Beyond Purgatory

ALS Blog: fight the devil by being an "angel"

2011-08-04T15:12:00.005-04:00

If you're like my mom, and stalk my posts on Facebook, you will have noticed that I have posted incessantly the last 2 days about joining the campaign to raise awareness and funds for the Western Pennsylvania Chapter of ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease).

I think the last time I was part of a charity walk was Relay for Life. That was in high school and mainly because they asked me to sing. This walk, however, is more personal as a relative of my mom's, Mike Braden, is currently fighting ALS alongside his wife, daughter, sisters, and web community. I'm in the process of organizing a benefit show/art exhibit called "When the Night is Gone" along with my donation page, which tells a little more about the motivation to walk, organize the concert, and love this family.

In my 2nd installment today of others who live Beyond Purgatory, I will be talking about this family. We all recognize the heartache that someone feels when he or she is diagnosed with a debilitating disorder, let alone a degenerative disease. Such a disease can only prepare you for how your body will slowly decline. It can be a living death sentence.

But I forget to think about what the families must go through. Sheila has seen her precious husband use a cane, then be confined to a wheelchair, mumble his words, and then lose his ability to speak. His daughter sacrifices time with friends to stay at home and help around the house, and while she is mature for her years, laments that she needs time away from home too. But she encounters the discouragment that as her family may not understand her need for time away, her friend's don't understand her need to be at home. This disease seems to literally be a purgatory, a place between two realities: life and death.

But this family perseveres. They laugh. They pray. They are so thankful and encouraging to all who call on them. And as we seek to lift their spirits, they in tern effortlessly lift ours up as well.

September 10th, I will walk with my family as "Mike's Angels" in the Pittsburgh Walk to Defeat ALS. If you'd like to support us, come to the concert, make a donation on my page, rally with us in prayers. Join the angel band :)

one policeman, one car, and one $200 ticket

2011-08-04T09:26:00.007-04:00

In Beyond Purgatory I try to relate stories of not settling for the status quo. However, I (unfortunately) realize that I rarely share stories of OTHERS who go beyond their call of duty or what is handed to them. Well, this is a real person. And this is his story.

Thursday morning is garbage morning on Kosciusko (my street; see picture above of how it looked during Snowmageddon 2010). The 100 or so residents who live in this "two way, one at a time" street are required to move their cars for the sake of our garbage men, fearless men who brave the smells and slopes of our humble roads. I've lived on this street for more than a year, and I know the drill. But usually I work in the morning and therefore can leave before the clock strikes 8am and I turn into a pumpkin. However, this was my week off. That, coupled with being sick for the last 3 days, resulted in me forgetting what day it was.

So I left my car on the street.

This Thursday morning, I awoke to the terrible sound of a truck backing up. Beep...beep...beep. That could have been my heart monitor. I jumped out of bed, hair a blaze, tie dye shirt unkempt, and rushed to the stairwell. In the window I saw him: our traffic cop, who had been pounding away at our door...all so I would not get the $200 ticket and towing fee.

Let me elaborate on the hurdles that this man crossed to save a poor young married couple from an unfortunate financial burden. The garbage men (with no mercy, but quite understandably) had argued from the start to call the ticketing police and have my car towed. A $200 fee. This policeman was actually our traffic cop, because construction is now taking up a full block and a half of our lower street where we usually park on garbage day. But he left his post to see if he could do something. Our neighbor happened to be outside, and assured the policeman that I was home because she saw our 2 bikes in the backyard. So the policemen rang the doorbell...9x. Little did he know that we had unplugged the doorbell because we had cooked a day prior (it usually has to be unplugged with only 2 outlets in the kitchen). So he resorted to knocking....HARD. But with an air conditioner and fan, the likelihood of us hearing someone knocking on the first floor door of our 2nd floor apartment is (and was) nadda. But he persisted, while the garbage men taunted him to give up and teach me a lesson. And then, when I did rush downstairs (wakened by the beeps, mind you, not the knocking), he was not rude or condescending at all, but almost as relieved as I was. And I was relieved.

I personally think this man went above the call of duty. Not in a "staring death in the face" way that we often associate with the term, but in a way that genuinely looked out for the residents of Pittsburgh (which I'm sad to say is not often the reputation we have of Pittsburgh cops, especially on the South Side). I am thankful, to him, to our neighbor, to the beeps, and to the Lord for seeing us in favor this morning. *sigh of relief*

And Chris just did the dishes. It's going to be a great day.

the symphony in the silence

2011-07-10T17:52:00.005-04:00

I am most amazed of how the Lord moves when I myself am motionless.

This afternoon, I watched the Lord guide a conversation from confession, to justification, to internal reflection, to conviction, to action. I saw Him shape the hearts of men, awaken their spirit, with a timing that was so perfect for each heart and spirit to align in unity.

Had I spoken up, interrupted with my own contributions based in frustration and disagreement, I'm not sure I would have witnessed seeing the Lord's hand. For certain, I would have either forced the conclusion of the conversation prematurely, or derailed the conversation all together.

As our church winded around the twists and turns of self-discovery, I reluctantly chose silence and instead praised the Lord for each new epiphany. (I rarely praise discovery, and instead hold out my praises for the final outcome). And I reached the final epiphany that the Lord has been imprinting on my soul for a while now:

Let me be the maestro, and let your prayers evoke the music in others. In your silence, listen to the harmony and the counter-melodies I am weaving the lives of those around you. There is so much music for you to hear. Isn't it wonderful?

'Tis.

deliver us from evil

2011-07-06T20:12:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I dream that people I love die. Now, this is very disturbing for me (aside from the obvious reasons) but also because I have had dreams that have come true...and not in the Cinderella way. I have had dreams that have had spiritual, metaphorical, prophetic significance. And then I have dreams that are because I watched an odd movie.

And then I dream my fears. I dream in anxiety.

Two days this week I have had dreams that Chris is about to die. The first time he was going to be incinerated by a demon who was also hacking our bank account through overseas computer nerds (I know...very believable). Last night I dreamed that a flood and earthquake occurred in Fox Chapel, propelling our car into the air and sending us underwater as the overpass landed on top of us, keeping us from each other...and escaping to the surface. Both of these dreams awake me in a panic, to which I wake Chris up, and he tells me that I can tell him about the nightmare after I finish making the drinks for the last customers (apparently he's dreaming about Starbucks).

Today I found myself at work with a panic/anxiety that something was going to happen to Chris. Then it dawned on me: welcome Fowkes generational "anxiety disorder." Mental illness on the side of bipolar and anxiety runs in my mom's side of the family, and we're not ashamed to admit that. Sometimes naming a diagnosis provides a sense of relief.

"Worry, doubt, fear and despair are the enemies which slowly bring us down to the ground and turn us to dust before we die." ~Attributed to Douglas MacArthur

I refuse to succumb to a history of anxiety. This will not be a part of my life. I will not complacently sit by and allow the anxiety to take over my mind, to rule my thoughts. I will fight. I will pray. And I will remind myself that the Lord takes care of those who love him, that He is stronger than any generational curse, and that whatever comes, He is victorious.

NOTE: I am not making a grandiose statement stating "You can be healed if you have enough faith" and therefore implying if you haven't, you lack faith. I am also not implying that medication is a ruse. I know men and women of great faith who continue to struggle with disorders/diagnosis, and members of my own family who are able to function better because of medication.

I am saying that for me, my personal struggles and battles with mental illness, it was prayer and faith that saved me. And that helps when you continuously forget to take your Celexa. But that is my story. May it encourage to increase your faith, but not necessarily deter you from your path of healing.

Feet to walk, hands to pray

2011-07-03T16:43:00.005-04:00

My second favorite hymn (that I can recall) is "Take my life and let it be." It catalogs the parts of a persons life and the dedication of their use to the Lord's service. Life is consecrated. Song sung for the Lord. Hands moving at love's impulse. The song reminds me that each limb and muscle that I've been given has a holy purpose, if I should choose to use them as such.

In an effort to be more healthy and green, I've encouraged myself to ditch the car and use the bike or walk when I can. My friend Jean gravitates more towards walking, justifying her opinion by saying "that's what the body was made to do: walk." So I decided to walk home from a friends: 4.5 miles. As I left her air conditioned living room, I lamented about my decision to make the trek, knowing the July heat would surely cause me to melt. Kristin's response: "Yeah, it can be uncomfortable...but then it's walking. You can keep walking."

A wise observation. A stop here and there to rehydrate, I kept walking, one foot in front of the other, until I reached home with just the balls of my feet slightly perturbed (they're now fine 45 mins later).

Going out on another limb (pun definitely intended), I have become frustrated with a lack of prayer. Of course, my frustration quickly falls on those around me. "No one wants to pray. They don't want talk to God. If I don't initiate, no one will. Fine, no one wants to join, then I'm not going to do it." That is a hypocritical argument. In the end, I will talk with Christ about what I did, not what I intended to do, and certainly not receive a pass when I attempt to blame others for my lack of follow thru.

The epistle Titus, chapter 2, encouraged me to shift my vantage point. So often I read the Bible and think, "Aha, so-and-so could use that verse." But the mercy of Christ prevailed, and He gently turned the microscope to my heart. Am I living a life that reflects the integrity and seriousness of the teaching of which I am so quick to preach? Am I seeking to live humbly, peacefully, and loving others? Am I living in this world with righteousness, wisdom, and devotion to God, all the while holding onto a hope of His final redemption of all creation? Am I encouraging others by setting an example? Or am I turning "whole families" from the Kingdom by pointing out the sin in them, that is also in me?

My hands do not move at the impulse of Thy love, but at the outburst of my own frustration.

But my hands were made to help, to heal, the hold. So as my feet learned that they could walk the streets of Pittsburgh in the heat, may my hands relearn their purpose. To touch the "untouchables" and hold the "unholy". May I pray for those hurt, bless those who curse. And may I pray forgiveness for myself, that "I will chide no breather in the world but myself, against whom I know most faults."

Give us this day our daily produce

2011-06-24T20:32:00.004-04:00

So how do fruits and vegetables fit into living life on the edge?

A couple weeks ago Chris and I were getting ready to take our final wedding pictures (3 months late...it was awesome). When we put my wedding dress on, horror ensued: the dress no longer fit. After crying myself to sleep, I decided that was the final straw: I wanted to be healthier.

The next morning, we realized that the wedding dress DID in fact fit, and that we had done something wrong the night before. Phew! But I had still become determined to be a healthier me, and for once, not back down at the sight of a Cheesecake Factory gift card (thanks Hot Metal!)

In addition to exercising in a way that my body hates me, and occasionally tracking food calories on Livestrong.com, Chris and I have decided to make farmer's markets and the produce section of grocery stores our home sweet home. Supportive friends started writing and blogging recipes so that we didn't resort to pasta, cheese and crackers. I am currently undergoing a scavenger hunt around Pittsburgh, compiling an Excel spreadsheet comparing prices from Trader Joes, Whole Foods, Superior Produce, PennMac, Giant Eagle, and Farmer's Markets (I've been suspiciously questioned by employees 2x now...)

So how does this change of diet fit into living life on the edge? Intentionality.

As a long time eater, eating has become second nature to me, like breathing: I can do it without thinking. This is a Hindmarsh trait. My dad can consume 9 rolls in 2 seconds. I can eat a whole pie or cashew tin in one sitting. Food is the only thing my grandfather will roll his wheelchair for. The result: I am a tornado and I will consume anything in my path. I will cook from a recipe in my head that takes 15 minutes to prepare, and I will crave more food in about 1 hour.

But I have seen the silver lining. I take time to consider what I am feeding my body. I think about the food item I buy: the vitamin content, the versatility among recipes, etc. I calculate about how many people it will serve (we love having guests). When I make a dish, I can't wait to tell my friend Lena, swap recipes, and share a meal...which inevitably leads to awesome stories and fellowship. I see the creativity of God in food and spices I'd have never imagined together (avacados and cocoa powder????) blend into a melting pot of flavors that melt my face off.

To be intentional is not limited to who you spend time with, what books you're reading, what movies you're watching, what church you're attending. Intentionality can be sought in every aspect of our lives, down to the food we eat. My social justice friends will rant and rave about the ecological benefits of organic farming, vegan diets, fair trade/slave free chocolate. As Christians, we understand that we are part of a greater whole. Our dinner does not just affect our stomach or the dreams we may have. It's why we say grace, to bless the hands that prepared our food...and grew our food...and harvested our food...and sold our food. Jesus can help you make your shopping list.

Once again, He has shown me He is so good. Beyond His creation of food, of course, but in food none the less. How could I ever be satisfied with mud pies (or Hamburger helper) again?

"A person can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in their own toil. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, ²⁵ for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment?"
- Ecclesiastes 2:24-25

Amen.

I can't figure out how to solve world poverty

2011-06-24T02:58:00.003-04:00

"I want to solve world poverty...that's going to take a while."

Chris says that is what I say to myself when I desire to do good in the world. And the effect paralyzes me from doing anything at all.

I guess that includes sleep.

I laid in bed continuing to think about this thing called "story." An acquaintance of mine is changing the scenery of her story and is spending the rest of her summer in Chiapas, Mexico. I am not envious of her being there, but envious of her spirit. To get up and go would be a marvelous adventure. But where am I to get up and go?

I want to get up and go to my own backyard. I want the lives of the kids I work with the change. I want to give them an opportunity to become heroes (maybe it's because I want to feel like one, too?)

So I started brainstorming on what would be possible. If their world vision changed, maybe they would change. Minds shift as our worldview shift. We are changed through challenge, through struggle, through excitement of victory. What if I had them choose a goal that made a difference in someone else's life? Would their life change then too, even just 1 degree, if they knew they were changing the life of someone else?

So I've ordered 5 catalogs from World Vision...that's about all I can do right now at 3:17am. The end of world poverty may have to wait, but it can at least begin.

My heart is on fire. Lord, show me the way when the smoke clears...

Choose Your Own Adventure (reflection on the principle of "Story")

2011-06-22T16:43:00.004-04:00

A couple updates from October 2010 that are worth mentioning:

1. I got engaged Nov 1st, 2010 to Chris Massa

2. I got married on March 5th, 2011 to Chris Massa

3. We are doing very, very well

There that should do it. You are now aware of most of the important changes in my life. Moving on...

Chris and I took a spontaneous road trip across the state to visit his parents and best friends, Phil and Carrie, who just had their first son, Isaac. (Some people would say that names don't matter because ultimately, I'm the only one who knows who they are. I say I'd rather identify someone by their name because it makes them a person...rant done.)

This was the first road trip in a long time in which I enjoyed the drive as much as the final destination. On the return home, we began listening to the audio book of Donald Miller's "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years." A few things you should know about my reading habits: I don't get past the first chapter, and I fall asleep within 15 minutes of a book being read. Chris has resorted to reading me short stories in order to help me fall asleep when my insomina wants to kick in (I still don't know how the Leopard got it's spots...) So, in fear that I would fall asleep, Chris told me the summary of this book before we started listening: Donald dissects the principle of "story" (a character wants something and chooses to overcome obstacles in order to get it) and what it means to have a story that's worthwhile.

I fell asleep at Chapter 2 and woke up at Chapter 10. Donald was talking to a friend who after discussing "story" with Donald, decided to change the story of his family in efforts to save his daughter. His daughter was using drugs and dating the unapproved boyfriend. So Don's friend decided that instead of grounding her, he would give her an opportunity to changer her story by entering into his: building an orphanage for $25,000. After a couple days, the daughter asked if the family could go to Mexico to visit the orphans. Then she stopped using drugs. Then she dumped her boyfriend. And then the quote that made me turn off the audio book so that I could digest it and eventually led me to write this blog: "A girl playing the hero does not date a loser like that."

How would our lives change if we thought about our stories?

What story are you in? Is it a story assigned to you, you created, or fell into without thinking? Does your story keep you interested, or are you falling asleep during the first chapter? Do you think your story will end in victory, defeat, or (the worst) when it just leaves you hanging with no answer?

What character are you? Are you a survivor who beats incredible odds? A victim who dies tragically of his own character flaw? Are you the one mentioned in line 2 page 164 and quickly forgotten by line 2.5?

If every worthwhile story has struggle, how do you respond when it comes? Do you fight head on like Indiana Jones who somehow always defeats the Nazis although they outnumber him 10-1? Do you join the Dark Side when it becomes too hard? Do you sacrifice yourself so that those around you can still have victory?

I wonder how I can apply this lesson of story to my life and to the lives of the kids I work with. Sometimes I feel we can become trapped by a story provided by a psychiatrist, or an abusive father, or a powerless religion that says the climax of "His Story" is church on Sunday and reading Bible stories. Do I believe that the True Author gives us collaborative rights to our own story, and that it can be a beautiful,edge of your seat novel of romance, adventure, and ultimate victory?

Let's choose our own adventure, friends. Let's have stories worth reading, worth living, worth waking up for. I don't want to keep falling asleep...

Soul Mates - new poem

2010-10-30T23:26:00.000-04:00

Soul Mates

like the man stranded
on a deserted island
laughing
while thirsting
at his ironic situation
so I stare into the sea of faces
and think
people, people everywhere
but not a soul to speak

their words fly
past me
I am uninvited
their eyes search
over my shoulder
even the deeper glances zone
out of focus
and we remain acquaintances
or worse, lovers

this innate sense
of connection
is clothed in its burial shroud
age tends to cover
instincts
with well-wrought lessons
the fine thank you okay doing well going good eh alright
I’ll swallow these pleasantries

and hope remains an aftertaste
that I have a soul mate
who might listen
to every word

Download Elise Hindmarsh Music Now!

2010-09-11T18:59:00.001-04:00

<a href="http://elisehindmarsh.bandcamp.com/album/tell-me-a-story">Tell Me A Story by Elise Hindmarsh</a>

Is it okay if I smile?

2010-09-07T01:15:00.003-04:00

This is a small venting post, I admit.

I'd like to know if it's okay if I smile. If it's okay that I thoroughly enjoy life, that I count my blessings while skipping in the grocery store, and laugh really hard at small things. I'd like to know if it's okay if I don't write songs about super sad emotions, or to make strong political statements, but simply want to bring a little thought and a little peace and a little happiness to those who hear me play. Is it okay that I am optimistic? That I think people are good at heart and become sad when I find out they're not, rather than sound the cynical cymbal with "I TOLD YOU SO" ? Is it okay that I try my best, that I desire to do well, rather than wallow in my problems and weaknesses? Is it okay if I strive?

Is it okay if I'm happy?

Because right now, I feel a ridiculous pull from those around me to bring me into their "the world is going to hell and we're gonna sit here with our drinks and complain about it" party. I'm all about being real. About not wearing masks. About being realistic. SO...

I am really, realistically, un-maskedly happy with life right now. My heart breaks for those who are struggling. But please, in love, do not attempt to break me.

Star Gazing

2010-08-31T21:31:00.002-04:00

I wish I was star gazing right now, like the real stars in the sky that occasionally shoot across the black and allow you to make a wish.

I wish I was doing that instead of sitting here on my computer. But I am updating network pages and downloading tracks to be sold online and frankly, my butt hurts.

One of the reasons I enjoy shows is that I can meet people. Not network. Meet people. I want to get better at this. I realize that with every event, choice of restaurants, and unlimited access to movies via Netflicks, it is quite an honor for someone to take time and listen to me sing some heart murmurs that I fumbled to articulate into song.

After all this downloading completes, I am going to go and flyer for an upcoming show at a coffeehouse. I hope I can meet the people at those places. Pittsburgh is a small enough city where family can still happen on the street. I hope I never stop looking for it.

women of strength

2010-08-15T20:17:00.002-04:00

i am so desperately in awe of the Lord who turned me, a girl who hated girls because of past betrayal, into a woman who yearns for the fellowship of women. deep, passionate women who love and hurt with such dignity that i cannot help but grow from just a passing sigh. i am so blessed. i am so honored that i would be considered and welcomed into such a sisterhood.

i hope that one day we as people will be better bonded by our love and redemption than hate and destruction. but as we inch closer to that hope, I am so thankful that i can oscillate between crying and composure with a friend's hand to hold me steady through it all.

on another note, I spent last night dancing and rejoicing in the Spirit in my room until 3am. i can't wait to dance with Him again. sorry to all of you whom i overwhelmed this afternoon as i bounced around, smiling and laughing until my ears almost popped off. but how could I be silent, when surely goodness had follow me in the house of God...may it be forever.

Hand to the Plow

2010-08-09T22:42:00.002-04:00

Wind is picking up speed these days. Two weekends from now will hopefully be the music weekend from heaven...not, well..you know.

Saturday night I am playing at the Catholic Underground coffeehouse. Sunday I lead worship at a different church. Monday I perform with United Harvest Workers Union, Ember Days, and another band from Florida (?) that I apparently will love but always forget their name. It's exciting.

Yet of course, Elise cannot live without paradox. As things pick up with performances/worship, I feel a gentle tug on the emergency break of my slowly accelerating car. The echoing question: Why do you do what you do? It's a question of self-evalutation, of everything, everyone in my life. Including me. A sifting period.

And right as things were getting good.

Jesus says that whoever puts their hand to the plow and then looks back is not fit for the kingdom of God. So how does one look forward and inward? Or do we not judge ourselves but allow the Holy Spirit to bring things up as we plow away? Like a GPS. Hahaha: God's Personal Spirit. Hahahaha, oh, I can be such a freaking corny Christian :)

But seriously, folks, perhaps as we drive toward God's direction, the Holy Spirit whispers "turn right." And when we make a mistake, the ever popular direction on my dad's GPS occurs: "Recalculating."

Hand on the plow, eyes towards Christ, ears towards the Spirit. Now that's multi-tasking.

Wake Up! Your Alarm Clock Said.

2010-08-04T20:17:00.002-04:00

Wake Up! Your Alarm Clock Said.

Lost again in a world of despair
Why do my dreams still haunt me?
Wake up and realize there’s nobody there
Why do the ghosts still call me?
Foreshadowing prophecy or slight indigestion
More of gravy or gravity, that is the question
Where we all fall down at the slightest suggestion
That maybe there was something more

The clouds are grey but the grass is greener
Than I’ve ever seen before
They say it’s the cones but I say that it’s God
Showing me there’s an open door
The rain keeps falling on my head on my eyes
And I realized its past the time, and I start to cry
And the water from me meets the water on high
And the bud of a fruit is now bearing

Call out to me and join all the voices
In harmony, laughing or carrying on
I try to ignore them, I can’t even answer
When they’re singing my favorite song
So I plunge my head back under the sheets
that reminds me I’m covered, I’m safe, and I’m free
and I close my eyes to go back to sleep
and the alarm screams, wake up, oh, sleeper

who am I kidding? I haven’t slept a wink
since I heard they were dying by midnights
poor Cinderella just lost a damn shoe
while they were losing their hope in the street fights
does anybody care? cries the heart in my chest
what they hell can I do, scoffs my mind
we’re bored and we’re restless, say my hands and feet
and my spirit conceived shakes alive

refuse all those flattering words dripped with honey
they just becomes sticky and cling to their money
and electric blankets, which burn you alive when you’re not watching
and the alarm screams, wake up, oh, sleeper

I do not know Him

2010-07-26T23:27:00.002-04:00

One of my least favorite parables is the parable of the talents. The master gives a sum of money to 3 servants in proportion to how much he trusts them. 2 invest it, come back with double the original amount, and the last one comes back with the same amount. The master is happy with the first 2, and angry with the last, giving the last amount to the first and throwing the 3rd servant out into the darkness. I always thought that was mean.

3 years ago, reading the parable again, I disliked it on a new level. The 3rd servant says, "Lord, I knew you were a hard man...and I was afraid...so I buried it." He didn't freaking lose it. He was worried that he'd use it in appropriately or waste it or WHO KNOWS, and so he puts it in a safe place and then gives it back. No harm no foul, right? Maybe he wasn't good with money. Maybe his dad didn't teach him about investments. But the master gets mad, calls him lazy and throws him into the darkness. I became afraid.

Tonight, I read it again, and prepared myself to become sad/convicted/depressed. And I heard a phrase I had not heard before: Enter into the joy of your Master.

This is the response he gives the first two servants. Enter into the joy of your Master. The joy?? The Master had joy? That was part of his character? He has...joy? And the poor, 3rd servant says, "I knew you were a hard man..." I became disheartened. I felt bad for him.

Did he really know his master? Did he really know him? Did he know that his master had joy at all, or did the servant percieve his Master as a cruel, ruthless, perfectionist ruler? Did he know him? Did He know about this joy that was waiting for him? Did he know there was joy at all?

Everytime I read this parable, I identify with that 3rd servant. First in feeling God is mean, 2nd in feeling God is to be feared (like, hide under the bed feared), and finally in realizing that I do not know my God to be a God of love, of joy...that He is waiting to make my joy full, abundantly full. I'm so afraid He's going to get mad at me, criticize how I use the talents/gifts He's given me. Not thinking that he wants to rejoice in my rejoicing as I use them.

