i am not comfortable

I am not comfortable with myself. Why? Because the Lord is revealing more and more the hidden depths of my heart and soul which are to be reckoned with. Indeed, if I was without the saving grace of Jesus Christ, I would fear the wrath of God.

The seperation of self from Spirit is like stripping velcro. Bear with me on this analogy, because it is the only vision in my head right now. The hooks of the self are latched onto the Spirit, desperate to hang on. And when they are seperated, a yell. The tearing is almost unbearable for me. And you can always hear it. You cannot seperate velcro softly.

So why in the world did I expect consecration to happen peacefully, that I would only see the end product and not feel or hear the process itself? I want to scream from the pain. I want to fall prostrate on the floor and cry until I whither away. I do not want anyone by my side unless it is my Savior holding me together as I fall apart. All I want to be is alone. Yet even then the self cannot be escaped from avoidenced. It must be reckoned with. It always must be reckoned with.

I cannot sit still with myself. When I try to concentrate on the Father, my mind is leaping to any form of distraction. I try to pray in worship music, and find myself matching harmonies or keeping tempo with the drums. I cannot sing, "You're my everything" with validation that it is true. I know that He is everything, but is He MY everything?

I am not comfortable. In the presence of my sin, I squirm and wince but I cannot escape it. I know by the power of Jesus Christ my sin has been seperated from me as far as the east is from the west, but just the knowledge that it is there kills me. The presence sickens me. It is still there.

Lord Jesus I want to be perfectly whole
And I want you forever to live in my soul
Break down every idol
and cast out every foe
Oh WASH ME! And I will be whiter than snow...

Lord Jesus, look down from your throne in the sky
And help me to make a complete sacrifice
and I give up myself
and everything I know
Oh WASH ME! And I will be whiter than snow...

To those who have sought you
You will never say no
oh wash me, and I will be whiter than snow...

and i love Him

a love like ours will never die
as long as I have You near me
bright are the stars that shine
dark is the sky
i know this Love of mine
will never die
and i love Him

I started singing this song as I was beginng to write this blog. It is one of my favorite Beatles songs (switch the Him to her). Bright are the stars that shine, dark is the sky, i know this love of mine will never die. and I love Him. Its so factual, matter-of-fact. The stars are bright, the night is dark, and I know the love of Jesus will never leave me. And I love Him.

There is a lot going on right now, primarily in the form of school work. I came to the lab tonight to work, but I'm so exhausted that I'll probably leave after this blog. Before I came, I went to have dessert with Jesus. I'm not about to call it a date, but it certainly was one of the only times these last couple days I've allowed myself to be alone with Him. I knew I needed to spend time with Him, as He reminded me that serving Him is not the same as knowing Him (or at least they have different components). I was walking back to my house from class singing "Knowing You", which is odd because I don't particularly like that worship song. But the Lord was reminding me, "Apart from knowing Me, there is no greater thing; not even serving me."

You see, I want to serve the Lord with my life, particularly in music ministry. But I haven't made the time to know Him thru Scripture lately. A lot of prayer, but not much reading. And I realized I missed that. I've been so sure that my calling has been to sing for His Kingdom, that I forgot to continue learning to whom I'm singing. Ironic, isn't it? To be so passionate about the Lord that we want to serve Him, and then in serving Him forget our passion was founded in Him?

So I'm at Bears and crack open Galatians. I'll just share with you the verse that really stood out to me, and pray that the Lord would encourage you the way He has to me (emphasis mine):

"For do I now persuade men....or God? Or do I seek to please men? For if I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ." (Galatians 1: 11)

"For if I build again the things which I destroyed, I make myself a transgressor....I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless...I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which i now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me. I do not frustrate the grace of God: for if righteousness come by the Law....then Christ is dead in vain." (Galatians 2:18)

Whom do I serve? Myself? My ego? My flesh? My desires? My impulses? My pride? My self-consciousness? My self-doubt?

What has the Lord rescued me from that I am rebuilding? Legalistic habits? Walls to keep me away from others out of fear of abandonment? My golden calf of salvation because I cannot see His master plan? Bridges that were burned by the holy fire of God?

Or am I serving the Lord to rebuild the temple of praise, to build up the body of Christ so the glory and Love of our Father may be made evident and seen clearly by all those who doubt His continue existence and presence in this world?

Bright are the stars that shine, and bright is the sky. But I know this Love of mine will never die.

And I love Him.