of us might heed the word of the Lord, and that those of us who regularly go into the House of God would enter prepared to hear whatever the Lord wants to say to us. That we listen to the Lord’s words, including His rebuke, seeking to be conformed to His will and follow His commands. When we come to the places designed for His worship, we must come with the intent for which the place was designed: HIS worship, not our own.

Lord Jesus, open my eyes today. I know that I am constantly in your presence. Let me be consciously aware of Your voice and the promptings of the Spirit.

Columbus Redeemed

For the past 4 years I had determined that Columbus, OH was settled on the mouth of hell. Driving thru the city usually resulted in some mishap, from losing luggage at the Columbus bus terminal, delayed bus trips, and my mom losing her gall bladder. Well, I am thankful and surprised to say that the Lord has redeemed Columbus, and I am the better for it.

The weekend in the "damned" city was supposed to be a simple get together with my parents. But God also allowed me to visit two of my friends the night before, and stay with my roommate's parents for the evening. Driving to all 4 corners of Columbus (literally) gave me a much better perspective of the city, other than the dismal Greyhound bus terminal. Also, the city is arranged like a spokeswheel, which makes it MUCH better to travel than Pittsburgh or Indianapolis. NO ONE WAYS!!! Hallelujah!

However, the best driving experience of the night was getting lost between 3:30-5am.

See, Google maps is awesome, except when you Google the wrong address. In my rush, I found directions to the correct street in the WRONG city (Brixton Drive in COLUMUB instead of HILLIARD). I don't realize that I have the wrong address until AFTER driving UP and DOWN the street 4 times and peering in random houses windows. Literally, peering against the windows to realize, "Nope...not this house". Keep in mind, this is at 4:20 in the morning. I'm surprised I wasn't arrested.

Unwilling to wake up my roommates parents (that's where I was trying to go), I called my friend Stephen in Chicago, who is notorious for staying up late. Well, he wasn't up at this point, but had the grace to wake himself up and be my Onstar for the evening. He guided me street by street from Columbus to Hilliard, which luckily was only 20 mins, but still....what a stellar guy! I arrived at my destination safe and sound and exhausted...it was now 5am. I told Stephen I owed him a dinner. Usually he'd deny it and say God be the glory, but this time he didn't oppose haha.

God also showed his redemptive grace in my conversation with my parents regarding my desire to go to New Zealand. What was most awesome is my dad was the one who brought it up. When mentioning my friend on Campus Crusade staff at OSU, my dad said, "Elise, if you like missions so much, maybe you should do it." This is a 180 turn around from his first comment regarding missions when I became a Christian: "Don't come back wanting to go to the Congo." Of course my mom still has hesitancies, but God gave me the words and the grace to explain my dream (see previous blog), my reasons, and my heart for the Lord's will in my life.

So, yeah. God totally rocked my weekend. Columbus is actually a beautiful city, great roadways, and how nice that everything is about 20 mins from eachother. BUT, my appreciation only goes so far...I'm still a die-hard Michigan fan. Sorry, Buckeyes.

I'll end this blog with promises the Lord reminded me of. Have a blessed day!

Thus says the Lord God of Israel, "Like these good figs, so I will regard as good teh captives of Judah, whom I have sent out of this place into the land of the Chaldeans. For I will set My eyes on them for good, and I will bring them again to this land; and i will build them up and not overthrow them, and I will plant them and not pluck them up. I will give them a heart to know Me, for I am the Lord; and they will be My people, and I will be their God, for they will return to Me with their whole heart." - Jeremiah 24: 5-7

"Every day I put hope on the line. I don't know one thing about the future. I don't know what the next hour will hold. There may be sickness, accident, personal or world catastrophe. Before this day is over, I may have to deal with death, pain, loss, rejection. I don't know what the future holds for me, for those I love, for my nation, for this world. Still, despite my ignorance and surrounded by tinny optimists and cowardly pessimists, I say that God will accomplish his will, and I cheerfully persist in living in the hope that nothing will seperate me from Christ's love." - Eugene Peterson, A Long Obedience in the Same Direction

Playing Joseph: A Dream of Commitment, Stability, and Elusivity

Whenever you're called on to make up your mind,

and you're hampered by not having any,
the best way to solve the dilemma, you'll find,
is simply by spinning a penny.
No - not so that chance shall decide the affair
while you're passively standing there moping;
but the moment the penny is up in the air,
you suddenly know what you're hoping.
- Piet Hein (1905-1996)

Whether dreams are the substance of the subconscious, a prophetic message from God, or simply a wish your heart makes, I believe they contain information pertinent to our reality. Personally, I have experienced dreams that fit into all three of the categories listed above. But last night's dream was strong enough to make me seek beyond the obvious scenario and wonder, "Is there something more to this than meets the mind's eye?"