Lord, too often I've come to you like a child to the principle's office. Too often have I hidden away, afraid to pick up the glory you await to bestow, going through all the reasons how it might be misused or abused. Too often I have seen you as a hard man, an impatient man, who is looking at his watch frustrated that I've wasted more time in doing what I ought not to do with what you provided. And yet I haven't even moved yet.

Oh, Lord, that I would know you more.

Sonnet XXX - Elizabeth Barrett Browning
I see thine image through my tears to-night,
And yet to-day I saw thee smiling. How
Refer the cause?—Beloved, is it thou
Or I, who makes me sad? The acolyte
Amid the chanted joy and thankful rite
May so fall flat, with pale insensate brow,
On the altar-stair. I hear thy voice and vow,
Perplexed, uncertain, since thou art out of sight,
As he, in his swooning ears, the choir's Amen.
Beloved, dost thou love? or did I see all
The glory as I dreamed, and fainted when
Too vehement light dilated my ideal,
For my soul's eyes? Will that light come again,
As now these tears come—falling hot and real?

to live deliberately among the chaos

2010-07-23T02:07:00.003-04:00

I've been reminded a lot of mortality lately. A couple people, friends of friends of friends, have passed away tragically. Young, active, energetic people like myself. Passionate for life and helpin others. Forgive me if I sound rude, but much like I pictured as a child that princesses must be thin and singers, I had a weird fantasy that passionate driven people do not die tragically. It didn't happen to people who were being proactive in the world, following God's call on their life, on fire for their purpose.

I knew I was wrong...and now I know even more.

It has caused me to become extremely discontent with my life or at least the idea that I am sitting on my butt updating a facebook page or writing a blog instead of outside these 4 walls living...LIVING. I want to make sure that if I'm the next to go, that I am living my life to it's fullest in the way that makes me most alive and gives God the most glory.

I want to go down singing. Not swinging. Singing.

Last Saturday's show was great. People came out, had a good time, sang along to A Man and His Plant, and being backed by In the Wake of Giants was freaking awesome. United Harvest Workers Union made me want to spin in circles. I really love this.

Today, I had a long debate with a couple very good friends about selling merchandise at the next show. After careful deliberation, it was decided that I would sell t-shirts, necklace pendants, and CDs, and possibly stickers. Perhaps this sounds pretentious as I'm not well known or touring right now. But even talking about it casually made my heart expand in excitement and love. And so I will do do it.

I'm tired of being scared or nervous about the next step. I'm ready to go. I'm not afraid to die if it means I'm really living when it happens.

paused.

2010-07-08T22:52:00.004-04:00

Picture this: You're looking on Facebook and you come across the page of a past fling, interest, boyfriend (girlfriend for you male readers out there). You haven't thought about this person for a while, and you frankly have no residual feelings. And then you learn: he's married. And a feeling comes over you. it isn't anger. isn't bitterness. isn't let down. isn't even joyful. isn't happy. it just...is. it's as if time and breath have stopped (not dramatically, just stopped) and you think, "huh. wow. that just happened." and then, within 3-5 seconds, everything picks up and you continue with your day.

A friend and I were trying to think of a word for this a month or so ago. And then, in a conversation today, the word organically appeared.

"How have you been, Elise?"
"Paused."

paused. it's an almost nameless, emotionless sensation with a lot of weight. and it's how I feel now.

2 weeks ago, I felt chapter 22 in "The Biography of Elise Hindmarsh" close. I am now staring at the first page of Chapter 23. And I feel nothing. No excited expectation. No dread of disappointment. Honestly, I feel very little emotion at all except the anxiety that I feel very little emotion. I'm not one to usually have small emotions.

i feel paused. air has stopped. time has stopped. relationships, growth, learning, contribution has stopped. the earth's rotation must have stopped. everything feels suspended. like the scene in The Truman Show where all the actors are in place but no one is moving, awaiting the director's cue.

i'm waiting for him to say action, too.

I'm a Mac...and I've got a Dirty Secret

2010-06-29T00:24:00.000-04:00

Security Blanket - New Song

2010-06-28T23:38:00.002-04:00

I am small
I am weak
I am angry
I am not meek

and I fall
and I fall
and I fall
and I fall

and I will lie down and dwell in peace
for you alone, oh lord, make me dwell in safety

I grow tired
I grow old
I am too open
I am too cold

and I fall
and I fall
and I fall
and I fall

and I will lie down and dwell in peace
for you alone make my dwell in safety

I am lonely
I’m out of breath
I am amazed
you’re with me yet

when I fall
when I fall
when I fall
when I fall

I will lie down and dwell in peace
for you alone make my dwell in safety

Blog rules: Stick with your topic

2010-06-28T00:08:00.003-04:00

Apparently accordin to blog rules, you should try to write blogs that stick with your blog's title theme. Mine is Beyond Purgatory, the sense that no one should live a mundane, complacent life.

I'm not sure my posts have flowed under that theme.

However, as I reflect back on the last couple days, I've had several things happen that are very extraordinary, and yet there were no flashing cameras, fireworks invovled. But oh, they made my heart so happy.

1. forgiveness. This is always a good thing. I feel like ordinary life would mean either remain bitter or forget anything ever happened. It's an extraordinary thing to find the balance between hurt and healing.

2. dialogue. I've had several conversations over the last couple days in which i have whole heartedly disagreed with a person and yet anger, fists, and pride did not rear its ugly head (at least that I was aware of.) I think it's an extraordinary thing to be able to talk, stand firm, be open to hear and love the person, and walk away feeling slightly more humbled and yet confident. Ordinarily, one might scream and yell and leave in a huff.

High volume does not always equal fantastic (a reference to fireworks or 100 piece marching bands).

3. meaningful accomplishment. it's one thing to sing a song. it's another thing to have someone say that it encourages them. it's one thing to work with children with autism. it's another thing to have a parent thank you with a loss for words. it's one thing to touch base with a friend. it's another thing to realize why that person means so much and to see God keeping the connection flowing despite months of non-contact.

perhaps one day i'll be able to write on this blog how I didn't settle for leading worship but performed in front of about the 1,000 people. or the platinum record i recieved instead of giving away cds. or meeting the president instead of a stranger who needed a smile. or walking on water instead of drinking it. (Or would I want things to change that way?) regardless, my life is far from ordinary and life jump starts me from complacency, if I allow myself to look with the eyes of Christ, and dedicate even a water glass to His glory. Christ made all things extraordinary in his power (minus going to the bathroom perhaps).

live beyond purgatory. don't get stuck or resign to apathy. but if you can't change your circumstance, ask Christ to change your heart and mind and soul in that circumstance, and let the sactification and extraordinary-fication begin.

On My Bones

2010-06-01T22:42:00.010-04:00

My suggestion at reading this blog is to play video and read the blog while listening to the song. Sets the tone.

Ezekiel 37: Valley of Dry Bones
God asked the prophet, "Can these bones live?"
The prophet, in a sense, asked God, "Lord, you know."

It's a bit of an ambiguous answer, one that demonstrates either a cunning way to cop-out, like the typical "what do YOU think?" or a humble recognition that God is the only one who knows the answer to seemingly hopeless impossibilities. I wonder what would have occurred if Ezekiel had said, "Nope, it's impossible for those dried up, scattered bones to live." Would the Lord have proven him wrong, or in dismay, allowed Ezekiel's unbelief to be the self-fulfilled prophecy turn reality?

"I will cause breath to enter you, that you may come to life."

Even with sinew (the equipment), bones (the structure) and skin (the appearance, facade), breath was needed to bring this army to life. What does it mean to have the breath of God? To be one with Him? I remember reading stories as a child with my head on my dad's chest, and I'd change my breathing pattern to match his rhythm. It was such an intimate exchange, co-existing in inhaling the same breath, and exhaling the same waste. Is that what it means? How does one lay on the chest of the Heavenly Father?

"And the bones came together, bone to its bone."

In its right place. Originally scattered. What if the Lord had told Ezekiel, put the bones together and then I'll act. I probably would have failed miserably. Most bones look the same to me. And yet the Lord spoke through Ezekiel, and all the bones joined in their right place. And yet, although I know I am helpless to form creation, I think I'm brilliant to put my life back together. I run away, to put my heart, my mind, my soul back together and come back looking like a Picasso painting: all the right pieces, perhaps beautiful, but pretty awkward looking. Love, worship, dedicate your heart, mind, and soul to the Lord. Maybe that doesn't mean "Fix it, and then bring it to him." A broken and a contrite heart. I'm glad I don't have to be a non-blemished 1 year old lamb to be an acceptable offering to the Lord.

All this reflection started after reading Oswald Chamber's daily devotion on this passage. He wrote (among other things), "The degree of hopelessness I have for others come from never realizing that God has done anything for me. Is my own personal experience such a wonderful realization of God's power and might that I can never have a sense of hopelessness for anyone else I see?"

He continues, "When God wants to show you what human nature is like separated from Himself, He shows it to you in yourself."

I saw wrath last night. Pure wrath. It boiled up inside of me, water streaming down my face, fingers bent into claws, heart pounding, brain bursting at the seams. For an entire day, it ate me alive. I woke up in the morning completely tense head to toe. My voice was lowered 1 octave. I had seen dry bones and I was glad.

"Son of Man, can these bones live?"
- No, Lord, because they don't deserve it. They only could, and should, remain dead.

My anger was my revelation of the human nature separated from Christ. Apart from the Lord, we are not only God's enemies, but man's. Apart from Christ's forgiveness, we crucify Him daily and demand Pilate to crucify each other. Die for your sins!

And isn't this shown in the semantic twist of the Golden rule?

I'll do to you what you've done to me. This is the law.
Do unto others as you'd have them to do you. This is love.

Without Christ, at eternity, I'd bear the wrath of God.
Without Christ, on earth, I'd further the wrath of men.

I read a sermon last night by Martin Luther King, Jr. (1957) entitled, "Loving Your Enemies." He ended his sermon with these words:

So this morning, as I look into your eyes, and into the eyes of all of my brothers in Alabama and all over America and over the world, I say to you, "I love you. I would rather die than hate you." And I'm foolish enough to believe that through the power of this love somewhere, men of the most recalcitrant bent will be transformed. And then we will be in God?s kingdom. We will be able to matriculate into the university of eternal life because we had the power to love our enemies, to bless those persons that cursed us, to even decide to be good to those persons who hated us, and we even prayed for those persons who despitefully used us.

I want to breathe in the breath of God so that I may live, not exhale the fires of hell to condemn others (and myself) to death.

Oh this love has been life to these bones.

If I could be...

2010-05-19T00:00:00.003-04:00

This is a quote from The Picture of Dorian Gray" by Oscar Wilde.

"If this girl can give a soul to those who have lived without one, if she can create the sense of beauty in people whose lives have been sordid and ugly, if she can strip them of their selfishness and lend them tears for sorrows that are not their own, she is worthy of all your adoration, worthy of the adoration of the world."

I want to be this.

That is all. Goodnight.

an old song, resurrected - to lead a life

2010-05-08T01:23:00.004-04:00

I wrote this song a year ago.
The picture's from New Zealand.
I didn't realize that I forgot them until I found them again.

To Lead A Life - by Elise Hindmarsh

I’m so sorry that I can’t be
content like others that you might see
that my first thought is about tomorrow
and not where I am, but where I might go

to lead a life without these things I might be happy

I’m afraid that I am like that
someone who hurt you and made you so sad
putting value in clothes and money
and vainly eating the milk and honey

to lead a life without these things I might be happy

maybe my mother and my father
will look at me like my older brother
who ran away and forgot to call her
but I’ve my own life, to fly and falter

to lead a life without these things I might be happy

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

2010-05-07T00:17:00.003-04:00

I was asked this question at a bar the other night. After my response, he said, "I hate to burst your bubble, but you have to pay the bills."

I wonder when we as creative, amazing, intelligent, impecably perservering human beings decided that in order to pay bills you must give up your dream...that for some reason to be responsible means to be boring.

I have talked to several people who love one thing and then settle for another. Who deeply desire to change the world and then sit behind a cubicle. Do I think that cubicles are a minor form of hell waiting to trap people? No. But unlike their structure, one size does not fit all. Some people are made for living out Office Space. I don't doubt that for a minute. But some people aren't.

I'm not.

I was listening to my favorite Dashboard Confessional song, "This Ruined Puzzle." It reminds me of my relationship with God, like just about every other song I hear on the radio. There's a line in this one that almost knocked my car into a telephone pole:

This basement's a coffin, I'm buried alive
I'll die in here just to be safe.
I'll die in here just to be safe.

How many of us are dead men walking because we want to be safe? I'm not talking about death = having a good job and making money is the devil. I'm talking about death of passion. Death of dreams. Death of who we are at our core, because it's just too hard to live as the image bearers of God we were meant to be.

So we settle. Maybe as a doctor, perpetual student, or fast food salesmen. Settling is different for everyone. But the principle is the same.

I want a big house in the middle of a Jewish neighborhood within walking distance from a busy city street. I want a husband. I want lots of kids. I want to sing when I'm manic and play piano when I'm depressed. I want to cook food, eat food, play football, scream at hockey refs, read Bible stories to my kids, kick and scream when I'm praying, tell people there's more hope than they realize. I don't want to feel old when I'm 40. I want to welcome strangers. Welcome friends. I want people to know they can come to my house if they need a place to crash. I want to change every part of the world that I touch, even if it's just 1 degree closer to holy.

And I want to pay the bills.

I just happen to think I can have fun and do what I love while doing it.

Am I crazy?

To those who had plans for me

2010-04-29T01:08:00.003-04:00

i've become inconsistent
i've stopped keeping my word
this new course of action has taken yet another turn
i'm afraid i'll let you down
i'm afraid i'll be wrong
i'm afraid
i'm afraid
i'm afraid
i'm afraid
but i need to move on
i'll probably see you around
i hope it isn't weird
i'd say i'm most afraid to lose you
but it's your opinion that i fear
and i hope you still love me
and say nice things about me
as i learn to love me too
i wonder what it's like to disagree with you
and for my answer to be true

long on butterflies, short on cocoons

2010-03-09T22:27:00.001-05:00

I saw the butterfly flutter by
and marveled at its tapestry
of colors I would have never paired
yet danced together beautifully

so often I see butterflies
and forget the once upon a times…

a season ago I would have seen
the caterpillar inching by
or perhaps to say more accurately
I would have not seen nor asked why

such small insignificant larvae
rarely catch a second eye

the tiny creature, unmajestic
some girls squirm and turn to run
but he keeps inching, crawling, searching
for the tree branch to be hung

the loveliest metamorphoses
begin with death upon a tree

the caterpillar to the butterfly
logic (not science) says it must not be
magic (not faith) says it’s a mystery
hope (not resignation) says this is me

thus I glorify the butterfly
and cherish the one it’s locked inside

Listening can be extremely rewarding

2010-01-12T21:10:00.003-05:00

One of my 100 New Years Resolutions is to listen better, to listen WITHOUT figuring out how I will reply midway through the person's sentence. I have learned a lot about people today. Here are some of the conversations.

#1. I asked a elementary school kid to answer this question on a test:
Me: "Finish this sentence: I can always count on God to..."
Kid: "...forgive my sins."

Wow. I wish I always counted on that.

#2. Talking with high school students about whether technology (Facebook, Myspace, etc) has increased out ability to connect with others or decreased. The overwhelming response was decrease. Then one girl wondered if we'd ever get to the point where we didn't see anyone ever, with all things accessible by web. And one girl said, "If that happens, it will probably happen we we don't even realize. We'll wake up and realize, wow, I haven't seen you in a while and you live 4 houses down."

Made me wonder, how much of my life will change without me even noticing?

#3. Talked with some guys who spend the day walking all over town because "when you don't have a stable food source, you have to keep walking around to survive." I had never thought of that. I thought driving down the hill to Giant Eagle was a pain.

God gave you twice as many ears as you have a mouth, which means you listen twice as much as you speak. From an audiology standpoint, one would argue its so you can localize sound. But, it's humbling what I learned in a day when I stopped worrying about speaking and actually desired to listen.

Soulgasms

2010-01-10T22:59:00.003-05:00

Okay. I'm going to ask we all be adults as we read this blog. If you're not sure you can do it, just go to the part in quotations.

From time to time, I experience something I call a "soulgasm". This usually occurs after reading a particular passage in Scripture or a book or a song, in which my soul completely releases and I feel a deep surrender to the Lord followed by intense contentment and peace.

Tonight, I had a soulgasm. It came from reading "Confessions" from St. Augustine. The specific quote was this:

"In all the things that I go over when I go to you for counsel I find no safe place for my soul except in you. There I can gather my scattered pieces, nor is any part of me lost from you."

So after reading this, all I wanted to do was lay in bed and meditate on the Lord: how he is merciful, patient, and keeps all our pieces when we return to him to be put back together. And I finally found contentment in solitude.

I found the chapter I was originially looking for after my soulgasm, which is fitting as it is about stillness. I'll share it with you, and maybe you can have a soulgasm of your own.

"Let's suppose the tumult of one's flesh were to fall silent.
that the vain illusions of earth, waters and air were to fall silent,
that the sky were to fall silent.
Let us suppose that one's very soul were to fall silent,
and by not thinking about itself,
were to transcend itself;

suppose all dreams and revelatory images,
all tongues and symbols,
all that comes to be by passing away were to fall silent
- for all these things say to whoever listens,

"We did not make ourselves (Psalm 99.3)
'our Maker is he who abides for ever' (Ps. 32.11)

Let us suppose that they were to fall silent
having aroused us with these words to listen to their Maker;

suppose also that he, the Maker, were to speak
- he alone, not through things he has made but through himself,
so that we could hear his word;
not through fleshly tongue nor through angels' voice
not through the sound of the thunder (Ps. 76.18)
nor through the riddle of a parable
but suppose we could hear him whom we love for all these things,
but without all these things,
just as even now we stretched out and with souring contemplation
attained the eternal Wisdom that abides above all things.

Let us suppose also that this state were to be prolonged
and that other, far inferior visions were removed
and this one vision were to enrapture and swallow up
and hide the beholder in itself
so that life would eternally be as this moment of understanding for which we sighed
would such a state not be what is meant by the words,
Enter into your Master's joy (Math. 25.21)?

...the world and all its pleasures became to us at our words a thing disprized

Not Alone - New Song

2010-01-04T17:43:00.004-05:00

Not Alone - music/lyrics by Elise Hindmarsh

I get into arguments with the voices in my head
fist fights with ghosts in the mirror, on the bed
Jesus seems outnumbered when I call to Him
with legions of demons hanging on my limbs

and I know I’m not alone
no I know I’m not alone
with all the madmen in the world
I’m not alone

the radio keeps condemning me
for the love I gave away willingly
and that love is for fools or day dream believers
but whether its lost or its found, no one understands love any clearer

so I know I’m not alone
no I know I’m not alone
with all the lovers in the world
I’m not alone

I walk into church and hear the same 4 songs
I usually sing harmony but I don’t sing along
the reverend tells us that God is love
and each person made Jesus break his body, spill his blood

So I know I’m not alone
no I know I’m not alone
with all the sinners in the world
I’m not alone so

I know I’m not alone
yes I know I’m not alone
with all you people in the world

Twas the day before Christmas...

2009-12-24T11:23:00.002-05:00

Twas the day before Christmas and all through my home,
I prayed that this Christmas no one feels alone.

That Jesus would be proclaimed with His love,
without conditions or favortism or "you're not good enough."

That gifts would be given straight from the heart,
no matter if bought from Goodwill or Walmart.

That Christians would be humbled by the sight of the manger,
remembering that Jesus did the same despite danger

And that I could forgive with true peace in my heart,
and today is as good as any day to start.

In response...

2009-12-16T21:55:00.002-05:00

I feel I need to respond to my own post. I realize that we cannot make anyone change, let alone a period of time almost 60 years ago. I must start with myself. Take the plank out of my own eye. Thank you "Sing Off" for singing "Man in the Mirror."

Be the change you want to see.

I picked up a book last night...

2009-12-16T17:27:00.003-05:00

I forget how much I love to read. I'm one of those people who around the holiday's realizes the wealth of knowledge at my disposal and asks for 5-1o books. I can tell you that all of those books are currently sitting on my shelf, and I have read a total of 1.

I decided to pick up #2 last night. It's called "The Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid." I love kids, and I've been in a lame mood lately, so I thought this would be a perfect way to suspend my reality a bit and focus on the joy of childhood.

I didn't finish the 1st chapter, in disgust.

Let me share with you the first couple pages I read, and maybe you'll understand why I felt too sick to move forward. I'll put my thoughts in [ ].

"I can't imagine there has ever been a more gratifying time or place to be alive than America in the 1950s. No country had ever known such prosperity. [really?] When the war ended the United States had $26 billion worth of factories that hadn't existed before the war, $140 billion in savings and war bonds just waiting to be spent, no bomb damage [feel kinda bad for the devestated families of Europe and Japan], and practically no competition. All that American companies had to do was stop making tanks and battleships and start making Buicks and Frigidaires - and boy did they. [woo hoo, just what we need!]

"...almost 90% of American families had refigerators, and nearly 3/4 had washing machines, telephones, vacuum cleaners, and gas or elective stoves - things that most of the rest of the world coul still only fantasize about. [and we're proud of that?] Americans owned 80% of teh world's electrical goods, controlled 2/3 of the world's productive capacity, produced more than 40 percent of its electricity, 60 percent of its oil, and 66 percent of its steel. The 5 percent of people on Earth who were Americans had more wealth than the other 95 percent combined. [I'm starting to feel sick...]

"...We became the richest country in the world without needing the rest of the world." [..while everyone else might need our help]

"...In 1951, the average American ate 50% more than the average European." [that explains our obesity rate]

"...They'd all have a good laugh...and then sit around drinking iced tea and talking appliances for an hour or so. [No other pressing issues around the world or anything?] No human being had ever been quite this happy before."

That last line did me in. Even writing it makes me feel sick. I understand historically that we had just helped end a war and people were happy. I understand that historically we had just come out of the Great Depression. I understand that the author is just trying to convey how great a time it was to be born in the year 1951. But it was hard for me not to read this and not think "America the Beautiful" but "America the Glutton."

I don't bash my country much, if at all. We have great freedom, great resources, great healthcare (for those who can afford it), great education, and overall great people. But these words on pg. 5-6 made me think, "Wow, so often we live in this bubble, and completely forget the rest of the world is NOT like this."

Keep in mind right now I am somewhat sensitive having followed a guy my age doing a hunger strike for 9 days to raise money for deworming meds for starving children. I told another friend I feel like I experience Norman Rockwell's Christmas inside, and then I step outside and am reminded how not everywhere has a Christmas tree, lights, feasts of appetizers, and jingle bells.

Sorry if I'm sounding pessimistic. I swear I'm not bitter. I think I'm just becoming more aware.

I'll leave you today with the lyrics of a Christmas song I heard on the radio as yet another reminder from the Lord about the state of things (yes, the Lord still speaks to me via radio). God bless. Be aware. Do good.

But say a prayer
Pray for the other ones
At Christmas time it's hard
But when you're having fun
There's a world outside your window
And it's a world of dread and fear
Where the only water flowing
Is the bitter sting of tears
And the Christmas bells that ring
There are the clanging chimes of doom
Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you

And there won't be snow in Africa
This Christmas time
The greatest gift they'll get this year is life
Where nothing ever grows
No rain nor rivers flow
Do they know it's Christmas time at all?

Feed the world...

Reconciliation this Christmas

2009-12-14T01:03:00.002-05:00

And so this is Christmas, and what have you done?

As a worship leader, I have been challenged to actually read the words of th carols I incorporate into the worship list. I was listening today intently to the lyrics for "Hark the Harold Angels Sing" and heard the line, "God and sinners reconciled."

Instead of getting all philisophical, I'm going to get to the point. If I am celebrating the season in which God reconciled me to him through Jesus, I feel as though it is also necessary that I seek to reconcile myself to others.

Sometimes this is not a huge ordeal. It may have been that you've really lacked on your share of the apartment responsiblities (which I have done). It may have been that you allowed your tongue to get out of hand and spoke ill of someone that you actually care about deeply even if you disagree with them on various levels (which I have done). Maybe you forgot to put the toilet seat down (which I have not done, thank you.)

But sometimes it is a huge deal. Maybe you stopped talking to someone out of bitterness (which I have done). Maybe you stood by as someone got totally verbally annihilated and just by listening partook in their abuse (which I have done). Maybe you've done something else that doesn't need broadcasted on a blog post (which I have done).

My prayer for myself and for us during this season is that we would seek to be reconciled to eachother. Even if that means going to your closest friends and asking, "I love you, I care about you, I'd do anything for you, but what have I not done? Have I offended you in any way? What can I do to make our relationship the way it should be? How can I honor you better?" Even if you're not sure you've done anything, I assure you that even the gesture can be a breath of fresh air.

There are some reconciliations that require time, and reconciliation/forgiveness cannot be forced. But if the Holy Spirit puts someone on our hearts, and gives us peace that seeking that reconciliation is possible, I hope we follow through.

Peace on earth, good will towards men. May the Spirit prepare our way as we prepare his.

Marriage Counseling...new song

2009-07-13T11:48:00.006-04:00

if you're tired, so am i
i'm not sure sure if i lied
when i said i'd walk with you forever

some say the road should be easy
some say expect the pain
i'm not sure who to believe when i can't predict the weather

for better or for worse
in sickness and in health
for poorer or for richer
well i never wanted wealth
but worse seems so scary
when best is all i've known
but if it's time to grow, i want to grow

if waiting is an action word
maybe silence is the best conversation
when no words seem to help

can two different people
learn to become one
and die to but no lose themselves

for better or for worse
in sickness and in health f
or poorer or for richer
well i never wanted wealth
but worse seems so scary
when best is all i've known
but if it's time to grow, i want to grow

patience is a virtue
i always said i never had
the fact is i'm learning, and i think i've made headway

and he found me as i was
and he loves me as i am
and he wants me to never be the same

for better or for worse
in sickness and in health
for poorer or for richer
well i swear i never wanted wealth
but worse seems so scary
when best is all i've known
but if it's time to grow, i want to grow

A Letter to Elise

2009-06-26T01:18:00.004-04:00

I wrote this blog entry on my myspace page back in August, nearly a year ago. I needed to hear it again. Funny how words come back to haunt us...this time, in a good way.

August 16, 2008

Open your hearts to us; we have wronged no one, we have corrupted no one, we have taken advantage of no one. I do not say this to condemn you, for I said before that you are in our hearts, to die together and to live together. I have great confidence in you; I have great pride in you; I am filled with comfort. With all our affliction, I am overjoyed. (2 Corinthians 7:2-4)

I wish I could have the same spirit as Paul when he speaks to the Christians of various towns. The epistles were written because people we screwing up, making mistakes, being led astray despite his work to show them the accurate gospel of Jesus Christ. And yet, this insane behavior does not create a heart of bitterness in Paul. Instead he states simply, "I have great confidence in you; I have great pride in you; I am filled with comfort."

I wish I could say this to my friends who fall habitually into sin. I wish I could say, "I'm proud of you," when they start behaving like maniacs. But then again, when I was in my downward spirals, I desperately wanted someone to believe in me. I needed the affirmation of love. So Paul gives. And so I want to give to my friends as well.

When someone believes in you, you can't help but feel the slightest bit empowered. If someone believes in me, I at least wonder what they could see that perhaps I don't see. We all need someone to see us beyond ourselves, because way too frequently we're egotistical cry babies.

Paul says that in Christ, we no longer see the world thru human eyes, but thru the eyes of God. Maybe that's where believing in sinners (ncluding myself) comes from. God sees me thru the blood of Christ, not the blood on my hands. I can be proud of my friends, and have confidence in them, because I know the Lord does not give up on those he has called according to His good purpose.

Maybe that's why Paul can say, "I have great confidence in you; I have great pride in you; I am filled with comfort." Maybe his words weren't a reflection on their behavior, but a reflection of the hope found in the Holy Spirit that He is faithful to complete the work he began in us. And maybe Paul's role was not to judge, or to condemn, but to just encourage. To help the people of Corinth see beyond themselves, and to the cross, just like Jesus.

So this gift of encouragement, God…help me be proud of those who have lost their pride, to have confidence in those who have lost heart, and to have comfort for those who can't stand being in their own skin. If you won't give up on them, neither shall I.

Revolutionaries: Juan Mann, Lennon, and Jesus

2009-06-02T18:38:00.004-04:00

You say you want a revolution
Well, you know we all want to change the world
You tell me that it's evolution
Well, you know we all want to change the world
But when you talk about destruction
Don't you know that you can count me out
Don't you know it's gonna be all right

You say you got a real solution
Well, you know we'd all love to see the plan
You ask me for a contribution
Well, you know we're doing what we can
But when you want money for people with minds that hate
All I can tell is brother you have to wait
Don't you know it's gonna be all right

-John Lennon, Revolution

Will you change the world through love or hate?

Will you build a new bridge by burning an old one or fixing the rotting wood?

Will you remove opposition by destroying the enemy or making friends?

How will you be a revolutionary?

When the disciples asked Jesus if they could destory His opponents by calling on Heaven's fire (Luke 9:53-56), Jesus rebuked them, and said He came to save and not destroy. When Judas had determined in his mind to betray Jesus, and Jesus was aware of it, Jesus washed Judas' feet just like he did with his friends. (John 13:2-5) When Jesus was arrested, his disciple cut off one of the enemy party's ear. Jesus rebuked his disciple and put the ear back on the man (Luke 22:47-51).

Jesus was a revolutionary. And yet at all times when His disciples called for violence, Jesus responded in the opposite spirit: love.

At these moments, I realize that I am too much like a disciple, and not enough like Christ. May my heart be changed, and by loving even my enemies, be a revolutionary.

The world knows how to hate. We need revolutionaries to show what it means to love.

I Will Be Stainless Steel

2009-05-29T23:31:00.002-04:00

Jesus tells stories through parables. God still speaks to me through similies and metaphors.

I was washing my dishes and was cleaning this stainless steel pot. As the water and soap washed away the grim and dried macaroni and cheese, the Holy Spirit reminded me of a verse somewhere that says we should be careful not be stained by the world. Got me thinking of how followers of Jesus might be liked stainless steel pots.

A stainless steel pot is useful for many things: cooking, boiling, simmering. And the use of this pot is often for the benefit of others, primarily filling my belly. But in the process of being used for the purpose of which it was designed, it get's dirty....grimy...not so attractive...and occasionally, smelly. But then you mix some water with soap, grab a sponge, and it becomes clean and shiny. Sometimes you have to soak it a little bit in the hot water, but eventually, all the grim comes off, and it's ready to be used again.

This is how I'm similar. God made me for a purpose, and in my opinion, that purpose is to bless others (you'll notice that a pot doesn't make food for itself, but for other people). But sometimes when I'm being used, I get dirty. This world is a beautiful, but dirty place. Sometimes I buy into the lies of consumerism, sarcasm, orgasm, and all the other stuff that I run into on a daily basis when trying to shine Jesus' light without blinding people in the process.

And so what happens at the end of the day, when I come home and realize I got a bit dirty? I go to Jesus, and remind myself that by accepting His sacrifice on the cross for my sins, I am washed in His blood. And by repentance, by deciding to turn away from all those "asms" not matter how difficult it might be, I am forgiven and made new. Daily made new.

There are times when I am so ashamed of the grime I've collected that I don't go to my Savior right away. Instead, out of my shame, I just leave it there and try to ignore it. But eventually it starts to fester, grows deeper. But it can still be cleaned. I can still be made new. The "refiner's fire" might take a bit longer because by now an isolated incident might have started to spread and multiply to other areas of my life, but Jesus is faithful to forgive if we give ourself to Him.

So yeah. Haha, Mr. Clean has NOTHING on Jesus. And I want to be a stainless steel pot.

Lord Jesus, You see I patiently wait

Come now, and within me a new heart create

To those who have sought You,

You never said No

Now wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.

- Hymn #319

Follow Thru - New Song

2009-04-26T17:01:00.006-04:00

I wrote this after thinking about ways in which I want to be in relationship with people. After "finishing the song" I felt something was missing, and added the third line in the chorus. I dedicate this song as a prayer for missionaries, whether by title or in heart, as an encouragement to follow through in relationships with people, especially with those who are harder to relate for whatever reason. To love someone may be a decision, but I believe it should develop into a heart condition. Never give up hope that you can learn love someone well.

I hope I never presume
to understand the things I know so little
but I hope that what I do know I will not hide
believing it might be too big for you to handle

I hope that I encourage
lift you up with what I say and do
and leave you with a better peace of mind
and be incarnate of a balanced love and truth

i may not understand you
but I hope you help me to
and maybe the heart will follow thru
but if my ignorance becomes me
please forgive me
I’m learning, too

I want to learn to say I’m sorry
when I offend my fellow man
I confess that most of this my pride
sometimes it’s easier to take someone down than to stand

I want to think for myself
without ignoring sound advice
and love those who loved me enough to get in my way
without them I wouldn’t be half as wise

i may not understand you
but I hope you help me to
and maybe the heart will follow thru
but if my ignorance becomes me
please forgive me
I’m learning, too

There are places I remember...

2009-04-07T12:30:00.002-04:00

There are place I remember all my life, though some have changed. And I have changed. It's a good Beatles song, but one line is all too true for me:

And these mem'ries lose their meaning when I think of love as something new.

As a resident nomad, I have been blessed to have built community wherever I've been, though it be painful and at times heartwrentching. But just like the model airplane or Barbie doll house that was once such a part of my growth, I grow older and set these communities on a shelf. Occasionally I see the faces and smiles, and the echos of laughter. But as time passes, the echoes get softer and the faces are more blurred as they collect dust. And as I play in my new community, the past becomes that...the past...and I rarely look back, or desire to return.

I am a compartmentalizer. Each season of my life does not flow into the next, but is boxed up like spring cleaning. "Oh, that was the friendships of '06. Kind of out of style now." I think it's easier for me to deal with the pain of the loss, by compartmentalizing. If these friendships or community was only meant for THAT period of time, then it would be unnecessary to still feel an attachment during THIS period of time.

I think I'm flawed in this thinking, to an extent. Friendships do come and go, communities as well. However, I completely cut the strings. Not maliciously, but as a way to fully invest in what is before me. I think I'm wrong.

Jesus knew what this was like. His community so to speak was the 12 disciples. They went with him everywhere. And as the time with this community was coming to a close, He prayed to the Father, "Now I am departing the world; I am leavning them behind and coming to you. Holy Father, keep them and care for them - all those you have given me - so they will be united just as we are...Father I want these whom you've given me to be with me, so they can see my glory." (John 17:11,24, NLT)

I think my prayers have been different: "Father, I'm leaving (insert city here). I'm moving on to the next place You've called me to go. Father, keep them and care for them - all those You've given to me as a community. I'm sure I'll see them later, but if that doesn't happen, I wish them the best and wash my hands of it."

I want to learn how to continue to love from a distance. That it's okay to miss a community of people, and that doesn't make me ungrateful for where the Lord has me. I miss my community in Bloomington, the people of YWAM Pursuits, and I love the growing community of Pittsburgh. There's a place in my heart for all. And maybe not in a compartmental way, but in a shared appreciation. And if that means I physically feel the loss of proximity (as I am starting to feel now), that's okay. It does not make my ungrateful for what I have. The pain recognizes that it was good, and when good things go, there's a sadness. I guess that's a normal chain reaction that I don't allow myself to feel for long.

The Beatles end their song saying, "I know I'll never lose affection for people and things that went before. I know I'll often stop and think about them..." In my life, I'll love them all.

God sends me messages thru the radio

2009-02-24T00:30:00.005-05:00

Last night, my dad said that a clear symptom for schizophrenia was that a person might feel they were getting messages through the radio. Dang it, I thought...that happens to me all the time! And guess what, folks...it happened to me today :)

I've been having a terrible time praying lately. I know that I'm called to pray, talk to God a lot, be an intercessor, whatever your particular vernacular is. The thing is, I have a terrible time doing it. I was laying in my bathtub last night and just TRYING to get some words out, but I didn't even know where to start. It had nothing to do with finding the right words or the right awesome Christian line to say. I seriously had no words, and the ones I did have got stuck behind my teeth. Lord, help me, I thought.

This afternoon I was driving down Rt. 28 and knew that I needed to break through these walls. HOLY SPIRIT! I screamed softly in my car. Break down these walls. I know I can't do it myself, because if I could, I would have done it by now. I clawed my way with my tongue through simple statements of who God was: God is good, all the time. God is patient. God is love. It wasn't that I didn't believe what I was saying, but it was just SO hard to get the words out. Oh Lord, I need help. Yet as I prayed these simple words, I noticed the song on the radio. It was Aretha Franklin's "Spirit in the Dark".

I particularly heard the repeating chorus:

Start getting the Spirit

the Spirit in the dark

So that was awesome. The Holy Spirit was whispering in my ear, "You're going to start getting me in this dark time, Elise. So be ready. Start getting the Spirit." Yeah, it was cool.

At 7:30pm I went to the Bible study in the Tattoo Shop. First off, it's awesome that there is a Bible study in the basement of at tattoo shop, although it's a shame that the concept is such a novel idea. I think there should be more Bible Studies in more local shops, but hey, this is awesome. The community is always real, and sometimes quiet, but I managed to hold my tongue for at least the first study.

Anyways, my friendly acquaintance Denman began the study humbly stating his weakness of public speaking, and continued with one of the most amazing mini sermons that I've ever heard. It's not really a sermon, but more of a "this is what i've been thinkin about, and I think it can encourage you as God used it to encourage me" type deals: and now...discuss. The topic was on honesty, faith, and love. It won't unpack it for you, but hopefully if you know any of us that attend the study, you'll see the Spirits impact in the way we live our lives from this day forward.

The entire conversation was so filled with the Holy Spirit. People started bearing their souls (or at least a shade deeper than the tip of the iceberg). We talked about Lent, what we needed in our lives to get straight, how to maintain true humility while encouraging others in the victories in our lives, how we struggle with Jesus's love in the religiosity of Christianity, and were flipping through Scriptures (which I LOVE).

And then a miracle happened: one of the girls, Emma, mentioned how much she liked to pray, and asked people to send her prayer requests so she could pray for them. EUREKA!!! I immedately saw this as a Godsend opportunity for me to hook up with someone and pray WITH them, considering how hard it's been for me to pray alone. Call it my paralytic moment when I needed friends to bring me into Christ's presence. She and I agreed to find a time during the week to pray together. A-mazing.

So I like to have some circular closure to a day, so of course I couldn't start the day with a schizophrenic moment and not end it with one as well. I drove home after the study, and at this point, Lent was on the brain. What am I going to give up? It's not a legalistic thing for me, but discipline to experience some kind of suffering like Christ. It's really none of anyone's business what I'm going to fast, but as I drove home debating the specific idea in my head, I heard these lyrics:

Everybodys got a hungry heart

Lay down your money and you play your part

Everybodys got a hungry heart

Everybody needs a place to rest

Everybody wants to have a home

Dont make no difference what nobody says

Aint nobody like to be alone

Everybodys got a hungry heart
Everybodys got a hungry heart
Lay down your money and you play your part
Everybodys got a hungry heart

I personally felt that the Lord was confirming what I was thinking about. He was reminded me that everyone of us have hungry hearts, and we search for satisfaction in those certain things. And that's what I think fasting is about: replacing your satisfaction of one thing with God, who ultimately satisfies our hunger anyways.

So there you have it. God speaks in mysterious ways, and answers our prayers, even as we're fighting for the words to speak. Good thing the Holy Spirit hears us when we have no words. God's good like that, all the time.

Tell them I love them

2009-01-09T21:40:00.001-05:00

Tell them I love them

Tell them it was done so they would come,

free from condemnation

Tell them they were not forgotten

That it was done because I remembered

what would happen between now and then

Tell them I miss them

Tell them I never left them

Tell them they walked away and I cried

Tell them I love them

Tell them I don't want to control them

Tell them I will not abuse them

Tell them I am not waiting for fancy words

Tell them "I'm sorry" can break the bondage

Tell them I am not looking for acts of servicebut hearts of worship

Tell them I am greater than their hearts

Tell them I love them

Waiting for Movement

2008-12-27T06:03:00.002-05:00

I haven't written in a while, but now, having internet free and an unlimited time, I thought I'd share my evening God revelation.

I have a confession to make: I haven't been making much time for God. It's been really hard to read my Bible, it's been really hard to pray, and it's been really hard to just BE with Him. So tonight, after arriving in New Zealand after an amazing month in Fiji, I decided to grab a guitar and sit underneath the stars and humbly come before God in the way I know best: music.

I laid down on the picnic bench and God reminded me how amazing His creation is. I missed the star scattered nights of New Zealand. I started singing a few worship songs, and suddenly I saw a shooting star. Awesome! I sang another one, and there was another star! Three songs later, another star! Then I started praying, confessing, asking forgiveness, and there was another one. I felt as if the Lord was confirming what I was singing, as if each star was a sign of His recognition. It was amazing.

But I also sensed that the Lord was reminding me of something about how He works. You see, I just got back from Fiji, which was amazing, but I was honestly disappointed that I didn't see huge massive amounts of people healed, coming to the Lord, hitting their knees in repentance. I saw the stars representing the multitudes of people lost, scattered on the earth. God did tell Abraham that his descendants would be like the stars in the sky.

But admist all the stars standing still, not moving, were those few shooting stars. God showed me that the shooting stars were the fruit of God, the changed lives in people. And he gave me two insights into the nature of these stars:

1. I can't expect results immediately. I had to keep looking for these stars, not just wait five minutes expecting a meteor shower to occur. In 30 minutes, I saw only 5 shooting stars in a multitude of thousands. But each shooting star was beautiful. And that is the nature of how God bears fruit. It takes time, and it's in His timing. We just have to be patient and keep our eyes open.

2. The shooting stars happened while I was praising God, while I was praying. This is the same with people. If I praise God, if I pray, I will see changes in people's lives as well.

So those are my thoughts tonight. God is good, all the time. Especially on starry, starry nights :) Gute nacht.

If I had let my eyes decide

2008-08-19T17:27:00.002-04:00

I once met an old man who was wrinkled, white, and grey
If I had let my eyes decide, I would have walked away
His stories were of adventure, and mystery and love
And his crows feet grew from praying to the sky and Son above
the whisky on his breath keeps him sober through the day
if I had let my eyes decide, I'd have had too much to say

I once met a woman with stains on all her clothes,
If I had let my eyes decide, I would have gone back home
She told me of the tears that have soaked her tattered skirt,
Her child is at school, and then comes home to sleep in dirt
The coins that line her pockets feed the lining in her stomach
If I had let my eyes decide, I'd have thought quite little of it

I once met a boy with colors on his arm
If I had let my eyes decide, I'd have thought he meant me harm
He told me that his pictures were the still frames of his life
That gave him strength and character for his future, Christian wife
His hope is just to love the ones the world chose to ignore
If I had let my eyes decide, I would have expected more

I once met a girl with a sweater for each season
If I had let my eyes decide, I'd have not asked for a reason
She told me that each sweater hides the scars on both her wrists
And her entourage of friends conceals the only one she'll miss
And soon she won't need sweaters, or even a change of clothes
If I had let my eyes decide, I would have never known

I meet so many people but we never truly meet
I jump to my conclusions as I pass them on the street
I'd never ask them questions, I'd simply just assume
That the way the look must dictate who they were straight from the womb
If I had let my eyes decide, how would I see within
How can I find the heart of man, if all I see is skin

IPOY

2008-08-16T12:40:00.000-04:00

August 16, 2008

Open your hearts to us; we have wronged no one, we have corrupted no one, we have taken advantage of no one. I do not say this to condemn you, for I said before that you are in our hearts, to die together and to live together. I have great confidence in you; I have great pride in you; I am filled with comfort. With all our affliction, I am overjoyed. (2 Corinthians 7:2-4)

I wish I could have the same spirit as Paul when he speaks to the Christians of various towns. The epistles were written because people we screwing up, making mistakes, being led astray despite his work to show them the accurate gospel of Jesus Christ. And yet, this insane behavior does not create a heart of bitterness in Paul. Instead he states simply, “I have great confidence in you; I have great pride in you; I am filled with comfort.”

I wish I could say this to my friends who fall habitually into sin. I wish I could say, “I’m proud of you,” when they start behaving like maniacs. But then again, when I was in my downward spirals, I desperately wanted someone to believe in me. I needed the affirmation of love. So Paul gives. And so I want to give to my friends as well.

When someone believes in you, you can’t help but feel the slightest bit empowered. If someone believes in me, I at least wonder what they could see that perhaps I don’t see. We all need someone to see us beyond ourselves, because way too frequently we’re egotistical cry babies.
Paul says that in Christ, we no longer see the world thru human eyes, but thru the eyes of God. Maybe that’s where believing in sinners comes from. God sees me thru the blood of Christ, not the blood on my hands. I can be proud of my friends, and have confidence in them, because I know the Lord does not give up on those he has called according to His good purpose.

Maybe that’s why Paul can say, “I have great confidence in you; I have great pride in you; I am filled with comfort.” Maybe his words weren’t a reflection on their behavior, but a reflection of the hope found in the Holy Spirit that He is faithful to complete the work he began in us. And maybe Paul’s role was not to judge, or to condemn, but to just encourage. To help the people of Corinth see beyond themselves, and to the cross, just like Jesus.

So this gift of encouragement, God…help me be proud of those who have lost their pride, to have confidence in those who have lost heart, and to have comfort for those who can’t stand being in their own skin. If you won’t give up on them, neither shall I.

Shout Out

2008-08-04T18:13:00.002-04:00

I just wanted to make a shout out to the woman who waited in the Bruggers store to watch my computer as I was in the bathroom.

Psychology class taught me that you should always designate someone to be in charge of your stuff if you have to leave for a moment. Otherwise, a theif is more likely to succeed in stealing your stuff, even if a slew of people know it doesn't belong to him or her, but you instead. Therefore, I always ask strangers to look out for my stuff if I have to leave. Don't worry, I don't make a habit of this. But when a girls gotta go, a girls gotta go.

So, I write this because in all the hell that is here on earth, there are still heavenly beings willing to lend a helping hand. I chose this lady because I thought she'd be taking more time to eat her sandwich. But while I was gone, she finished, but decided to stick around because she had a responsibility, even though she had every right to renig on that and go on with her evening.

So thank you, helpful lady, for spending few more minutes watching my laptop while I was on the potty. I greatly appreciate you, and hope someone watches out for you as well.

God bless, and be a blessing!

Choice Between Songs

2008-08-01T01:47:00.003-04:00

There are times where you have the responsibility to decide between two choices: will I eat now or have a glass of water? Will I watch Law and Order Criminal Intent or Special Victims Unit? Will I go to sleep or write a blog to express my feelings? Hmm...

Some choices are more difficult, or at least more crucial: Will I decide to talk smack about someone or decide to build them up, even though I feel about "this" small in their eyes? Will I choose to resort to old habits and fixes or quickly exit the screen before I send a message I will regret? Will I dwell on resentment or plead to feel forgiveness?

Tonight, I have a choice between two songs: one about love and friendship, the other about bitternes and disappointment. One song was written early in the morning, and the other song was written to end the evening. One song I felt 12 hours ago, and the other I feel right now. But one song will encourage people who read it, and the other song will just make me feel entitled and potentially make others feel bad, and all so I can have a nice pity party because things don't go my way.

That's a pretty selfish, egotistical justification for behavior.

So, against my true feelings, but in honor of that which I wish I felt, I am posting the first song. Mainly, because the first song (in the end) overrides the latter by a landslide. I dedicate it to all my friends who I hope I never have to let go of. And what's nice is that I don't have to try that hard to hold on, either :) Thanks, girls :)

Best of Conversations
by Elise Hindmarsh, July 31 2008

Is it alright if I stop by for a little while?
Is it enough if I just want to see your smile?
Because tonight I don’t want to say a word
Yet I know that when I’m with you I’ll be heard

Can I come by and crash for a little bit
And not feel the need to entertain the one I’m with
But just sit here on the bed and for once be still instead
Of filling every pause because I’m nervous

And I’ve heard that the best friends to have
Give a shoulder to cry on
Even when hurt in the past
Can still be relied on
And even in silence can have
The best of conversations

And I can tell you all my secrets and believe
That you’ll never bring them back around to haunt me
And you can be my sounding board of truth
And not say that I told you so when you say you knew

And I’ve heard that the best friends to have
Give a shoulder to cry on
Even when hurt in the past
Can still be relied on
And even in silence can have
The best of conversations

So thank you for allowing me to be
Exactly who I am, and still believe in me
And for picking things up from where we left off
And for constantly sending your unrelenting,
Beauty making, penetrating love

And I’ve heard that the best friends to have
Give a shoulder to cry on
Even when hurt in the past
Can still be relied on
And even in silence can have
The best of conversations

A Time and a Place

2008-07-28T01:22:00.003-04:00

I love the Sunday comics. I don't read the paper much, but I love the comics. Occasionally, I think that the comics hold bits and pieces of profound truth, which says to me that I'm reading something worthwhile, even if its not the political section.

For example, this afternoon I was reading Peanuts. I'm not sure how it is still in circulation as the cartoonist passed away, but I don't loose sleep on it. Anyways, the setting was the typical baseball field, where Charlie pitches and his friends, usually Lucy, are in the outfield.

The first frame shows Lucy ignoring a pop-up, as it falls two inches away from her. Charlie marches over (or so I assume as its hard to see moving action in a frame-by-frame cartoon), and starts chewing her out because she didn't go for the ball. When he demands an answer, Lucy's response is simple: "I was having my quiet time."

Now, in the Christian circle. a quiet time is when we spend time alone with God, separating ourselves from distractions so we can focus solely on talking, meditating, and just "hanging out" with the Lord. I'm sure that Peanuts wasn't using the phrase, "quiet time" in the same way, but it made me think: do we as Christians ignore our responsibilities and justify that by saying, "We were having our quiet time."