In the dream, I discover that I am married to my best guy friend. We’ll call him “Nate”. Apparently, the marriage was sudden because because I was pregnant, but the baby was either aborted or died in a miscarriage. I totally flip out. First, I am incredibly anxious that I have married this man, essentially without consent. Second, my parents have no knowledge of this marriage, which would piss my mother off. I insist that we “remarry” so that they can be there, although I’m still not thrilled with the idea. We hold the ceremony in a catholic church, which is not my church, and the rituals of the marriage are awkward and strange. To further complicate the matter, during the ceremony, I realize that the musician for the wedding is the guy that I currently have feelings for, but doesn’t acknowledge them in return. We’ll call him “Tom.” Throughout the wedding I am overwhelmed with anxiety, because I realize that being married to Nate completely ends the possibility of being with Tom.

Sounds like a typical dream soap opera…but there’s more to it.

I’ve had several dreams of these men before. “Nate” has always been the man I turn to when a crisis occurs. In my apocalyptic dreams, I’m always with him or searching for him. When we are together in Dreamland, we are happy and comfortable with each other. In reality, “Nate” is my best friend, the man I have the utmost respect and really epitomizes the stable life. In a symbolic sense, I think “Nate” represents stability and security.

My dreams about “Tom” are less stable. We are never dating, but always friends. But each dream has an element of detachment. I am either watching from a distance or silently listening to his explanation that he’s not ready for a relationship and may never be. He goes about his life, and I stand there at a distance, wondering if I’ll ever be able to tell him my true feelings. It is a typical “What if” relationship. I believe that “Nate” represents the unknown, mystery, and the elusive “what if” of life.

So why am I so bothered about this particular dream with these men? Never before have they ever been in the same dream. And even more poignant is that they appear in a dream that’s setting is the most tangible form of commitment: marriage.

I’ve been thinking all day what this dream could mean. I do not believe it is a prophetic dream of who I will marry. But there may be prophetic elements to it. Here is my currently interpretation of this dream.

It is clearly a dream of anxiety and of repressed desire. Recently, I have been anxious about my next step in life. My mother wants me to pursue grad school. I’m toying with the idea of going to New Zealand.

Now for the interpretation.

I believe that the marriage ceremony represents a form of commitment. And the fact that I did not realize I was married signifies that I feel this commitment is being made for me, that I do not have a say in my decision for the future.

I believe that “Nate” represents the stability of choosing grad school. Of all my male friends, “Nate” is the most pragmatic choice for a husband, and grad school is the logical future choice with consideration to academic and financial pursuits. However, grad school is not necessarily MY choice, but my mom’s choice, and in the dream, I am very concerned about my mom’s involvement in my “marriage” or commitment.

I believe that “Tom” is the riskier, more elusive future endeavors, namely New Zealand. My heart desire is to be with “Tom”, so maybe this dream is showing that I really want to pursue New Zealand, or whatever choice it is, even if I am unsure of its outcome.

I think “Nate” and “Tom” both being present at the wedding is a subconscious means of comparing the two opposing choices for my future. If I were to take this dream as prophetic, it could mean that my choice to go to grad school would not be my own but chosen to satisfy my mother. Grad school would determine my future, but I would always desire and yearn for the “what if” of the road less traveled.

There was no ending to this wedding. There was no “kiss the bride” or processional. Instead, the dream ended with a familiar scene. “Tom” and I are sitting at the back of my church (not the catholic church). We are friends, and he is telling me, “I’m not sure if I’m ready for a relationship, and I’m not sure when I may be.” He stands up, and begins to walk to the opposite side of the church. I remain sitting, silent, wondering if I should go after him, and if I’ll ever be able to tell him my true feelings.

Perhaps the transition from the catholic church to my church means I have returned to my choices instead of the imposed beliefs of another. Perhaps Tom’s remarks symbolize the unknown and underdeveloped plans of the future. Maybe my response is my fear of risk in pursuing what I want, despite it being my true desire.

Or maybe it is just a reoccurring dream, replaying the knowledge of unrequited love. I still haven’t figured that part out.