More specifically, do we focus so much on our relationship with the Lord and ignore what's going on around us? Do we latch onto the truth that salvation comes from a personal choice to follow Christ, and ignore the equal truth that it should move us to action in our world?

For instance: the two greatest commandments are love God...and then love others. Jesus calls His disciples to Himself...and then calls them to go into the world.

I know I've been feeling like this for a while. I've been more concerned about finding fellowship than thinking that maybe there's some good I can do while I'm waiting. I'm not sure one is better than the other. In fact, I wonder if both are meaningless without the other. And by meaningless, I mean how can we love God and not show that love to others? And how can we love others in a tangible AND eternal ways when we are not in a relationship with the eternal Savior?

We cannot ignore social justice and loving others and justify it saying that we were too busy developing our relationship with the Lord. We also cannot devote our entire lives to social justice, and ignore our relationship with the Lover of the world.

That's what it means to be a Christian. That is how we sum up the law of the Prophets: Love God and love others. Jesus never said we had an option between the two.

A Circus Life - Oakmont

2008-07-19T18:19:00.002-04:00

Last night was probably one of the greatest nights of my life. 6 of my friends drove from out of town to put on a benefit concert to raise money for the mission trip I'll be embarking this coming September. Not only that, but 110 people came to the sanctuary to hear the music, to support the mission, and to worship God thru the talents the Lord gave us.

It was also one of the most overwhelming events I've ever experienced...not because it was busy. But because of what it all meant to me afterwards.

I have been so desperate (yes...desperate) for friendship, fellowship, any-ship the past week, that every day I was thinking, "Oh my gosh, my friends are seriously driving into town!" At 5am, Jonathan arrived, and an hour later, the rest (Jeremy, Chris, Aaron, Carrie, Greg) followed suit. I was elated to see them pile out of the car. I'm pretty sure Chris said, "Don't be so cheery." We sat down and ate breakfast, carrying on in delusional conversation, most of which centered around Granny Lisben and sounds coming from the ketchup bottle.

As they were sitting around rehashing road trip stories, all I could do was just soak up every minute of being with them. I couldn't believe that they took 24 hours from their hectic lives(returning from Ghana, a orchestra concert, driving from Kentucky, and others) and come and play music...for free. For friendship. For their artistic selves. For God. For me. I'm sitting on my back porch right, really sad that only 18 hours before they filled these (once again) empty chairs. As I told my mom, I don't miss Bloomington. But man, I miss them so much.

We got to the church, and our worship leader Chad helped set everything up. My parents and sister and kids were running around, picking up doughnuts, setting up merchandise, distributing pledge cards, and finding the "perfect" spot for balloons. For a moment, I felt like the Carter Family band. All of my family was involved, and for nothing in return. I wasn't paying them. I wasn't begging them. I told them they didn't have to do it. But they did. For family. For God. For me. I have never been so appreciative of my family, so cognizant of how blessed I am to have their love and support. Again, overwhelmed.

The shows started at 7:40. We wanted to make sure the stragglers didn't miss the first song :) We came out on stage, and people started clapping. We hadn't even begun playing. I guess they were clapping because of what we were about to play. I dunno.

As I sang the first song, I started noticing faces: Mr and Mrs. Ostrowski, Barb, the Anstis family, Michael and Cindy. When we started "Circus Life" I had to fight back tears. These people, 110 in all, came to hear us. I know this sounds stupid, but it's different playing for peers than adults. I mean, friends support eachother, but adults have lives! They could have done anything that night. They didn't know the band, but they came to hear us. They didn't even have to pay to come. But they did. For music. For God. For worship. For me. Again...overwhelmed.

The concert ended at 10pm. Some of us went swimming, but most went to sleep because of their early drive. Chris and I had a great conversation by the pool. I've always loved him, purely as a brother from another mother. I hope he has some understanding of how much his friendship meant and still means to me, even when we don't talk for extended periods of time. I talked to a girl I used to "mentor" in high school. She's now married to a pastor, another guy I went to school with. It was "interesting" sitting with her again, just because we've changed so much. Growing up is just interesting in general :)

After everyone was asleep, my mom and sat and tallied the support. When we came to the final total, I just burst out crying. Yes...I, Elise Hindmarsh, allowed myself to cry. I couldn't hold it in anymore. The amount of support (both financially and in love) overwhelmed me. My friends drove from three different states to play with me again. My family worked really hard in prep stuff so I could focus on the music aspects. And people actually came to a concert. People paid to hear our music, in donations. People bought the CDs. People wanted us to go on tour, haha. People said they'd pray for me. And no one was forced. No one was guilted. No one was paid. And all of that, combined, made me feel something I haven't felt in a while...

I felt worth it. I felt worth someone's time. I felt worth someone's friendship. I felt my music was worth something to someone. People didn't just come, they worshipped. They didn't just say good job; they looked me in the eye and said they were blessed. My friends didn't just drive in, play and drive out. They laughed with me, talked with me, told me they enjoyed the concert, even when the "agenda" was over. I'm not sure if they know how much those interactions, above the music, meant to me. Especially when I felt I could offer so little in return.

Friday meant a lot more than music. Friday was one of the greatest forms of human love I have ever encountered. I hope that I have been able to express that adequately.

Thanks.

Lonely Nights

2008-07-09T23:32:00.002-04:00

The transition back to Oakmont has gone fairly well. But, as to be expected, there have been a few drawbacks.

One, I don't have 3 wonderful roommates that keep me entertained (or should I say, I keep entertained). Basically, I've found myself glued to my computer awaiting a friend to pop onto Skype, Facebook, or send me an email. It's a longing for connection. And probably Connexion as well.

Two, I'm starting to deal with my insomnia again. I can't fall asleep until about 1-2am, and I wake up repeatedly thru the night. That's always annoying, because then I don't actually get out of bed until noon, and I'm exhausted.

Three, I'm having anxiety dreams. Two nights ago, I dreamt that I was on my DTS, but it was set like the Real World, and all the girls hated me, got drunk, and then one made out with my dad. Then I grabbed her by the throat and slammed her against the wall, only to realize that this was all on camera (it was the Real World-DTS I guess), and that I was being a bad witness. Then, last night, I had a dream that I was hallucinating visions of our family friend who just recently passed away. I dreamt that I was having conversations with him, while I knew in the dream he was dead.

Fourth, I'm having trouble praying. I'm so busy "doing" that I don't stop and pray for direction. I suppose this is because I feel I already have my direction. But how often should a Christian pray for direction? When do we know that our wisdom and understanding is from Jesus and not our own? If I feel distant from the Lord, is that just because I'm used to being continuously surrounded by Christians, or that I really am distant from God? If it's only because I'm not in my Christian group now, does that mean that I rely on them too much for my relationship with God?

Ugh, so many questions. Maybe I should just lay in bed and just be still...and wait...and hope to either hear God speak or fall asleep. Does that sound sad?

Crowded in the Closet

2008-07-02T23:35:00.004-04:00

But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen...

I sat with an old friend at Denny's tonight (do I really have old friends at 23?). He caught me up on the current lives of the crowd we used to run with in early high school. Maybe it was gossip, I dunno. But story after story revealed how far we've all fallen. Ugh, that's a horrible way to say it. The stories I heard showed me how messed up our lives have the potential of becoming. And it's not isolated to certain "stereotypes" we saw in high school.

These are my friends from when we were supposed to be innocent, when the world was at our fingertips, and we all had huge dreams of fantastic things that probably would never be accomplished, and yet should have been enough to have us going someplace. Aim for the moon and if you miss, you'll hit the stars, right? No one suggests that you might fall down with them...

Was the conversation sad? Yes. Were the stories upsetting? But it made me hopeful to see that both of us, who have our fair share of demons to fight, are fighting. That some of us have made it through hell, and are trying in grace to stay out of it. And that either hearing or being a part of those stories, we still love the people in them. Not pity. I love them because I was them 8 years ago, and I am them now. We are no different, except for what we choose to settle for.

So it only seems appropriate that I share with all of you my most recent song. Jesus said that when we pray, we are to go in our rooms, or as some say, prayer closets. I have a lot of praying to do. I have to pray for myself, for my friends, for this screwed up world which honestly sucks sometimes. And guess what? We're not alone, whether we're the one praying or being prayed for. There are plenty of other people who are in the same boat...or closet. Pick whatever illustration you want.

Oh and I say this with as much pleading as a person can on a blog: do not be the friend who 8 years from now, your friends ask, "What happened....?" Fight it. Fight the complacency, the abuse, the crap that all the after school specials talked about. It's not worth it, and you are worth more. It will catch up with you, as it caught up with all of us. Shoot for the moon, and for Christ's sake (literally), get there. Just get there.

Crowded in the Closet
close the door, it's time to hide
come and seek and you will find
you're not the only one inside
it's awfully crowded
it's awfully crowded in the
it's awfully crowded in the closet

saints and sinners, lovers, whores
broken, prostrate on the floor
dust and ashes, garmets torn
it's awfully crowded
it's awfully crowded in the
it's awfully crowded in the closet

found yourself too far from home
wandering for a place to go
feeling lost, betrayed, alone
oh, we're not alone
it's awfully crowded
it's awfully crowded in the
it's awfully crowded in the closet

Rainbows in the Storm

2008-06-29T00:42:00.002-04:00

I drove back to Pittsburgh from IU this afternoon. As the afternoon progressed, the rainy weather did as well. The clouds in front of me, originally the "mashed potato clouds" I love so much, turned a bit more "impending doom clouds" than I don't like so much.

The sky turned darker, the the rain starting picking up. I looked in the rearview mirror to see that the sky behind me was a pretty pale blue, and the sun was starting to set as well. But the view in front of me was turning a grey-pink/orange/red mixture. I'm not sure I've ever seen it before in my life.

Yet as the "impending doom clouds" kept approaching, I saw a rainbow forming. What was really cool was that as I drove toward it, it got even bigger. What was even sweeter was that I realized that the rainbow arched COMPLETELY over my car, making a complete 1/2 circle on the horizon. And so this huge rainbow kept getting bigger, just as the storm threat fron the storm grew bigger. Seriously, it seemed like EVERYTHING was getting more intense: the shades of the colors, the clouds, the rain, the rainbow...

I couldn't help but sense the application of this scene to life. According to the Bible, the rainbow was God's visual promise that he would not flood the earth again, destroying all life. I can't imagine Noah's relief upon seeing the rainbow when it rained after the flood, considering the first time it rained, all life was wiped out minus his personal SS Minnow.

So what about those times in our lives, when we see the impending doom clouds and the threat of storms...do we see God's faithfulness, or only see the circumstances? Do we look for the rainbow, or focus on the darkening sky? Do we realize that God's faithfulness extends ACROSS the horizon, and cannot be fully hidden from us by any clouds, trials, demons, life, or death?

I don't, but I pray that God would show me how.

Spirit of Knowledge

2008-06-25T22:20:00.002-04:00

I am totally open to any correction in my logic for this blog. But regardless if I'm wrong or right, it was pretty awesome :)

We were in Bible Study, talking about angels. Interesting topic. Now, anyone who has been in a Bible study with me knows that I'm a talker. I'm always willing to dive in, ask the odd questions, apply with examples, etc. Well, at this particular moment we were reading the story of when Satan intices David to take a census of the town. I've read the story several times, and usually asked the same question: "God, why was this such a big deal?"

I had a feeling that this question might be posed. Immediately I could feel myself want to answer this hypothetically asked question. But then, I came to the Lord. "God, I confess that I am not a biblical scholar, nor do I have any understanding of the purpose of Old Testament censuses, nor do I know why it was bad to take one aside from the fact that you said no. So, in light of this, I'm going to sit this question out. But could you make it a bit clearer?"

So I started reading the passage, and as I read, new implications of the text started to fill my mind. The logic began to flow like a staircase: each step led to another, higher step. I saw that in taking a census, David was (in a sense) calculating all he had, his manpower, and that this knowledge could cause him to rely on this census, not on the Lord's provision. It could cause a person to say, "Oh no, I need more people" or "I am a weak kingdom" or "I am the most fantabulous ruler in the world!!!"

So as these ideas arranged themselvs in my mind, I still maintained a humble silence, because these ideas were (of course) my own, not from a seminary. How could I offer such "insight" as "wisdom" when I didn't even study this?

But then David, another member of our study, who has GONE to seminary, started answering this question, and his words were the thoughts in my head! I mean, literally! He said exactly what I was thinking!!

This incident reminded me that knowledge and wisdom is from the Lord. It also confirmed that I do believe that one of my gifts of the Spirit is knowledge, which is different from wisdom. The gift may not have fully matured, but I do believe that what happened this evening was from God. Not subconcious knowledge, not context clues, because I have never heard this talked about AND I had read this several times before.

No, this knowledge of OT census consequences was from God. Praise be to Him!

Dear God...

2008-06-24T21:27:00.002-04:00

Dear God,
There are about 3 more whole days left in Bloomington. I am so ready to go home.

I've started packing, and I look at all my belongings and think, "Why do I need these? Do I really use them?" I have tons of books that I've never read, but for some reason convince myself to keep them because I'll for sure read them. I have clothes that I rarely wear, but convince myself that someday I'll either fit in them or remember that they do go with those ONE pair of pants I have. I look at my papers, and wonder, do I even read these? Are they useful? Will I even remember that I have them?

In my preparation for New Zealand, You have reminded me of how much you have provided. How much I am blessed beyond the comprehension of those I may be minsitering to in 5 months. It's almost shameful. I wish that I could carry all of these clothes over to them, but then, what do Fijians need with long sleeve shirts and IU sweatshirts? There has got to be better use for them than Goodwill.

Father, you are showing me humility. Pressing it upon my heart like a weight, and yet I have yet to fall to my knees because of it. I guess falling to my laptop to write this prayer to you is a start. A fellow missionary asked for humility to learn from all of us, as she was the youngest. How ironic...I have been praying for humility so I can learn from those younger than me. I still struggle with age = maturity/wisdom. You've shown me over the years that the equation is certainly not true.

Through Facebook so many of us have gotten in touch already. I ask that You would bind my heart to desire only to know and pray for these people, not to make assumptions of their character and imagine who they will be when we meet. I also ask for strong community, by the power of your Holy Spirit, not by the niceities of being proper and polite. We can all see from the Real World that it never lasts anyways.

What does it mean to be in tune with Your will? What does it mean to follow the Holy Spirit? How do I recognize His promptings? Is it the voice in my head or the stirring of my heart, both of which can be labelled either hallucinations or emotional distraction. I saw a lady in Chicago who appeared to be carrying on conversations with real people, only I couldn't see them. From the psychiatric perspective one would immediately say, "Auditory and visual hallucinations." But how different am I than her, at least to the beholder? Writing this blog and saying words to a being that I cannot see, let alone anyone else.

Sometimes I'd really like to be in Moses' sandals. To see just a glimpse of your glory. Just a strand of Your robe. Just a flicker of the light that radiates from You. Just a note of your voice. Are you a soprano, or a bass? Your voice thunders, so probably a bass, huh? Do you sing? Can you beatbox? Haha, I bet you're awesome.

My friend told me today that she doesn't understand why I didn't run from her and her friendship. Lord, I'm not sure why you run to me, a prodigal daughter, wasting her pearls on swine, and yet whining and screaming out your name to come to my rescue.

George Carlin died yesterday. I saw his interview on the Actors Studio. They showed a clip about his rant on religion, where He says that religion convinced us that there's an invisible man in the sky, and among other things, needs our money. God, I know that you don't need money. You asked who could repay you? I think you told Job that you didn't need the blood of lambs or cattle offerings, because all the cattle of the hills are yours. But in raising support, it is obvious that your work on earth requires money, or at least a lot of it does. Money makes the world go around, and to travel to the unreached cities, one must fly or boat, which requires money. But it can't be You who needs it, as it is You who causes our hearts to give it to others who will use it for Your purposes. If you needed money, we'd put it in the offering plates and leave it in a backroom, never touching it. I guess I just feel sad that George Carlin felt betrayed by you, because I think that means we betrayed him somehow. Somehow we failed to show him, and others, who you really are.

I've hidden your word in my heart, but I pray that I do not keep it there only.

Love you.

Nothing Comes Out Right

2008-06-19T02:29:00.002-04:00

I leave Bloomington in 10 days. I wouldn't say I'm thrilled, but I'm ready to move on. Not from the people...I wish I could take most of them with me. But I suppose hellos and goodbyes are a natural part of growing up. But it's interesting to me how hard it has been to say both of these to this same group of people.

It was hard to say, "hello...I'm welcoming you into my messed up world, full of baggage, clutter, and explosions. I'm going to take the chance that you'll either slam the door in my face or run away screaming. I'm going to risk exposing parts of me that no one has ever seen, and those few who have rejected. Hello, I'm Elise."

And now it's hard to say, "goodbye...it was absolutely wonderful having you as a friend. So wonderful that I wish I would have said hello earlier. Thanks for walking with me, talking with me, putting up with me, carrying me when I couldn't walk, and listening when all I could do what talk. Thanks for loving me for who I was, and loving me more by not letting me stay that way. I'll never forget you, even when I'm old and might forget your name."

And I know that this coming year will be full of hellos: hello New Zealand, hello new country, hello Jesus, hello fellow missionaries, hello Pittsburgh friends, hello family, hello graduate schools, hello 14 hour plane ride...but all I can think about are the goodbyes. I guess my optimism does have an end somewhere.

So yeah..if I haven't told you all how much you mean to me, I'm trying. It's just really hard. Maybe I'll write all of you cards or something. Until then, here's a song. It kind of sums it up, minus here or there.

i don't know how to say goodbye

the leaves must turn, the wind must blow
the heart must learn when its time for the heart to let go
but when i think of you, my heart knows why
i don't know how to say goodbye

the world moves on with no regret
and though you're gone, there are feelings i'll never forget
so i'll remember you, and though i try
i don't know how to say goodbye

the house we used to share still looks as if you're there
and i won't change a single thing
not even the wedding ring i wear

the evenings fall much harder now
the stars grow small and the moon seems to different somehow
but everytime i think of you, the moon and i
no, you're the only reason why
i don't know how to say goodbye

Choosing Life

2008-05-26T00:42:00.005-04:00

This is not a political blog post to defend and refute pro-choice and pro-life. In fact, it is a pratical blog post that hopefully will encourage you to be pro-choice in being pro-life. Confused? Good.

This idea about choice and life are two major questions I have been asking myself. Do I have choice? Where do I find true life? What do I choose? What life am I living? On the surface, these questions seem to have simple answers. But since when do I settle for simple answers? *scoffs*

My pastor recently rebuked me (in his gentle wise fashion) that when I choose one thing, I am not choosing another. Obvious? Maybe. For example, if I choose to watch Law and Order SVU, I am NOT choosing to spend 1 hour of good conversation to encourage and be encouraged by a friend. Is one better than the other? Perhaps, but I wouldn't necessarily call either "wrong."

A more poinient example. If I choose sinful behavior (sexual, addictive, pride, anger), I am NOT choosing God, or the lifestyle that can encourage, honor, inspire others.

And something is lost there. I choose one thing, I lose out on the other. Because I made the chioce. Not that it was a punishment and God was like, "Bad Elise! Now you don't get this." No, it was my choice because I chose to.

It's like what we tell kids when they're young. "You have two options: You can choose to be angry and miss recess, or you can choose to say your sorry and play with the group."

Even better, more personal example. When I was in preschool, I had the following conversation with my teacher:

Me: Teacher, the kids won't play what I want to play.
Teacher: Well, Elise, maybe you could choose to go over and play what they're playing

Me: *sigh* I don't think I can do that. *walks to bench and sits alone for the remainder of recess*

What a lonely, miserable choice! I was so fixated on what I wanted to do that I gave up the opportunity to play with my friends. I chose to be isolated and alone, and totally missed out on 20 minutes of life.

Do I still do that?

There are choices I have made that have cost me wonderful precious moments in life. And many of those moments I was still physically present, but my heart and mind were somewhere else. When I sin and choose temporary satisfaction, my heart and mind are often haunted with that regret, and I can't fully enjoy the true joyful life that I am meant to live. When I choose life, I can fully invest myself, heart body and soul, without feeling like I've given part of me away to someone or something else that really had not intention of sticking around.

Here's an interesting point: Do we actually get to CHOOSE what we do? Is it part of some pre-organized plan? My answer...

Blah Blah Blah...

Honestly, as much as I am into theology and deep discussions, I think we can all agree that we come across many forks in the road and have to make a decision. God calls us to be active in our choices, informed in our decisions, and trusting Him and relying on the Spirit. For example.

The Lord says, "I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Therefore CHOOSE life, that you and your offspring may live, LOVING the Lord your God, OBEYING His voice and holding fast to Him, for He is the life and length of days, that you may dwell in the land that the Lord swore to your fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, to give them." (Deuteronomy 30:19-20)

Matthew 7:8 For everyone who ASKS receives, and the one who SEEKS finds, and to the one who KNOCKS it will be opened.

Notice God calls these people in both verses to do something. All of these are action verbs, and so we should NOT resign to thinking we have no control or responsibility in whether we can choose a life of God and purpose or choose a life of sin and futility.

So my challenge to all of us and myself is to be pro-choice. We should make the commitment to choose what is good, pure, holy, beneficial, appropriate, joyful, honorable, moral. And in those moments of complete confusion, praying for the Holy Spirit to guide us in the right direction, and if we make the wrong choice, show us and lead us out!

I challenge all of us to be pro-life. Jesus said, "The thief (the devil, false prophets) comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." (John 10:10) The Devil, false religions, and smooth talkers seeking self satisfaction offer nothing good. They come to steal our joy, kill our lives, and destroy our souls. Jesus says that no only did He come to earth to give us life, but to give us life ABUNDANTLY. Overflowing with joy, love, hope, faith, and FUN.

Today I felt that joy when facilitating our middle school and senior high youth group in leading worship for our church. I have not had that much fun in a LONG time, that even now, 12 hours afterwards, I am still oozing with joy and love for them and My Heavenly Father for what He did. That is abundant life!

Which would you rather have?

...therefore CHOOSE LIFE, that you and your offspring may live... He is the life and length of days...

Be pro-choice and choose true life. Surprise surprise, your life will be better for it :)

The Spider and the Fly

2008-05-14T21:34:00.002-04:00

The Spider and the Fly
Mary Howitt

Will you walk into my parlour?" said the Spider to the Fly,
'Tis the prettiest little parlour that ever you did spy;
The way into my parlour is up a winding stair,
And I've a many curious things to shew when you are there."

Oh no, no," said the little Fly, "to ask me is in vain,
For who goes up your winding stair can ne'er come down again."

"I'm sure you must be weary, dear, with soaring up so high;
Will you rest upon my little bed?" said the Spider to the Fly.
"There are pretty curtains drawn around; the sheets are fine and thin,
And if you like to rest awhile, I'll snugly tuck you in!"

Oh no, no," said the little Fly, "for I've often heard it said,
They never, never wake again, who sleep upon your bed!"

Said the cunning Spider to the Fly, " Dear friend what can I do,
To prove the warm affection I 've always felt for you?
I have within my pantry, good store of all that's nice;
I'm sure you're very welcome -- will you please to take a slice?"

"Oh no, no," said the little Fly, "kind Sir, that cannot be,
I've heard what's in your pantry, and I do not wish to see!"

"Sweet creature!" said the Spider, "you're witty and you're wise,
How handsome are your gauzy wings, how brilliant are your eyes!
I've a little looking-glass upon my parlour shelf,
If you'll step in one moment, dear, you shall behold yourself."

"I thank you, gentle sir," she said, "for what you 're pleased to say,
And bidding you good morning now, I'll call another day."

The Spider turned him round about, and went into his den,
For well he knew the silly Fly would soon come back again:
So he wove a subtle web, in a little corner sly,
And set his table ready, to dine upon the Fly.
Then he came out to his door again, and merrily did sing,
"Come hither, hither, pretty Fly, with the pearl and silver wing;
Your robes are green and purple -- there's a crest upon your head;
Your eyes are like the diamond bright, but mine are dull as lead!"

Alas, alas! how very soon this silly little Fly,
Hearing his wily, flattering words, came slowly flitting by;
With buzzing wings she hung aloft, then near and nearer drew,
Thinking only of her brilliant eyes, and green and purple hue --
Thinking only of her crested head -- poor foolish thing! At last,
Up jumped the cunning Spider, and fiercely held her fast.
He dragged her up his winding stair, into his dismal den,
Within his little parlour -- but she ne'er came out again!

And now dear little children, who may this story read,
To idle, silly flattering words, I pray you ne'er give heed:
Unto an evil counsellor, close heart and ear and eye,
And take a lesson from this tale, of the Spider and the Fly.

You're a Grown-Up...really?

2008-05-05T17:17:00.002-04:00

As a lyricist, I really enjoy songs of social commentary. For example, I love Nickelback's "Rock Star." Superficially, it describes why "we all just wanna be big rock stars" but if you listen closer to the lyrics and how they are delivered, you start realizing its mocking the rock star/celebrity lifestyle. Wikipedia backs me up, so it must be true.

So how fitting, while trying to write a "coming of age song," that I write a commentary on the graduation from college into the real world. Many of my friends have graduated and say they now have a "grown up job" and I echo that remark. But what makes us grown up? I mean, even when we reach the "grown up age" a lot of us are still acting like kids. And I feel I should know as I work daily with both (meaning both kids and adults, not kid-like adults and adult-like kids...)

More specifically, we come to college as teens, exit as adults, and yet...why are we suddenly deemed adults? Because we have a diploma? Because we're now 22-27 (depending on when you start)? Because that's what's expected of society? Because there's nothing else to call us?

In my child language development class, we often talked about the difference between chronological age and mental age. I think many in my generation are suffering from this in a more psychological than developmental sense. I've heard it describe as extended adolescence. And I have my moments as well...quite a few actually.

So here is my social commentary song, a satire of college/adult life. I dedicate this to all my friends who have just graduated from good ole "Blooming Town."

Blooming Town

we come here in mass
top of the class
caught up in our own little worlds

we leave looking back
gather up all the slack
sent off as the new and improved generation
or at least an imitation of

a grown up now
but how'd I grow up?
sitting in the back row chairs
asleep unaware?
that I was grown up now
but how'd I grow up?
writing the final page
of the paper due yesterday?
I'm grown up now
but how'd I grow up?
out late on a Thursday night
walk in late for my 9am
How did I grow up again?

we come here to learn
with the bees and the birds
and some books on the side

and we leave here to learn
there's still so much to learn
that was never explained in the books
life is harder than it looks

I'm a grown up now
But how'd I grow up?
sitting in the back row chairs
asleep unaware?
that I'm a grown up now
but how'd I grow up?
writing that final page
of the paper due yesterday?
I'm grown up now
but how'd I grow up?
out late on a Thursday night
walk in late for my 9am
How did I grow up again?

when I was young and I saw them, i thought
surely they must be so mature
but now that I'm them, I see once again
that age doesn't dictate how you act anymore

I'm a grown up now
But how'd I grow up?
sitting in my cubicle chair
asleep unaware?
that I'm a grown up now
but how'd i grow up?
working the 9-5
somehow means i'm alive and
I'm a grown up now
but how'd I grow up?
out late on Thursday night
clock in late for the 9am
How did I grow up again?

How did I grow up again?
How did I grow up again?

2008-05-03T16:28:00.001-04:00

Is this...Part II

Praise, O servants of the Lord,
Praise the name of the Lord!
Blessed be the name of the Lord
From this time forth and forever.
From the rising of the sun to its setting
the name of the Lord is to be praised.
The Lord is high above all nations;
His glory is above the heavens.
Who is like the Lord our God,
Who is enthroned on high,
Who humbles Himself to behold the things
that are in heaven and in the earth...

....whaaaa?

I was reading this psalm this afternoon when I woke up (yes...this afternoon...3pm to be exact). No reason in particular. This was the first page or so that I turned to in the Bible. So I started reading, and honestly, nothing was really all that surprising.

"The Lord is to be praised!" -- Check
"Blessed be His name" -- yup, I sing that song
"From the rising of the sun to its setting" -- let me finish the song, His love endures forever...

But then I read verse 6: Who humbles Himself to behold the things that are in heaven and in the earth.

He is humbled?
He humbles HIMSELF?
He does this so that He can BEHOLD non-god things?
He wants to behold ME?

I was dumbfounded. As I continued to think about this verse, I started wondering. "Is humility an act of grace? Does God show His grace by humbling Himself, something that He has absolutely every right to refuse?

Its hard for me to picture the Lord as humble, even though He demonstrated that to the fullest by sending His Son Jesus Christ as a man to die for our sins. I mean, He didn't just humble himself to behold us, Christ humbled Himself to beCOME us. That's amazing grace.

But what else is part of this grace? If humility is an act of grace, what else is involved? The Psalm gives 3 clear components to grace, or at least so it seems to me:

1. Grace is shown in humility

I think I've seen grace as an act of power. "I am the ALMIGHTY AND POWERFUL OZ!! Bow down and worship me, and I will pardon your sins. EVIL INFEDEL!!" But this psalm clearly shows that grace is an act of humility. The Lord humbles himself to be hold us, to have mercy on us, because really the minute we reject His holiness, we're good to go to the gallows. So forgiveness, grace, is given in humility, not an act that we can Lord over someone.

2. Grace restores honor

Continuing on the theme of "lording" grace over someone, Psalm 113 shows that God not only stoops down to behold us, but he lifts us back up. And not only to the place we were, but to higher places.

He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap, to make them sit with princes, with the princes of His people.

God restores our honor when He delivers grace. I've found this applying significantly lately. I royally screwed up a week ago, allowing my sin to totally lead me places I never thought myself capable. And yet, 2 days later, I was being encouraged as a "worshipper of God", "a blessing," "an inspiring woman of Christ." And my reaction was, "Do you know who you're talking to?"

And God says, "Yes, they do." They are talking to a sinner who saved by grace. It is by Christ's redemptive power and the Holy Spirit's regeneration that I can be used for any good that touches the heart and soul. In my last post, I put the lyrics of my most recent song, and one line says, "How can healing words come from unholy lips?" It is only because of the Lord. I am lifted to a place of honor, not as a God but as His servant, because of God's grace. I sit among princes because of God's grace. I am honored as being used for His glory by God's grace. What amazing Grace.

3. Grace restores joy.

Verse 9 says, "He makes the barren woman abide in the house as a joyful mother of children." As a woman in Biblical times, you did NOT want to be barren. I'm pretty sure that you were seen as useless. And what greater joy and honor than to have children, let alone male children. And so here, God shows his grace restores the joy of those who are incapable of doing it themselves.

Again, when I forgive someone, when I show grace to someone, I so often want to make it clear to them that they were wrong, I was right, and I'm doing them a favor. That doesn't really promote joy. And although Christ reminds us that it is through grace that we are saved, He always reaffirms our status with Him: that because of Him, we are holy, restored, righteous, loved, affirmed, and wanted. Because of His grace, we are beheld by Him ;) What amazing Grace.

I've always felt that the song Amazing Grace was overplayed. But I was blind, and now I see, that it was my lack of comprehension of grace that I could not appreciate the song. The apostle Paul says that the greater the sin, the greater the grace. Jesus also spoke a parable about how greater love is from those who have been forgiven much.

And so here I am: becoming more and more aware of the power, love, and humility of the Grace God offers me. He humbles Himself to behold me, restores my honor so that I am not wallowing in shame, and restores my joy by using me for His glory which I am incapable of doing on my own.

Amazing Grace.

She's Leaving Home...

2008-05-02T12:20:00.003-04:00

She's leaving home
after living alone
for so many years...

A thunderclap has just sounded over our elementary school. *Laugh* Quite the drumroll or way of saying, "ATTENTION! Elise is not coming back...yet"

This September, I will be flying across the ocean to Matamata, New Zealand, as part of a Discipleship Training Program (DTS) with Youth With a Mission (YWAM)...try to keep up with the initials. This DTS is a program designed to train young adults in their Christian faith, immersing them in training, lectures, and studies with the pillars of the faith. This training is then followed by a three month outreach, and with my program, in Australia, New Zealand, or Fiji (whichever they place you). I'm very excited, and nervous...but mostly inquisitive, I suppose.

What's really awesome about my particultar program is that it has a "music flavour," where my extra activities will be designed around worship and the facilitation of worship for the program. Woo hoo!

Okay, so seriously now, what does a Beatle's song have to do with this (besides the obvious leaving theme?) I think the Beatle's were working on the irony that someone could be alone in a home for so many years. I've chose the opposite irony for myself: After living alone for so many years, distancing myself from people, afraid of friendships, and never becoming attached to anyone or anything, I finally found a "home" in Bloomington. And now I'm leaving. But I'm actually LEAVING...let me explain more.

The semantics of leaving vs. exiting is very important to me. For most of my life I have made exits: exit stage right, exit the building, exiting cities. There was no form of attachment, no personal facet to these departures. But now I'm leaving: I'm leaving people and places that I finally call home. And for the first time in nearly a decade, I'm actually sad...and I don't know exactly how to handle this.

I don't like showing I am sad. To me it reveals that you mean enough to me to alter the way I feel. You affect me. You have some power over me. It denotes weakness. Okay, maybe not, but for a decade it did mean that. And now, at the age of 23, after relearning how to be a friend and often failing miserably, but continuing to grow and try try again, I have to leave behind the people I have finally allowed myself to care about. And to say I care about them is hard too.

Not only that, but the people I have associated with Bloomington are becoming individuals, not longer a collective "Bloomington people". Some are leaving town all together, some to different cities and some to different countries. Others are changing their vocational identity: I have one friend who I have known as music for the past 2 years, and now he's going into optometry. Quoi?? That's not who you are...or at least who I have known you to be...

So often I have been the pioneer of adventure, and everyone maintained their normalcy. I would leave town, and return, and nothing would change. The faces are the same, the businesses are the same, and so on. But now, I go home, and I don't recognize people at my church. My friends back home in Pittsburgh are growing apart. My best friend now lives in New York. When did everyone decide to move on, too?

So I don't know how to say goodbye. I don't know how to end this chapter of my life. Part of me wants to escape and slip away without people knowing. Then I don't have to face it. The other part of me wants to be around the people I love every hour of everyday, because then I can create the allusion that they're not leaving. Neither is feasible or logical. But how do you say goodbye when you've never really said it before?

I finally have a home, and now I'm leaving. Ironic, isn't it? Am I coming back? The tenative plan is no. I'm applying to grad schools all over the country for speech pathology. Maybe I'll be called to full time international ministry. Maybe my CD will skyrocket off the charts while I'm away.

I have no way to end this blog. I told you I'm bad with goodbyes.

2008-04-28T11:42:00.009-04:00

is this...

They say I touch them, and I'm a blessing

And their praise puts me to shame

How can healing words come from unholy lips

How can the dumb and blind lead the lame

Maybe there is more

Maybe this is more than me...

How can you still use me

After I've allowed myself

to be used by everyone else

How can you still choose me

After I have made the choice

to go against the still, small voice in my heart

How can you still want me

When there has to be

a thousand faithful ones to take my place

Is this real? A final warning? A mistake?

Is this grace?

The God of Israel, the Lord of Jacob

The Lord of the redeemed and the liars

Is that who I am? who you call me

As I leap head first into the fire?

Maybe there is more

Maybe this is more than me...

How can you still use me

After I've allowed myself

to be used by everyone else

How can you still choose me

after I have made the choice

to go against the still small voice in my heart

How can you still want me

When there has to be

A thousand faithful ones to take my place

Is this real? A final warning? A mistake?

Is this grace?

I have unholy lips

I have a cheating heart

I have a liars tongue

I have nothing

I have unholy lips

I have a cheating heart

I have a liars tongue

I have nothing

Maybe there is more

Maybe this is more than me...

How can you still use me

after I've allowed myself

to be used by everyone else

How can you still choose me

after I have made the choice

To go against the still small voice in my heart

How can you still want me

when there has to be

a thousand faithful ones to take my place

Is this real? A final warning? A mistake?

Is this grace?

What is Covetting?

2008-04-22T11:55:00.003-04:00

I discovered two nights ago that I have fallen victim to the sin of covetting. Unfortunately (or a blessing in disguise?) I had no idea how to approach irradicating myself from this sin. I don't recall talking in church much about covetting, nor approaching the subject in Bible studies. Even talking with friends didn't really seem to shed any light on how to "not covet."

So, I went to the last place I could think of: The Bible. Should have been the first, I know.

I looked up the word "covet" in the topical index on Biblegalaxy.com. The first reference to this topic was Genesis 3:6 about Eve eating the apple.

"When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it." Genesis 3:6, NIV

Wow...what a verse to start with. The root of covetting starts in the garden: Eve sees an fruit, not just ANY fruit, THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT, and takes it. What's interesting is that there were plenty of legitament reasons to want the fruit: nutrition, looked good, provided something she lacked. And yet it came down to this: God had said no beforehand. Eve just saw the potential of such a fruit. God saw the actual.

Lesson one, for me at least: realizing that so often I see the potential in things I desire, while the Lord sees the big picture. He sees how a person, event, material item fits into the grand scheme of things in His plan for my life. While I only see the immediate, how it looks NOW. So technically NOW it will do fine, but later...what is beyond my understanding...well, we saw what happened to the rest of mankind when Eve lived in the "now".

But covetting goes beyond just desire. It is desiring a specific thing that is not mine and yet I demand and devise how to take it anyway. But why is this so tempting? Why do I want things that are not mine?

My college pastor said that all sin has this root: lack of faith in the Lord. So then I started wondering, where is my lack of faith when I covet? I found 3 main areas:

1. I lack the faith that the Lord knows my needs to fulfill His purpose on this earth.
2. I lack faith that the Lord has currently provided what is necessary for me to live His purupose right now.
3. I lack faith that the Lord will satisfy and provide my needs to fulfill His purpose in the future.

And the overarching lack of faith is this: that God made a mistake when distributing gifts, both spiritual and material, to His people. The video commerical above ended with Sarah Jessica Parker saying, "I had to have it." Apparently God didn't know that SJP would die without the perfume. That's crap. But, how often do I say, "Lord, I had to have it!" when I disobediently attempt to have what was not meant to be mine? If I had to have it, the Lord would have provided, either by prompting someone else, giving it Himself, or prompting me in a way that was honoring Him and keeping in line with His commandments.

So identifying these pitfalls has allowed me to search the Scriptures for both promises, warnings and encouragments in my Spirit-filled fight against covetedness. I pray that these verses help arm you as well if you ever find yourself in this battle.

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." - Hebrews 13:5

People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. - 1 Timothy 6:9

Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. - Psalm 90:14

You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing. The Lord is righteous in all His ways and loving toward all He has made. - Psalm 145:16-17

The fear of the Lord leads to life: then one rests content, untouched by trouble. - Proverbs 19:23

The Lord will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your fram. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose water never fails. - Isaiah 58:11

Am Not!!!

2008-04-21T00:08:00.003-04:00

There are certain colloquial phrases that belong to children:

"Redo!"
"Why?"
"Nuh-uh"
"I'm going to tell my dad"
etc.

The one that comes to mind tonight is: "AM NOT!!"

This phrase is often said in response to some lame kid calling you some lame name, or ascribing some negative attribute to you that, in your opinion, isn't true. Or accuses you of something that you'd rather not be accused of.

Tonight, I have this overwhelming urge to rebuke the lies from Satan, my head, and my heart, using this powerful youthful phrase. So here goes:

You are a mistake...AM NOT!
You are a whore...AM NOT!
You are a slave to your habitual downfalls...AM NOT!
You are unworthy of love...AM NOT!
You are a waste of time...AM NOT!
You are a selfish brat who cares only about herself...AM NOT!
You are a disappointment to the Lord...AM NOT!
You are a disappointment to your parents...AM NOT!
You are too bold, too outspoken, and too lively for anyone to handle...AM NOT!
You are consumed with the spotlight...AM NOT!
You are too analytical...AM NOT!
You are too much of a sinner to ever be used for good..AM NOT!
You are destined to be ineffective...AM NOT!
You are a loser...AM NOT!
You are a fake...AM NOT!
You are a hypocrite...AM NOT!
You are living a lie...AM NOT!
You are without self-control..AM NOT!
You are too impatient, which is why good things never come...AM NOT!
You are weak...AM NOT!
You are foolish...AM NOT!
You are beyond hope...AM NOT!!!!

Take that Satan! And if you try it again, I'm going to tell my Dad!

*phew* I feel better :)

Free to Rest

2008-03-31T22:34:00.003-04:00

Rest...I know nothing of the word.

Even in sleeping I am awake, dreaming constantly about unaccomplished endevors, unresolved conflicts, unanswered questions, and sometimes about talking cows. My subconscious is always roaring, and when I wake up, my body meets the thunder and I am pounding away again at life. Even on breaks my mind continues to analyze, scrutinize, plan from every angle for the next move.

And there is always a next move.

Silence...I know nothing of the word.

I was told to be silent when I was in trouble, so silence was always a punishment. It was used to stifle creativity, to stop productivity. I mean, consider preschool: FREEZE! Meant stop the fun you're having and start cleaning up because we're going to move onto something that is much less interesting than the playdough with which you were constructing the next architectural masterpiece...or that you were eating.

This busy bee spent her spring break hours on the phone planning, sending emails, meeting with pastors, delivering posters, buying stamps for support letters, designing publicity tools, army rolling into male bathrooms to post flyers, and all the while wondering, "What is this break of which the school districts speak?" When asked how my spring break was, my response was simply, "I spent my time doing what I don't have time to do."

And yet the Lord of the Universe, who is constantly working in the lives of His children and even those who are not consciously seeking Him, commands us to rest. Encourages us to break. To take the ultimate piece of that KitKat Bar and just be still...to just be.

To be or not to be...that is the question.

The Lord introduced (and reintroduced) some stories and verses that have a common theme for me. They are both convicting as they are inspiring. Maybe you'll find them the same.

"Thus I will establish My covenant with you, and you shall know that I am the LORD, so that you may remember and be ashamed and never open your mouth anymore because of your humiliation, when I have forgiven you for all that you have done," the Lord GOD declares." Ezekiel 16:62-63

When He (Jesus) got out of the boat, immediately a man from the tombs with an unclean spirit met Him, and he had his dwelling among the tombs. And no one was able to bind him anymore, even with a chain; because he had often been bound with shackles and chains, and the chains had been torn apart by him and the shackles broken in pieces, and no one was strong enough to subdue him. Constantly, night and day, he was screaming among the tombs and in the mountains, and gashing himself with stones...(Jesus casts out the demons)...and the people came to see what it was that had happened. They came to Jesus and observed the man who had been demon-possessed sitting down, clothed and in his right mind, the very man who had had the "legion"; and they became frightened. (Mark 5:2-5, 14-16)

These stories represent to me the amazing reign of the Prince of Peace. I understand that peace does not always manifest itself outwardly, but wow...it certainly can. The entire chapter of Ezekiel 16 personifies the way the Lord rescued and raised Israel, transforming a blood soaked, screaming, wriggling baby into a beautiful, royal, perfect woman ALL BY HIS GRACE. And then in her pride and vanity, whore herself, running wild with lust, idolatry, and human sacrifice that made Sodom look like Mayberry. But then the Lord redeems her, in justice and rebuke, but none the less redeems her. And her response: humble silence.

The demon possessed man, wild and violent, whom no person or iron shackle could contain, is brought to his knees before Jesus even says a word, and then sits silently by His feet after being delivered from the possession. Eventually he goes to preach to his village about Jesus' miracle, so he is not silent forever, but still...the manifestation of peace with God and the world.

Shalom.

I really covet that peace. I covet the ability to visually show the world that I trust in God's sovereignty in my life and plans. I'm tired of saying, "I have peace" and then running around like a mad woman. I just want to BE still AND know that He is God. I want my mind to "turn off."

I want to be free.

So if the Son makes you free, you will be free indeed. - John 8:36

Responding to Responsibility

2008-03-29T01:28:00.004-04:00

I told my mom recently that I didn't like being a grown up because it meant that I had to be in charge of taking care of things, and I'd much rather be taken care of. I'd much rather have my mom and dad take care of my finances, dinner, handling my schedule, and calling the parents of kids who are mean to me.

I know, I'm dreaming.

But this transition from collegehood to adulthood is difficult, especially when I go from taking care of myself to taking care of others. My job requires me to constantly put my children first, which is hard when I'm used to working on my own agenda. But I do it.

And this benefit concert that I'm putting together is not just arranging my schedule, but juggling 7 other people's schedule, alone with a church, power point (oh crap, I forgot to write out the powerpoint), and adjusting based on their agendas. It sucks, but I do it.

I haven't felt very equipped for doing all of this. I don't feel like I'm very responsible, especially in moments where I realize I forgot to do something, or a schedule doesn't work out. I especially feel irresponsible when my reaction is to flip out, instead of handling it like an "adult" and calmly fixing the problem.

In short, I don't feel like I micromanage very well, and thus the whole future is going to fall apart, away from God's will, and I'm going to end up living in some van down by the river.

But then I recently started to wonder, "Am I making a bigger deal of this than necessary? I mean, what would Jesus do?" Or more accurately speaking, what does Jesus say?

Somewhere in the Bible is a verse that describes how we are responsible for the Lords' "revealed will." For the life of me I cannot find the specific verse, but I know it's there, because those words wrapped around my heart and haven't let go since.

So often I worry about marriage, money, jobs, and how my choices now will affect my future. But I am so focused on that future choice, that I forget where I am. For instance, I became obsessed on how I was going to be holy in a dating relationship. But I wasn't even dating anyone! I mean, it's good to think about it, but I was freaking out! Then the Holy Spirit whispered, "Elise, how will you remain holy now in your singleness? How will you be holy now in your job? In your friendships?"

Right now I'm planning for a benefit concert, and all my thoughts and energy are getting to that date. But then I forget that I have 40hr full time job that requires MORE of my attention. Not that it is bad to be planning ahead for my mission work, but I can't let it interfere with the revealed will of my current employment.

I guess the point of it all is this: we cannot attempt to be faithful with what we do not have when we are not faithful with what has already been given. It is a fruitless effort to try and control that which is not even in our hands yet.

Then again, we can't control it anyways...

How will I honor the Lord now? How will I serve him now? How will I be faithful now? These are the questions I need to be asking myself daily. And there are plenty of times to ask these questions.

Be responsible for what the Lord has shown you today. Then do the same when He shows you something new tomorrow.

Matthew 6:31-34, Amplified Version

Therefore do not worry and be anxious, saying, What are we going to have to eat? or, What are we going to have to drink? or, What are we going to have to wear?

For the Gentiles (heathen) wish for and crave and diligently seek all these things, and your heavenly Father knows well that you need them all.

But seek (aim at and strive after) first of all His kingdom and His righteousness His way of doing and being right), and then all these things taken together will be given you besides.

So do not worry or be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have worries and anxieties of its own. Sufficient for each day is its own trouble.

Old habits die hard

2008-03-24T22:06:00.003-04:00

When I was in preschool, I asked a boy if I could play with his blocks. He ignored me. Wrong answer. I bit him.

In kindergarten, I told my teacher the kids wouldn't play my game. She said I should ask to play what they were playing. Wrong answer. I sat on the bench...alone.

In elementary school, I asked my friend what key signature she used when playing the flute. She said she didn't know. Wrong answer. I yelled at her in the middle of the store.

In high school, my assistant principal told my mom that I have a way of making people feel stupid. I don't even try to, and I don't mean to, but the words I say and the way I say it suggest that I feel I am superior to them. And that I feel I'm right.

I can't say that I never feel that way.

But I have tried over the years to soften my words, to be more clear about the intent of what I say. But sometimes, that preschool brat creeps out. And I end up hurting friends, family, and losing relationships.

Sometimes I wonder if the apostle Paul struggled with this. I mean, he was a high ranking Pharisee (aka Jewish religious official with a stereotype of always being right and arrogant) for the beginning years of his life. I've heard several people say how arrogant Paul sounds in some of his letters. They don't doubt the truth of his words, but the words are phrased harshly, occasionally somewhat in a superior tone. Maybe that tone is remnant of his Pharisitic days. Forgive me for not giving you specific examples. I suppose those are up to interpretation, anyways.

People are constantly growing, and with prayer for the Holy Spirit, constantly being renewed as people. The Bible gives us plenty of verses to back this up:

Psalm 51:10
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Romans 12:2
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

2 Corinthians 4:16
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

Colossians 3:9-10
Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.

So, we are constantly being renewed, which means that the old self can rear its ugly head. But the power of the Holy Spirit suggests that this appearance of the old self appears less frequently, or at least is less victorious. And when, oh when, will this new self take complete reign? When we are finally in the full presence of Christ in Heaven.

But one thing is worth saying: this renewal is based solely of the work of the Holy Spirit, but that should also be evident in our personal will to make God honoring choices. I like what John Adams says to his daughter in the HBO TV series "John Adams": Be good, do good. Easy words, but hard to live by.

And how do we actively seek this renewal? Repentance, both of the action and the source of the action. Prayer for an action and a heart change. I guess the rest is up to God.

But God is like Allstate: we're in good hands :)

Musings in a time of peace

2008-03-23T14:55:00.002-04:00

*sigh*

That's the first breath I've been able to have in a while.

I'm back in Pittsburgh, taking a break from the chaotic planning and working and just never ending business of life. Okay, if I'm completely honest it hasn't exactly stopped. But it has given me a lot of time to just think instead of constantly do.

I've been thinking about what is most important in life. We are constantly bombarded with "needs" and "must haves" that really are stupid. For instance, I got a letter from Phi Beta Kappa saying that if I contribute to their organization, I'd get a LIMITED EDITION letter opener that "I'll be sure to use with pride."

I don't know about you, but I don't need higher self-esteem when opening letters, especially when it's founded in a piece of brass.

So what is important, or at least has creeped across my mind so far?

Family.

Right now I'm watching Mrs. Doubtfire. The movie before it was Cheaper by the Dozen. Right before that my dad and I got to talking about taxes, life, disappointments, poetry, my pursuits and dreams...soon we'll be going to have Easter dinner with my mom's side. Yesterday we had a bridal shower, and I was reminded about the 23 year progression of "the three cousins" from diaper-babies to now a wedding and full-time employment.

My family keeps me humble. My family keeps me grounded. I come home and still have to put away the dishes. I'm asked to sing and entertain, but then clean up my room. They remind me that I'm not an island, and that I'm not a loner, and that my actions do impact other people.

So is the family of Christ. My pastor reminded us this Easter that we're called to follow Jesus, not just believe, but we're not to do it alone. Small groups, hospitality groups, support groups, they're all....groups! The disciples were told to wait TOGETHER in Jerusalem for the Holy Spirit. The apostles were sent out often in pairs for ministry. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit show the community, compatibility, and necessity of family: they cannot be separated, and all have their specific purpose.

I think my greatest desire is to belong to a person, a group, an organization where I am needed, wanted, but challenged, stimulated, where what I have to offer is appreciated, and what others offer is cherished. Where who I am is appreciated and enjoyed, and where I can appreciate and enjoy others' gifts.

No competition, no intimidation, no bitterness...well, at least to the degree where relationships are paralyzed.

St. Patrick's Day

2008-03-17T07:46:00.002-04:00

Ironic how favorite songs from years ago fit so well today....

Here comes the cold
Break out the winter clothes
And find a love to call your own
You - enter you
Your cheeks a shade of pink
And the rest of you in powder blue

Who knows what will be
But I'll make you this guarantee

No way November will see our goodbye
When it comes to December it's obvious why
No one wants to be alone at Christmas time

In the dark, on the phone
You tell me the names of your brothers
And your favorite colors
I'm learning you
And when it snows again
We'll take a walk outside
And search the sky
Like children do
I'll say to you

No way November will see our goodbye
When it comes to December it's obvious why
No one wants to be alone at Christmas time
And come January we're frozen inside
Making new resolutions a hundred times
February, won't you be my valentine?

And we'll both be safe 'til St. Patrick's Day

We should take a ride tonight around the town
and look around at all the beautiful houses
something in the way that blue lights on a black night
can make you feel more
everybody, it seems to me, just wants to be
just like you and me

No one wants to be alone at Christmas time
Come January we're frozen inside
Making new resolutions a hundred times
February, won't you be my valentine?

And if our always is all that we gave
And we someday take that away
I'll be alright if it was just 'til St. Patrick's Day

I don't dance well

2008-03-14T13:32:00.003-04:00

A while ago I wrote a blog about the joy of ballroom dancing. I said how wonderful it was as an allegory to what it means to let a man lead, and to learn how to follow, and how to learn to follow my Lord Jesus with every prompting He makes.

The lesson continues.

I'm starting to learn how my desire for control and self-righteous "knowledge" of how to dance negatively impacts the men who are called to lead me. And it frustrates me.

I went to a dance last Saturday. During the lesson part, one of the instructors was helping my boyfriend and I on swing. It was all fine and dandy until she said, "You know, even if the guy gets off beat, you just have to dance off beat. You have to adjust to him." I burned with that remark.

Not that my boyfriend is a bad dancer. NOT AT ALL! That wasn't the point. What "burned me" was the thought that if someone was doing something wrong, I (who was right) would have to adjust to him. That I'd have to be wrong too! And why? Because the male is supposed to lead, even if he leads a 4 count in a 3 count.

The real issue is about respect. In dancing, the male is called to be the leader, know the moves, ect. And the girl is to follow his promptings. This is a very high calling to a guy who is maybe new to dancing, which can hurt his ego a bit. But his ego is in for a world of hurt if the woman isn't gracious in his limitations, showing frustration, annoyance, and displeasure when the guy is really trying. She's not much of a partner to dance with if she's making him feel immasculine, and in the world of ballroom dancing, she probably won't get asked to dance again if she does that with every man she's with.

Man, I am a bad dancer. At first, the women said that I could follow wonderfully. But now I see that I am only good at following when the man is going MY direction. So I guess that's not following. That's accompanying. Or even worse, dancing by myself and another person just happens to be there with you.

I was always awarded with being strong-willed, independent, and knowledgeable. But I don't really remember being commended as a good team player. I'm good at expressing my needs. I'm good at getting things done. I'm good at facing challenges. But I'm not good at doing these thing with another person.

Instead, my strong opinions and needs are forced onto others as a demand, not a desire. And what happens? The picture above: I start hitting the guy in the face, slapping him around, and eventually, I'm dancing solo again. Because solo is all I know.

I think there are two ways of living a solo life. You can either dominate or alienate. If you're dominating, the other person is there, but not involved. It is your way, or the highway. There is no compromise, and even when you are negotiating, its clear that the negotiation will go YOUR way. You're still right, you just have to make the other person think they're choosing that way too. But the choice is clearly more of an ultimatum.

If you alienate, the other person doesn't even exist. No, I don't need your help. No, I don't need your advice. No, I will not talk to you about it. I'll do it solo. I can do it without you. There isn't even an illusion that the other person is there. It's only you.

I really don't want to dominate or alienate, but that's all I've known. I've learned that people aren't trustworthy, and that people leave. But maybe people aren't trustworthy because I don't give them a chance to do it their way. And maybe people leave because I make them feel bad about themselves.

So how do I learn to dance well and encourage others to do the same? How do I follow, even if the timing feels off? I'm just not good at this...

I finally see I'm worth it

2008-02-24T21:29:00.003-05:00

For the first time in a long, long time, I finally see myself as beautiful.

I don't mean for that to be an egotistical statement. Quite the contrary, it is one of the most humbling statements I have made for a while. For the past year or so, I have struggled with my self image, comparing myself to other women, coveting their looks, their grace, their figure, their hair (nah, I always liked my hair), but their attitude, the list could go on and on. But tonight, after two amazing sermons, a couple hours of photo shoots, and one powerful merciful Savior, I can say: I am beautiful.

I could also look at the woman I have envied for 6 months and see that I am beautiful just like her. And again, not in an jealous, envious, "I have bigger eyes that yours" way. But in an appreciative, we are unique, and God made us both beautifully and wonderfully. I cannot express how freeing that moment was.

But sidetracking from physical beauty, this feeling of self-worth all started with the acceptance that who I was on the inside was beautiful, too. Most people who know me wouldn't deny that I am loud, full of outbursts, and occasionally abrasive. I am easily excited, and my body and vocal chords don't hide it. This nature of mine, although I knew couldn't be squashed, seemed to be the polar opposite of a "quiet, gentle spirit." And isn't that what Christian woman are supposed to have?

So am I not a Christian? Am I not behaving like a woman?

It took my current boyfriend, Michael, to show me that in my random outbursts, I could still be attractive. And not just attractive, but appreciated. And not just appreciated, but enjoyed. There are plenty of attractive women who are not enjoyed by others. But to finally find someone who said, "I enjoy your loud mouth" and who encouraged me to not hinder my emotions...oh my gosh, what a huge shadow of things to come, and by that, I mean the unyielding love of Jesus Christ.

I've always been self-conscious of my chest size. It took my friend Marc, who does not believe in Christ, to remind of me God's love for me: "You say you're a Christian. If you believe in God, then you believe that God made you who you are for a reason. So you should shut up and love yourself and your boobs, too." It was something like that.

In another example, I was (again) my own prophet. I was teaching the middle school Sunday School class about spiritual gifts, and said, "Why, if we believe that the Creator of the Universe didn't make a mistake in creating the earth, do we believe that He made a mistake when He created us?"

Scripture says that the Lord created the earth, the sky, light, trees, and people, and said: "It was good." Scripture also says that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. Scripture ALSO says that we have been saved by grace, NOT OF OURSELVES, and that the Lord has chosen us to work in His Kingdom until His return. Then WHY do we assume He made a mistake when we observe the personalities and physical attributes He has blessed us with?

My producer, Brandon Pfieffer, and I were talking about my voice quality on the CD. I confessed that I didn't like my voice because I could always find someone better. His response was that he could really grow to appreciate his voice by hearing the certain nuances that only he had, and he could love others' voices because of their nuances as well. It was in the imperfections that he found something worthwhile.

I pray for each and every one of God's children that we would see that we are beautiful. And that we would realize that we are worthwhile, in spite of or BECAUSE of our imperfections. And all of this is because of Jesus Christ, who loved us first, enough to die for us. If He had to die for me so that I would be worth something to God, who can I profane His death and say I'm not?

The I AM says I am.

When swept over by the love of Christ
I see myself as He sees me
Wretched, sinful, and depraved
Beautiful, loved, and finally free

No More Uncharted Desert Islands?

2008-02-08T11:39:00.000-05:00

Last night a friend showed me the new feature of Google Maps: Street View. You can put in an address, and if the town is charted, you can see the street...as if you were standing in the middle of the street. For instance, I typed in my address and up came a photo looking directly at my house. BUT THEN I could turn the camera around 360 degrees and see my neighbors' houses and their cars. I half expected to see my dog.

This is pretty creepy, if you ask me. I can see the benefit of it, but still...It makes me feel like Big Brother is really watching, and he's driving around in a truck with a camera on the back taking panoramic pictures of where we live. Creeeeeepy....

But then I started thinking. With satellite imaging, Google Maps, and now the upcoming Street View, I realized that there are probably no more new uncharted territories to be discovered. Sorry, Columbus, we've found all the New Worlds. Sorry, Gilligan...in this day and age, you'd be found in probably a week episodes time.

This makes me sad. The sense of discovering something new, that no one has ever found, is so exciting to me. Like a secret hideout, only in the form of an island or tropical forest. But Google's got them all charted. And I can visit them without even going there, thanks to Street View.

I want to discover something new. I suppose that's why I enjoy the zoom feature on my camera. I have a photography album entitled "Finding Significance in the Insignificant". Instead of macroexploration, I can go on my own microexploration, discovering parts of flowers and insects I'd never notice. It's quite amazing when something as small as your pinkie nail suddenly has intricate details.

So, my challenge to myself: if I can't find an uncharted desert island, I guess I can start discovering the deeper levels of what has already been found.

See ya around, Gilligan.

E=mc2 (Elise is Morbidly Controlling 2x over)

2008-02-07T14:40:00.000-05:00

“Whenever there is a sort of free radical coming into an equation,

it kind of bounces off everything in the equation.” - Danny Pino

I think I should start a new blog entitled, "Therapy with John." If not a blog, I think it would be a great musical, maybe a one act. You have your protagonist, let's call her Elise, and the musical chronicles her journey thru her sessions with her therapist (obviously, his name is John). The opening number is her first session, where she explains why she has come although she's not sure it will do any good. But the musical also chronicles her moments of eureka, talking to her mom (mom's are always involved in therapy), her attempts to implement what she is learning with her boyfriend, ect. The musical ends with her final therapy session, wondering if all of her quirks and eccentricities have been cured, or at least to a point where she has accepted herself for having them.

I think it would be a smash hit.

I'm sure most of you have realized by now that this musical is autobiographical. When I told my friend I was going into therapy, she said, "I did that too. It's really great to do it sometimes." And she's right. Talking to someone who went to school for asking questions is great. And they're trained to listen, which is really good for a girl like me who is a master at talking.

I've been recently tackling the issue of control and insecurity. Ever since I can remember I've felt confident about myself. I knew who I was, I knew what I wanted, had a clear idea of what I could and could not do (which includd compromise), and just felt sure about everything. I mean, I didn't know exactly what was happening in the future, but for the most part, I had a pretty good grasp on the directions of things in the "here and now". The only time I didn't feel that was in 5th grade, when the popular clique dubbed me their target of rampage. But even then I knew they weren't right. But I wasn't sure if who I was was right either.

My confidence and parental support allowed me to pursue whatever I wanted. And there was a sort of "mathmatical equation" to things: you study hard = good grade. You practice hard = leading role in a musical. Even when I studied hard and didn't get a good grade, I could usually identify where I went wrong (key word, wrong), study that harder, and nail the second test. In short, when I did the right thing, the right outcome occured. When I did the wrong thing, I was punished.

But is there right in wrong in all things? Do all good steps of action lead to good results? Do all bad steps produce bad results? For example, take the ever elusive "love." Do you have to feel a certain way, do certain things, think certain thoughts, and pray certain prayers in order to arrive at the oh-so-coveted award of *MARRIAGE*??? ( I imagine a choir singing "ahhhh" at that word) Or is there such an equation to life, career, children, ministry, or simply (haha, simply) figuring out God's plan? If 2+2 always equals 4, does Person A = Job A = Ministry A = God's Plan A? And if you make a mistake, does God's Plan B come into action, with Person B, Job B, Minsitry B, blah blah blah.

Is life always so calculated, especially in a life of grace?

John (my therapist if you forgot) and I discussed my deep fear of making wrong decisions that would thus result in missing or losing God's blessing. He then asked when in my life I had received blessings based on grace. Basically, when did something "not add up" and the result was still good? I took me 3 LONG minutes to finally think of two examples (aside from salvation, which I still struggle with sometimes). I could only think of TWO. And even now, 23 hours later, I can only think of TWO.

This was interesting to me. I haven't really experienced grace, at least in a tangible way. Everything has just added up. The results have always made sense. And this has given me two awful expectations:

1. The right steps MUST produce the right results, no exceptions.

2. Make a mistake and you'll get the wrong or second-best result.

I know that God and His plan is bigger than an equation. But I have yet to really experience grace in a profounding way. Or at least in a way that characterizes my life more than Calculus. Whether the Lord jogs my memory or brings these events into my life is His call.

Becoming my parents...

2008-02-04T15:00:00.000-05:00

We all know the story of Freaky Friday: a girl and a mom mindlessly wish to switch places, and poof! They're in eachother's bodies for some period of time.

I suppose I had my own Manic Monday moment today. I was at work, thinking about things other than work, when I suddenly realized I was like my dad. Usually a girl would say "I'm turning into my mother" but I already knew that was true. I've had that drilled into my head since I was about 5. "You're just as stubborn" "You look just like her" "Kathy, is that you?" "What a Fowkes!"

But I realized that many of the quirks manifesting themselves lately are my father's. For instance, when I was a kid, my dad would insist on reading me poems. I'm not sure if it was his tone of voice, or his choice of poetry, but I hated it. I'd much rather he sing me a song than read me a poem that didn't make any sense to me. Looking back, I think I secretly liked it, because I'd always end up smiling, but then insist, "No, I didn't like it."

I was such a brat.

But I must have liked it, because now at 22, I find myself fawning over poetry, and most often those that my dad read to me. I'll probably read poetry to my kids, and if they're anything like their mother, they'll insist they hate it, too.

Another example. My dad used to sing all the time in the morning. This puzzled my mom, who wondered what kind of man she was dating that whistled showtunes while making breakfast. But then she visited her in-laws, and heard the same song coming from the kitchen, only this time, my grandmother was singing it. This phenomenon startled me as well. I mean, how did two people know the same song to sing in the morning?

But then here I am, waking up, taking a shower, and walking thru the halls of my school, humming to myself, "Good morning, good moooorning. Ain't it great to stay up late? Good morning, good morning, to you!" I think the kids have the same reaction on their faces as my mom had toward my dad.

Oh yeah, what triggered all of this was that I have started writing little limmericks in letters I've been writing. I realized that my dad did this ALL THE TIME. Usually they were cute, but no Walt Whitman. But he really enjoyed them. He'd always ask me if I liked his poem. I'm not sure if he wrote them for me, or for himself. I suppose it might not really matter. And now I'm doing the same thing, almost instinctively.

I'm a mess.

What makes this even more interesting is that I didn't even confer with my father before adopting these traits. It's not like I said to myself, "My dad likes poetry, so I will too!" Or, "My dad doesn't associate politics with religion, neither will I!" (I'm still working that out) Or my favorite, "My dad doesn't take things at face value; so I'm going to ask 100 questions too!" I just...well...did. I admit that I'm a daddy's girl, but more so for affection and the occasional $20, not to adopt his behavior.

Maybe it's the nature within me, or the nurture that raised me, but either way I'm becoming my parents. Which must mean I'm becoming an adult.

Aren't YOU lucky?

Jesus, the Wimpy Shepherd?

2008-02-03T14:40:00.000-05:00

There's a song I love called "Someone to Watch Over Me." My favorite lyric says, "I'm a little lamb who's lost in the woods; I know I could always be good to one who'll watch over me." Thing is, when I think of these lyrics, I think of myself first: the poor little lamb crying "help me" in the big dark woods. Rarely do I consider the one whom I'm singing about, whom the song is written for: the one who will watch over me.

I do the same thing when I think about Jesus as my shepherd. I think more on the fact that I am a lost sheep, wandering, stupid, and helpless. Even when I read Psalm 23, I think more about myself than whom the Psalm was written for: God, Jesus as the Good Shepherd.

Sermons I remember tend to emphasize how we are sheep, and we need a shepherd. They go on and on about the parallels between people and sheep, and then wrap up the message saying, "And that's why Jesus is our shepherd. Follow Him." But it's always the culmination point, never the whole point.

Today's sermon was different, though. Finally! I finally found myself looking at John 10 and Psalm 23 with one purpose: who is this Good Shepherd? Why does He call Himself the good shepherd? And why a shepherd? It has to be more than just because people are stupid sheep...

I'm not going to rehash the whole sermon. You can visit www.eccbloomington.org and find the webcast for February 3rd (I think we do webcasts...). But one part of Jesus' character struck me that hadn't before: shepherds are warriors, and they fight for their sheep.

I've always thought of shepherds as leaders: calling the sheep to follow, making sure they don't wander off, and then going to find the lost ones. I mean, this is what is described in Psalm 23:1-3, green pastures, still waters, paths of righteousness. And all the while, I have this string orchestra theme song playing in my head, like you'd find in Little House on the Prairie. Everything's serene and peaceful, and every once in a while, Jesus gives a little chuckle at how silly his sheep can be.

But then Bob (our senior pastor) talked about the instruments a shepherd would carry. Psalm 23:4 says that "Your rod and your staff comfort me." Usually I picture this as two big sticks. But Bob explained that a rod was a long stick with a hook to bring the back wandering sheep. Nothing new to my peaceful scenario.

But then he talked about the staff. This isn't like Gandalf's staff. It's a short stick with a nob at the end and sharp pointy things sticking out. This is what the shepherds would use to kill whatever might be attacking the sheep. Bob then reminded us of King David of the Old Testament, another shepherd, who killed a wolf, lion, and bear (oh my!) with his rod. I mean, that's pretty tough! I'm not even sure I could do that with a shot gun, let alone be in arms reach to cobbler the head of a animal trying to kill me.

Honestly, I forget that Jesus fights for me. I see Him usually as the one ahead of me saying, "Here Elise, this way. No no, not there...over here." I see Him calling me away from danger, not fighting it off. What a docile Jesus I have formed in my mind! If only I could see Jesus as Revelation describes Him, with all the victorious and somewhat gory detail. But at the same time not lose His gentleness and love.

I think the best way I've seen this captured so far (aside from Scripture) is in the movie Narnia when Aslan first appears. I don't know about you, but I always wonder what the voice of God sounds like. Well, so far, I choose Liam Neelson. He captures the essence of authority and tenderness so well. When Aslan first speaks, you can't help immediately respect, revere, and yet want to give the lion a hug (okay, maybe that's just me). I wanted to post the video, but YouTube said no. But I encourage you to watch the movie or click the link and you can see what I mean.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BdT7CHdmWco

We are lost sheep, but more importantly, we have a Good Shepherd. A Warrior Shepherd. One of holiness, tenderness, and vicious courage. He is our leader, provider, and protector. I'll leave you with Psalm 23. Please pray that the Holy Spirit would reveal to you God's character rather than what we get.

He is the one who watches over me.

1The LORD is my shepherd,
I shall not want.
2He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside quiet waters.
3He restores my soul;
He guides me in the paths of righteousness
For His name's sake.
4Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
5You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You have anointed my head with oil;
My cup overflows.
6Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

From the mouths of babes...

2008-01-08T11:42:00.000-05:00

I have a confession: for the longest time I have made chronological age and intellectual age equivalent. In layman's terms, I have often assumed that the older you are, the wiser you are. That the teacher should always be older, and those younger should assume their rightful place as the student.

This is wrong. I have had the pleasure to serve on committees and other organizations where the leadership was younger than me, and yet far more equipped than me had I been in their shoes. It was a blow to my pride, for sure, but a wonderful lesson to learn.

But to every lesson is another question: does this apply to faith?

I've been trying to understand the roles of spiritual leadership in relationships, from peers to peers, peers to mentors, boyfriend to girlfriend, husband to wife. What does spiritual leadership mean? How is it manifested? Does being a leader mean you know more than the other person? Are we only challenged by those who know more than us? Or is challenge and leadership more found in the pursuit of holiness, not in the scale of holiness to which you have achieved?

I cannot possibly dissect this in the 10 minutes remaining in my lunch break, but I think the Bible shows us that all of us, no matter where we are on the faith scale, can present equal challenge and strength to eachother. Today, I take my example from the apostle Paul:

Paul was the apostle to the Gentiles. He was their spiritual father, mentor, teacher, rebuker, encourager, and the list goes on and on. Despite his constant battle with sin and humility as the "chief of all sinners," he revolutionized the world with his ministry. I am both humbled and encouraged by his letters, especially Philemon which I may write about in future blog post.But this afternoon, these words from Romans 1 just melted my heart:

"For I long to see you so that I may impart some spiritual gift to you, that you may be established; that is, I may be encouraged together with you while among you, each of us by the other's faith, both yours and mine."

These words remind me that we are encouraged by one another's faith. Whether you have been walking with the Lord for 10 years or 1...whether you approach God from an intellectual or a musical level...whether you know 2000 verses by memory or simply pray constantly for His guidance and wisdom...however the Lord has blessed us as His children, so should we use those gifts to encourage one another. We are encouraged by faith.

As a speech therapist, I am constanly in awe of my superiors who know more than me and can approach my tasks from different angles. Yet, at the same time, the children whom I am teaching blow me away, sometimes even more so. Even as a Christian, my one superior is very black and white, hardcore about his faith in Christ, and sometimes a bit overwhelming. And yet I will never forget the encouraging words from one my pint-sized clients:

Me: Wow, babe, you look like you've gotten taller!
Child: *smiles* I've been pwaying.

God bless your pursuit of His Son and His glory.

Happy New Year, Bedford Falls!

2008-01-02T02:47:00.000-05:00

Do you ever feel so speechless and overwhelmed that all you seem to want to do is run around in the snow yelling I love you to everything you see? Kind of like that scene from 'It's a Wonderful Life" when Jimmy Stewart is being absolutely ridiculous. I love that scene...

I've tried for the last 10 minutes to write something meaningful and profound, some Biblical revelation of the Lord's greatness and power (which are worth writing about). Maybe I'd write about my thoughts on generational sin and behavior. Maybe I'll write about what I read in Zechariah regarding God's involvement from the greatest creation to the smallest details. But I can't. All I can do is write what's on my heart, and right now it's this simple.

It is January 1st.
It's snowing outside.
And I have a boyfriend.

And I feel terrified, mystified, satisfied, content, concerned, freaking out, totally at peace, dumbfounded, and just absolutely awesome.

Tomorrow will be the 2nd.
Tomorrow the snow might melt.
Tomorrow I may or may not have a boyfriend.
I mean honestly, I could very well die in my sleep tonight if God wanted.

But all morbidity aside, this has been the best start to a new year that I have ever had.
And I am so thankful :)

Happy New Year, Bedford Falls :)

I am Christian woman...hear me Xena yell!

2007-12-29T12:34:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I love playing ultimate frisbee. Probably one of my favorite parts is when the frisbee is thrown off to the other team. Usually, the throwing team will yell, "ULTIMATE!!", and the frisbee is thrown, causing everyone to run and collide with eachother wherever the frisbee lands. It's like two groups running into battle. It's awesome.

Well, because of vocal nodules, I deciding yelling "ultimate" probably wasn't the best option for me. So I opted for the "Xena yell." It got the job done, and kinda scared the other team in the process. And it sounded pretty cool haha.

But having a princess warrior's yell doesn't mean I consider myself a warrior princess. On the contrary, I often see myself more as a damsel in distress, getting into trouble, and then waiting for prince charming to come and rescue me from the world, from sin, and from myself. Pathetic, huh?

I've found this dichotomy of being a damsel and a warrior a lot in the Bible. We're called to follow the Lord, and then the go in for Him as His ambassadors. More recently, I found these two personalities while reading Zechariah.

"Rejoice greatly, O daughter of Zion!

Shout in triumph, O daughter of Jerusalem!

Behold, your king is coming to you...

...Then the Lord will appear over them

And His arrow will go forth like Lightening;

And the Lord God will blow the trumpet,

And will march in the storm winds of the south.

The Lord of hosts will defend them...

...And the Lord their God will save them in that day

as the flock of His people;

For they are as the stones of a crown,

Sparkling in His land." (Zechariah 9: 9, 14-15a, 16)

So here is the Lord appearing as a King, a warrior, to rescue His people who are as precious as the crown jewels. But then, in the next chapter, there seems to be a shift...

"My anger is kindled against the shepherds (false prophets),

And I will punish the male goats;

For the lord of hosts has visted His flock, the house of Judah,

And will make them like His majestic horse in battle.

From them will come the cornerstone,

From them the tent peg,

From them the bow of battle,

From them every ruler, all of them together.

They will be as mighty men,

Treading down the enemy in the mire of the streets in battle;

And they will fight, for the Lord will be with them;

And the riders on horses will be put to shame.

I will strengthen the house of Judah,

And I will save the house of Joseph,

And I will bring them back,

Because I have had compassion on them;

And they will be as though I had not rejected them,

For I am the Lord their God and I will answer them."

(Zechariah 10:3-6)

I amazed me that the people who needed to be saved by the Lord would then be strengthened and transformed into mighty men to fight FOR the Lord, and destroy the enemies that searched to destroy them.

I often see the Lord as my warrior, but I rarely see myeslf as anything more than the lost adulterous sheep needing rescued. But the Bible says that we are continually being transformed into His likeness, so why not into a warrior as well? Maybe that is a promise I need to claim for myself: that just as the Lord rescues and fights for me, so I am strengthened to fight for Him.

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7

By the way, Xena Warrior Princess was one of my favorite TV shows as a kid. Too bad they had to make it all weird in the end...*sigh*

My wildest dreamings...

2007-12-25T11:47:00.001-05:00

I haven't posted a blog with just lyrics in a while, but this song is incredibly appropriate right now. Well, minus the subtle inferences of sleeping with someone. And the idea of any official he/she's mine. And the fact that my face is not green.

Other than that, increidibly appropriate.

ELPHABA
Kiss me too fiercely, hold me too tight
I need help believing you're with me tonight
My wildest dreamings could not forsee
Lying beside you with you wanting me

And just for this moment
As long as you're mine
I've lost all resistance
And crossed some border line
And if it turns out it's over too fast
I'll make every last moment last
As long as you're mine

FIYERO
Maybe I'm brainless, maybe I'm wise
But you've got me seeing through different eyes
Somehow I've fallen under your spell
And somehow I'm feeling it's up that I fell

BOTH
Every moment
As long as you're mine
I'll wake up my body
And make up for lost time

FIYERO
Say there's no future for us as a pair

BOTH
And though I may know
I don't care
Just for this moment
As long as you're mine

Come be how you want to
And see how bright we shine
Borrow the moonlight

Until it is through
And know I'll be here holding you
As long as you're mine

FIYERO (spoken) What is it?

ELPHABA (spoken) It's just for the first time, I feel ... awesome :)

Still in the Land of the Living

2007-12-09T01:58:00.000-05:00

When you're blindsided and deceived and chained to the floor
When it's difficult to see the writing on the wall
When it's hard for you to breathe, keep a clear mind
When it's hard for you to be, just to be yourself sometimes
Keep on believing God is soaring above a world that's
running out of love
Pouring hope out over us, His angel doves
- Mindy Smith, Angel Doves

On November 08, 2007, I ended a blogpost with this:

"I believe that we will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. My hope is that we strive to keep living, even when the goodness hasn't quite arrived yet."

How ironic that I could be my own personal prophet. Exactly one month after writing this blog, I needed to hear these very words.

The past two weeks have not been all waltzes and jives. In fact, the days preceding my most recent post were pretty awful. To be completely honest, I was questioning my faith, doubting my salvation, isolating myself from friends, and contemplating suicide. I praise the Lord Jesus Christ that there were no attempts, but those of us who have struggled with suicide can understand that sometimes the thoughts can be as painful as the follow thru. I had reached a point where I felt worthless, had lost any amount of control, and just wanted to give up. It was all too much to bear, and the only way to make it stop was to stop everything.

Dory: Hey there, Mr. Grumpy Gills. When life gets you down do you wanna know what you've gotta do?
Marlin: No I don't wanna know.
Dory: [singing] Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim.

It was at that point that I knew I needed help if I was going to get thru this. But I think the greatest fear in talking about our pain is that no one will understand. And that's true, to a degree. Others may not understand the circumstances. They may not understand how or why we feel the way we do. But we all understand pain. And I think sometimes that's enough. Seeking out those people is hard, painful, and draining, but their love can help the healing process.

Ultimately Jesus Christ is the true source of our healing, but what happens when you can't find the words to talk to Him, or to pray, or to come into His presence?

I had to rely on the words and strength of others to lift me up. This is humbling. I usually have been the strong one in my relationships with others. But this time, I was the paralytic, and I needed others to bring me to Jesus. I needed a Dory to encourage me to keep going when I didn't have the heart to try anymore. And slowly, but surely, I'm healing. I'd say I'm 90% there.

For those of you who might know someone dealing with suicide or simply hurting, remember this: Sometimes I think we make empathy this unattainable emotion. As if we have to experience the exact event or truly know what the person is going thru in order to respond properly. But you don't need to know the intricacies of anatomy to see that someone needs an ambulance. In the same way, you don't have to understand thoughts of suicide to know that a person with those thoughts needs to be listened to and loved.

Honestly, I debated for a couple days whether or not to write this in a blog. So what is my point for writing this? Let me dismiss two in particular.

I don't want attention. Although prayers would be appreciated.
I'm not looking for pity. There are lives much worse than mine.

I suppose I'm writing this in hopes that someone who may be feeling the same thing might know that they're not alone. I've been told by a few people that God has used this blog to inspire, create joy, challenge, and whatever other verbs are appropriate for the encouragment of others. That is humbling and an honor. My hopes is that this post will do the same.

And if not for someone else, maybe for myself in another month from now.

Even if you have been a strong and collected leader, understand that every once in a while, everybody falls. Josh Joplin calls it Gravity. I call it humanity.

Keep striving. Keep swimming. Keep singing...

Another rainy day
I can't recall having sunshine on my face
All I feel is pain
All I wanna do is walk out of this place
But when I am stuck and I can't move
When I don't know what I should do
When I wonder if I'll ever make it through

I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
Your the one that's keeping my heart beating
I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
That's the only way that I'll find healing

Can I climb up in Your lap
I don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
I gotta keep singing
- MercyMe, Keep Singing

Lessons in Obedience: Ballroom Dancing

2007-12-03T00:43:00.000-05:00

For the past two nights, I have found unspeakable joy in the steps and turns of ballroom dancing. I realized my love for it last weekend in Pittsburgh, and made a point to seek out opportunities in Bloomington.

Honestly, I have a lot to learn. Although I am decent at following, the whole experience these past evenings have given me a lot of humility. I don't know the steps, I don't know the moves, I don't know the leadings. I am at the mercy of my partner, and all I can do is listen to what he says, and try my best to follow through. And you know what? This control freak of a woman loves it. I have never felt so much joy in an activity I wasn't good at :) And despite the multiple errors, it makes me want to go back for more. I want to learn the combinations correctly. I want to be so in tune to the promptings of my partner that I gracefully flow wherever he leads.

I have been learning a similar lesson in submitting my life to the total control of Jesus Christ. Only difference is that when I take a wrong step, make a wrong turn...when I sin...my initial response is not to go back to Him and ask him to show me the proper way. I run away, like Cinderella from the ball, knowing that I have been exposed as a fraud...or at least, that's how it feels.

Last weekend, I was caught between the fear of the Lord and the fear of rejection. In the warring of flesh and spirit, the strength to prevail caved from under me and I dropped back into the abyss that has often sent my soul into a spiral of shame, self-hatred, and desperation.

It's an awful place to be, fully recognizing who we are as imperfect humans, the holiness of God, and yet unfortunately forgetting the paradox that occurs when those two truths collide. As a Christians, I am called new creations, and yet I find my way back into the same awful patterns I am supposed to have broken. Sara Groves describes this in her song "Painting Pictures of Egypt". In a sense, I continually look back at my personal Egypt, forgetting the hell from which I was saved and longing for the momentary comforts that eased (but never extinguised) the pain.

But sometimes the knowledge of what is good and bad is not the difficult part. It is when I know what is wrong, and yet go toward it instead of turn away.

Obedience. This is the most difficult lesson, at least for me. To not only say, "No" but to also walk away. It does no good to yell at the lion waiting at the door, ready to devour. God calls me to master it. But right now, I can't seem to tame my lions, my demons. So what do you do if a hungry lion is running toward you and you haven't yet taught it to heel?

Run, and avoid it like the plague.

But what happens when you don't obey? In my case, I start spiraling into an abyss of comparison, shame, and despair. Others around me seem to trip up and learn right away. But I seem to make the same mistakes over and over and over. It's almost like I need lesson after lesson after lesson. And that is frustrating! Why can't it I get it on the first try??

Baby steps. Each lesson is a baby step. And just like dancing, in each lesson you learn something new. It would be ridiculous to assume that after one lesson, be it dancing or battling sin, we would learn all the tricks, all the moves, all the turns, all the dips, and do it flawlessly when the time called for it. Any task must be tackled slowly at the learners pace. Step by step. Victory by victory.

Occasionally, I am frustrated that I do not catch on as quickly as the others on the dance floor. And sometimes I have to sit out a dance or two, and just watch how it is done. Eventually I will learn, but I have to decide to stay in the dance, to be led, and to follow my partner's promptings. I'll learn nothing if I run out of the ball.

And eventually I will have victory over the sin in my life. As long as I seek to learn the steps, allow Christ to lead me, and become more in tune with the Holy Spirit's promptings, I will learn.

We can't give up. Giving up means there is no hope, that there is no chance to turn back. But you only run out of chances when you run out of life. If you are breathing, there is hope. As Sofia said in Vanilla Sky: Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.

I choose the under arm turn, myself :)

Chaos at the Heart of Orion

2007-11-21T19:50:00.000-05:00

Chaos at the Heart of Orion. That is the name of this picture taken from the Spitzer/Hubble space telescope. Yet in the chaos, isn't there such beauty? I hope that the person who took this photo didn't just add the colors for effect, but that they are the true colors God ordained.

I think the Lord ordains His beauty and colors in the chaos of a woman's heart. Even if our beauty is somewhat skewed (any woman wearing mascara can attest that it's not a pretty sight), the Lord can show His beauty, His plan, His majesty.

Peace like a river attended my way this evening. I am in awe of the way the Father of the Universe can arrange the stars in the sky, the planets around the sun, and rearrange the occasional chaotic moments of my emotions and mind.

The rollercoaster highs and lows, drives and defeats, and some of these occuring in a matter of 24 hours is sometimes daunting and frustrating. But all in all, it makes me aware that admist the confusion in my heart, the Sovereign God of the Universe still has me under control as well :)

Prince of Peace, You are my God

my Savior, friend, and confidant

forgive my doubts; i will celebrate

the love You are and gave of late

the plans of mine may fall apart

postponed, deterred, or altered still

but i will rest with joy, my Lord

that never changing is Your will

forbid me, Lord, to put my hope

in plans or gifts or thoughts of mine

though an off'ring, and prayerful filled

it is You in whom i will abide

Peace, but not as of the world

yet giv'n to us upon this earth

bestowed upon the hearts of those

stayed on God and Savior's birth

Oh holy Brother, truest friend

I will forever follow Thee

lead me where Your road may end

even if to calvary

A Deeper Hook

2007-11-11T14:08:00.000-05:00

It doesn't matter what I say

So long as I sing with inflection

That makes you feel I'll convey

Some inner truth or vast reflection

But I've said nothing so far

And I can keep it up for as long as it takes

And it don't matter who you are

If I'm doing my job then it's your resolve that breaks

Because the hook brings you back

I ain't tellin' you no lie

The hook brings you back

On that you can rely

I was described the other day by my friend Sara as being "subdued." This was a momentous occasion. I have never, in my life, been described as any characteristic in the range of"calm-collected-subdued". One might say that this was just poor insight on her part, but knowing Sara and her careful choice of words, I attribute this as testimony to the Lord's work in my life.

In the pursuit of being "subdued," I have also begun to understand the power behind words. The pastor of our church's youth group is very careful of the words he chooses, often pausing the middle of sentences as he searches his inner thesaurus for what will capture the essence of his message.

Poetry can take my breath away. The grace of Robert Frost can take to the birch tree forest or those two roads diverged in a wood.

If you think about it, how many people often say, "It's a matter of semantics?" We use words to communicate our thoughts. In my studies as a speech pathologist, language was described as a "magical phenomenon" in which one person can telepathically create their mental image in the mind of another, simply by uttering sounds together in a sequence. It's beautiful really.

I say this because I am often not careful with words, and can often reflect the song I quoted above. It is a challenge to myself: is what I am saying really meaningful, or simply the ramblings of a manic state? Does it have substance, or just sound important?

Especially when writing worship music, do my songs impact others because of the thunderous roar of the drums and intricate guitar interludes, or do the words actually carry weight in themselves? I once heard a adjudicator gave a low score to my friend's song because "la la la's" don't bring people to Christ. Harsh, but is truth to that if the message behind the songs is just, "la la la..."

The hook might bring you back.

But I pray that with the power of the Holy Spirit, I can find the wisdom and words to stay with you or whomever forever.

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life

2007-11-08T15:12:00.000-05:00

Okay. Two blogs in a row. But aren't the Lord's works meritted for two blogs? I mean, John said that Jesus' entire life and miracles couldn't be contained even if one continued writing. So I suppose two blogs in a day should be fine.

Picture in your mind the lightbulb coming on and then instantly a short fuse occurs. If this were a Demotivator, like the one above, the caption might read something like this: "Even the best ideas can have short fuses. But at least the idea was there, right?"

That describes my heart's condition in the time between this blog, and the one before it. It would be useless to rehash what happened, but it is never useless to sing (or blog) the Lord's praises after adversity (which is another great Demotivator if you have time).

As the Lord has it for His children, self loathing and pessimistic "woe is me's" need not last for long when we look upon the Lord. Just as He reminded me many blogs ago, "The shadow of these things [on earth] will fade in the light that shines from You." And thankfully the light of the Lord never fades, and in Heaven we won't need the sun or the moon, but only His presence as our light!

So what light shined today?

- The access to internet which allowed me to read three articles, which reminded me that the Lord has me right where He wants me and yes, I do enjoy where I am :)

- Demotivators with their sarcastic wit. Ironic how the demotivators motivate joy in life :)

- The smiling, mischievious face of one particular kindergartner who insists on calling me "Mister H." He wants to get a rise of out me. He usually gets a smile :)

- Teacher euphemisms for problem kids. I usually refer to these spritely sized terrors as having a lot of "personality." Another teacher ingeniously coined the term "having texture". It's much better to think of it that way, and I think that it humanizes the child as well :)

These are small things, and I do not suggest that in all times of doubt, grief, or horror, a nice colloquial will bring the rainbow out in the rain. But I am thankful for the times when it does.

I believe that we will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. My hope is that we strive to keep living, even when the goodness hasn't quite arrived yet.

Last Prophet Standing

2007-11-08T08:53:00.000-05:00

The battle of the prophets. Here it seems like these two prophets, Hananiah and Jeremiah, are in some religious form of a political debate. The first speaks of deliverance; the other predicts enslavement. The first sooths the fear of the people; the other promises the approaching nightmare. Jeremiah’s response to Hananiah’s prophecy intrigue me:

“Amen! May the Lord do so; may the Lord confirm your words which you have prophesied to bring back the vessels of the Lord’s house and all the exiles, from Babylon to this place…”

But then he puts on a clause: “May it happen; but only when it happens will we know it is true.”

It’s almost like he’s saying, “Sure, go ahead, fly off the building, and when you do, come back and tell me.”

He doesn’t out rightly put merit in Hananiah’s words.

“The prophet who prophesies of peace, when the word of the prophet comes to pass, then that prophet will be known as one whom the Lord has truly sent.”

You’ll know the true prophet and the true prophecies when they happen. Until then, just wait?

So we’re supposed to wait around to see what happens? How long? How long are we to decide which are true and which are false? This seems like a pretty horrible answer, actually. Not that I would argue with its validity, but come on!

I’m not sure how long we’re supposed to wait for the Lord’s promises. Hebrews makes it clear that many of the people only saw their promises from a distance, and ultimately the promise of Christ came many generations after the initial promises of a Messiah.

Why’d they have to wait so long? Why did the Lord lay out the foundation of Christ, only for him to come many many generations later?

I don’t know.

But in this passage, Jeremiah’s “test” proves it’s point, at least when it comes to the true or false prophet. After the debate, Jeremiah goes to Hananiah basically to say, “You’re not the true prophet; and in fact, because you’re not true and you’re leading my people astray, you’re going to die within the year.”

And he does. Within 2 months, Hananiah is dead.

I’m not sure if the people knew of this prophecy against Hananiah. It seems like Jeremiah goes to him outside of the debate and the public eye. So were the people affected by his death? Did it then register, “Oh, well, this prophet died, so his words must be dead too.”

But ultimately, the source of the prophecy ends. It was a pretty short debate in the long run of which prophet would remain standing, especially as Jeremiah had been spared his life from his previous death threats. So, in this case (unlike the last one), both prophets were threatened with death: first from the people, second from the Lord. And look who’s left standing?

In Your word, You have shown your power. I will know the true prophecies in my life when they occur, and You will make it clear. You will kills those promises that are false so that I may clearly see Your truth. And you can do this swiftly, within two months or two years, or two minutes. Father, I ask for your mercy and forgiveness for perhaps holding hope out for promises I have taken as my own. But please Father, make it clear.

Habakkuk 2:1-4
1 I will stand my watch

And set myself on the rampart,

And watch to see what He will say to me,

And what I will answer when I am corrected.

2 Then the LORD answered me and said:

“ Write the vision and make it plain on tablets,

That he may run who reads it.

3 For the vision is yet for an appointed time;

But at the end it will speak, and it will not lie.

Though it tarries, wait for it;

Because it will surely come,

It will not tarry.

4 “ Behold the proud,

His soul is not upright in him;

But the just shall live by his faith.

The House of Prayer can be A House of Pain

2007-10-29T14:25:00.000-04:00

Jeremiah 26
Cities of Judah Warned

In the beginning of the reign of Jehoiakim the son of Josiah, king of Judah, this word came from the LORD, saying, "Thus says the LORD, 'Stand in the court of the LORD'S house, and speak to all the cities of Judah who have come to worship in the LORD'S house all the words that I have commanded you to speak to them Do not omit a word! Perhaps they will listen and everyone will turn from his evil way, that I may repent of the calamity which I am planning to do to them because of the evil of their deeds."

"And you will say to them, 'Thus says the LORD, "If you will not listen to Me, to walk in My law which I have set before you, to listen to the words of My servants the prophets, whom I have been sending to you again and again, but you have not listened; then I will make this house like Shiloh, and this city I will make a curse to all the nations of the earth."'"

When I first read this passage, I naturally assumed that this prophecy was directed toward those who were not following God, in direct disobedience with His will, and not even seeking His face. And yet in the second verse it is clear that the audience of this prophecy were those in the temple, those going to worship the Lord in HIS House. And yet their response to the divine rebuke is to kill Jeremiah. Was it out of pride, of the assumption that going to the house of the Lord meant being right in the Lord’s presence? That seeking to be in His temple equaled seeking to be in the presence of God?

Do we not go to church in order to understand His ways, to learn more about Him, to be transformed in a place of teaching? And yet sometimes we do not want to accept that teaching, especially if it points out where we are wrong.

I know that I have felt this way. I want to go to church and maintain the spirit of "Hallelujah! Let's sing another song." Not, "Oh mericiful Father, I confess that I am wrong." Sometimes church is the only place that I can sit for an hour and hear from the Lord. So if I'm on the wrong path, it should not surprise me that I'll be redirected in God's house.

And this is what the Lord says in verse 3, the natural response of God’s people, to listen to His word and repent. And, the Lord gives the consequence if He is not followed. That’s love as well: it may be seen as a threat, but in the words of some screenplay writer, “It’s not a threat; it’s a promise.”

My pastor once said the most dangerous place to be is in God's presence, because we are fully exposed. I wonder if at times we want to go to God's house to compound our masquerade of self-perfection, instead of seeking God's revelation of Himself and His will in our lives.

I pray that all of us might heed the word of the Lord, and that those of us who regularly go into the House of God would enter prepared to hear whatever the Lord wants to say to us. That we listen to the Lord’s words, including His rebuke, seeking to be conformed to His will and follow His commands. When we come to the places designed for His worship, we must come with the intent for which the place was designed: HIS worship, not our own.

Lord Jesus, open my eyes today. I know that I am constantly in your presence. Let me be consciously aware of Your voice and the promptings of the Spirit.

Columbus Redeemed

2007-10-28T17:46:00.000-04:00

For the past 4 years I had determined that Columbus, OH was settled on the mouth of hell. Driving thru the city usually resulted in some mishap, from losing luggage at the Columbus bus terminal, delayed bus trips, and my mom losing her gall bladder. Well, I am thankful and surprised to say that the Lord has redeemed Columbus, and I am the better for it.

The weekend in the "damned" city was supposed to be a simple get together with my parents. But God also allowed me to visit two of my friends the night before, and stay with my roommate's parents for the evening. Driving to all 4 corners of Columbus (literally) gave me a much better perspective of the city, other than the dismal Greyhound bus terminal. Also, the city is arranged like a spokeswheel, which makes it MUCH better to travel than Pittsburgh or Indianapolis. NO ONE WAYS!!! Hallelujah!

However, the best driving experience of the night was getting lost between 3:30-5am.

See, Google maps is awesome, except when you Google the wrong address. In my rush, I found directions to the correct street in the WRONG city (Brixton Drive in COLUMUB instead of HILLIARD). I don't realize that I have the wrong address until AFTER driving UP and DOWN the street 4 times and peering in random houses windows. Literally, peering against the windows to realize, "Nope...not this house". Keep in mind, this is at 4:20 in the morning. I'm surprised I wasn't arrested.

Unwilling to wake up my roommates parents (that's where I was trying to go), I called my friend Stephen in Chicago, who is notorious for staying up late. Well, he wasn't up at this point, but had the grace to wake himself up and be my Onstar for the evening. He guided me street by street from Columbus to Hilliard, which luckily was only 20 mins, but still....what a stellar guy! I arrived at my destination safe and sound and exhausted...it was now 5am. I told Stephen I owed him a dinner. Usually he'd deny it and say God be the glory, but this time he didn't oppose haha.

God also showed his redemptive grace in my conversation with my parents regarding my desire to go to New Zealand. What was most awesome is my dad was the one who brought it up. When mentioning my friend on Campus Crusade staff at OSU, my dad said, "Elise, if you like missions so much, maybe you should do it." This is a 180 turn around from his first comment regarding missions when I became a Christian: "Don't come back wanting to go to the Congo." Of course my mom still has hesitancies, but God gave me the words and the grace to explain my dream (see previous blog), my reasons, and my heart for the Lord's will in my life.

So, yeah. God totally rocked my weekend. Columbus is actually a beautiful city, great roadways, and how nice that everything is about 20 mins from eachother. BUT, my appreciation only goes so far...I'm still a die-hard Michigan fan. Sorry, Buckeyes.

I'll end this blog with promises the Lord reminded me of. Have a blessed day!

Thus says the Lord God of Israel, "Like these good figs, so I will regard as good teh captives of Judah, whom I have sent out of this place into the land of the Chaldeans. For I will set My eyes on them for good, and I will bring them again to this land; and i will build them up and not overthrow them, and I will plant them and not pluck them up. I will give them a heart to know Me, for I am the Lord; and they will be My people, and I will be their God, for they will return to Me with their whole heart." - Jeremiah 24: 5-7

"Every day I put hope on the line. I don't know one thing about the future. I don't know what the next hour will hold. There may be sickness, accident, personal or world catastrophe. Before this day is over, I may have to deal with death, pain, loss, rejection. I don't know what the future holds for me, for those I love, for my nation, for this world. Still, despite my ignorance and surrounded by tinny optimists and cowardly pessimists, I say that God will accomplish his will, and I cheerfully persist in living in the hope that nothing will seperate me from Christ's love." - Eugene Peterson, A Long Obedience in the Same Direction

Playing Joseph: A Dream of Commitment, Stability, and Elusivity

2007-10-25T23:22:00.001-04:00

Whenever you're called on to make up your mind,

and you're hampered by not having any,
the best way to solve the dilemma, you'll find,
is simply by spinning a penny.
No - not so that chance shall decide the affair
while you're passively standing there moping;
but the moment the penny is up in the air,
you suddenly know what you're hoping.
- Piet Hein (1905-1996)

Whether dreams are the substance of the subconscious, a prophetic message from God, or simply a wish your heart makes, I believe they contain information pertinent to our reality. Personally, I have experienced dreams that fit into all three of the categories listed above. But last night's dream was strong enough to make me seek beyond the obvious scenario and wonder, "Is there something more to this than meets the mind's eye?"

In the dream, I discover that I am married to my best guy friend. We’ll call him “Nate”. Apparently, the marriage was sudden because because I was pregnant, but the baby was either aborted or died in a miscarriage. I totally flip out. First, I am incredibly anxious that I have married this man, essentially without consent. Second, my parents have no knowledge of this marriage, which would piss my mother off. I insist that we “remarry” so that they can be there, although I’m still not thrilled with the idea. We hold the ceremony in a catholic church, which is not my church, and the rituals of the marriage are awkward and strange. To further complicate the matter, during the ceremony, I realize that the musician for the wedding is the guy that I currently have feelings for, but doesn’t acknowledge them in return. We’ll call him “Tom.” Throughout the wedding I am overwhelmed with anxiety, because I realize that being married to Nate completely ends the possibility of being with Tom.

Sounds like a typical dream soap opera…but there’s more to it.

I’ve had several dreams of these men before. “Nate” has always been the man I turn to when a crisis occurs. In my apocalyptic dreams, I’m always with him or searching for him. When we are together in Dreamland, we are happy and comfortable with each other. In reality, “Nate” is my best friend, the man I have the utmost respect and really epitomizes the stable life. In a symbolic sense, I think “Nate” represents stability and security.

My dreams about “Tom” are less stable. We are never dating, but always friends. But each dream has an element of detachment. I am either watching from a distance or silently listening to his explanation that he’s not ready for a relationship and may never be. He goes about his life, and I stand there at a distance, wondering if I’ll ever be able to tell him my true feelings. It is a typical “What if” relationship. I believe that “Nate” represents the unknown, mystery, and the elusive “what if” of life.

So why am I so bothered about this particular dream with these men? Never before have they ever been in the same dream. And even more poignant is that they appear in a dream that’s setting is the most tangible form of commitment: marriage.

I’ve been thinking all day what this dream could mean. I do not believe it is a prophetic dream of who I will marry. But there may be prophetic elements to it. Here is my currently interpretation of this dream.

It is clearly a dream of anxiety and of repressed desire. Recently, I have been anxious about my next step in life. My mother wants me to pursue grad school. I’m toying with the idea of going to New Zealand.

Now for the interpretation.

I believe that the marriage ceremony represents a form of commitment. And the fact that I did not realize I was married signifies that I feel this commitment is being made for me, that I do not have a say in my decision for the future.

I believe that “Nate” represents the stability of choosing grad school. Of all my male friends, “Nate” is the most pragmatic choice for a husband, and grad school is the logical future choice with consideration to academic and financial pursuits. However, grad school is not necessarily MY choice, but my mom’s choice, and in the dream, I am very concerned about my mom’s involvement in my “marriage” or commitment.

I believe that “Tom” is the riskier, more elusive future endeavors, namely New Zealand. My heart desire is to be with “Tom”, so maybe this dream is showing that I really want to pursue New Zealand, or whatever choice it is, even if I am unsure of its outcome.

I think “Nate” and “Tom” both being present at the wedding is a subconscious means of comparing the two opposing choices for my future. If I were to take this dream as prophetic, it could mean that my choice to go to grad school would not be my own but chosen to satisfy my mother. Grad school would determine my future, but I would always desire and yearn for the “what if” of the road less traveled.

There was no ending to this wedding. There was no “kiss the bride” or processional. Instead, the dream ended with a familiar scene. “Tom” and I are sitting at the back of my church (not the catholic church). We are friends, and he is telling me, “I’m not sure if I’m ready for a relationship, and I’m not sure when I may be.” He stands up, and begins to walk to the opposite side of the church. I remain sitting, silent, wondering if I should go after him, and if I’ll ever be able to tell him my true feelings.

Perhaps the transition from the catholic church to my church means I have returned to my choices instead of the imposed beliefs of another. Perhaps Tom’s remarks symbolize the unknown and underdeveloped plans of the future. Maybe my response is my fear of risk in pursuing what I want, despite it being my true desire.

Or maybe it is just a reoccurring dream, replaying the knowledge of unrequited love. I still haven’t figured that part out.

Gardasil...not just for whores

2007-09-20T00:31:00.000-04:00

Hi. I'm Elise. And I am one less.

This is the statement made by women on the advertisement for the Gardasil vaccine. The vaccine protects women from some of the deadliest forms of the HPV virus which causes cervical cancer. In the commercial, the women are rejoicing.

Why do I feel like I'm in an AA meeting?

I am frustrated with the seemingly accepted interpretation that the Gardasil vaccine is for women who lead promiscuous lives, choosing to sleep around instead of remaining abstinent until marriage. I have heard this more than once, especially among my friends and family who are Christians.

This blog is not to shine a bad light on Christianity. It is not to identify Christians as harsh, judgmental individuals. I am sure that there are Christians who do not see Garadsil as an admission of fornication, and non-Christians who do. In any case, I do believe there is a misconception here, and I'd like to try and change that.

I do not know everything about cervical cancer, but I do know that it is deadly and can kill...

...let me repeat: KILL.

It is my understanding that people fight to survive cancer. That we celebrate those who have survived. And that we walk miles and donate millions of dollars in the hopes of someday finding a cure.

So why is it that when a woman receives the Gardasil vaccine, she risks also receiving a scarlet letter?

Yes, cervical cancer is spread thru sexual contact. This affects women who commit fornication and adultery. This also affects women who are the victims of boyfriends or fiances who previously led promiscuous lives. It affects wives married to husbands who secretly have affairs. It affects the rape victim who was drugged at a party. And it affects the 11 year old girl, perhaps not even thinking about sex, who contracts the virus after being molested.

Would you advise any woman in these circumstances to avoid protection from a virus that she could contract even if it wasn't her fault?

Or what about the Christian women who are in constant battle with their desire for sex? Would you condemn a woman for seeking this vaccine knowing that she may lose a battle? Let me assure you, as a Christian woman who is in this war day in and day out, my decision to receive the Gardasil vaccine was not so I could stop fighting and jump into bed.

Would this even be an issue if the virus being prevented was HIV? Why do I have a suspicion that if an AIDS vaccination came out, everyone would be rushing to their doctors?

I admit that I have been angry writing this blog. But the Holy Spirit has just now changed my heart from anger to sadness. The women who receive this vaccination (including myself) should not be immediately judged as promiscuous or seeking promiscuity for having this vaccination. Our desire is to be one less.

One less woman to die prematurely.

One less woman to leave her daughter without a mother.

One less woman to die from her husband's mistakes.

One less woman to die from her mistakes....

...Please do not label us one less Christian.

NYC: Not Yeilding (to) Complacently

2007-08-02T22:45:00.000-04:00

I spent the last weekend in New York City for a reunion with 4 of my friends from Interlochen. It was a blast. 4 of us met up Saturday evening, ate dinner, walked around Time Square and Little Italy, and played detective/stalker in a desperate attempt to locate the final member of our motley crew who was arriving from DC.

It was a great time reuniting. We were all still unique in our old ways, and yet were now 20 somethings who had just matured in that uniquness. It's hard to describe everything in a blog, but I learned once again that in a month, you can form the most wonderful friendships.

Or they can form in 8 hours.

I was supposed to leave on Monday afternoon. Arriving at the correct airport but wrong terminal, I finally rushed to my plane only to find it had been delayed...to the next morning. Too impatient to wait in line to see how the airline would compensate, I reboarded the bus to downtown. I made friends with a grad student name Josh who had just arrived from a bachelor party in Montreal. He walked with me to the Metro which was a blessing as I wasn't sure which train was correct.

I arrived at Columbus Circle and withdrew $50 from my account (I had lost my debit card the night before). With none of my friends picking up their phones, I decided to go back to the Irish pub I had visited for lunch that afternoon. John, the bartender from Belfast, welcomed me back with the Irish dialect that had brought me back in the first place.

I sat at the bar, and proceeded to explain my story: the lost card, the cancelled flight, the unreturned phone calls. The story evolved into a conversation between John, myself, and a young engaged British couple sitting next to me. The girl, Leanne, offered to buy me a drink. "We're on holiday!" she said. So she, her fiance Ben, and I continued to dinner, talking about politics, the difference in British and American school systems, my family heritage in England, British behavior at soccer games, and so on. I learned that England does NOT still refer to the US as "the Colonies" and how offering a British girl a Diet Coke is an insult ("What? Are you calling me fat?") And they insisted to cover each bill. "It's holiday!" I like British holidays...

We called it a night around 10pm, where I took a taxi to my friend Lindsey's apartment ($15). In the morning, I taxied again to Laguardia ($35). That totaled $50, the amount I had to spend in the first place. God does provide beyond our expectations...

And what a provision! Instead of another day with past-time friends, I met international "mates" who not only paid for my expenses and offered "wicked" conversations, but also invited me to stay with them in England. Looks like talking to strangers can sometimes be a wonderful experience :)

Oh, and why am I not yeilding to complacency: being in New York made me realize there is so much more in the world than the one in which I live. Being surrounded by people of different languages and different histories and different views reminds me that there are people beyond those I already know. I was becoming complacent in the post-university world I was developing. But this trip reminded me that this year IS a transition period. What lays ahead is unknown, but it is so much bigger than I imagined.

Life was never meant to be lived complacently. Open all the doors and let you out into the world...

nothing new, but everything learned

2007-07-21T13:19:00.000-04:00

God is good, faithful, and true. He will not let his glory be shared with another. He is my Father, Creator, Healer, Comforter, everything thing I need, the only thing I have.

Yet in the midst of this hope and joy, allow me to be sad today...inspiration will come soon.

Well painted passion
You rightly suspect
Impersonation
The dumbing down of love
Jaded in anger
Love underwhelms you
No box of chocolates
Whichever way you fall

And if I tell you
Lover alone without love
What will happen
Lover alone without love
Will you miss him?
Love alone without, without love

No, no I'll get this
I want to treat you
You're still not famous
And you haven't struck it rich
Underachieving
'Cause no one's receiving
This tunnel vision
It's turning out all wrong

And if I tell you
Lover alone without love
What will happen
Lover alone without love
Will you miss him?
Love alone without, without love

- Frou Frou

Until all I have left is You

2007-07-07T17:45:00.000-04:00

the treasures I had set my sights on
gather rust before my eyes
the truth that I had based my life on
is uncovered as a bed of lies
and the promises I had received
were just myself giving them to me

You take away
You take away
and all I have is You
You take away
You take away
until all I have is You

the shadows of these things will fade
in the light that shines from You

Lord take away
take away
so all I have left is You
Lord, take away
take away
until all I have is You

I have discovered that running is one of the best ways for me to focus on the Lord and pray to Him. This is probably because after 5 minutes my legs are killing me and my ankles want to turn directions not meant for the human body, which leads me to pray for the Lord to keep me going and not die on Hillside Drive.

Running also allows me to see things that I usually would overlook while driving. For instance, when I collapsed on the ground due to heat exhaustion, I saw a huge pile of HUGE boulders that were arranged in a weird cave formation. Probably an old abandoned house at one point. I probably would have climbed the fence to explore had there not been barbed wire at the top. Good thinking, Deer Park Management.

But most of all, when I run or walk, I am blown away by God's creation. His sky, the coloring of the grass, the hills and valley contours of the landscape; it blows me away. I am so much more thankful for a breeze in the hot sun than the safety of air conditioning (which is a blessing too).

While walking back home from the church (I was too exhausted to run), I was realizing all the things of this world that the Lord has stripped and is stripping from me. As the freestyle worship flowed, I found myself saying, "You take away, You take away, and all I have left is You."

I used to see God as taking things from me as punishment. A relationship, a job endeavor, a friendship. But now, at the age of 22 when all my friends seem to be having their dreams fulfilled, I see that God is stripping me so that I can be with Him alone, without distractions. It was a lesson I briefly learned at camp this past week when I had to focus on middle school girls and not my own selfish desires.

And the kicker: with friends getting married and others engaged and relationships blossoming like wildflowers, I thought how nice it would be to get flowers from a guy. And at that thought, I realized I was walking next to a garden of purple mini sunflowers. Silly huh? A girl longs for a guy to extend a bouquet, when the Lord of creation creates a field of them.

I love Him :)

sticks and stones hurt

2007-07-02T11:43:00.000-04:00

even if you love someone, there are days when you don't want to love them. it's a horrible desire, but maybe you allow it because you know you always will love them regardless. but how do you want to love someone? how do you choose to love them, when the catalyst for the original pain resurfaces? and how do you prepare for a scar to reopen? is there preventative action? prayer and petition? denial? all out war? how about a song....

Sticks
written by Elise Hindmarsh

i first remember you
staring at the calendar
wondering where you were

the weeks had gone
and i was old enough to count them
one by one

one, two, you used to buckled my shoe
three, four, and then you shut the door
five, six, i'm still picking up the sticks you threw

do you know how deep you cut
how deep it has grown
idealism born
innocence lost

but you're not to blame
you had your own business to attend
but that was the problem even then

one, two, you used to buckle my shoe
three, four, and then you shut the door
five, six, i'm still picking up the sticks you threw
seven, eight, sometimes i think it's too late
nine, ten, to redo it all again

i still remember you
and looking in the mirror
i can see you in me

do i move on?
accept you as you are
as i cover up the scar

one, two, i will buckle my shoe
three, four, if you come back thru the door
five, six, i will burn all the sticks you threw
seven, eight, it is never too late
nine, ten, to redo it all again

a love i can believe

2007-06-30T14:18:00.000-04:00

Sarah McLachlan's album "Afterglow" is almost my theme album for my relationship with Jesus Christ. I'm just infatuated with the lyrics, and they always push me towards my love for my Savior and my hope admist sinful failures and the struggle to hold fast to the cross. I was playing the album while getting ready for a wedding. At 22, with the illusion that all my friends are in relationships or engaged or married, this song rekindled the true love in my heart for Jesus Christ.

I do not regard Jesus as my lover or boyfriend (I actually despise that view), but He is the most intimate love that I have ever had. He knows the deepest parts of me, and reveals myself to me in gentleness or with the occasional slap to the face when I need it. All in all, He is the love of my life as my Lord, Savior, and Creator. It is His kindness that brings this fickle daughter of Eve back to His arms. He's the one true thing I know I can believe in.

Push ~ Sarah McLachlan

Every time I look at you
the world just melts away
All my troubles all my fears dissolve in your affections
You've seen me at my weakest
but you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land

[CHORUS:]
You stay the course
you hold the line
you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
You're all the things that I desire,
you save me, you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe

I get mad so easy
but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do
'cause you're to good to fight about it
Even when I have to push
just to see how far you'll go
You wont stoop down to battle
but you never turn to go

[CHORUS]

Your love is just the antidote
when nothing else will cure me
There are times I cant decide
when I cant tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I'd drown
But you pick me up and brush me off
and tell me I'm OK
Sometimes thats just what I need to get me through the day

Forgiving What I've Done

2007-06-22T00:01:00.000-04:00

I really enjoy Linkin Park. I got turned onto them about 4 years ago, and totally fell in love with their lyrics. I think they embody the internal struggle of humanity...okay, at least my humanity. Their latest song echoed a lot of what I'm going thru right now, both in the negative and positive light. Their music video is appealing, but does not reflect how I interpret the song. But I'm sure it's worth watching anyways. Maybe one day I'll redo it. Until then, here are the lyrics........Love and peace.

What I've Done ~ Linkin Park

In this farewell
There’s no blood
There’s no alibi
‘Cause I’ve drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies

So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done

I’ve faced myself
To cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done

Put to rest
What you thought of me
Well I cleaned this slate
With the hands
Of uncertainty

So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done

I’ve faced myself
To cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done

For what I’ve done
I’ll start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I’m forgiving what I’ve done

I’ve faced myself
To cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done

What I’ve done
Forgiving what I’ve done

Adamant

2007-06-20T02:01:00.000-04:00

Adamant
words inspired by John Donne's first Holy Sonnet

You have made me
but will Your work decay?
repair me now for now my end is coming fast
i run to death and death meets me halfway
and all my pleasures seem to be the same
as yesterday

and Your grace may help me to prevent his art
and like adamant, draw my iron heart!

i wonder if there'll be
a deeper sense of deep awakening
and if i'll ever be lost in only You
i wonder if they'll see
the deeper parts deep inside of me
and if they were to see
would they see only You?

i will not move my dim eyes away
despair behind, and death before
they cast such terror
and my feeble flesh wastes away
by the sin inside, i think i might see hell today

and Your grace may help me to prevent his art
and like adamant, draw my iron heart!

i wonder if there'll be
a deeper sense of deep awakening
and if i'll ever be lost in only You
i wonder if they'll see
the deeper parts deep inside of me
and if they were to see
would they see only You?

only You are above, and when at last you give
me the grace to look, i can rise again
but our old subtle foe tempts well and i play his game
not one hour on my own can i sustain

but Your, it helps me to prevent his art
and like adamant, draw my iron heart!

i wonder if there'll be
a deeper sense of deep awakening
and if i'll ever be lost in only You
i wonder if they'll see
the deeper parts deep inside of me
and if they were to see
would they see only You?

and i know there will be
a deeper sense of deep awakening
and someday i will be lost in only You
and one day all will see
the deepest parts deep inside of me
and then they'll finally see
that it was always You

Superficial Saint

2007-06-12T00:16:00.000-04:00

oh Lord, i lift Your name up
although i'm down and out myself
out of control

and i will glorify You
for You're the only one who sees
the only One who knows

and i still cannot make sense of this situation
could this mess i'm in still lead to my salvation?

so discipline me, Lord
take my heart
and bring me to my knees
captivate me, Lord
set my eyes beyond what i see
consecrate me, Lord
strip away this world
i've made my friend
discipline me, Lord
the pain will lead to peace
in the end

oh Lord, the darkness claims me
and the chains i gladly wore
wear me down

oh please accept my weary plea
and accept my weary faith
tainted with doubt

for i know Your knowledge of me goes much deeper
than this superficial saint
to the sinner who needs the slate erased

...

i have yet to shed blood
up against the sin Your Son
took upon Him with the crown of thorns
although this road is filled with pain
my eyes will still remain
on Jesus Christ
the perfecter of my faith

...

Let It Burn

2007-06-08T16:10:00.001-04:00

here i am, the scattered seed
stranded by the side of the road
suffocated, choked to death
left here for the crows

is this fire to refine
or what is waiting for me on the other side

it creeps up onto me
smoke fills my lungs
and i can hardly breathe
but all i want

is to let it burn, let it burn
let it burn me away
let it burn, let it burn
let it burn me away

dust to ashes to the ground
six feet later gone to meet my Maker
can you make me any less
than the princess in my mind

it creeps up onto me
smoke fills my lungs
and i can hardly breathe
but all i want

is to let it burn, let it burn
let it burn me away
let it burn, let it burn
let it burn me away

oh, is this fire to refine
or what is waiting on the other side

it creeps up onto me
smoke fills my lungs
and i can hardly breathe
but all i want

is to let it burn, let it burn
let it burn me away
let it burn, let it burn
let it burn me away

Facebook redeemed...again

2007-05-20T11:54:00.000-04:00

I swear my relationship with Facebook is a fickle one. For the past month or so, I had sworn off the webpage due to my inability to use it wisely...yes, I got sucked into stalker-like qualities. Of no one in particular, but the incessant checking of friends' pages was taking up more time than was God glorifying.

I was happy. It felt like chains were removed and I became much more productive.

Two evenings ago I was showing my IU friends my "past life," that of a diva thesbian bent on the pursual of Broadway stardom. It was my Interlochen portfolio. As we turned thru the pages, I told story after story as if I had just witnessed each occasion. Faces were completely recognizable. I remembered names I haven't spoken in years (almost 7 to be exact). My heart longed for these people as a lost family.

So, yeah the dream: Our family was reunited. We met together as a "Bring in the Morning" reunion. Jacob, Elan, Ethan, Mark, Amy, Mel, Ben, Will, Todd, Kyle...there was 20 of us, but perhaps 5 or 6 could not make it. We didn't do a reprise of our beloved musical, but just caught up. Some were married, some were still in college, some were trying to make it on the Broadway stage. It was amazing. I'm pretty sure I cried, but I know I at least squealed with joy. I guess I haven't changed much from when I was 15.

I woke up, and knew I had to get in touch with these friends. How....facebook. *sigh* Here we go again. I prepared for the messages of "WTF, mate?" on my return (I got about 3 of them so far), and started the search. I whipped out the old cast program and went down the list. Praise the Lord, I found about 80% of them. Holy cow, how some have changed. So many of them are pursuing theater or singing careers. It was nice to see their passion was not a middle school fantasy. One by one a friend request was sent out, and one by one, they responded. Some with disbelief, some with excitement, and some with no response at all haha. And with each friend request was sent a event request: Will you come to Interlochen August 3rd for a troupe reunion?

I hope that each one will remember our family and make their way to Interlochen this summer. To see all of them would be a dream come true. Literally.

Bring in the morning
Bring me my share
Bring in the morning...

...I'll be there

Eggshells and Jedi

2007-05-02T16:06:00.000-04:00

Nothing in this world it seems can sweep me off my feet
Everythings amazing, but only in theory
Someone help me cause Im losing it quietly

Thats just the problem with me these days
Im walking on eggshells
Nothing ever goes wrong and nothing ever goes right
I dont know how to get help
And everything is perfect
But nothing ever moves me
Nothing ever goes wrong and nothing ever goes right
Give me feathers or give me nails
Im walking on eggshells

You might be the one for me but I will never know
I cant fall in love if I've fallen asleep
Will I ever wake up?

The author of this song (Landon Pigg) is reading my heart. It's the dichotomy of Christian knowing and feeling. Everything the Spirit holds, all the truth in the Bible, the beauty of God, it is all amazing. But lately it has only been a theory. It has been a hope and aspiration, not a daily experience. I have felt it before, but it flees. C.S Lewis described this as the downfall to joy: that once you have felt it, you are never satisfied until you can find it again. And in response, you search around endlessly for something that will make the joy return. Thus, I can fall prey to falling in love to what is right in front of me. Placing my hope in something visible as my impatience takes over.

I guess that is why Christians are called to hope for what we do not see. The coming of Christ, the full and active reign of the Lord, and joy that never fades.

I watched Star Wars Episode III this afternoon. No way is the Force an allegory for Christ's power to his people, but the good vs. evil theme ultimately draws parallels. In one scene, Anakin is talking to Yoda about his premonitions of Padme's death. I felt the Lord speaking directly to me in Yoda's response:

Yoda: Careful you must be when sensing the future Anakin. The fear of loss is a path to the dark side.
Anakin Skywalker: I won't let these visions come true, Master Yoda.
Yoda: Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those around you who transform into the Force. Mourn them do not. Miss them do not. Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed that is.
Anakin Skywalker: What must I do, Master Yoda?
Yoda: Train yourself to let go... of everything you fear to lose.

I am afraid to lose certain dreams, yet the Lord calls me to relinquish these dreams to Him. It is not a detachment in the sense of Buddism or mysticism, but relinquishing control to the Ruler of the Universe, and holding onto Him at the deepest level. I have to train myself in godliness, in Him, and in a sense, train myself to let go of everything I fear to lose. That which I fear to lose, so much as to reject my Father, is an idol. An adulterous, idolatrous whore. That is the identity from which Jesus Christ saved me. Will I allow my fear to turn me to the dark side?

Will I ever wake up to feel the joy of Christ? Yes. But this season is of discipline. Am I willing to let go of that which I fear to lose in order to overcome the fear of losing?

Its time to stop walking on eggshells and just take the step.

*crunch*

i am not comfortable

2007-04-30T20:41:00.000-04:00

I am not comfortable with myself. Why? Because the Lord is revealing more and more the hidden depths of my heart and soul which are to be reckoned with. Indeed, if I was without the saving grace of Jesus Christ, I would fear the wrath of God.

The seperation of self from Spirit is like stripping velcro. Bear with me on this analogy, because it is the only vision in my head right now. The hooks of the self are latched onto the Spirit, desperate to hang on. And when they are seperated, a yell. The tearing is almost unbearable for me. And you can always hear it. You cannot seperate velcro softly.

So why in the world did I expect consecration to happen peacefully, that I would only see the end product and not feel or hear the process itself? I want to scream from the pain. I want to fall prostrate on the floor and cry until I whither away. I do not want anyone by my side unless it is my Savior holding me together as I fall apart. All I want to be is alone. Yet even then the self cannot be escaped from avoidenced. It must be reckoned with. It always must be reckoned with.

I cannot sit still with myself. When I try to concentrate on the Father, my mind is leaping to any form of distraction. I try to pray in worship music, and find myself matching harmonies or keeping tempo with the drums. I cannot sing, "You're my everything" with validation that it is true. I know that He is everything, but is He MY everything?

I am not comfortable. In the presence of my sin, I squirm and wince but I cannot escape it. I know by the power of Jesus Christ my sin has been seperated from me as far as the east is from the west, but just the knowledge that it is there kills me. The presence sickens me. It is still there.

Lord Jesus I want to be perfectly whole
And I want you forever to live in my soul
Break down every idol
and cast out every foe
Oh WASH ME! And I will be whiter than snow...

Lord Jesus, look down from your throne in the sky
And help me to make a complete sacrifice
and I give up myself
and everything I know
Oh WASH ME! And I will be whiter than snow...

To those who have sought you
You will never say no
oh wash me, and I will be whiter than snow...